jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
2 cannibals are eating a person.
One says: "I don't like my grandfather."
Other says: "Eat the vegetables."
One says: "I don't like my grandfather."
Other says: "Eat the vegetables."
Jokes that make you groan
- Thread starter Captain Pre-Capsize
- Start date
You know that Cannibals don’t eat clowns? They taste funny.
I helped my neighbor bury a rolled up rug in the woods. Her husband would have helped, but he was out of town.
Owen Bawn
Garden party cupcake scented
He really wanted to become a Benedictine monk.
But he never got the chants.
But he never got the chants.
A woman's three-year-old daughter recently came into the kitchen and asked - Where does poo come from?
The mother decided it was best to explain it to her at a level she would understand, so she said - Well, food goes into your mouth, then down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs from the food, then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.
She looked confused and stared at her in a stunned silence for a few seconds. Then she asked - And what about Tigger?
The mother decided it was best to explain it to her at a level she would understand, so she said - Well, food goes into your mouth, then down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs from the food, then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.
She looked confused and stared at her in a stunned silence for a few seconds. Then she asked - And what about Tigger?
A father liked to read his young children fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humour, he often ad-libbed parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest child was sitting in his kindergarten class and his teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said Pardon me Sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?
And what do you think the man said?
The man's son raised his hand and said - I know! I know! He said, Holy cow! A talking pig!
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
One day his youngest child was sitting in his kindergarten class and his teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said Pardon me Sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?
And what do you think the man said?
The man's son raised his hand and said - I know! I know! He said, Holy cow! A talking pig!
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Yeah, most young people think nostalgia is a sinus problem. lol
Thank goodness for blinds or it'd be curtains for all of us.
*** throwing shade your way ***
jackgoldman123
Boring and predictable
Road paving crew working hard one night in the rain.
The steamroller driver unfortunately hits a worker.
The crew calls the injured man's home - no one in.
The crew goes to the injured man's home and don't know what to do.
The crew slides him under the door.
The steamroller driver unfortunately hits a worker.
The crew calls the injured man's home - no one in.
The crew goes to the injured man's home and don't know what to do.
The crew slides him under the door.
Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said - Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.
Well, then just give us our money back.
Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
OK then, just bring us the dead mule.
What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?
We gonna raffle him off.
You can't raffle off a dead mule.
We shore can. We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead.
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy and asked - What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?
We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.
Didn't anyone complain?
Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Well, then just give us our money back.
Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
OK then, just bring us the dead mule.
What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?
We gonna raffle him off.
You can't raffle off a dead mule.
We shore can. We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead.
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy and asked - What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?
We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.
Didn't anyone complain?
Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
ABSOLUTELY PERFECT POST!
That tested better for me with "And what about Tigger and Piglet?" .
It shortened the recollection time.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly beautiful waitress came to his table. "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then looks at her, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man looks at her and answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers... "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"
I must confess, I stole this from a post on the Ugly Hedgehog.
A particularly beautiful waitress came to his table. "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then looks at her, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man looks at her and answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers... "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"
I must confess, I stole this from a post on the Ugly Hedgehog.
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"Knock knock!"
"Come in!" ...
"Come in!" ...
Remember, sad round yellow ping pong ball smiley means I am REALLY groaning.
That was bad, Doc. Real bad. So bad I feel like I need a doctor.
That was bad, Doc. Real bad. So bad I feel like I need a doctor.
A man was stopped by a game-warden with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.
“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”
“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”
“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious.
The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited…
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”
“Well, what?” the man responded.
“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.
“Call who back?” the man asked.
“The FISH,” the warden said sternly.
“What fish?”
The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.
“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.”
“That’s a bunch of crap! Fish can’t do that!” replied the warden in disbelief.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”
“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was curious.
The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited…
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”
“Well, what?” the man responded.
“When are you going to call them back?” the game warden prompted.
“Call who back?” the man asked.
“The FISH,” the warden said sternly.
“What fish?”
I'd love to see that done to a DNR officer!
Sometimes I wish we could select more than one reaction.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
