I'm out.
What happend to the favorite joke thread? i'll start a new one.
- Thread starter Toothpick
- Start date
I'm out.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
CLASSIC! I do what I'm told so there is no drama.
A middle age woman consults her doctor about the wrinkles she's been noticing on her face. He explains a new procedure where a small dial is installed on the back of her head. When you notice a wrinkle, you give a slight turn of the dial to tighten the skin. She decides to have the procedure completed. As needed, when she sees a wrinkle- she turns the dial. Time passes and she starts to notice two large lumps forming on her forehead. She heads back to the doctor's to inquire. "My word Madame! How often have you been turning the dial"? the doctor asks. She replies "Probably more than I should....I would guess daily??" The doctor says "Those lumps on your forehead are actually your breasts".
The woman stops to digest the info for a moment and says "Well...I guess that explains the beard".
The woman stops to digest the info for a moment and says "Well...I guess that explains the beard".
Two elderly men in a nursing home were sitting in the hallway playing a game of checkers. Neither of them were wearing their glasses so they could not see further than the checker board. A woman with alzheimers somehow escaped from the alzheimers ward wearing no clothing and walked down the hallway right past the two men. They both looked up at the woman and one asked the other, "Who was that?" The other replied, "I couldn't quite tell but whoever it is sure needs to iron their clothes."
From an all-purpose greeting card. Three older men are walking along together.
First man: Sure is windy today.
Second man: No, it's Thursday.
Third man: Me too. Lets get a beer.
Second man: No, it's Thursday.
Third man: Me too. Lets get a beer.
so an irishman walks out of a bar...
Ethnic jokes which will probably not be understood unless you're from Scotland and some more specifically, Glasgow.
> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
> "Govan," she replies.
> What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.
> A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
> "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
> "That's affa deer," says the guy.
> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.
> After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
> What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."
> What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.
.
> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
> "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
> "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
> "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.
> A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."
>Woman walks into a bakers points to a cake and asks "Is that a donut or a meringue?". Baker replies "No, you're right missus".
> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
> "Govan," she replies.
> What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.
> A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
> "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
> "That's affa deer," says the guy.
> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.
> After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
> What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."
> What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.
.
> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
> "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
> "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
> "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.
> A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."
>Woman walks into a bakers points to a cake and asks "Is that a donut or a meringue?". Baker replies "No, you're right missus".
- Thread starter
- #31
right you areHahaha! Made me choke on my tea!
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A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a crap."
Here's my all-time favorite joke:
A man goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. When he gets home, the parrot is being an absolute holy terror to him...biting him, clawing at him, cursing at him nonstop...a real hellion of a pet bird. After a few more minutes of this abuse, the man gets fed up with it. He grabs the parrot, throws him in the freezer, and slams the door shut. After a few seconds, he composes himself and opens the freezer back up to retrieve the bird. Before the man can say or do anything, the parrot looks at him and says: "I am SO sorry. I will never cuss at you, bite you, or try to scratch your eyes out again I promise. But I just have to know one thing...what the hell did that chicken do to you?"
A man goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. When he gets home, the parrot is being an absolute holy terror to him...biting him, clawing at him, cursing at him nonstop...a real hellion of a pet bird. After a few more minutes of this abuse, the man gets fed up with it. He grabs the parrot, throws him in the freezer, and slams the door shut. After a few seconds, he composes himself and opens the freezer back up to retrieve the bird. Before the man can say or do anything, the parrot looks at him and says: "I am SO sorry. I will never cuss at you, bite you, or try to scratch your eyes out again I promise. But I just have to know one thing...what the hell did that chicken do to you?"
So I went to the Urologist the other day to talk about getting a vasectomy.
I asked the Dr if it would effect my sex life.
The Dr said, well, you can't have sex for at least a moth after the procedure.
To which I replied.... So no then.
I asked the Dr if it would effect my sex life.
The Dr said, well, you can't have sex for at least a moth after the procedure.
To which I replied.... So no then.
When Hillary was released from the hospital for her concussion, a reporter asks Bill Clinton...
"How's your wife’s "head"?
Bill replied, "well, she's no Monica..."
"How's your wife’s "head"?
Bill replied, "well, she's no Monica..."
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century.
"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?", the presenter asked.
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the 19th century.
"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?", the presenter asked.
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......
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