"A termite walks into a beer joint, and asks, "Is the barTENDER here"?
Jokes that make you groan
- Thread starter Captain Pre-Capsize
- Start date
I once worked as a prospector, ya know? Unfortunately, it didn't pan out.
Hmmm... that one reminds me of the joke about the airplane.
Actualy, you probably wouldn't get it. Its way over your head..
Q: Why did Mickey and Mini get a divorce?
A: Because shes F'in Goofy!
A: Because shes F'in Goofy!
I love cheese. But my blood curdles at the Muensterously high prices. Sometimes, though you get lucky. I picked up a 5 lbs wheel of cheese from Holland for $10 the other day. It was just too Gouda deal to pass up. I shared it as I can really cut the cheese too.
Why did the Dairy Queen divorce Mr. Softee? He couldn't get it hard.
A old woman is returning to her home in the BC moutains from her monthly shoping in town.
Driving along the road she see an older native woman about her age struggling to walk while carrying her own groceries home.
To be nice she stops and offers her a ride home.
The native woman sits in the back seat and off they go.
After about 5 min or so of driving she notices in her rear view mirror that the old native woman is staring at the brown paper bag beside her.
She asks the native woman if she would like to know what is in the bag.
The native woman nods.
She says "It's a bottle of whiskey I got it for my husband"
The native woman smiles and says " Good trade eh!"
Driving along the road she see an older native woman about her age struggling to walk while carrying her own groceries home.
To be nice she stops and offers her a ride home.
The native woman sits in the back seat and off they go.
After about 5 min or so of driving she notices in her rear view mirror that the old native woman is staring at the brown paper bag beside her.
She asks the native woman if she would like to know what is in the bag.
The native woman nods.
She says "It's a bottle of whiskey I got it for my husband"
The native woman smiles and says " Good trade eh!"
Lol well played sir I laughed histaricly .. my wife just rolled her eyes ... 2 points for DunEdinRanger
Lou, I think you mean to post that in the Czardom thread.
I thought it wasn't sharp enough for them!
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a good bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want'".
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
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To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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An engineer, a programmer, and their manager go out for lunch. On the way from the car to the restaurant they find a magic lamp in the parking lot. They rub it, and out pops a genie. "I can grant but three wishes and because there are three of you, each will receive one wish," he said.
The programmer went first. "I want to be in Tahiti surrounded by beautiful women," he said. Poof! He disappears.
The engineer went next. "I want to be in Hawaii with a huge house, tons of money, and surrounded by gorgeous women," he said. Poof! He disappears.
The manager went last. He said, "I want them both back in the office after lunch."
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want'".
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
=========================
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
=========================
An engineer, a programmer, and their manager go out for lunch. On the way from the car to the restaurant they find a magic lamp in the parking lot. They rub it, and out pops a genie. "I can grant but three wishes and because there are three of you, each will receive one wish," he said.
The programmer went first. "I want to be in Tahiti surrounded by beautiful women," he said. Poof! He disappears.
The engineer went next. "I want to be in Hawaii with a huge house, tons of money, and surrounded by gorgeous women," he said. Poof! He disappears.
The manager went last. He said, "I want them both back in the office after lunch."
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You know that sound you make when you smell rotting garbage or some other foul stench? Yeah, that's the sound I made when I read the punchline of this joke.
When these cheese puns end, it will make me bleu, ya cheddar believe it!
You know that sound you make when you smell rotting garbage or some other foul stench? Yeah, that's the sound I made when I read the punchline of this joke.
That's how I usually feel with his jokes!
How do you catch an elephant?
Dig a hole
surround it with peas
fill it with ashes
when the elephant bends over to take a pea you kick him in the ASH-hole
Dig a hole
surround it with peas
fill it with ashes
when the elephant bends over to take a pea you kick him in the ASH-hole
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You're usually laughing the loudest at the meetups!That's how I usually feel with his jokes!
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your rear and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
