Parents . advice/suggestions wanted

[mretzloff]

In junior high, he did fine ... HOWEVER, Milwaukee Public Schools are far from "difficult" and we think part of the issue is, he hasn't been challenged academically before.

We'd really rather him not struggle through this first semester academically due to a lack of sleep, hence our concern. The new high school is definitely more rigorous academically

If he is getting good grades and does not get into trouble, I do not see what the problem here is. He is fulfilling his duties at this state in life.

I think that his current punishments and the ones suggested in this thread are over the top. Not only that, but they will also create a rift between you and him, which will get worse if you ever marry your girlfriend and adopt her son.

Just my two cents. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Wood Badger]

He's addicted to video games. He needs an intervention. Move his computer into the common area of the home, such as the living room, and do not allow him to play video games at all. Deny him access to video gaming so that he can't get back into it. He has too much free time on his hands, and he has filled it with the easiest thing--no wonder he has no motivation. Don't blame him for it, he's addicted, and it's not really his fault, IMO.

Get him into Boy Scouts, or 4-H, or martial arts or some other kind of positive physical activity. IMO, Boy Scouts is great, it teaches positive values, valuable life skills, and provides opportunities for learning and adventure that most kids never get. In addition, BSA gives your boy an opportunity to socialize with the right kind of kids, and an opportunity to interact with men who are positive roll models.

As far as his fatigue goes, get him to a doctor for a physical exam--he may have physical and/or mental/emotional issues that need addressed.

Good luck!

 

[MrSpeedy]

If he is getting good grades and does not get into trouble, I do not see what the problem here is. He is fulfilling his duties at this state in life.

I think that his current punishments and the ones suggested in this thread are over the top. Not only that, but they will also create a rift between you and him, which will get worse if you ever marry your girlfriend and adopt her son.

Just my two cents. I wish you the best of luck.

I kind of agree with this...and I agree with what some others have said.

Perhaps a difficult first semester in school is what he needs. If he struggles perhaps he will realize that he can't play video games all night and still get the grades he did in middle school. If he doesn't realize this and limit himself then you have the "right" to limit his screen time until his grades improve. Right now it seems like you want to limit it because you don't agree with the choice he is making.

On the other hand, I think having house rules that limit screen time for all family members, or have a cut-off time, is valuable. The house/family should have rules and they should be clearly defined. Everyone knows what they are and there can be consequences for not following them. But remember - these need to be rules for all the children (and you and your GF too).

Best of luck. I applaud you for stepping up and being a good role model in his life.

 

[Vespasian]

Seriously, get him out of the basement, even if that means he has to sleep in the living room. Sunlight is your friend here.

I agree with putting the computer in the public areas of the house. Turn the wireless on for a couple of hours a day at most. Waste your life by watching him to make sure he is doing his homework, all of it, correctly.

I'd kick all video games to the curb for the rest of human existence, but I'm funny that way.

Boys - tough to call them men - have poured literally YEARS of their lives into World of Warcraft, etc.; I won't insult the OP or the son by mentioning any of the infamous ones. I know kids his age that are completely lost, probably as checked out as any drug addict.

Yeah, I'm an alarmist, I don't know anything, etc. I am glad that I will be checking out for good before this insanely dim generation takes over.

 

[oc_in_fw]

I am glad that I will be checking out for good before this insanely dim generation takes over.

I am sure that has been said for the last 1000 years or so

 

[Effy]

I'm sorry, but to say there is no harm in it as long as he is doing school work okay is not taking in to account that he is very likely to use gaming as an escape when he isn't doing things very well. It really is like a drug, seriously, so while at the moment it is not impacting the school work, when things get harder and his grades drop, where do you think he might go to escape? Gaming. Which then makes it harder for him to do well, so the gaming becomes what he is good at and where he enjoys success.

I was thinking about this thread a lot last night and I had an idea:

Make 1 evening a week a 100% gaming free evening. But then also make 1 evening a week a 100% no-questions-asked gaming evening (unless he is on a temporary ban for bad behavior) and really respect that evening for him. The other evenings, make it contingent on having chores and homework done, dinner together, that sort of thing.

That way you are making it clear that the game itself is not the issue, but the amount of time he is giving to it. By having 1 evening a week off of it (which needs to be filled with something other than TV - maybe a family board-game evening or something - you can start to break the cycle. Slowly ask for help on the other evenings, always respecting the 1 evening a week that is his for gaming.

 

[thematthatter]

So how committed are you to his mom? You refer to her as your GF not fiance. He might see you as another man just passing through his life. Every boy needs a father figure, the good thing it doesn't have to be his biological dad either. I was in boyscouts, there I found men who genuinely cared about me and wanting me to succeeded.

Can't remember where I saw it but I saw something a while back that said, teenagers and young adults sleep phases get shifted to the right, making them more likely to be active at night and sleep during the day.

Gaming is a sport, players have sponsors, salaries, fans.
Since he has a tendency towards technology you can use this to turn his gaming hobby into something more tangible, like building/programing robots or electronic projects. There may be a hackerspace near by your house where he can interact with humans in the same room. His school may even have a robotics club.

 

[tinashubby]

You must remember he is his own person. I understand how you and your girl feel that the video games are a general waste and are obsessive with the overnite sessions. You and your girl need to understand you cannot make him into someone he is not. If he is passive he is passive. If he doesn't have other interests, you have to understand that he doesn't have other interests. All you can do is to try to get him to open up to other things, but understand that just because you, your girlfriend or others think they are interesting, it doesn't mean it is interesting to him. Some ideas could range fromlaying chess, reading books, firearms, fishing, sports, collecting anything, animals, kites, r/c aircraft, model rockets, modeling in general. The suggestions are only limited by our imaginations.

The teens in our middle class small town neighborhood, hang out at the house with the least supervision, get bored, have sex, then stand around on the back porch , partake in drugs and alcohol, and plot devious behavours, ranging from vandalism to breaking and entering. I was one of the victims, eleven firearms stolen from my property, I accept a limited accountability for this, but I've taken better precautions against this ever happening again.

Maybe videogames aren't the worst behavour of kids if it is regulated?

I personally think video games are a big waste of life, but that is my issue, not the issue of the gamers. Responsibilities will go a long way, part time job perhaps, who buys the videogames? If he works for his money, he will reap the rewards and start to learn the ways of useful adulthood.

Parenting is parenting, boundaries need to be set and enforced, however IMHO, parents need to be careful not to be too controlling when it comes to kids developing their interests and becoming "real people" and useful citizens in our society.

FWIW, I am not a parent...

 

[Haggises]

I think by now the advice has run the gamut from laissez-faire to prohibition.

Whatever you decide I hope you end up a happy family.
Good luck.

 

[natenaaron]

He's addicted to video games. He needs an intervention. Don't blame him for it, he's addicted, and it's not really his fault, IMO.

Yep. It is pretty well proven that video games act on the same part of the brain as hard drugs. Video game companies employ psychological tricks to keep folks playing. Sounds paranoid but it is true, and the adolescent brain is ripe for the picking. We are going through this with my oldest. I have had, shall we say, problems of my own, and I recognize the behaviors.

 

[Doc4]

Get out and do more family activities together. "Let's go fishing" beats the heck out of "I signed you up for soccer ... I'll drop you off and pick you up after".

why did he choose the other school?

 

[ReshoeUSAF]

I was a smoker for 10+ years and quitting world of Warcraft was and is still harder than quitting smoking. Laugh all you will but it truly is an addiction in every sense of the word. The "reward" you get from getting a new level or getting that epic drop or buying the next level riding becomes a high, a real physical high, you get that nervous butterfly feeling in your stomach and the giddy euphoria. It took me getting married and having a child to truly give it up and I still play around a bit on my phone sometimes. It sounds crazy but support him as much as you can as if he was a drug addict and replace that risk/reward with other things. I personally used this hobby as a kind of replacement but I think at his age something like paintball or motocross or BMX or even a different electronic hobby, there are Arduino robot kits cheap as dirt now that you can spend hours doing and actually have a tangible item to show. I love fishing but not everyone can get into that. The important thing is to make sure he understands that you aren't just trying to tear him away from something he does to "relax" you have to let him know you respect that aspect but you would like to spend more time with him and you would like to do it doing something else.

 

[Wendy]

My son is 12 and we went through this with him over the summer. He is my only child that is not in sports. I do not allow the video games when the weather is acceptable for outdoor activities. If the wii or play station turns on, you bet its raining or snowing. Even at that, they spend less than 2 hours a month on the games unless we are in the dead of winter, than they are playing a bit more.

My son eventually started using his dsi or tablet when he went to bed. He would keep the volume down so we didn't hear him playing.

When I caught him, he lost the dsi and tablet temporarily, but started sneaking his sisters. We never noticed because my girls do not use their dsi's unless we are traveling.

Rather than argue with my son about the games or try and punish him further, I said since he is playing games at night, he clearly does not need as much sleep as I thought. I assigned chores that had to be done in the morning before school rather than at his convenience. He is forced to get up extra early to be sure they are completed. With those responsibilities, he has stopped sneaking/playing all night.

I think boys in general would play these video games all day and night if we let them. I hope it is just an age thing. Good Luck!

 

[imfallen_angel]

We've been living this crap for a while. We have a bunch of kids that are all 18 or more now, and the BS because of the internet has been nothing but complete stupidity... instead of a tool and such, it has become their drug.

Our kid messed up the last few years of school because of this crap...

He was warned over and over about it, he'd stop for a while and then return to old habits.

He did the McJobs, and he was told about saving up for his school, as I refuse to pay since I know that it'll not be taken seriously if it's not his money being wasted. He ended up burning through almost everything he made with junkfood, more games stuff and other crap.

And it was enough is enough, he's lost internet computer access now and I have no desire to give it back. He still has the consoles for now and his tablet, but he knows that he's on thin ice, and there are times that he really pushes his limits. But he does spend more time talking with us, and is starting to seriously realize the importance of his schooling.

One daughter sat on her butt for a long time always online... it's complicated, but she's made a mess of things with her life, and ended up moving her seriously flawed boyfriend.

Another daughter is better, but for her it's facebook and texting... her phone is like a life support system.

And now my wife has fallen into this thing.

I have to admit that I did the chat thing for a while, and I learned a lot from it.

The biggest lesson I learned is: You do NOT have friends online... you are in touch with strangers, regardless of what one may think, the whole social thing is nothing but a really bad crutch. Unless you meet them, do things together, etc., they are absolutely nothing more than other lonely people somewhere in the world and you do NOT really know them.

So since your kid has so much time to waste, cut the leash off, get your kid to get a job, he'll interact with people, learn some skills, learn to be a bit more responsible, etc. Make him pay for things that he doesn't care about now because he's not paying for it.

It may take a while because this generation is above and beyond the laziest and most self-involved/centered that I believe humankind has ever had. But it's a question of empowering these kids to be like this.

 

[acesn8s]

He might be a little young for this... give him an idea on what the cost of living is like. Have him price out an apartment (maybe even go look at some - so he can see what a hole in the wall the cheap ones are), cable, electric, groceries, car payment, insurance, etc. Show him the average starting salaries of various professions. Let him do the math. Then explain to him why you and his mom are concerned about late night gaming and his grades/plan for the future. This way you aren't getting down on him because he is different than you, you are trying to prepare him for independant living.

 

[gwsmallwood]

Just to add an angle that I haven't seen brought up yet, this is a topic that we discuss frequently with our men's groups in church. It is a very pervasive problem in our society today. There is some very good Christian literature out there that discusses some of the things that got us here, and what we as Fathers (of Father figures) can do to help fix it. Men To Boys by Gary Cross, Guyland by Michael Kimmel, and The Masculine Mandate by Richard Phillips are all good resources on this topic.

 

[Columbus]

An incredibly interesting thread and quite the debacle. I've been that kid who played games until dawn. Now, I have a steady job and can't stay up past 10 pm. It's something I grew out of, and I can certainly say the grumbling and detest from my father did not help matters. In any way.

 

[coachschaller]

Who pays for the internet connection? He might have to pay for the internet he uses...

 

[ReshoeUSAF]

All I can say is the fastest way to invalidate yourself is go in guns blazing calling this stupid or worthless or pointless, wether you like it or not this is his hobby, just like ours is shaving or woodworking or pen collecting. There are people that don't understand ours. I wouldn't try to take it away from him totally because that won't work, try to impress upon him the importance of being well rounded and having more than just video games under his belt.

 

[AvariCe]

Hello there. I've been at the same place as your boy and I would like to make some points:
First of all, his behaviour at home could be a sign of depression. So, you should look for other signs: Does he seem sad? Does he socialize in school? Does he have any other friends? Does he seem to partake some joy when he is outside? Unfortunately, if you don't have a very close relationship, you won't be able to get him to open up. Offer to hear him, and in case he does open up, don't criticize. Maybe he would open up to your son or his mother. The best route, of course, is to convince him to visit a psychologist.
For the sake of the kid, figure that out.
Now, if he is not depressed, it could be a lot other things(keep in mind that I've been video gaming since I was 5).
First of all, what you perceive as a problem, is not a problem for him, especially if he fulfills his other commitments. So punishing him for it seems unreasonable, therefore driving him away from you. Besides, he is, or will be soon, better than you at using technology. So probably he will soon find a way to undo all your bans, if you choose to go that way. And please, don't make him feel guilty for that.

• It could be that he is the best among his peers at these games and plays simply because he is the best.
• Maybe he plays because of the social aspect of the game. It might seem nonsense, but it is true. Especially with WoW, he gets to socialize with people that have all sorts of backgrounds and have at least one thing in common: the game. From personal experience, this is very appealing. There were times that I logged in the game just to see how my fellow guildmates were doing. And I had friends that knew who I was and I knew who they were literally from all over the world.
• He hasn't found a more exciting hobby. Try to introduce him to all kinds of things: Uncommon sports, like archery or wall climbing, board games, card games like Magic: The gathering(that yanked me off the video gaming a lot), woodcarving, pottery, painting, maybe a music instrument, go to a gym together. I can come up with a lot more ideas. The point is to find something that offers him both the communal and the competitive elements a game like WoW or LoL has.

Does he like to be occupied with his PC? Try to do stuff together on the PC: disassmble it, format it, strip it to the bitter end etc. I can point to some guides if you wish.
If you can, you can organize his friends to have a sleepover at your place under the presumption that they'll play video games and take them to do something all together.
The point is, whatever you do, try to do it together. If you need ideas for activities that might interest him, feel free to PM me.

Edit: By the way, out of curiosity, how are things?