Dad Jokes

[Haggises]

Saw this on Twitter yesterday.

Dad - It's cold today, you should dress like Helen of Troy's husband.
Me - what...?
Dad - Many layers


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[dpm802]

A truck driver is on his way to the Cleveland Zoo when his truck breaks down.

He hails down another trucker and says, "Look, here's $500.
Its really important that you take these penguins to the Cleveland Zoo."

The second trucker takes the money, and says "Sure, no problem" ... and he drives off with the penguins.

The first driver gets his vehicle up and running and he limps into town.
He sees the second driver walking down the street, with all the penguins lined up behind him.

The first trucker says "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the Cleveland Zoo!"
The second trucker says "I took them to the Zoo ... We had money left over, so now we're going to see a movie."

 

[Proinsias]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

 

[G-Dogg]

I was in Canada with a friend many years ago on a canoeing holiday. The weather was so cold one day that I refused to get aboard as I thought I would get frostbite in my feet. My chum, being a resourceful sort of guy, went off and came back a few minutes later with a car battery and a length of wire. He then proceeded to fix the wire to the interior of the canoe and connect it up to the battery as an improvised heating element. Within minutes, everything was as warm as toast, so I got in, looking forward to my paddle down the river. Unfortunately, we hadn’t realised that the weight of the battery had completely shifted the centre of gravity, so as soon as I got in, the front of the canoe went up in the air, I was thrown out and nearly froze to death.

This is when I learned that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

 

[Raissermesser]

A boy making a delivery got caught in a thunderstorm, and took refuge on the front porch of an abandoned house. Finding the door unlocked, he went inside to look around. All went well until, in a room upstairs, he found a long box resting on a couple of saw horses, and opened it.

Inside was the most hideous creature he'd ever seen. As he gaped in horror, the thing opened it eyes.

The boy screamed and ran from the room the creature right behind him. He made for the stairs, only for the creature to cut him off. Running back to the room, the creature leaped in front of him and grabbed.

The boy ducked, and ran back down the hall. He made like he was going to another room, but when the creature leaped in front of him, he dodged and ran down the stairs to the front door. He was almost there when the creature leaped from the top of the stairs and blocked his escape.

The boy whirled, ran to the kitchen, grabbed the door knob, but the door was lock. He was still trying to unlock it when the creature entered.

Slowly the creature advanced, slobber dripping from its fangs. Slowly it reached out with a clawed hand, and touched the boy on the shoulder.

"Tag," it said. "You're it."

 

[Buster]

How do you repair a broken Jack o lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.

why should you always invite a ghost to your parties? Because they will bring the boo’s

 

[Doc4]