This morning I dropped my toothpaste. I spent the rest of the day appearing crestfallen.
Jokes that make you groan
- Thread starter Captain Pre-Capsize
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Your AIM was bad, then!
That is STILL making me laugh.
It's a good thing his parrot was in her cage. Otherwise, POLLY would have a DENT.
Let the parrot jokes begin!!
There was a little old lady who was suffering from a degenerative eye condition that had left her nearly blind. She had three sons, and each wanted to prove that he loved her more than the others.
Son #1 bought her an expensive Mercedes, with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.
Son #2 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.
Son #3 had to do something even better, so he decided to give her his most prized possession, a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could name any verse, and the parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't like to go out anymore, and the chauffeur is a nuisance, so please return the car."
Then she surprised her second son by saying, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's much for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Finally, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."
A burglar breaks into a house and starts looking for valuables. He hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you". After looking around to make sure he is a lone, the burglar continues filling his sack with loot. As he crosses into the kitchen he again hears "Jesus is watching you". Puzzled, the burglar starts heading for the sound of the voice.
After entering the living room, the burglar sees a parrot in a cage. The burglar says "I suppose you are Jesus?" The parrot says "Nope, I am Moses" The burglar says "What kind of idiot names a parrot Moses" The parrot says "The same guy that names his Pitbull Jesus"
After entering the living room, the burglar sees a parrot in a cage. The burglar says "I suppose you are Jesus?" The parrot says "Nope, I am Moses" The burglar says "What kind of idiot names a parrot Moses" The parrot says "The same guy that names his Pitbull Jesus"
An elderly lady went to her parish priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying such horrible things and your parrots will learn to say their prayers as well.
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the rectory. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, Charlie! Our prayers have been answered!"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying such horrible things and your parrots will learn to say their prayers as well.
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the rectory. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, Charlie! Our prayers have been answered!"
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 92,748 times, you are a weather man...
The Balloonist
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet about the ground. You are between 42 and 44 degrees north latitude and between 83 and 85 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"
Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"
- Thread starter
- #191
A Mac user found a magic lamp with a Genie in it. The Genie said he wasn't as powerfull as other Genies and could only grant one wish.
So the Mac User brought out a map of the Middle-East and asked the Genie if he could bring peace to the people there.
The Genie said "Ah, you see, that's virtually impossible. They have been fighting for years. It's not only about religion but about culture and territory. I'm afraid you'll have to pick something else."
So the Mac User said, "Ok, make MacOS 8.0 a pre-emptive multitasking system, that is crash-proof and stable, has support for multiple processors, and still has 100% compatibility with all the current MacOS apps."
The Genie looks at the guy and says, "Let me see that map again..."
Q: What is the difference between a Mac User and a Hostage Taker?
A: You can negotiate with a Hostage Taker.
A Mac Programmer was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The programmer took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."
The Mac Programmer guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.
The Mac Programmer got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The Mac Programmer selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a Mac Programmer, aren't you?"
The Mac Programmer was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
So the Mac User brought out a map of the Middle-East and asked the Genie if he could bring peace to the people there.
The Genie said "Ah, you see, that's virtually impossible. They have been fighting for years. It's not only about religion but about culture and territory. I'm afraid you'll have to pick something else."
So the Mac User said, "Ok, make MacOS 8.0 a pre-emptive multitasking system, that is crash-proof and stable, has support for multiple processors, and still has 100% compatibility with all the current MacOS apps."
The Genie looks at the guy and says, "Let me see that map again..."
Q: What is the difference between a Mac User and a Hostage Taker?
A: You can negotiate with a Hostage Taker.
A Mac Programmer was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The programmer took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."
The Mac Programmer guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.
The Mac Programmer got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The Mac Programmer selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a Mac Programmer, aren't you?"
The Mac Programmer was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
Doh, you missed one when you switched the occupation. Good try, back to Solitaire and Minesweeper for you.
Q: Why did the rapper always carry an umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle.
A: Fo' drizzle.
You quoted before I was finished.
Note it is correct, and there is no edited line at the end of the post!
But that's in keeping with the Apple theme;
Rushing out the next version before anyone has had a real chance to look at the old one.
Note it is correct, and there is no edited line at the end of the post!
But that's in keeping with the Apple theme;
Rushing out the next version before anyone has had a real chance to look at the old one.
That, sir, is an oxymoron.
D flat, B flat, and F walk into a bar and the bartender says “we don't serve minors here.” So D flat leaves and B flat and F have an open fifth between them.
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic who was afraid he was following someone?
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic who was afraid he was following someone?
Best. Thread. Ever.
How did the crazy person find his way out of the forest?
He took the psycho path!
How do you make Holy Water?
Boil the hell out of it!
How did the crazy person find his way out of the forest?
He took the psycho path!
How do you make Holy Water?
Boil the hell out of it!
As an apple hater (note I said Apple, not mac, not mac users, etc), I loved THIS one. =P
Note #2: I also didn't say I love Windows, and don't assume I love Linux either, its on par with Apple or worse.
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