My brother got pulled over by the state troopers and the trooper asked my brother, “Got any ID.”
My brother replied, “About what?”
My brother replied, “About what?”
Jokes that make you groan
- Thread starter Captain Pre-Capsize
- Start date
Have I mentioned "helicopter flavour" I use it instead of plain, as in plain flour or plain crisps (chips).
jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asked, why the long face?
jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
A man is crawling thru the desert and sees a table and crawls to it.
On the table are neckties.
The crawling man asks for water.
The necktie salesman says I don't have water but do you want to buy a necktie?
The crawling man says $%^* no, I need water.
The neckties salesman says there's a restaurant a mile up the road.
An hour later the crawling man is back, the necktie salesman asks how did it go?
The crawling man says, they would not let me in, I was not wearing a tie.
On the table are neckties.
The crawling man asks for water.
The necktie salesman says I don't have water but do you want to buy a necktie?
The crawling man says $%^* no, I need water.
The neckties salesman says there's a restaurant a mile up the road.
An hour later the crawling man is back, the necktie salesman asks how did it go?
The crawling man says, they would not let me in, I was not wearing a tie.
jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
One day it was so hot in Texas, a dog was chasing a rabbit and they were both walking.
jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
Car runs out of gas in the middle of Death Valley.
He gets out of the car and ponders.
A bee flies up to him him and says open the gas tank.
A swarm of bees flies in, spends a few seconds, they fly out.
The bee asks the driver to start the car - it's now a full tank!
Driver asks how did you do it?
Bee said: BP
He gets out of the car and ponders.
A bee flies up to him him and says open the gas tank.
A swarm of bees flies in, spends a few seconds, they fly out.
The bee asks the driver to start the car - it's now a full tank!
Driver asks how did you do it?
Bee said: BP
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions...
We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.
Aye and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.
But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.
Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the Son of Athens points out with a note of finality:
Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity.
Aye, true enough. But it was the Irish who got women involved.
We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.
Aye and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.
But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.
Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the Son of Athens points out with a note of finality:
Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity.
Aye, true enough. But it was the Irish who got women involved.
jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
2 cats were walking past a tennis court. One said my daddy's in that racquet.
jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
2 guys talking about their girlfriends.
1st guy: "I'm dating an identical twin."
2nd guy: "How do you tell them apart?"
1st guy: "I don't"
1st guy: "I'm dating an identical twin."
2nd guy: "How do you tell them apart?"
1st guy: "I don't"
Did you know you can’t take a picture of a man in California with a wooden leg?
That’s right! You’d have to use a camera.
That’s right! You’d have to use a camera.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking customers whether they preferred smoking or non-smoking. Apparently the correct terms I should have used were cremation or burial.
I just flew in from Chicago. Boy are my arms tired.
I put my bags down and looked up and said “This is my kind of town.” I looked down and my bags were gone.
When I got to the hotel my room was so small I had to go into the hall to change my mind.
My room was right next to Taylor Swift’s. There was a small hole in the wall you could see through. So I let her look.
I put my bags down and looked up and said “This is my kind of town.” I looked down and my bags were gone.
When I got to the hotel my room was so small I had to go into the hall to change my mind.
My room was right next to Taylor Swift’s. There was a small hole in the wall you could see through. So I let her look.
Guy goes to Dr. for constipation. Doc prescribes suppositories. A months supply.
Guy gets them. Takes one by mouth with water. No relief. Next day takes 2. Still nothing. Keeps taking more and more and finishes bottle in a few days.
Calls dr to get a refill.
Doc:”What did you do, eat them?”
Guy:”No, I stuck them up my a**!”
Guy gets them. Takes one by mouth with water. No relief. Next day takes 2. Still nothing. Keeps taking more and more and finishes bottle in a few days.
Calls dr to get a refill.
Doc:”What did you do, eat them?”
Guy:”No, I stuck them up my a**!”
They mated and had a baby?
Jesus Christ and St. Peter come down to earth to play a round of golf.
At every hole, Jesus keeps saying “Arnold Palmer would do it this way, he would do it that way, etc.”
At one hole he tees off into the water. He walks across the water to retrieve the ball.
A guy walks up to St. Peter:”Who does that think he is, Jesus Christ?”
St. Peter:”No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
At every hole, Jesus keeps saying “Arnold Palmer would do it this way, he would do it that way, etc.”
At one hole he tees off into the water. He walks across the water to retrieve the ball.
A guy walks up to St. Peter:”Who does that think he is, Jesus Christ?”
St. Peter:”No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
I once saw a guy with wooden legs but real feet!
I ordered a cup of coffee without cream.
“We are out of cream, sir”
“Ok I’ll have it without milk.”
“We are out of cream, sir”
“Ok I’ll have it without milk.”
Jokes like this always remind of this routine. I heard it many years ago and it never ceases to come to mind whenever I hear traditional one-liners. The surreal loopiness of the whole routine is mesmerizing to me.
jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
Parish priest who gave up golf for the church wakes up on a beautiful spring morning and is overcome by the need to play golf. He calls his assistant and says you have the congregation today. The junior says he's not ready. The priest says you are.
The priest drives his car 200 miles out of the parish to a private course and tees it up. God and St. Peter are watching and God says watch this. The priest hits a nice drive down the middle an God has it hit the sprinkler head in such a way the ball goes 455 yards onto the green and into the cup, hole in one.
St. Peter says: "What did you do?"
God says: "Who is he gonna tell?"
The priest drives his car 200 miles out of the parish to a private course and tees it up. God and St. Peter are watching and God says watch this. The priest hits a nice drive down the middle an God has it hit the sprinkler head in such a way the ball goes 455 yards onto the green and into the cup, hole in one.
St. Peter says: "What did you do?"
God says: "Who is he gonna tell?"
Lefonque
Even more clueless than you
Any joke that I tell makes my 13 year old daughter groan.
