Dad Jokes

[emwolf]

I do remember reading about the experience of his time in the Soviet Union. This is from Wikipedia:

In 1933, following U.S. diplomatic recognition of the Soviet Union, he spent six weeks in Moscow as a performer and goodwill ambassador....... During this time he served as a secret courier; delivering communiques to and from the US embassy in Moscow at the request of Ambassador William Christian Bullitt, Jr., smuggling the messages in and out of Russia by taping a sealed envelope to his leg beneath his trousers, an event described in David Fromkin's 1995 book In the Time of the Americans.[12][13] In Harpo Speaks, Marx describes his relief at making it out of the Soviet Union, recalling how "I pulled up my pants, ripped off the tape, unwound the straps, handed over the dispatches from Ambassador Bullitt, and gave my leg its first scratch in ten days."[14]

Amazing!

 

[dws]

There is a local farmer, in my area, who was recently awarded for being out standing in his field.

 

[dws]

A local man died the other day after drinking a gallon of varnish.
A horrible few final moments, but a lovely finish.

 

[Rhody]

Why did the skunk go to church?



To sit in his own pew.

 

[jdp93]

I have been torturing my wife and daughters with jokes from this thread. Keep 'em coming!

 

[dws]

Q: Why do melons have weddings?
A: They cantaloupe.

Q: What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
A: Attire.

I went to the corner store this morning. Ended up buying 5 corners.

 

[Haggises]

Why did the skunk go to church?



To sit in his own pew.

Ancient Chinese sayings

Man who fart in church sit in own pew
Man who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary
Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion
Duck that flies upside down quacks up
Man who cut while shaving lose a little face

 

[dpm802]

This is NOT a dirty joke.
Keep a clean mind, don't jump to any conclusions,
and wait for the punchline.

A 98yo man married an 18yo girl,
and no matter how hard they tried,
they couldn't seem to have any children.

They went to see a doctor, and he examined them both.

The doctor gave the old man an empty bottle,
and said "You need to provide a sperm sample.
Go in the next room and, uhhhhhh, do whatever you have to do to provide a specimen."

An hour goes by, and the old man is still not back.
The doctor knocks on the door and says
"Everything OK in there?"

The old man says "I'm doing the best I can, Doc."

The doctor says "Try pulling on it with your other hand."

Another hour goes by, and nothing yet.
The doctor knocks on the door again.
The old man says "I'm doing the best I can, Doc."

The doctor says, "Try using BOTH hands."

Another hour goes by, and they're still waiting.
The doctor turns to the young wife and says,
"Why don't you go in there and see if you can help him?"

The wife says "Huh? What am *I* supposed to do?"
The doctor says
"You're his wife ... you two will figure it out, I'm sure."

Another hour goes by,
and the old man comes out of the room.
He is dripping in sweat, out of breath, his clothes are disheveled,
and his wife isn't in much better shape.

He hands the bottle to the doctor, and its EMPTY.

He says "I'm really sorry, Doc.
I pulled on it with my left hand. No luck.
I pulled on it with my right hand. No luck.
My wife even tried using her mouth on it,
but no matter what we did,
we can't get the top off of this Child Proof Bottle."

See? I told you it wasn't a dirty joke!

 

[dws]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[AZBronco]

Something my dad used to say as he poked me: Am I getting on your nerves?

 

[FoxInfinitySunset]

Q: what do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: nacho cheese

Q: how do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: unique up on it

Q: how do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: tame way, unique up on it

 

[emwolf]

My personal favorite shaggy dog (not told to me by my dad, but equal to his greatest shaggy dog which I've shared at length in another thread):
The principal and second bass fiddle players at a large metropolitan symphony orchestra were very bored. They had been rehearsing for a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony and there was a large portion in one movement where they played nothing at all. So the principal suggests to the second that, at their appropriate rest time during that evening's performance, rather than just standing there for 15 minutes, they slip across the street for a quick beer and come back before they're missed. The second agrees this is a fantastic idea.

That evening, at the appropriate time, they silently recline their instruments and slip away, out the stage door and across the street. One quick round is followed by another, then another. The second looks up at the clock and gasps, "we've been gone too long!"

"Don't worry," says the principal, "we'll head back now and we'll be just fine. You see, I took some yarn and tied the the last pages of the conductors score so that he'll have to free up the yarn before proceeding. You'll see, we'll be just fine."

So the two head back across the street to their places. The hall is in complete silence while the conductor is furiously trying to unknot the yarn sealing the last pages and sweating profusely.

One woman in the audience turns to her husband and says, "that conductor sure looks nervous."

The husband nods and says, "you'd be too if was the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."

 

[John Rose]

For a while (before I was born) my dad sold agricultural heavy equipment. He would say "We stand behind all of our products, except the manure spreaders."

 

[BigLeegr]

My personal favorite shaggy dog (not told to me by my dad, but equal to his greatest shaggy dog which I've shared at length in another thread):
The principal and second bass fiddle players at a large metropolitan symphony orchestra were very bored. They had been rehearsing for a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony and there was a large portion in one movement where they played nothing at all. So the principal suggests to the second that, at their appropriate rest time during that evening's performance, rather than just standing there for 15 minutes, they slip across the street for a quick beer and come back before they're missed. The second agrees this is a fantastic idea.

That evening, at the appropriate time, they silently recline their instruments and slip away, out the stage door and across the street. One quick round is followed by another, then another. The second looks up at the clock and gasps, "we've been gone too long!"

"Don't worry," says the principal, "we'll head back now and we'll be just fine. You see, I took some yarn and tied the the last pages of the conductors score so that he'll have to free up the yarn before proceeding. You'll see, we'll be just fine."

So the two head back across the street to their places. The hall is in complete silence while the conductor is furiously trying to unknot the yarn sealing the last pages and sweating profusely.

One woman in the audience turns to her husband and says, "that conductor sure looks nervous."

The husband nods and says, "you'd be too if was the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."

Nice!

 

[Alacrity59]

For a while (before I was born) my dad sold agricultural heavy equipment. He would say "We stand behind all of our products, except the manure spreaders."

Reminds me of a favourite joke. To avoid being political I'll not mention the political party.

Seems a member of a party one was giving a stump speech while standing on a manure spreader.
He says "I've never stood on party two's platform before"
Someone from the crowd yells out . . . "throw her in high gear she's never had a bigger load on"

 

[Raissermesser]

True story:

We were on a trip when one of the kids announced they had to go now. I saw a nice, clean, convenience store, in a nice location, and pulled in. I noticed glass counters in the back, and, as I waited my turn, checked them out.

First item I saw was a pocket scale. Scale? Uh-oh. Yep, the other items were drug paraphanalia. Not only were the glass counters filled with bongs and such, but so were the shelves behind the counter.

Ohhhhkaaay. I went back and waited, and before we left, I showed it to the kids so if they saw something like that, they'd know it was a place or person or both to avoid. It rattled them, but said nothing until we left.

We had quite a discussion. We ended up with how we'd never dream, from how the place look, that it would have such for sale. It was all nice, clean, and bright one observed.

"Yep," I said. "It was a well lit joint."

To which I was subjected to the groans and scorn of the entire family.

That wasn't the worst part. Oh no. The worst part was it was a completely unintentional pun. When the family groaned and said "Daddy!" it was moment before I realized why.

 

[petr]

How do you make a tissue dance?


Put a little boogie in it.

 

[dpm802]

True story:

We were on a trip when one of the kids announced they had to go now. I saw a nice, clean, convenience store, in a nice location, and pulled in. I noticed glass counters in the back, and, as I waited my turn, checked them out.

First item I saw was a pocket scale. Scale? Uh-oh. Yep, the other items were drug paraphanalia. Not only were the glass counters filled with bongs and such, but so were the shelves behind the counter.

Ohhhhkaaay. I went back and waited, and before we left, I showed it to the kids so if they saw something like that, they'd know it was a place or person or both to avoid. It rattled them, but said nothing until we left.

We had quite a discussion. We ended up with how we'd never dream, from how the place look, that it would have such for sale. It was all nice, clean, and bright one observed.

"Yep," I said. "It was a well lit joint."

To which I was subjected to the groans and scorn of the entire family.

That wasn't the worst part. Oh no. The worst part was it was a completely unintentional pun. When the family groaned and said "Daddy!" it was moment before I realized why.

If my kids were pointing to stuff in the case and saying "Buy me this, Dadddddy!" ... I'd tell them to Pipe Down.

 

[YKMV]

My personal favorite shaggy dog (not told to me by my dad, but equal to his greatest shaggy dog which I've shared at length in another thread):
The principal and second bass fiddle players at a large metropolitan symphony orchestra were very bored. They had been rehearsing for a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony and there was a large portion in one movement where they played nothing at all. So the principal suggests to the second that, at their appropriate rest time during that evening's performance, rather than just standing there for 15 minutes, they slip across the street for a quick beer and come back before they're missed. The second agrees this is a fantastic idea.

That evening, at the appropriate time, they silently recline their instruments and slip away, out the stage door and across the street. One quick round is followed by another, then another. The second looks up at the clock and gasps, "we've been gone too long!"

"Don't worry," says the principal, "we'll head back now and we'll be just fine. You see, I took some yarn and tied the the last pages of the conductors score so that he'll have to free up the yarn before proceeding. You'll see, we'll be just fine."

So the two head back across the street to their places. The hall is in complete silence while the conductor is furiously trying to unknot the yarn sealing the last pages and sweating profusely.

One woman in the audience turns to her husband and says, "that conductor sure looks nervous."

The husband nods and says, "you'd be too if was the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."

Classic!

 

[mio_cuggino]

What is brown and sticky?
A stick!