You can't make yourself love somebody. Staying together for the sake of staying together is nonsence. Unless of course she's rich, or makes a lot of money. And don't waste any time wondering were it went wrong. It went that's all that counts. Good luck young man.
Well, I think I may be getting a divorce.
- Thread starter Fenris
- Start date
Why?
Get a divorce while you don't hate each other. It'll be cheaper and less painful. Sooner or later she'll begin to date if she hasn't already. I know it's tough decision but you've got to be tough and smart.
So much great advice here. I just finished surviving 7½ years of legal divorce wrangling. The marriage went south in the second year but, I mistakenly thought one should 'stick it out' hoping for a change. It was only wasted time. I grew up as an only child and spent most of my early professional career traveling alone, got married at 37, but had never experienced true loneliness until I found myself married to one who became an emotional stranger. The only thought I would offer to you is that you can always make more money, but you can never make more time.
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Bias Disclaimer: I am a bi-vocational church pastor. I have counseled with many couples struggling in their marriage. One thing I can tell you for sure is divorce won't fix anything. When each of you leave, you will be taking same person to the next relationship, that is yourselves. Most people go into marriage with the false belief that someone else can and will somehow meet all their emotional, spiritual and physical needs. When they realize that isn't possible, they are left with two choices. Either take corrective steps or run away. Running away is by far the easiest and most prevalent choice. Self sacrifice, submission and humility are much harder and almost no one chooses these, but no marriage can survive without them. My unpopular advice will always be keep the vows you made and keep your commitment. Do whatever it takes to win back your wife. I'm praying for you.
- Thread starter
- #46
Thanks gents, there is a lot to read in here, but I've read each and every post so far, and I appreciate all you have to say.
I won't get into the major, underlying problems we face, but as many of you have pointed out, financial problems can be (and are currently) placing additional strain on us. Most recently, it was one specific incident, or rather a rapid fire series of incidents pertaining to matters of a financial nature that had led to a blowout here at home. The money itself is not the problem, but it definitely re-ignites our other issues. I'm happy to say that at least for the time being, the most immediate of our financial woes has been at the very least, lessened. Help from family, making the right phone calls to the right people who want money, and rational thinking has seen to that.
My wife and I have a lot to think about, and we know that at the very least, since we really cannot survive at this point on our own, we need to work together to get through this. That could mean simply remaining cool through this rough spot to simply avoid killing each other before an inevitable divorce, or it could be that this adversity we are facing may actually bring us closer together.
I don't really know, but I can happily say that at this moment at least, we are still living under the same roof, and still talking, and not even through gritted teeth
it's amazing what a good night's sleep (well, sleep anyways) and some good-ish news will do.
Again, I don't know what this means in the long run, but for now at least, things are calm. Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say about the weekend.
Thanks again gentlemen. Your words, prayers and thought mean very much to me.
-Joel
I won't get into the major, underlying problems we face, but as many of you have pointed out, financial problems can be (and are currently) placing additional strain on us. Most recently, it was one specific incident, or rather a rapid fire series of incidents pertaining to matters of a financial nature that had led to a blowout here at home. The money itself is not the problem, but it definitely re-ignites our other issues. I'm happy to say that at least for the time being, the most immediate of our financial woes has been at the very least, lessened. Help from family, making the right phone calls to the right people who want money, and rational thinking has seen to that.
My wife and I have a lot to think about, and we know that at the very least, since we really cannot survive at this point on our own, we need to work together to get through this. That could mean simply remaining cool through this rough spot to simply avoid killing each other before an inevitable divorce, or it could be that this adversity we are facing may actually bring us closer together.
I don't really know, but I can happily say that at this moment at least, we are still living under the same roof, and still talking, and not even through gritted teeth
it's amazing what a good night's sleep (well, sleep anyways) and some good-ish news will do. Again, I don't know what this means in the long run, but for now at least, things are calm. Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say about the weekend.
Thanks again gentlemen. Your words, prayers and thought mean very much to me.
-Joel
Meh my parents stuck it out for 26 years. They eventually divorced. Both are remarried and super happy now. They even tolerate each other now at the grandkid's events (birthdays and whatnot) after a super messy divorce. They probably could have made it work, but I'm happier they split actually. Neither of them changed - they just found partners who were more compatible. And they are much happier now. Divorce sucks - but spending 26 years+ with someone you don't get along with is just silly.
Thanks gents, there is a lot to read in here, but I've read each and every post so far, and I appreciate all you have to say.
I won't get into the major, underlying problems we face, but as many of you have pointed out, financial problems can be (and are currently) placing additional strain on us. Most recently, it was one specific incident, or rather a rapid fire series of incidents pertaining to matters of a financial nature that had led to a blowout here at home. The money itself is not the problem, but it definitely re-ignites our other issues. I'm happy to say that at least for the time being, the most immediate of our financial woes has been at the very least, lessened. Help from family, making the right phone calls to the right people who want money, and rational thinking has seen to that.
My wife and I have a lot to think about, and we know that at the very least, since we really cannot survive at this point on our own, we need to work together to get through this. That could mean simply remaining cool through this rough spot to simply avoid killing each other before an inevitable divorce, or it could be that this adversity we are facing may actually bring us closer together.
I don't really know, but I can happily say that at this moment at least, we are still living under the same roof, and still talking, and not even through gritted teeth
Again, I don't know what this means in the long run, but for now at least, things are calm. Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say about the weekend.
Thanks again gentlemen. Your words, prayers and thought mean very much to me.
-Joel
Well Joel, without knowing all the details, I don't think I could formulate any practical advice. Rest assured though - you're in many of our hearts and minds. Be strong and good luck.
I agreee With Joel on this one. It is Close to impossible to give any valuable advice without the details of the problem(s). But my experience is that any one specific problem is only a problem for as long as you hold on to it.
Being married is about holding on. If your spouse drops her grip, there's nothing more to hold on to. I believe you have to ask eachother the questions: "Where do we go from here? Have any of us let go yet?". But most importantly those questions must be asked when you're both as calm as possible. All decisions made in anger are bad decisions.
Being married is about holding on. If your spouse drops her grip, there's nothing more to hold on to. I believe you have to ask eachother the questions: "Where do we go from here? Have any of us let go yet?". But most importantly those questions must be asked when you're both as calm as possible. All decisions made in anger are bad decisions.
Good luck with this, Joel!!
In the general terms you mentioned, it seems like your marriage has some baby and some bathwater in it ... now if you can just separate the two! (And I mean that in the "old saying" sense, not in case babies/children turns out to be one of your issues!!)
Lots of marriages go through problem times, and some fail and some survive. IMHO staying in a marriage you ought to get out of is as silly as bailing on a marriage that can be salvaged and made to work just fine ... and only you (and she and perhaps a marriage counsellor, close friend or confidant, pastor, &c) will know for sure what the answer is: not us.
All the best!
In the general terms you mentioned, it seems like your marriage has some baby and some bathwater in it ... now if you can just separate the two! (And I mean that in the "old saying" sense, not in case babies/children turns out to be one of your issues!!)
Lots of marriages go through problem times, and some fail and some survive. IMHO staying in a marriage you ought to get out of is as silly as bailing on a marriage that can be salvaged and made to work just fine ... and only you (and she and perhaps a marriage counsellor, close friend or confidant, pastor, &c) will know for sure what the answer is: not us.
All the best!
Good luck and best wishes.
There's a lot of wisdom in what you said, however, I think both parties have to have that attitude. If one doesn't (and never will) then it may be better to move on.
Fenris,
It's a case-by-case basis, and I don't want to pretend like I know what's right for your situation. All I'll say is never make a life-changing decision when your blood is up (aka when you're mad). Always give yourself several good nights of sleep, and really weigh everything before you do.
Hope it works out. Will be praying for you.
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Sadly I have been there and done that or rather she did, this stuff really hurts, believe me, if you want to talk or vent, please PM me and I will give you my cel #, talking does help!
Continuing to think of you. Blessings and light to you both.
It's tough because none of us here know what your relationship is like. From your initial post it sounds like you married your best friend which is really the key to a happy marriage, so in that regard I'd tell you to stick it out. I feel from you original post that you do want to work it out. But then again it sounds like there's more involved than that as well. Like some financial issues you mentioned. I also don't know what stage in your life you are in. I'm guessing but I'd assume that maybe you're younger (maybe in your 20's) because of the playing video games reference and being fairly new to marriage, but I could be totally off on that as well.
You will get advice from people here who have been in different situations and have many different life experiences but only you will know what is right in your particular circumstance.
I can tell you that I dated my wife for ten years and have been married for another twenty after that. For the first ten years or so money was extremely tight. I don't know how we lived on what we did and still survived. I worked three jobs (one full time and two part time) while going to college to try and better myself and make a better life for my family. We had a small daughter at the time as well which made this even more difficult. It wasn't easy and we struggled a whole lot financially which definitely effected our relationship, but now I look back on those difficult times and have only fond memories.
The financial struggles are expected and will definitely make you a better person. You're not supposed to have all the things your parents have as it took them many years to acquire all of that, to save some money, and to get their income to the level it is. You do have to both be on the same page and have the same goals for it to work. You get there through communication and effort.
If one of you has a money problem, like for instance gambling, then the other needs to take control of all of the finances and maybe give the other a weekly allowance to protect them from them self and keep the relationship on track until things get better. Take away the credit cards, etc, whatever it takes. It's easier said than done but that's where the communication comes in. Talk about your goals and where you want to be. Marriage is all about communication. Anyone who is in a truly happy relationship for any length of time knows this. You always have to be talking about things that bother you and never let anything build up until you just end up hating each other.
My Wife and I don't always agree, we still argue on occasion and end up mad at one another until we end up talking it out. It's ups and downs and sometimes it's just not easy, but I wouldn't want to share my life with anyone else. You don't marry the person you think you can live with, you marry the person you know you can't live without.
I fear that the problem in today's society is that everything is disposable. If something doesn't work we just throw it out and get a new one. It's easier to just replace something than it is to fix it. Unfortunately, this is becoming the norm for marriages as well. Sure some people were in unhappy marriages when divorce wasn't as universally accepted but it also forced some people to work out issues and find happiness that they may have walked away from in today's society.
I do think that marriages these days fail for a lot of reasons but I find that a lot of guys on their second marriage have learned from the mistakes of their first. Both of my parents are on their second marriage because they stopped communicating and one of them wasn't willing to put the effort in to get it back.
I don't judge anybody and have no idea what your relationship is like or anyone else's here for that matter. If someone is happy in their first, second, or fifth marriage then I'm happy for them.
You saw something in this girl at one point that you liked enough to marry her. So maybe you can get that back again with some effort from both of you. Just please do make sure that you have put every effort into your marriage before walking away from it. I get that some people just marry the wrong person but I'm not sure that's the case in your situation. You will go through struggles in this relationship, and any you are in after it, so eventually you'll have to put the effort in.
People in the past have told me "You're lucky you found the right person" but honestly that's all crap. You don't just find the right person and everything is magically perfect forever. You have to work to get any relationship right, be it this one or the next.
I know that not all marriages are going to be sustainable so if you've talked for hours on many, many occasions, gotten counseling and done everything humanly possible and still can't find any love and happiness with this person then do the best you can to make the split as painless as possible for one another and move on knowing that you did all that you could. Only you will know when you've done enough.
Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for and I wish you the best.
You will get advice from people here who have been in different situations and have many different life experiences but only you will know what is right in your particular circumstance.
I can tell you that I dated my wife for ten years and have been married for another twenty after that. For the first ten years or so money was extremely tight. I don't know how we lived on what we did and still survived. I worked three jobs (one full time and two part time) while going to college to try and better myself and make a better life for my family. We had a small daughter at the time as well which made this even more difficult. It wasn't easy and we struggled a whole lot financially which definitely effected our relationship, but now I look back on those difficult times and have only fond memories.
The financial struggles are expected and will definitely make you a better person. You're not supposed to have all the things your parents have as it took them many years to acquire all of that, to save some money, and to get their income to the level it is. You do have to both be on the same page and have the same goals for it to work. You get there through communication and effort.
If one of you has a money problem, like for instance gambling, then the other needs to take control of all of the finances and maybe give the other a weekly allowance to protect them from them self and keep the relationship on track until things get better. Take away the credit cards, etc, whatever it takes. It's easier said than done but that's where the communication comes in. Talk about your goals and where you want to be. Marriage is all about communication. Anyone who is in a truly happy relationship for any length of time knows this. You always have to be talking about things that bother you and never let anything build up until you just end up hating each other.
My Wife and I don't always agree, we still argue on occasion and end up mad at one another until we end up talking it out. It's ups and downs and sometimes it's just not easy, but I wouldn't want to share my life with anyone else. You don't marry the person you think you can live with, you marry the person you know you can't live without.
I fear that the problem in today's society is that everything is disposable. If something doesn't work we just throw it out and get a new one. It's easier to just replace something than it is to fix it. Unfortunately, this is becoming the norm for marriages as well. Sure some people were in unhappy marriages when divorce wasn't as universally accepted but it also forced some people to work out issues and find happiness that they may have walked away from in today's society.
I do think that marriages these days fail for a lot of reasons but I find that a lot of guys on their second marriage have learned from the mistakes of their first. Both of my parents are on their second marriage because they stopped communicating and one of them wasn't willing to put the effort in to get it back.
I don't judge anybody and have no idea what your relationship is like or anyone else's here for that matter. If someone is happy in their first, second, or fifth marriage then I'm happy for them.
You saw something in this girl at one point that you liked enough to marry her. So maybe you can get that back again with some effort from both of you. Just please do make sure that you have put every effort into your marriage before walking away from it. I get that some people just marry the wrong person but I'm not sure that's the case in your situation. You will go through struggles in this relationship, and any you are in after it, so eventually you'll have to put the effort in.
People in the past have told me "You're lucky you found the right person" but honestly that's all crap. You don't just find the right person and everything is magically perfect forever. You have to work to get any relationship right, be it this one or the next.
I know that not all marriages are going to be sustainable so if you've talked for hours on many, many occasions, gotten counseling and done everything humanly possible and still can't find any love and happiness with this person then do the best you can to make the split as painless as possible for one another and move on knowing that you did all that you could. Only you will know when you've done enough.
Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for and I wish you the best.
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Go to your local bookstore and get The Five Love Languages. I can't remember who wrote it, but they'll have it. I can't recommend this book enough. It's a very popular book for good reason. It breaks down the mechanics of love very simply and there's a test that shows you which things you deem important, and also what she deems important. You'll probably be extremely surprised to learn what she feels values the most. I think it's a common assumption that men and women believe what they value is also what they're spouse values, and this book shows that's not always the case. If she won't read it, you read it and make sure she sees you reading it. In the end, both of you made a vow. If you try everything you can and she won't, you can at least walk away knowing you pulled out all stops to keep it working.
+1. I'd ever share my views on marriage with my parents because it would certainly annoy and upset my father and I'd sooner just not say it to my mother but I've always believed that marriage should be unbreakable and unshakeable. Just my own personal view on marriage as a whole.
