The B&B CARNIVAL contest #4- Funniest Shave Story

[Jim]

Ok gents, here is your chance to really spin a tall tale, or just make us all laugh.

The rules are simple, tell us a great original story that is somehow directly shave related. Post your tale in this thread. Get crackin'

This contest is being sponsored by our very own MER and the prize is a mac-daddy Mergress and Custom Tech Handle.


Vote Here

 

[elosamurai]

Heres my shave story, not really funny but it somehow got me my greatest treasure,,, my wife...
And I dont think I deserve the prize since it was aztecface that had to go through all the torment, please give it to him....
And here it is--- http://badgerandblade.com/vb/showthread.php?p=267617#post267617

Quite entertaining..

and nerve racking... I would like to give some great advice but our other members have pretty much said all I was considering....
So I'll share a story..
When I was corting my wife we were both in college at the time and living with the rents... So we would take weekends off to a bed and breakfast type place and just lay in bed all day...
She always saw me well groomed and clean shaven but had no idea of how I shaved...Till this day (16 years later) she says one of the sexiest moments was when she was awakened to a plincking noise, to see me in the bathroom filled with steam and the sillohette of me craning my neck with a straight razor in my hand.. She said that screamed manly to her!!
Maybe a few days stay is in order just to grow a stubble and allow her to witness your routine.. I know that the smells of our soaps alone could drive her crazy. If you can get your hands on a rose soap and forget about giving her roses, you can present yourself as that rose....

Good luck sir, and always comport yourself as a gentleman.

 

[davecmu]

With the recent birth of my son, our home has been filled with family visiting from across the country. Recently, by wife's brother and his children stayed with us for an extended weekend. My niece, a precocious five year old who believes she is thirty, is infamous within our family for being gifted with a keen wit and vocabulary, but unburdened by social etiquette.

One morning during their stay, I emerged from my daily shave to find the family gathered around the living room, just shooting the breeze. My niece looked up from her book, gave me the once over visually, and then turned to her father and said "Daddy, where was Uncle Dave just now?"

"He was in his room shaving his face," replied my brother-in-law.

My niece, apparently mishearing 'save' instead of 'shave', turned to her dad and whispered loudly in the way little kids do when being conspiratorial: "Well, I think he needs some help rescuing it because he's still ugly."

I guess that is my clue that no matter how nice I shave, I still look like me.

 

[Stanley]

ok, here's my funny shave story. It is 100% true and happened last December, when I was just learning to use a brush and "real" shave soap.

Shortly after stumbling across this site, I learned how to make lather. I went out and bought the first shave soap I could find, Williams. I did not have a shave brush, and at the time thought that any ol' brush will do.

I rummaged through my wife's "junk" and found this sweet little makeup brush of hers. It was made of some sort of hair, so I figured it would work just fine.

I got the Williams soaking in the hot water to soften it up, and then took my newly found shaving bruish and dipped it into the water. Damn. The animal funk smell coming off that brush makes me want to puke to this day. It was like a wet DEAD dog (which is probably exactly what is WAS). Somehow, I managed to get over the funk and started to attempt a Williams lather.

After a few minutes of working the soap into a lather, I noticed something very strange. The lather was gray; and stinky. This Williams stuff is weird I thought. I kept at it and finally was able to apply the gray lather to my face. The smell was getting really bad. After applying all my lather for my first pass, I dipped the "brush" into the water and was reminded of a tea bag steeping in hot mater. Black stains were coming right off the brush, making every gray.

I threw out the brush and rinsed the lather off my face. I dug my old can of Barbasol out of the garbage and finished the shave with that. I immediately bought a new Vulfix brush form Lee's and have been happy ever since. Moral of the story: a shave brush is an essential shaving item, prefferably made out of badger or boar hair only.

 

[Oldhope]

Because the suffering and embarassment of others is entertaining...

DON'T try this at home:

I didn't find any Clubman at Walgreens... so I went to Sally's and bought some..

When I got home I opened it and thought to myself that it smelled just. like. Brut.

So I went to compare in the bathroom, holding each bottle alternatively under my nose and sniffing, and it occured to me that while smelling pretty much exactly the same, the Brut did smell slightly of oranges and the clubman of apples. (warning:swallow any food and drinks and put them down before continuing)

While in midthought, I must have involuntarily squeezed the bottle of Pinaud, because suddenly Clubman was shooting up my right nostril and also into my right eye. After several minutes of flushing, I was able to see okay and take a small break from suffering before the sneezing fit began (I did not know the human nose could make that much snot in five minutes).

I don't think I am going to feel like using my new Clubman any time soon... nor my Brut for that matter. I'm definitely going to be trying my new bottle of AV blue tonight instead.

Sadly, this episode is actually a bit of deja-vu from last summer, when I was cutting/de-seeding fresh Jalepeno peppers and got squirted in the eye with juice. That was much worse though and took a half hour or more of flushing directly under the shower head, as well as burning the skin around the eye... those peppers are not to be messed with!

(I only share this embarassing info as I have no problem laughing at myself... hopefully someone having a bad day or week will get a little cheered up and a good laugh)

 

[cactusbrush]

I occasionally use a Trac II or Sensor for travel shaves. A couple of years ago I got up a little late one morning after quite a bit of partying the night befor. I didn't want to be late to a seminar and was in a hurry to shave and get moving. I quickly made up a lather and slid on a new cartridge on the Trac II. I decided to make this a quick one-pass shave, and whipped the razor around my face, got dressed and left. I got to one of the sessions and while I was considering in the back of my mind what a smooth shave I had gotten, noticed that I was feeling a lot of stubble, more so than usual even with a Trac II. When I got back to the room I discovered that it is possible to install the Trac II cartridge upside down, which does give a damn smooth shave, but not quite a BBS one.

 

[RichGem]

Well, perhaps of more limited appeal, but ....

As originally posted in the "Week without limecat" thread:

"Two weeks without Limecat"

Two weeks without Limecat and all 'cross the board
electrons were yawning, some really quite bored.
Catnip was hung by the servers with care
in hopes that Limecat soon would be there.

The Mods were nestled all snug in their beds
while visions of citrus danced in their heads
And Ian in his kerchief and Ouch in his cap
had just settled in for a two-week nap
When out at the server there arose such a clatter
the Mods sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.
Off to Hawaii they flew in a flash
to see Chip and the Missus, him tanning his ash.

The vacation of rest on newly groomed sand
gave way to his pester and her top did blow
When what to my bleary eyes should appear
but Lynchmeister, green velva, and a six pack of beer
with Zeni the old driver so sick-minded and quick
I knew in that moment, they'd face the wrath of Nick.

More rapid than light his posts should've come
but she whistled and shouted and called him bad names.
"Now Thirdeye, now OldSaw, now Crankymoose!
On Burnwood, on Soapbox, and on Mr. G.
Get off our porch, stay away from our hall
now go away, go away, go away you all."

As wet lather from the knotted boar does fly,
when Chip wants to post, oh how he does try.
So up to the sat dish, Dori she flew
with wire cutters, Chip's laptop, and a mean attitude.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the net
the prancing and pawing of B&B's pet.
As I gave a mouse click and was turning 'round
across the aether Limecat came with a bound.
He had groomed all his fur from his ears to his tail
in his hands were found sand shovel and pail.
A bundle of shave goods he had slung 'cross his back
and he looked like an eBayer just opening his pack.
His eyes so bloodshot, but his temper quite merry
his cheeks full of stubble, his nose a sunburned cherry.
His quick-witted mouth, uncensored at last
the beard on his chin, we were truly aghast.
Cory's ethernet cable held tight in his teeth
Dori's hands encircled his throat like a wreath.
His bestubbled face and now relaxed mien
he shook when he laughed like a tub of cheap cream.
He's now chubby and plump that right jolly ole cat
We grinned when we saw him, and tipped our hat.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave us to know we had little to dread.
He typed many words when he went back to work
and posted to all the missed threads; he's no jerk.
And laying his SuperSpeed along one cheek
and giving a nod, off to the mirror he strode
he grabbed up his brush and lathered with mettle
and away he shaved with badger and blade.
But, we heard him exclaim ere he began his first pass
"Happy shaving to all; and to all, Limecat is back!"

 

[rusirius]

Well, I don't know if this is funny or not... I've never really considered it as such, but everyone else always seems to think so...

Once upon a time I was just being introduced to wet shaving. I placed a big order from Classic Shaving and just couldn't wait for it to arrive in the mail... (Had to have it shipped overnight of course!) Isn't it strange that even if you place an order on Monday for something you KNOW you won't be able to use until the weekend you still have to order it with overnight shipping? I dunno, maybe I'm the only one... Anywho... Back to my fantastic shave.

The next day all my items arrived (a Vulfix brush, a Merkur HD, a couple pucks of classic soap, an alum block, some proraso pre-post and of course a 5 gallon jug of Pinaud Bay Rum... I couldn't wait to get started... I quickly unwrapped everything, threw the puck in a cup, loaded up one of the Merkur blades and headed for the bathroom...

Now before we get into the meat and potatoes here, let me just explain that I had NO idea what I was doing here. I don't even remember ever seeing my dad wet shave before, he always used the disposible bics... At least until we moved out of the car and was able to afford an electric razor... So I truely had no idea what I was doing... Nada...

So here we go... Time to ENJOY this wonderful experience called a wet shave... I had read numerous articles on the web about how great it was... How clean and close of a shave I could get, and how once I went wet, I'd never turn back...

Well, first step had to be to get my brush wet... I did know that much... So I went ahead and ran it under the sink for a moment and.... What the?!? Where's the dog? Has he been out in the fields rolling in some disgusting crap again?!? DOG?!?!? WHERE ARE YOU?!!?!? Hrmm... that's odd... Dog's still outside... Where on earth is that ..... OHHH GOD!!! It's the brush!!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!? It's... I dunno... But it's been dead a long time I can assure you of that!!! UGGGHHH!!!! Can't be... Let me get a better whiff... OHHH NO!!!! That's horrible... I can't rub this dead stench all over my face....

Well, eventually I convinced myself that "All those other guys enjoy this so much... Maybe the dead animal stench gets covered up by the soap smell"... Yeah, that has to be it.. No wonder these soaps are scented so strongly, they have to be to kill that odor... Okay, time to carry on...

So obviously I just take this brush and whip it up around in the cup until I get lather... I mean why else would I have it in a big cup if I wasn't supposed to get lather right there... So I whipped and whipped... Nada... Nothing... Just some soap in an almost completely dry brush...

Hrmm... I'd heard that some people didn't like these classic soaps so much... Maybe this is why... Maybe it was because they didn't lather very well... I got a brilliant idea... I'll just add a little dawn dish detergent in there... Surely that stuff will lather...

Whip .... Whip ..... Whip .... Whip ....

Hrmm... Looking better, but still not quite right... What could possibly be wrong here... Wait... WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!? I've never had a sink full of dawn lather up... Dawn doesn't lather, it's just plain old soap... It just makes a few bubbles and cuts grease right out of the way...

SHAMPOO!!! That's what I need! I know for a fact shampoo lathers right up easily... If it'll make lather with hair, it surely should make lather with dead stinky badger hair...

Whip .... Whip .... Whip .... Whip .....

Hrmm.... Must need more shampoo....

Whip .... Whip .... Whip .... Whip .....

Pretty close... You know... Maybe while I was trying to cover my nose and walking around the house looking for the dog the brush lost too much water??? This is called "Wet" shaving after all... Maybe I just need to add some water... Yeah, that has to be it... Let's add water...

Whip .... Whip ... OHH MY GOD!!! I've never seen a lather bomb, but this must be it... Suddenly it was like I had thrown a bottle of bubble bath in a hot tub...

Okay Okay STOP! No more whipping... She can't take this much more cap'n... There's lather everywhere... all over the sink.... all over the mirror... all over the shelves... even all over the toilet and floor....

Obviously it's time to shave...

So the next step obviously is just to rub this brush all over my face and get it soaped up... OHHH MY GOD THIS SMELLS BAD... It smells like a carcass that had been dead for 2 months suddenly rose up from the grave and prepared for his date that night by shampooing his hair, spritzing on a little lime and coconut cologne and then did the dishes before heading out the door... NOT GOOD... Why on earth am I rubbing this stench all over my face????

Hrmmm.... Well, I don't know if it's the brush, the soap, the dawn, or the shampoo (which has provitamins and must be good for your beard by the way), but something has a nice tingle to it... .... ....

Okay, all lathered up... Of course I'm not exactly sure I'd call this lather, but what the heck... Let's go for it... Time to shave...

Okay, short strokes now... with the grain... more strokes... again ..... hrmmm... Doesn't look like it's doing much... Okay, let's rinse off and have a look....

What the?!?!? My face is red, but the beard doesn't look like it's been touched... What the heck is wrong with this razor? Everyone said it was a good one... This has to work better than this... It's better than a Mach 3 right?!?

WAIT A SECOND... This thing is dull... I can rub my finger right over it and it doesn't even ...... Ohhh... You mean it doesn't come with a blade already in it?!?!? Every razor I've ever bought in my life already had the blade in it... *sigh*

Alright... Let's lather up again... Hrmm... There's that tingle again... well... it's not really a tingle now, it's actually a little more of a sting.. Ahh, that must just be the beard softeners working... .... ... I hope it wasn't a bad thing that the shampoo is dandruff control....

Lather ... Check ... Razor ... Check ... Blade Installed ... Check ...

Let's do this...

Nice short strokes... hrmmm... It's working this time.... but I still see lots of stubble... Must not be pressing hard enough... Just a little more pressure... Yeah, that looks a little better... Getting a decent shave now... That's got it... Good grief though... My hand's gonna get tired pressing this much if I do too many passes...

Rinse....

HOLY COW... I wonder if my face is supposed to be that red??? That's not blood is it? No... Just red skin... hrmmm... I dunno... Nevermind... Just part of the process I'm sure....

Let's get this lather working again... Yeah, scrub it in good.. Wait. .. . . Ummm . . . . HOLY MARY MOTHER OF ... ... ARRRGG!G!!! AHHHH !!H!H! WAAAH!H!!!H!H!H!! THIS IS BURNING LIKE FIRE!!! FIRE!!!

I thought it was a classic soap, not the C&E Sienna...

Okay... I've seen the Home Alone movie... Shaving is supposed to burn... It's just part of the pores opening up or something... Obviously it's a clear sign that I'm doing a fantastic job... Still not sure how these guys find this enjoyable, but maybe the reward in the end is worth it...

You know... I don't think I can take lathering up again... I better just skip right to the against the grain pass... Yeah, that'll save me some time and some wear and tear on my face...

Okay against the grain... Supposed to stretch my skin or something too right? I dunno, better though... Since I'm skipping a step I'll probably want to press harder too, just to make sure I get all of it this pass... Everyone talks about the Baby Butt Smooth shave, I gotta make sure I get some of that!

Wow... That is REALLY starting to burn now... It's really uncomfortable... I still just can't believe anyone finds this enjoyable...

Rinse....

Rub... Wow... That really is smooth... I've never felt my face this smooth before... That's amazing... but.... Wow... No, it CAN'T be that red... That's not possible... I look like one of those skinless science "muscle structure" heads... Well, I guess if that's the only way to get this smooth, then that's what it takes...

Now let's see if I remember this right... I think I'm supposed to take this Alum and wet it and rub it on my face... Yeah, that's the FIRE!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!! HOLY $#*@!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!

What is this stuff!?!?!?!?!?!!/ I didn't realize Alum was native american for FIRE!!!!!!!

FORGET THAT!!! I'll skip that step... Whatever that Alum stuff is I'm throwing it away... That stuff is just ridiculous!!! Just a small spot on my cheek fortunately, but man... That was insane....

Okay, let's see... Ahh yeah, next step would be aftershave... Pinaud Bay Rum huh? Never tried the stuff, never even heard of it, but everyone talks about how great it is... Gotta be the good stuff...

*sniff* *sniff* ... Hrmm... Smells a little less modern than the usual stuff I use, but not a bad smell at all... Let's go for it...

*splash* *splash* *slap* * FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!! SHIELDS UP!!!!!!!! RED ALERT!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!! OF ALL THAT IS HOLY FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FIRE!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

........................


...........

*blink* *blink* How did I get on the floor??? The last .... HOLY FIRE!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... 3 hours later ...

FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*rinse* *rinse* "Please Lord, make this fire go away... I'll never do anything bad again... Just please please make it stop... I can't take it any longer... Please... It must stop..... Please"

.... 1 hour later ...

fire . . . . fire . . . . *snore* *snore* *snore*

.... the next morning ....

What happened?!? I ... wow... I gotta go look in the mirror... HOLY COW... I still look like I'm a skinless dummy... well... at least the burning stopped... Wow, I still don't see any stubble though... That looks pretty good... Wow I don't feel any stubble either it's like .... WHOA! FIRE!... Okay Okay Okay... don't touch... nothing touches the face! NOTHING!!!!

But wow... That is one SMOOTH shave... I think I'll try it again tonight but try just an against the grain pass...

................

Fortunately I've learned a lot since then... I now use non-dandruff control shampoo and a huge time saver, the "foaming" dawn instead of the regular stuff....

 

[Budrbean]

Ok I havent been wet shaving that long (since March) but I am finally getting the hang of things. This is the first time I have ever entered a contest on here so here goes.....

This will hit home with all fellow gentlemen out there Im sure. And before I get started this is all true, you cant make this stuff up LOL

So after a few months of using the Bigelow cream, I had decided I was longing for something more. Something more sophisticated for my face, something easier on my skin.....just something better all around. So after searching on the site, I came to the conclusion that if I was gonna try a shaving soap, then Mama Bears would be the way to go. Now I really like the tingling feeling of the Bigelow cream so I was delighted to see that Mama Bear offered up a full line of menthol or "ice" scents. I just love anything menthol it is so refreshing! So I placed my order for the Mandarin Ice.

After a little over a week, I received my package and could hardly wait to give it a try. I opened the package and took a whiff....WOW it was a more than pleasant scent. Now I work 3rd shift, so I do my shaving at night before getting ready for work. I am also a shower shaver. To me its kind of a time saver because I have been known to take long showers anyways....may as well be using that time for shaving right?

So the time comes. I soaked my brush, opened the new Mama Bear Soap and MMMMMMMMMM it was luxurious. Built me some good lather and started massaging my face with my piece of crap boar hair brush (im still working on saving for a good brush). Nevertheless, regardless of the brush, this was AWESOME!!!!! The tingling of the menthol was better than the Bigelow I had been using and I was basically in my own little shaving world at this point.

Now normally I do a 3 pass shave....and sometimes a touch up. Just depends on if shaving for a date or other important occasion. So since I am a shower shaver, I dont worry about making a mess cause it can be simply rinsed away. So I was whipping the crap out of my newfound lather. Some of it splashed out on my stomach, walls, etc. Not really a big deal.....or so I thought.

Im about half way through my second pass when I get this EXTREME burning sensation where no man wants to get any burning sensation. YES....THERE! Little did I know, some of this soap that was running down my neck and stomach has now made its way down to the family jewels! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH CRAP IM ON FIRE!!!!!!! So I put down all my stuff, do a crazy dance in the shower, grab the removeable shower head and spray cold water on my boys to try and put the fire out. And heres how that worked out.....have you ever drank cold water after an Altoid?........well there ya go. Yep the boys are freezing now! I was almost in a state of panic at one point, but I just had to deal with it. I warmed the water back up and about 10 mins later I had my self thinking I was gonna live.

I learned a very important lesson here with my new soap....and I hope everyone reads this and learns by my mistake as well. This is not a shot towards Mama Bear because I LOVE this product and will probably order some of the other Ice Scents. I'll just do my best to keep the boys out of harms way. Any man who wants to shave down there and can do this with Mama Bears Ice soap and a straight razor......I WOULD NEVER QUESTION YOUR MANHOOD!

 

[castlecraver]

Here's my entry. 100% fiction, any resemblance to any real person living or dead is coincidental. This ended up going in an entirely different direction than I'd intended when I sat down to write this, so while its meant to be funny, it's not side-splitting as much as its sort of graphic-novel/pulp dark comedy. So sue me.



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As if I were awaking from a pleasant dream, the spotlights are snuffed out and the light that flashes bursts of red reality into my fantasy ceases abruptly. The unnamed beautiful woman that only moments ago was breathing silk-tinged whispers into my ear is briskly fleeing past the cameras without a offering me second glance. A robe is placed over my shoulders by some unseen assistant, and I'm ushered away past the curious wood and plastic props made to look gleaming and futuristic, about to be brought in to replace me.

My tormented life betrays my GQ charm. In a few weeks, my smiling face will be looking up at greater men through the glow of their idiot box. And despite the protests of my soul, I suspect many of them will make the terrible mistake of following my well-paid advice and purchasing the latest multi-bladed abomination from Gillette. Tonight it was a new iteration of the Fusion, this time with a jet-black vibrating handle -- a design my oft-ribald mind thinks better suited for items found in a sleazy adult bookstore than my unadulterated bathroom cabinet. But P&G knows better, and millions of my admirers will gladly dispatch Alexander Hamilton across the drugstore counter for the opportunity to feel sensations in their hand which they can't even imagine could be exceeded on their faces.

I go home and clutch my chrome Merkur double-edge in my hand, staring down at my sink because to look at myself in the mirror would be too painful. My array of vintage brushes taunts me from the shelf above, almost every one of them purchased with blood money. The blood of every man who'll never realize what a pathetic chemical lather he's rubbing onto his face in the morning and drag 5 flimsy, too-tightly spaced blades across his face and feel good about his shave. They have no idea, and the faceless executive who signs my paycheck forbids me from disclosing the truth about the “'best' a man can get.”

Even in today's overexposed Hollywood, it remains an industry secret that we rare men who're blessed with faces like mine and a good agent shave with wet lather and double-edge razors before our close-ups. When stubble is verbotten and razor bumps are unheard of, when one's skin absolutely has to be radiant and flawlessly smooth, no man in this business would turn to a shoddy Quattro.

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I was indoctrinated before my first appearance in a clothing ad several years ago. The men in those Sunday circulars, it turns out, must appear to be the epitome of clean-shaven Ward Cleaver. I had shaved with my usual Mach 3 an hour or two before showing up, but the makeup lady pointed out the fading stubble under my sideburns and some residual neck fuzz. It the past it would have perhaps been okay for modeling sleepwear, but certainly too much roughness for selling collared shirts. A male assistant showed me the ropes, shaved me barber-shop style, and offered me the address of a website with more information and instructions. "B&B," he called it.

The quality of the shave was certainly not a Hollywood secret to the gents there. Before long, I was purchasing classic shave goods from all over the world and putting them to use on my face daily, resulting in impeccably smooth shaves that lasted the entire day. Some of them were even sturdy forebearers of the plastic abominations I'd come of age with. It was transcendent. My inner confidence at once matched my outward appearance. It got me more complements, girlfriends, and gigs.

One of those gigs presented itself a couple years ago in my agent's office. I was seated across the table from an fat, bearded older man who offered me a truly prodigious contract to advertise the same Mach 3 razor I'd thrown away the year before.

"But those razors are terrible," I pleaded. "Haven't you got something better by now?"
"That's not important," he snapped back. "It'll be the standard 'drag the cartridge with fake blades through some lather' and then the pretty girl will smooch you and rub your cheek. A couple hours, tops. Its the easiest check you'll ever cash."
"But..." I stammered.
"But what? Look, buddy, there's a hundred models out there just like you. And they all know about this double edge hooey but I bet you I can find a couple who don't mind keeping it to themselves if the price is right. The Superspeed made our company what it is today, but we're just not in that business anymore."

I sighed. I needed the money and no one was telling me I couldn't privately shave how I wanted. A “don't ask, don't tell” proposition for my alternative shaving lifestyle. My eyes winced and my stomach turned with each swoop of the pen. Another shameless, meaningless endorsement. As if Tiger Woods wouldn't rather be driving anything except that Buick SUV. As if Yao Ming really eats Big Macs.

About a week after the first shoot, my agent informed me that Gillette indeed wanted to keep me on as the face of their products. Their preliminary sales numbers went beyond all expectations she said, and they were particularly impressed by the appearance of my flawlessly smooth face on-camera. The badger in my heart lurched, but I knew opportunity wouldn't knock twice. I had no choice.

I had always assumed it would become easier as the shoots continued, but it never did. The indistinguishable new formulations of the shave gel all found their way to my cheeks under those cruel spotlights, despite never earning a second glance from me on the supermarket shelf. 3-bladed disappointments made way for a 5-bladed abortion, which jittered down my cheek, only clearing away the fake lather from my already impeccable face. The pretty girl kissed me, I threw another grin to the camera, and it was over again. Never in my life have I felt so ashamed.

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But I've hatched a plan for penance. It may take me the rest of my life to reach all the masses of people I've misled and right this atrocious wrong, but I've got to try to overthrow these facial fascists. I shall don the mask of Guy Fawkes and start the bonfire at my local Walmart. Not with matches and gunpowder, but with thousands of tiny stickers. Slipped discreetly inside boxes and underneath shave gel caps, my lost shaving brethren will be inspired to storm against the multi-bladed parliament with a quiet suggestion:

“You could have it so much better. See BadgerAndBlade.com. Pass it on.”
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[dcormier]

This may or may not qualify (I'll leave that up to the mods), but shaving was involved. Enjoy.

Let me start by giving you some background information.

When this happened, I had been working at this company for six months. The company had four suites in their building. Two on the first and two on the second floor. One of the lower ones was about half the bottom floor of the building. The others aren't that large; there were less than a dozen people in each of the smaller suits. I worked upstairs with ten other people in the suite the support/QA department has. I didn't usually go into any suites other than where the programmers are.

For a few months I'd been sitting on my plan for April 1, 2004. Since I had worked there, I had fairly long hair, a goatee and I had worn glasses for years. Only my boss had seen me with short hair and clean shaved.

While waiting for that April 1, I let my hair get longer than I had in years. In the front it was down the tip of my nose if I pulled it straight.

I got contacts a week prior and wore them in evenings and over the weekend. I shaved and got a significant haircut on the evening of March 31st. "Cut it as short as you can and not have it stand up on it's own," I told the woman.

Normally I dress casually (jeans, t-shirt, etc).

On April 1 I showed up to work in a long-sleeve, bright red, button-down shirt, black pants, nice shoes, no glasses, clean shaved with a very different haircut. Only two people at work knew about this beforehand. Kyle (a co-worker and friend of mine who worked in the same room as me), and Greg (my boss' boss and a very good friend of mine).

I was the first to arrive in our suite that morning. My plan was to sit at the desk of someone who doesn't show up until the afternoon, remotely connect to my computer and work as normal. Unfortunately that computer had a problem so I couldn't log into his computer. I just went and sat at my desk, instead.

My desk was not in the main room of the suite. It was in a room to the side with my boss, Kyle and someone else who I work closely with throughout the day. If you walked into the suite, you would be in a short hallway. If you walked forward 3 steps you would be in the main room where 7 desks are. If you look to the right from this point you would see my desk and my left side (assuming I was at the desk).

Soon after I arrived, I heard the door open, someone walk in (I knew who it was by the footsteps). I didn't look over. I heard him walk past, stop, walk back slowly, pause and then very carefully start walking towards me. I didn't turn or say anything until he very cautiously said "Hello." I looked at him and responded. By this time he did know it was me, but he looked a bit shocked.

The rest of my co-workers had similar (but less severe) reactions. It was better than I expected.

Shortly after Kyle arrived, I got an instant message from him saying something to the effect of, "Let's go down stairs and introduce to you people as my cousin Donald from Nebraska." (He doesn't really have a cousin Donald from Nebraska.) "Hell yes," was my response.

Kyle called his wife, who worked in the large downstairs office to find out if the COO was at his desk, which he was. All he said to her was, "I'm bringing in my cousin from Nebraska for a tour." So we got up and headed downstairs.

The first person we ran into as we opened the door downstairs was our boss, who took a split second to recognise me when Kyle "introduced" me as Donald. He chuckled and went on upstairs. Greg was across the room (50-60') and saw us come in. I saw the grin across his face and he came closer to witness the antics.

Kyle introduced me to Stu (the COO, who knows me fairly well) next. We couldn't tell if he didn't know or was playing along. We found out later that he did not know, though he thought I looked familiar.

We continued on and made the rounds of the large suite. About 40 people work in there. Almost no one caught on right away, several figured it out before I left their space, but most were clueless and found out later in the day or the following morning in the email Kyle and I sent out to all the staff.

There were a few choice moments, of course.

We walked into one office, and Kyle introduced Donald to Cheryl. "This is my cousin Donald, from Nebraska." She said, "I've been to Nebraska! I've been to Carhenge!" Thinking she said "Car Hinge" and assuming it was the name of some town somewhere in Nebraska I just said, "Okay." Kyle took a moment but realized what she had said. He said, "Oh! Carhenge!" Then turned to me and continued, "You sent me those pictures from there! With those cars in the ground like Stonehenge!" Then I realized what she was talking about and I acknowledged it appropriately. When we left she had no clue it was me. She apparently found out later on that day.

Another fun moment was from Jenny, a good friend of Kyle's and somewhat of a friend of mine. We walked by her a couple of times before Kyle introduced Donald to her. She had no idea who I really was. The followed us into the Executive VP's office and the three people in there realized it after a about 20 seconds and started laughing. Then Jenny realized what was going on and was REALLY embarrassed.

Apparently the fact that we walked by her a couple of times had her a little flustered. More on that later.

Kendra did a really good job of not revealing what she knew to the 3 people in her office, and they didn't have a clue. One of them found out later from someone else, one found left early and didn't find out until this morning, and another, Dawne, had no idea until the end of the day. I was in Kenda's office with Kendra, Dawne, Jenny and another young lady, Christina. This was after 6 o'clock and apparently Dawne was the only one of them who didn't know at this point, but I thought she did know. She looked at me and said "You look a lot like Daniel. You could be his brother." Thinking she was joking I said, "Yeah. His twin." "It is Daniel," said Christina. "No, I said he could be Daniel's brother," Dawne responded. "It IS Daniel," Christina repeated. Then Dawne realized what had happened. She actually had to sit down on the floor so she wouldn't fall because she was laughing at what Kyle and I had pulled.

We had planned for Kyle to vouch for me and for Greg (who is also the CTO) to annoy the List (the HR manager) to use some clout and get me "hired" as Donald. Basically Greg was going to tell Lisa that he had pretty much hired me and just needed her to take me through the paperwork. This would've REALLY ticked her off. Unfortunately, Lisa actually came upstairs and saw me at my desk. Took her a moment, but she realized it was me.

So instead, we decided to have Lisa introduce me to the President of the company (Alex) as a new hire, as is standard practice at the company. We a whole slew of us go into his office. Lisa, Kyle, Kendra, Greg, Jenny and I. Kyle and Lise introduce me and Alex does his formal introduction. Everyone got very quiet and he said later that he thought he had said something wrong. Something that the others thought would offend me. Then he actually said, "You know, you look a lot like..." snapping his fingers, trying to remember the name, "Daniel up in Tech. Have you met him?" I said "No," and Kyle said "Yes," but we recovered acting as though I'd just lost track of everyone I'd met. Greg and Jenny were just outside the office trying to contain their laughter and Lisa just burst out laughing behind me. Alex had no idea what was going on. Lisa squeaked out that I was Daniel. Alex turned back to me with a surprised look on his face. I just grinned and bowed. Everyone lost it completely. Hadn't imagined it going as well as it did. That was my favorite moment of the day.

Back to Jenny. She's a fairly stereotypical young, American, female. From what I heard from a couple other sources, she and some of the other young women were talking about "Donald" with some interest after he was first spotted. So when we walked past her a couple of times, she was bothered by it. She thought Kyle was intentionally doing not introducing her to Donald.

The next I went and talked to her for a bit. The last thing I said to her was, "I know the truth, Jenny. You had the hots for Donald." Then left the room before she had a chance to respond.

When I got back upstairs, I told two people to make comments to her about her having the hots for Donald. That quickly changed to a good chunk of the company bothering her about it. I just got off the phone with a mutual friend of ours who doesn't work at the company, and he's about to shoot her an email asking her about Donald.

She's too easy to mess with. It's great.