In a real bad place right now

[elveeskee]

The only two real reasons she could want you involved with the existence of the new baby is that 1) she wants to rub your face in it or 2) she wants to make sure you are emotionally invested and will be a support to HER if and when the whole thing goes way South on her.

Assuming it is not Choice #1, then you need to be prepared for Choice #2, the day when she expects emotional support from you divorce-or-not. Women are often masterful at keeping all their options open and never totally closing down a useful avenue of potential support.

Your problem is to decide how you are going to react on that day when she shows up crying over the decisions she has made the last couple of years and expects your support.

I only say this because it sounds like this potentially is laying the groundwork for a lot of future drama for you. Divorce yourself--legally, financially, emotionally, and morally from the whole thing. Getting distance now will make you better prepared to handle potential drama down the road.

+1
Amen

 

[urr-lord]

let her go.far away preferably.be polite .meet with lawyers.get her out of your life and out of your head.start your own life in a new direction.take this as a blessing.i thank the lord for my travails(many busted walls here too) as they led me to my wife.

 

[dhaas66]

Have not posted very often but your post moved me.

I went through a divorce about 3 years ago.

I can tell you this. No matter what drama occurs it will pass. Right now it seems to be the worst consuming thing in your life. But again it will pass.

Don't hang in the bar. Find a hobby or a gym or some constructive activity you enjoy and start to rebuild and find out what it means to be you.

Seek legal counsel for the correct process for the divorce. Do not fill her in with your plans or what you and your lawyer are discussing. Calmly and directly move forward.

Go to counseling. Trust me. This is a tough one to go through. You can do it but you need to take care of yourself and it starts with rebuilding. A counseler will help. Your 5 stages of grief will need to be gone through before moving on. You can't skip them.

Just remember to get up every day and treat every day as a new on you are going to conquer.

You have alot of replies to your post already.

Good luck.

 

[Jenesee]

I know no one wants to hear this but lets play devils advocate for a few minutes. I hate to see a marriage fall apart or a friendship ended. My understanding of the facts are:

1) they grew apart or were trying to figure out where the romance went but could'nt so they separated. ( im sure there are volumes here that could be written by both as to why this happened)

2) they were separated and living in different households with the intention of divorcing.

3) they didnt see each other often enough ( or werent paying enough attention to each other) for him to realize she was pregnant, a fact hard to miss if your around someone.

3) she moved on with her life and hooked up ( maybe a mistake because of alcohol but she was in the bar obviously chking out guys) with an old flame. (btw why is that cheating they werent together) and got pregnant.

When you separate from someone saying your done with the relationship you cant expect them to sit inside like a nun and pine for things to change, they take you at your word and try to move on. It sounds like you are jealous that she did or were hoping things would change and you would get back together. Both options could maybe have happened but not with minimal or no contact for a year. It sounds to me like shes trying to move back toward you as a friend and save some of the good things you had between you. As you didnt want her for a wife I think you need to decide if your friendship was worth fighting for. You cant be blamed either way obviously she hurt you. I think you should ask why does it hurt you? you let her go and said over. I do think that as a single mom shes gonna need all the friends she can get.

 

[wetbadger]

The only two real reasons she could want you involved with the existence of the new baby is that 1) she wants to rub your face in it or 2) she wants to make sure you are emotionally invested and will be a support to HER if and when the whole thing goes way South on her.

Assuming it is not Choice #1, then you need to be prepared for Choice #2, the day when she expects emotional support from you divorce-or-not. Women are often masterful at keeping all their options open and never totally closing down a useful avenue of potential support.

Your problem is to decide how you are going to react on that day when she shows up crying over the decisions she has made the last couple of years and expects your support.

I only say this because it sounds like this potentially is laying the groundwork for a lot of future drama for you. Divorce yourself--legally, financially, emotionally, and morally from the whole thing. Getting distance now will make you better prepared to handle potential drama down the road.

+1

My guess is that all her moves are calculated, covering all the bases.
Stay away from Alcohol, your feelings are on a wild roller coaster ride, don't exacerbate the emotions with alcohol.

*Been there, done it, and threw the bi"t"ch shirt away*

 

[Madcap]

So so so sorry to hear about this...I can't imagine the rage/betrayal you must be feeling right now. Try to stay calm, and whatever you do try to remain civil/polite to her...but cut off all contact as of NOW and get those papers filed.

+1 +1 +1 Learn from the past and MOVE ON. Get on with YOUR life. Sorry about the situation.

 

[Madcap]

IMHO their is no way in hell I would still be friends with her. It would bring back memories of all the bad things everytime you see her. Thats just what I think I would do. Good luck man!

 

[sparkchaser]

I do think that as a single mom shes gonna need all the friends she can get.

Then she better start looking for them.

 

[rm71]

Fish, all the advice you didn't ask for, but need to hear, has already been said:
- Get a lawyer, make sure you're off the child support hook; from the sounds of it, grounds could very well be unfaithfulness/cheating
- Remain civil, if friendship stays, so be it; if not, so be it - don't determine now what could or could not be later when the emotional turmoil settles some, all storms eventually end, and the rebuilding often makes what was destroyed better, but the memories of what was can overshadow what is, don't get caught up in that
- Pray, pray, pray...thirdeye hit it on the head with his friend's advice - if you're praying for her, honestly truly praying for the best for her - she's hurting too - it will be harder to harbor ill will torwards her. Yes, that is very hurtful what happened, I do empathize with you, I couldn't imagine what you're going through, but she's going through it too, and while the friendship may or may not survive, if you are praying for her, as well as yourself, the end result will be much better than reacting emotionally (which is good, too, as a PERSONAL release, not in dealing with her)

Hope you hang on to see the calm after the storm, and are surprised by what will remain, my prayers will be with you

+1

 

[mission of burma shave]

I know no one wants to hear this but lets play devils advocate for a few minutes. I hate to see a marriage fall apart or a friendship ended. My understanding of the facts are:

1) they grew apart or were trying to figure out where the romance went but could'nt so they separated. ( im sure there are volumes here that could be written by both as to why this happened)

2) they were separated and living in different households with the intention of divorcing.

3) they didnt see each other often enough ( or werent paying enough attention to each other) for him to realize she was pregnant, a fact hard to miss if your around someone.

3) she moved on with her life and hooked up ( maybe a mistake because of alcohol but she was in the bar obviously chking out guys) with an old flame. (btw why is that cheating they werent together) and got pregnant.

When you separate from someone saying your done with the relationship you cant expect them to sit inside like a nun and pine for things to change, they take you at your word and try to move on. It sounds like you are jealous that she did or were hoping things would change and you would get back together. Both options could maybe have happened but not with minimal or no contact for a year. It sounds to me like shes trying to move back toward you as a friend and save some of the good things you had between you. As you didnt want her for a wife I think you need to decide if your friendship was worth fighting for. You cant be blamed either way obviously she hurt you. I think you should ask why does it hurt you? you let her go and said over. I do think that as a single mom shes gonna need all the friends she can get.

you missed the part about her cheating on him WHILE they were together.

 

[Bill Smith]

Ouch!

Take this a sign from the cosmos to move on after the papers have been signed as quickly as possible after being checked out by a good Family Law Attorny. The marriage was beyond repair if the (now) ex wife fooled around with the high school buddy and had a baby. Take the high road and as soon as its convienent go on a long vacation.

Take care of yourself, it hurts bad but it's not worth falling into depression over. Go to the gym work out on a regular basis, work on your career, hang with your friends that count and get some new hobbies. Oh yes, you are too busy to be available for your ex.

I am glad I'm single after I heard this.

 

[SlyGI]

Hi Fish.

Man, I hear your pain. I know there may be nothing that anyone can say now that will make you feel better.

I'm not giving you advice, but I would like to tell you a story. I once dated this girl in college. I thought we were in love. I went on an archaeological dig in Belize for a summer. I came back and she hooked up with my best friend-- who was also a girl. Well, after a short stint in a 3 some with me, my girl, and my female "best friend." It all went horribly wrong.

I decided to never see either of them again, and never see any of our mutual friends again. I just disappeared. I was living with my female "best friend" at the time. She went on a trip to California, and I just disappeared. I left all my stuff in the house. And I've only seen the two once since this happened, maybe 20 years ago. It was at a funeral.

But, I was in college. It was easy for me to disappear, and we were not married. I can't imagine what would have happened if it was my wife.

Me, personally, I think all babies are a gift from G-d. But if it was my ex-wife's love child, with the guy that split us up. I would not want to see the baby or my wife or that guy.

Hey, you know, you got a right to feel what you are feeling. Just don't go off and do anything illegal or that you will regret later. But for me, man, I would not see the woman or the baby ever again. Move on with your life. Maybe this is an opportunity given to you as an impetus to do great things for all mankind. It may be tough to see now, but you never know. The first stanza of the Serenity Prayer really helped me through that time of my life:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

--Reinhold Niebuhr

You are in my prayers man.

 

[SlyGI]

I've been through an equally unpleasant situation. Don't punch walls, it just damages the wall and hurts your fist.

Don't go through a divorce thinking that you're going to be friends with your ex. Also don't make a big deal talking with her that you can't be friends. When she is needy and asks if you can still be friends, just say we'll see what happens.

Get through this and move on. Most importantly, stop playing movies in your mind about what she did. Like I said, something equally horrible happened to me and I kept on thinking about it, driving me to the point of insanity. You have to clear your mind.

My best advice is to take some time off between relationships. I used to have a one-year rule that I luckily have not needed to enact since my current relationship/marriage started about 9 years ago. Since there is no way to date without the danger of meeting "that special someone," this was effectively a celibacy rule as well. YMMV.

+1000

 

[ravkesef]

I can only echo what others have said, except as someone who does marriage counseling, this would be my advice:

1. You've been separated for a year. Time to move on. Get an attorney--a good one and explain the situation to him/her, and direct your attorney to proceed with a divorce as soon as possible. Your attorney will advise you of the legal risks that you might have under the current situation.
2. Have no further contact with this woman except through your attorney. If she phones, give her the attorney's number and tell her that all communications are to be directed through the attorney. if she shows up on your doorstep, don't let her in.
3. Accept the pain you are in, try and heal. therapy would be in order.
4. Your life will get better, and you will be happy again--just not with this person. In fact, you will one day look back on this experience and wonder how you could ever have, ... etc. etc.
5. Is she crazy--she wants you to see the baby????? And if you do, then you're crazy.

chin up, old man. Things really will get better, but you have some work ahead of you right now.

 

[SlyGI]

Thank you for all of the kind words guys. I've had a tough day but I've tried to keep my head up. Although I have had a sick knot in my stomach all day, I forced myself to eat a little bit even though I had no appetite at all. I kept getting text messages from her asking if we could still be friends and if I wanted to see the baby. I took a long walk (probably six miles) and told her afterwards that I didn't think we could be friends. She'd hurt and betrayed me too deeply for that. And I told her I didn't want to meet the baby because of everything the child represents. I did tell her that I want her to be happy and raise her daughter, but to leave me to my life. I don't know if my feelings will change with time, but for now I just want to be left alone. I truly appreciate all of the support and advice you guys have all given. I'll keep you updated.

Good Job Fish! We are with you. If you need to talk, just post a message on the board. We'll support you the best way we can. Feel free to PM me if you need.

 

[dixee6]

sorry to hear about whats happened but everyone is right.you gotta move on. i know,...easier said than done, but you can pull through it. lots of people have had crappy times and some even crappier than this. there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you my friend. and hopefully it will be soon. good luck.

 

[TstebinsB]

I can only echo what others have said, except as someone who does marriage counseling, this would be my advice:

1. You've been separated for a year. Time to move on. Get an attorney--a good one and explain the situation to him/her, and direct your attorney to proceed with a divorce as soon as possible. Your attorney will advise you of the legal risks that you might have under the current situation.
2. Have no further contact with this woman except through your attorney. If she phones, give her the attorney's number and tell her that all communications are to be directed through the attorney. if she shows up on your doorstep, don't let her in.
3. Accept the pain you are in, try and heal. therapy would be in order.
4. Your life will get better, and you will be happy again--just not with this person. In fact, you will one day look back on this experience and wonder how you could ever have, ... etc. etc.
5. Is she crazy--she wants you to see the baby????? And if you do, then you're crazy.

chin up, old man. Things really will get better, but you have some work ahead of you right now.

+1

She never had the courage to say anything for all that time and now she wants you to see the baby?!?!?!?! Numb doesn't describe how I'd feel..

 

[RJSquirell]

Sorry to hear that man. I can't imagine how gut wrenching that must be. Take that as a sign from the Universe to get that paperwork in motion and get the rest of your life on with.

If it's any consolation, you're off the hook for child support.

Ditto

 

[BroJohn]

Fish --

Sorry to hear this. Your wife is busy making a train wreck of her life --and she's inviting you to hop aboard. You *really* don't want to do that. You are properly staying out of that. I'm sorry for the child, but understand, the child is sadly on the train and you aren't.

Move on with your life. Everything will stabilize in due course, though it's hard for you to see that now. Best of luck.

-- John Gehman

 

[wetbadger]

It takes time, and lots of it for all the horrible feelings to go away. As much as you don't feel like it, talk to your friends, try and make new friends, take up a sport, be active, and slowly you will get rid of those old feelings by supplanting them with new one's, that takes time, going to work was a great healer, it forced me to focus and mix with people, it took me longer than a year to "reprogram" my feelings back to normal after my divorce, ymmv.

Hang in there.