Jokes that make you groan
- Thread starter Captain Pre-Capsize
- Start date
Again: this joke is too good for this thread my friend!
You are the only reason I still visit this one...
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for the bus when one woman says "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep".
The other woman replies "yes, I know, I heard it snoring."
The other woman replies "yes, I know, I heard it snoring."
Now THIS one cracked my lovely War Department up! Thank you my friend. She needed that.
During a police raid on a high class bordello, just for good measure the boys in blue confiscated a parrot that had lived there quite some time. Eventually it wound up in a police auction and was purchased by a society matron. Once home, she promptly forgot about it once it was in the servants' care. Some weeks later she decided to throw a Ball and had the bird's cage wheeled into the room.
So, the bird looked around and said, "Hmmm brand new house." Observing some more he said, "Brand new women." Then upon observing the various dignitaries, politicians, and influence peddlers, "Ahhhh, but the same old customers."
So, the bird looked around and said, "Hmmm brand new house." Observing some more he said, "Brand new women." Then upon observing the various dignitaries, politicians, and influence peddlers, "Ahhhh, but the same old customers."
Two kids who broke an old womans window were sentenced to spend time with her as companions.
The first day she invited them in, and sat a tray down with a bowl of peanuts and 2 cokes.
They visited and when it was time to leave, one kid said "Thanks for the refreshments, sorry we ate all your peanuts."
The old woman said "That's alright, I can't eat them anyway. "
The kid responded "If you don't like them, why do you keep them in the house?"
The old woman replied "I didn't say I didn't like them, it's just that since I got dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
The first day she invited them in, and sat a tray down with a bowl of peanuts and 2 cokes.
They visited and when it was time to leave, one kid said "Thanks for the refreshments, sorry we ate all your peanuts."
The old woman said "That's alright, I can't eat them anyway. "
The kid responded "If you don't like them, why do you keep them in the house?"
The old woman replied "I didn't say I didn't like them, it's just that since I got dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
What is Forrest Gumps password?
1,Forrest,1
1,Forrest,1
Oh dear(!)
I had lunch here with Bobby Fischer, it took him an hour to pass the salt.
Rhody
I'm a Lumberjack.
A horse walks into a bar.
He says to the barmen, “Can I have a pint of beer please?”
The barman replies “Look mate, we don’t serve horses.”
The horse leaves.
The next day the horse walks in and says to the Barman “Can I have a pint of beer please mate?”
The barmen replies “Look mate I’ve told you! We don’t serve horses!”
The horse leaves.
The following day the horse walks in again and says to the Barman “Can I have a pint of beer please mate”
The Barman replies “Look, I’ve told you, we do not serve horses, if you come in again, I’m going to nail your hooves to the bar!”
The horse leaves.
The horse returns to the bar again, walks in and says to the Barman “Hi mate, I’m doing some work on my house, do you have any nails I could borrow?”
The Barman replies “Sorry, no I don’t”
The horse replies “Okay good, Can I have a pint of beer then please?”
He says to the barmen, “Can I have a pint of beer please?”
The barman replies “Look mate, we don’t serve horses.”
The horse leaves.
The next day the horse walks in and says to the Barman “Can I have a pint of beer please mate?”
The barmen replies “Look mate I’ve told you! We don’t serve horses!”
The horse leaves.
The following day the horse walks in again and says to the Barman “Can I have a pint of beer please mate”
The Barman replies “Look, I’ve told you, we do not serve horses, if you come in again, I’m going to nail your hooves to the bar!”
The horse leaves.
The horse returns to the bar again, walks in and says to the Barman “Hi mate, I’m doing some work on my house, do you have any nails I could borrow?”
The Barman replies “Sorry, no I don’t”
The horse replies “Okay good, Can I have a pint of beer then please?”
Holy smokes! A talking horse. It must have been Mr. Ed.
I am making a Craft Beer.
I have named it "York Hind"
Everyone will sell it because no bartender wants to say "We don't serve York Hind here"
I have named it "York Hind"
Everyone will sell it because no bartender wants to say "We don't serve York Hind here"
Rhody
I'm a Lumberjack.
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says: “what would you like, sir” in response, the horse, having no way to understand english, promptly takes a massive bowel movement on the floor and leaves
A minister, a priest, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar.
The horse says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
The horse says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
Yes, very meta. Very good.
Rhody
I'm a Lumberjack.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender goes: "Oh ****, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.
The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.
The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.
One patron takes a hoof to the face. He blacks out.
He wakes up in the hospital. Groggy from painkillers, he realizes his face is covered in bandages. The doctor informs him that it's been ruined beyond repair; he'll need a full face transplant.
Weeks on a waiting list turn into months, but in time, he can finally get the transplant. The surgery is successful, but he has years of healing ahead of him.
Years pass, and he makes a full recovery. He starts resuming life: returning to work, getting back out doors, socializing.
One day, he's walking around town and happens to come across that same bar where that awful accident happened years ago, nearly killing him, derailing his life. The damage from the horse had been fixed years ago, but he can see through the window that the same bartender still works there.
He walks into the bar.
The bartender asks: "Why the wrong face?"
The bartender goes: "Oh ****, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.
The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.
The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.
One patron takes a hoof to the face. He blacks out.
He wakes up in the hospital. Groggy from painkillers, he realizes his face is covered in bandages. The doctor informs him that it's been ruined beyond repair; he'll need a full face transplant.
Weeks on a waiting list turn into months, but in time, he can finally get the transplant. The surgery is successful, but he has years of healing ahead of him.
Years pass, and he makes a full recovery. He starts resuming life: returning to work, getting back out doors, socializing.
One day, he's walking around town and happens to come across that same bar where that awful accident happened years ago, nearly killing him, derailing his life. The damage from the horse had been fixed years ago, but he can see through the window that the same bartender still works there.
He walks into the bar.
The bartender asks: "Why the wrong face?"
I'm reading a couple of interesting books. Taming Wildcats by Claude Face and Over the Niagara in a Barrel by Will E. Makit.
And in another version the rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."
Who is your idol? A list, of scientifical facts, of who you wanna have passionate... with 
No cheating on this one!!!
1: Think of a number between 1- 9
2: Multiply the number by 3
3: Add another 3 to that number, and multiply by 3 (Its okay to use a calculator, if you're in doubt and start struggling)
Now you have a 2 digit number!
4: Example, 43 = 4 + 3 = 7
5: You can now see , with your number , who your idol is!
1: Channing Tatum
2: Ryan Gosling
3: Zac Efron
4: Bradley Cooper
5: David Beckham
6: Brad Pitt
7: Henry Cavill
8: Ryan Reynolds
9: Ole H
10: Orlando Bloom
No cheating on this one!!!
1: Think of a number between 1- 9
2: Multiply the number by 3
3: Add another 3 to that number, and multiply by 3 (Its okay to use a calculator, if you're in doubt and start struggling
)Now you have a 2 digit number!
4: Example, 43 = 4 + 3 = 7
5: You can now see , with your number , who your idol is!
1: Channing Tatum
2: Ryan Gosling
3: Zac Efron
4: Bradley Cooper
5: David Beckham
6: Brad Pitt
7: Henry Cavill
8: Ryan Reynolds
9: Ole H
10: Orlando Bloom
Rigged!! The game is rigged I tells ya
