beligerent new neighbor, advice needed

[tfinch]

I was initially relieved when a family moved in the house across the street from mine last week, as the house had been empty for almost two years and it was sort of depressing and unnerving to look at the empty space. However, a few days later the man of the house strode across my lawn as I was having a cigarette on my front porch and demanded that I cease smoking in view of his house - explaining that he didn't want his children seeing such tacky behavior and learning from it. He went on to criticize the clothing I was wearing (tee shirt, blue jeans and tennis shoes), and demanded that going forward I wear at least slacks and a polo shirt or similar attire if I was planning on being outside so as not to offend his family's sense of decency. For background, although I am a cigarette smoker I indulge the habit only outside, as others in my house don't want to smell the smoke.

I suffer from an agoraphobic/panic disorder condition which I've been treated for this past couple years, and I was too upset and flustered from surprise to think of any way to respond and so I just fled into the house after stammering for a moment. Thinking it over, I decided that just pretending the incident didn't happen would be the best way to go. But Sunday my uncle and aunt were visiting and we decided to have a cookout. Again the man crossed the yard and went into a frenzy - this time because we were mocking his religion? I don't understand how, and I couldn't even tell you what religion the man practices because he didn't make that clear. I despise conflict and will go to almost any length to avoid it. Unfortunately my uncle doesn't, and warned the man off my yard with some heated and colorful local expressions. Now the guy is really mad, and is leaving me notes threatening to contact the homeowners association. I've been in this house for decades now and I'm pretty comfortable so moving is not really an option I'm willing to consider. I need advice about a practical and polite way to strike some sort of truce with this new neighbor. I have been smoking my cigarettes by the garage door out of sight of the street, but I do not envision myself cutting the lawn next summer in my Sunday best, and I like grilling, don't want to cease having cookouts to invite my family over to. Also if anyone is aware of any religious sect that prohibits eating outdoors, that might help me reach some understanding because right now I'm just baffled and google doesn't seem to know of one.

 

[gaseousclay]

I was initially relieved when a family moved in the house across the street from mine last week, as the house had been empty for almost two years and it was sort of depressing and unnerving to look at the empty space. However, a few days later the man of the house strode across my lawn as I was having a cigarette on my front porch and demanded that I cease smoking in view of his house - explaining that he didn't want his children seeing such tacky behavior and learning from it. He went on to criticize the clothing I was wearing (tee shirt, blue jeans and tennis shoes), and demanded that going forward I wear at least slacks and a polo shirt or similar attire if I was planning on being outside so as not to offend his family's sense of decency. For background, although I am a cigarette smoker I indulge the habit only outside, as others in my house don't want to smell the smoke.

I suffer from an agoraphobic/panic disorder condition which I've been treated for this past couple years, and I was too upset and flustered from surprise to think of any way to respond and so I just fled into the house after stammering for a moment. Thinking it over, I decided that just pretending the incident didn't happen would be the best way to go. But Sunday my uncle and aunt were visiting and we decided to have a cookout. Again the man crossed the yard and went into a frenzy - this time because we were mocking his religion? I don't understand how, and I couldn't even tell you what religion the man practices because he didn't make that clear. I despise conflict and will go to almost any length to avoid it. Unfortunately my uncle doesn't, and warned the man off my yard with some heated and colorful local expressions. Now the guy is really mad, and is leaving me notes threatening to contact the homeowners association. I've been in this house for decades now and I'm pretty comfortable so moving is not really an option I'm willing to consider. I need advice about a practical and polite way to strike some sort of truce with this new neighbor. I have been smoking my cigarettes by the garage door out of sight of the street, but I do not envision myself cutting the lawn next summer in my Sunday best, and I like grilling, don't want to cease having cookouts to invite my family over to. Also if anyone is aware of any religious sect that prohibits eating outdoors, that might help me reach some understanding because right now I'm just baffled and google doesn't seem to know of one.

your neighbor sounds like a certified nut job. the way I see it, if you're on your own property smoking a cigarette your neighbor has absolutely no right to come over and tell you what you can or cannot do. I don't know what sort of legal options you could take but it sounds like harrassment to me.

do you have a camcorder? maybe you could secretly film this guy getting into your face for no reason.

 

[Hards80]

You are 100% in your rights to smoke on your property and wear what you like and grill out. That is all just rediculous to be perfectly honest. And what exactly is he going to contact the HOA over? If he calls and says your are smoking and wearing tshirts and jeans and grilling out, what does he expect them to say? its an empty threat at best.

Consider getting a 3rd party mediator and sit down with your neighbor possibly, whether it be informally or formally.

 

[Bk124tt]

I know a guy that has a friend that works on the docks........ ;-)

 

[heybatter]

What an *******.

He doesn't sound like the type of person you can reason with. Can you just avoid him? If you're not actually breaking any homeowner association rules, ignore him.

 

[Pete_T]

The guy is absolutely insane. I'm not sure how to go about it, but I'd see if I could get the cops to tell him that he can never trespass on your yard. If he does, film it and get him thrown in jail. I have no idea if that would work or not, but might be worth a try.

Or just do us all a favor and shoot him. Ok, you probably shouldn't do that, but he might actually pose a danger, he sounds genuinely unbalanced.

 

[Matt_Bloodletter]

Wow if that's true you are wrestling with a pig - I would not negotiate, befriend or create any truce. When he threatens about the association, this is an opportunity to learn to embrace some of life's inevitable conflicts and say go for it. Next time he is on your property, inform him he is trespassing. I would then immediately file a complaint with the local PD of trespassing and ultimately get a restraining order. Based on your description, this is a nut and not someone to cowtow to or to ignore.

 

[JHCC]

This guy obviously has issues. Couple of things to remember:

1) His issues are not yours to resolve.

2) If you feel your safety is threatened, call the cops.

3) Peaceful relationships with the neighbors are good, but not absolutely necessary.

4) His personal jurisdiction over what he considers acceptable behavior ends at his property line. Outside that line, he can request but cannot demand.

5) No-one can walk on you if you don't lie down first.

Tell the guy that you're happy to listen to his concerns, but you'll make your own decisions about your dress and behavior on your own property, especially since you've been there for decades. As long as what you are doing is legal and within the rules of the homeowners' association, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Remember: you can be assertive without being aggressive.

 

[ouch]

They would have had to take the both of us to the hospital

Spoiler

to take my foot out of his ***

Alternatively, just call the police. He'll probably mouth off to them to, which should provide some entertainment.

 

[Toothpick]

this is mind boggling to me that people act this way. i would take your approach and try not to cause any more conflit, in the manner of not getting in to a verbal argument with him, but at the same time i certainly wouldn't go out of my way to dress, smoke, and cook how my neighbor wants just to appease him. my house, my lawn, my rules... within the restraints of the law of course. I don't see any HOA take sides with this man especially if he goes to them with you smoking or cooking outside on your own property. if he continues to trespass on your property and harass you i would take legal action. have the police issue a trespass warning, and if he comes back on your property he can be arrested. and i'd get a restraining order against him as well.

 

[Agravic]

Based on your description, this new neighbor does not seem rational or reasonable. I would be careful in terms of direct confrontation, as logical reasoning may beguile him. I would have a low threshold for calling the appropriate authorities if he continues to harass you.

 

[Rockminer]

Put up some surveillance cameras , where you could catch him coming onto your property. Get the police involved, HOA, make it clear that you are well within your rights to do what you're doing and you don't want to be harassed. Document as much as possible.

 

[PFP_Dad]

I agree with the above. Politely ask him to leave the property and let him know you would be happy to take his opinion under consideration, assuming he can be calm, rational and polite in sharing it. If not he's is not welcome on the property going forward and any future excursions onto your property will result in legal action. A camera is cheap and legal and will look great at his trial should he continue. Unfortunately you're not the only one with this problem. http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/47612383#47612383

 

[Doc4]

Now the guy is really mad, and is leaving me notes threatening to contact the homeowners association.

Your mention of a homeowner's association has me wondering if you live in a community with enforceable codes of conduct &c rather than just a "general neighbourhood" ... are either of you breaking the enforceable codes of neighbourhood conduct? Maybe your BBQ wasn't in compliance with the rules or some such thing?

Your neighbour seems to be behaving like an @$$, but how you deal with that depends on whether or not your conduct infringes on neighbourhood association rules &c.

Perhaps you should be the one contacting the homeowner's association to complain about your neighbour, or at least to step in and mediate.

 

[Prince]

Put a sign by the sidewalk. "Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot a second time."

He should get the hint.

Seriously, be careful with this guy. I've never seen an HOA that can tell you what to wear outside. Or anything related to smoking or grilling for that matter.

 

[BigBull]

This guy obviously has issues. Couple of things to remember:

1) His issues are not yours to resolve.

2) If you feel your safety is threatened, call the cops.

3) Peaceful relationships with the neighbors are good, but not absolutely necessary.

4) His personal jurisdiction over what he considers acceptable behavior ends at his property line. Outside that line, he can request but cannot demand.

5) No-one can walk on you if you don't lie down first.

Tell the guy that you're happy to listen to his concerns, but you'll make your own decisions about your dress and behavior on your own property, especially since you've been there for decades. As long as what you are doing is legal and within the rules of the homeowners' association, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Remember: you can be assertive without being aggressive.

This is well put. You may want to consider purchasing a handgun.

 

[~Rocco~]

I was initially relieved when a family moved in the house across the street from mine last week, as the house had been empty for almost two years and it was sort of depressing and unnerving to look at the empty space. However, a few days later the man of the house strode across my lawn as I was having a cigarette on my front porch and demanded that I cease smoking in view of his house - explaining that he didn't want his children seeing such tacky behavior and learning from it. He went on to criticize the clothing I was wearing (tee shirt, blue jeans and tennis shoes), and demanded that going forward I wear at least slacks and a polo shirt or similar attire if I was planning on being outside so as not to offend his family's sense of decency. For background, although I am a cigarette smoker I indulge the habit only outside, as others in my house don't want to smell the smoke.

I suffer from an agoraphobic/panic disorder condition which I've been treated for this past couple years, and I was too upset and flustered from surprise to think of any way to respond and so I just fled into the house after stammering for a moment. Thinking it over, I decided that just pretending the incident didn't happen would be the best way to go. But Sunday my uncle and aunt were visiting and we decided to have a cookout. Again the man crossed the yard and went into a frenzy - this time because we were mocking his religion? I don't understand how, and I couldn't even tell you what religion the man practices because he didn't make that clear. I despise conflict and will go to almost any length to avoid it. Unfortunately my uncle doesn't, and warned the man off my yard with some heated and colorful local expressions. Now the guy is really mad, and is leaving me notes threatening to contact the homeowners association. I've been in this house for decades now and I'm pretty comfortable so moving is not really an option I'm willing to consider. I need advice about a practical and polite way to strike some sort of truce with this new neighbor. I have been smoking my cigarettes by the garage door out of sight of the street, but I do not envision myself cutting the lawn next summer in my Sunday best, and I like grilling, don't want to cease having cookouts to invite my family over to. Also if anyone is aware of any religious sect that prohibits eating outdoors, that might help me reach some understanding because right now I'm just baffled and google doesn't seem to know of one.

If this idiot was my neighbor, I would kindly tell him to "get off of my property".
I would also continue to smoke as many damn cigarettes as I please while wearing shorts & a t-shirt while eating a ham sandwich barefoot. Then if this psycho continued his harassment of me and mine on my own property I would be sure to have video cameras set up filming my entire yard to capture any possible future incidents.
Show the captured video footage to the police.
Call the cops, make reports of the incident/s even file a restraining order if necessary.

Who does this d*uch#bag think he is?

I'm glad that I live in the great state of Texas...
We don't take kindly to overly aggressive strangers trespassing on our private property out here.

 

[Rev. Jim Ignatowski]

Wow. This guy sounds like a nut. I would first make absolutely sure as to what the HOA rules are n regards to where you can grill (I heard of one where grilling in view was not allowed, and had to be completely in the back yard away from view - difficult for some corner lots). Not sure about any smoking related covenants, or front porch dress covenants.

Follow what PFP_Dad says - be polite but firm in asking him to never return to the property. "...he's is not welcome on the property going forward and any future excursions onto your property will result in legal action." Perfectly conveyed. Surveillance cameras are very good too. Make sure you document all occurrences as fully as possible with dates, times, conversations, etc. Hopefully you will never need this.

If you ever feel threatened, call the police.

 

[Jefebadskin]

Sorry you're going through this. I would call the cops anytime he showed up on your property. Warn him once, be very clear to stay away. If he has issue with a fully clothed man on his own property, logic and reason are not with him and it is not in your interest to pursue a truce. He actually sounds like he could be a danger to you and your property.

 

[jwhite]

Ouch has it right, do what you do on your own property and call the police to report a threatening trespasser on your property the instant he crosses your yard. If necessary file a restraining order if his first visit with the cops doesn't straighten him out. Actually it might be a good idea to call your local police or sheriffs department to report his harassment as soon as possible to get it on record for his next episode and give the officers something to work with when he next crosses the line. Do not hide from him but do not directly engage him if at all possible, your local law enforcement will be able to quickly tell who is the problem. He will learn or he will be fined and eventually jailed.