What's new
  • Guest
    As per our long standing policy of not permitting medical advice on the forum - all threads concerning the Coronavirus will be locked.
    For more info on the coronavirus please see the link below:
    https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-nCoV/summary.html

Jokes that make you groan

An older acquaintance drove to the Covid Vaccination site to get his first jab. Driving home, he experienced blurred vision. When he got to his house he immediately called the vaccination center to let them know about this serious vaccine side effect, and asked if he should go to the Emergency Room. The nurse calmly said, No, he did not need to go to the ER, but he should return to the Vaccination site to retrieve his glasses.
 
A man in a Florida supermarket asks if he can buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager - Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added - And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said - I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?

Canada sir.

Why did you leave Canada?

Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

Really? My wife is from Canada.

No kidding? Who'd she play for?
 

SharpieB

Contributor
A man in a Florida supermarket asks if he can buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager - Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added - And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said - I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?

Canada sir.

Why did you leave Canada?

Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

Really? My wife is from Canada.

No kidding? Who'd she play for?
The 1/2 thing was also from a Molson Golden beer commercial in the 80’s. Waiter goes to the bar and says “some nut wants 1/2 a bottle of Golden”. The man asking is behind him and the waiter then says “and this gentleman would like the other 1/2.” Smooth as Golden. 👍
 
A poor man walked up to a rich mans door one day and asked him: Please Can you give me some money I need it to support my family. The rich man replied: well I cant just give you some money but I can pay you if you paint my porch. The poor man said that he would paint the porch. For the next few weeks the guy would come over and paint. After a couple more days the man said he finished and asked for his money. But before he asked for his money he said: “By the way that was a lamborghini not a porsche”
 
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a blood donor clinic. The nurse asks if they know their blood types. The priest says I'm a type B, the pastor says I'm a type A and the rabbit says I'm a type O.
 
During a recent physical examination, Jim’s doctor asked him about his physical activity level.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 10 kilometres through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I narrowly avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I had to stop several times to relieve myself behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end, I drank eight beers.

You must be one heck of an outdoors man.

No, I’m just a really bad golfer.
 
So this one fellow died, and having lived a wicked life, was consigned to Hell. Upon arrival, he was in processed and assigned his Hell Counselor.

I had thought that Hell was about eternal torment, and misery, and suchlike.

That is so old fashioned. We have coffee breaks and such. You even get to select your own personal variety of Hell.

When do I get to choose?

Right now. Let’s begin your tour.

They walked down a hall and the demon opened one door. Inside there were many tortured souls, standing on their heads, heads placed on paving stones. There was moaning and wailing and remorse aplenty.

I don’t think so much of this one. Have you got other selections?

Of course - and they entered another door, wherein the damned souls were standing on their heads, heads on cobblestones. Again, much wailing much moaning much protestations of remorse.

Can I see other selections, please?

The demon opened another door - This one seems sort of popular, insofar as any of our Hells are popular. They entered, observing many damned souls standing knee deep in sewage, drinking coffee, chatting away and moving about from conversational group to conversational group.

This is the least miserable Hell I have seen. I’ll take this one.

The demon had him sign some paperwork, gave him his badge and ID and bade him farewell. The guy joined one conversation, got a coffee, bummed a cigarette, and was getting acquainted with his fellow damned souls.

Shortly, another demon entered, blew a whistle and announced - Ok everybody, coffee break is over. Back on your heads.
 
Top Bottom