Everybody is getting into to eye creams these days...
Jokes that make you groan
- Thread starter Captain Pre-Capsize
- Start date
That's very advanced eye care. My optometrist is still doing glasses and contact lenses; I'm still waiting for him to ... ketchup with recent advances in eye care.
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What....Wait I mustard heard you wrong
Here’s a blast from the past:
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in the strawberry patch.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in the strawberry patch.
Why do elephants paint their toenails purple?
So they can hide in the grapevines.
How was Tarzan killed?
Picking grapes.
So they can hide in the grapevines.
How was Tarzan killed?
Picking grapes.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: To hide in Cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree?
No.
See, it works.
A: To hide in Cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a Cherry tree?
No.
See, it works.
What do geneticists have in their gardens?
G-nomes
G-nomes
Saw this in the want adds.
For sale: $2000 diamond engagement ring
Asking $1200 or trade for rifle.
For sale: $2000 diamond engagement ring
Asking $1200 or trade for rifle.
Another one too good for us @ackvil !
Man goes to the Dr. and is told, "You have 6 months to live."
Man says, "Doc I'll never be able to pay my bills in 6 months."
Dr. says, "OK, I'll give you another 6 months but that's it."
Man says, "Doc I'll never be able to pay my bills in 6 months."
Dr. says, "OK, I'll give you another 6 months but that's it."
The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the American Legion Post. A rumpled old Army ground-pounder was standing near the edge, with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing. "Fishing," the old sergeant simply said.
"Poor old loon," the Marine officer thought to himself, and invited the old Army infantryman into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked, "How many have you caught today?" "You're number 14," the old sergeant answered, taking another sip from his double Martini. " 2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9 Marines"
"Poor old loon," the Marine officer thought to himself, and invited the old Army infantryman into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked, "How many have you caught today?" "You're number 14," the old sergeant answered, taking another sip from his double Martini. " 2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9 Marines"
There was once a woman who had been married 4 times, and each of her husbands had died. Her husbands had interesting professions: The first was a banker, the second was an actor, the third was a preacher, and the fourth was a mortician. When asked why her husbands had such varied professions, she said: "One for the money; two for the show; three to get ready, and four to go!"
A very important man is to make a keynote speech at an Ivy League graduation, December 1948.
He has a terrible case of laryngitis. Good thing his doctor lives 3 houses down the street. It is 4 am.
He walks down the street and knocks on the door. The doctor's wife answers, opening the window on the second floor and looking down. "Who is it, she whispers?"
"Is the Dr. in?" the man whispers as loud as he can muster.
"No," she says--"C'mon up!"
He has a terrible case of laryngitis. Good thing his doctor lives 3 houses down the street. It is 4 am.
He walks down the street and knocks on the door. The doctor's wife answers, opening the window on the second floor and looking down. "Who is it, she whispers?"
"Is the Dr. in?" the man whispers as loud as he can muster.
"No," she says--"C'mon up!"
My wife brought home a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where we're going now that this pandemic is over.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
At the lumberjack union/convention they're all there.
The Canadians take the stage first and say, "We took care of the upper third of the Northern Rockies in 1 month. TEN of us!
The crowd goes crazy.
The Russians are next, and say, "We took down more than 15 hectares of terrible cold woods in 3 weeks." More applause.
The Americans take the stage and say, "We rid the Sahara Forest of EVERYTHING in 4 months. Crew of 60 men!"
The crowd is silent until someone from the back breaks the silence and says, "It's not the Sahara Forest, it's the Sahara Desert!"
The American spokesman replies, "Yeah, NOW."
The Canadians take the stage first and say, "We took care of the upper third of the Northern Rockies in 1 month. TEN of us!
The crowd goes crazy.
The Russians are next, and say, "We took down more than 15 hectares of terrible cold woods in 3 weeks." More applause.
The Americans take the stage and say, "We rid the Sahara Forest of EVERYTHING in 4 months. Crew of 60 men!"
The crowd is silent until someone from the back breaks the silence and says, "It's not the Sahara Forest, it's the Sahara Desert!"
The American spokesman replies, "Yeah, NOW."
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19.
Dogs previously held in quarantine should now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
Dogs previously held in quarantine should now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
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