Taking away Grandpa's car keys - any advice?

[Captain Pre-Capsize]

Well he is a tough nut, very stubborn - VERY - and strong willed to boot. It is almost as if he knows that giving up the car keys means the next step is the nursing home which is not the case. Was in The War, almost 88 years old, current license is good for almost another year.

We drove up to visit a week ago and all went to a community BBQ. People came up to me when they heard I was family and said, "You HAVE to get his car keys away from him. We see him driving though town going 20 mph in a 35; driving three times around the parking lot trying to find the exit; can't find where he parked the car and it is twenty feet away from him - something is going to HAPPEN!"

Any ideas? Taking into consideration that he flatly refuses to allow anyone to even drive him somewhere - will NOT relinquish the keys.

 

[cb91710]

Any friends with the local police department who can "ticket" him and inform him that his license is revoked?

Or is he too sharp for that and will go straight to the DMV to replace it... and will he be able to renew if he does?

 

[Jim]

In many states a doctor can send a letter of unfitness to the DMV and they will revoke. Good luck with this, its a tough one.

 

[Paris]

A difficult time for all. Went through it with my mother. Told her that it is better to give up driving a year early than 5 minutes too late.

 

[nrv216]

Any young grandkids around? That is how we got Papa to stop smoking cigarettes after his heart attack. The youngest cutest grandson asked him to and he did it. Just a thought.

nrv216

 

[malocchio]

I'm going through this now with my 83 year old father...He has dementia and is drifting into alzheimers.He will not stop driving and his memory is fading fast...Here in calif. a doctor can inform the dmv,and the license will be revoked,but now my father refuses to go back to the doctor ,knowing this....A tough battle....

 

[bmathe02]

I knew a family who removed some spark plugs. The elderly guy did not know what was wrong nor did he want the hassle to fix or buy new car.

 

[Legion]

My grandfather drove up until his death at 99 years of age (no, he didn't die in a car accident).

He was in a retirement home, and he was the only one in his group who had a car, so he used to drive the other old blokes around the place. It always made me nervous to think about it, but to his credit, he never had a crash. I can't say the same. It is a tricky one, because you will be taking away his independence in a lot of ways. But if he is a danger... That is what you need to work out.

 

[stuart12dz]

Went through the same thing with my Dad last year at this time. He had just turned 88 and his driving left a lot to be desired. Since I am the eldest of three siblings, I was given the task of telling him that he had to stop driving. We had a family dinner one night and as we were sitting around the table after dinner I brought up the subject.

I said to him, "Dad, you cannot drive anymore. Your reflexes have slowed to the point where if a ball rolled into the street in front of you and there was a child chasing it, you'd never hit the brakes in time. Is that what it's going to take for you to stop driving"? He started crying, I started crying.......it was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Three days later he gave his car to a family member who was in need of reliable transportation.

 

[leonidas]

......if you take the keys away, is there a plan to drive him where he wants when he wants?

...........if you take away his 'freedom' and mobility, there has to be a good plan to get him around to do things...

..... i would hate to think that he would be stuck at home until someone feels it is time to take grandfather out.....

 

[Kentos]

I feel for you and the tough dilemma you are faced with. Maybe take a ride with him so you can give him first hand examples of the unsafe driving, instead of relying on info gleaned from others.
GL

 

[rassage]

a car is like a persons livelihood. it is a very sad time. of course regardless of age if a person cannot handle a vehicle it must be taken away. as sad as it is. having an accident is a lot more sad.

 

[Captain Pre-Capsize]

......if you take the keys away, is there a plan to drive him where he wants when he wants?

...........if you take away his 'freedom' and mobility, there has to be a good plan to get him around to do things...

..... i would hate to think that he would be stuck at home until someone feels it is time to take grandfather out.....

Yes, actually a relative lives in town and is for the most part willing to shuttle him around. We have talked with Grandpa about this already and he will have nothing to do with it. In fact, this relative often rides with him out of concern and tells me he always has his left hand ready to grab the wheel but that Grandpa errs on the side of going slow.

I rode with Grandpa following the BBQ and as I got into the car my wife brought both hands to her cheeks and looked at me wide-eyed in sincere concern. We drove to his home two miles away doing 20 miles UNDER the speed limit with him pumping the brakes incessantly when making a turn, "So the guy behind will know I am turning."

 

[Commander Quan]

In many states a doctor can send a letter of unfitness to the DMV and they will revoke. Good luck with this, its a tough one.

This. My wife work for a group of optometrists and had to do this for obvious reasons.

 

[Slash McCoy]

How about a golf cart to tool around the neighborhood in? He won't want to take it out on busy major arteries and in fact would probably get a ticket for that. You got to leave him something. It will spare his dignity and keep him active, too. This really is a tough call but you have to consider it from both ways and try to minimize the negative impact. No pun intended.

But since his driving ability is in doubt, how about your own? Are you driving as safely as you could be? We all think we are great drivers but often, others see it differently. Maybe his driving isn't all that bad yet, after all. Are you being too critical, out of suspicion because of his age? Be very sure about this, and don't be a hypocrite.

I have a neighbor who had your problem. She lived in the Quarter but she also had a weekend house out in the Parish, and her Grandmother lived three doors down. I don';t know how old she was but she was pretty old and apparently had mild Parkinson's, too, and was obviously becoming unfit to drive. My neighbor's neo-hippie goth/punk orange-haired son was dumpster diving and brought home a kid size store mannequin. She saw it and got an idea. She dressed it up and set it on one of those Big Wheel things that her youngest kid had outgrown, parked her car on the street next to her driveway and tied a string to the Big Wheel, which was in the driveway and hidden by her parked car. She took up station across the street, string in hand, behind another parked car when she knew her Grandmother was fixing to take a drive. You can guess what this is all about. She pulls on the string just as her Grandmother is passing, who creams the poor mannequin at 5MPH, finally coming to a screeching halt about 20 yards down the street. No more arguing. Grandma handed over the keys. She was so relieved that it wasn't a real kid that she ran over, that she tried to give up her drivers license too. My neighbor insisted she keep it, "just in case of emergency". A little dignity saver. Neighbor's dumpster-diving son was given the keys, and Grandma gave him the old Cadillac, both on condition that he always be available to drive Grandma wherever she wanted to go during reasonable after school/work hours. Everybody was a winner except the poor mannequin and the Big Wheel. Kid gets a car to drive, a very cool super retro practically mint (except for Big Wheel marks on the grille) '76 Eldorado. Granny gets a chauffeur at her beck and call. Neighbor sleeps a little better at night, knowing that her boy is terrified that he might scratch up his big old Caddy and that Grandma is no longer behind the wheel of that deadly tank. Insurance company is ecstatic at the premiums it can charge for a 17yo with pierced eyebrows driving a 36 year old car in Louisiana with a 500 cubic inch engine under the hood. The price of oil probably even took an up-tick since this was not exactly an economy car with that big honkin V8 under the hood. Everybody got something. Gosh I feel so good relating this story. Wish I could have a beer to toast the outcome but there is none to be had in Kuwait.

 

[Matt555]

But since his driving ability is in doubt, how about your own? Are you driving as safely as you could be? We all think we are great drivers but often, others see it differently. Maybe his driving isn't all that bad yet, after all. Are you being too critical, out of suspicion because of his age? Be very sure about this, and don't be a hypocrite.

Really? When an 88 year old man is obviously no longer fit to drive the proper thing to do is reflect on our own driving skills? Are you being serious?

To the OP......you are making the right decision. It does not matter what he thinks, as harsh as that may sound. A reckless or impaired driver puts others at risk. Plain and simple. Taking the keys after he hurts or kills someone, or even has a minor accident for that matter is too late.

 

[Slash McCoy]

Really? When an 88 year old man is obviously no longer fit to drive the proper thing to do is reflect on our own driving skills? Are you being serious?

Of course. We should ALL, ALWAYS be reflecting on our own driving skills, particularly on the attention that we devote to our driving. Do you turn your cell phone OFF when you drive? I do now. Do you have a GPS blocking the corner of your windshield? After a near miss, I don't, any more. Do you engage in conversation while driving? Twist the dial on your radio? Let billboards catch your eye? Continue driving after feeling your eyelids get heavy and say just 40 miles to go, I can make it? Drive with dirty or fogged mirrors or rear windows? Drink "just" 4 or 5 beers and then drive yourself home? Cut unneccesarily through neighborhood shortcuts instead of stay on major arteries? Drive with stuff tied to the top of your car that is not prpoerly secured, or stuff laying loose in the bed of a pickup? Look only in the direction from which traffic should come, when crossing a one way street at an intersection? Drive in someone's blind spot? Go just a little over the speed limit because just a little over is okay? Fail to consider the possibility that the other guy might run that stop sign or red light? Get angry at another driver for cutting you off? Speed up to get through a yellow light? Fail to check your brake and turn signal lights before driving at night? BTW most of these potential errors are committed by younger, not older drivers. Just sayin.

To the OP......you are making the right decision. It does not matter what he thinks, as harsh as that may sound. A reckless or impaired driver puts others at risk. Plain and simple. Taking the keys after he hurts or kills someone, or even has a minor accident for that matter is too late.

Yes, maybe he is. Judgement call. Maybe he isn't. Either way it is the family that must decide, and it is NOT always an easy or obvious decision, nor one that can be realistically critiqued online, I am thinking.

 

[Matt555]

Of course. We should ALL, ALWAYS be reflecting on our own driving skills, particularly on the attention that we devote to our driving. Do you turn your cell phone OFF when you drive? I do now. Do you have a GPS blocking the corner of your windshield? After a near miss, I don't, any more. Do you engage in conversation while driving? Twist the dial on your radio? Let billboards catch your eye? Continue driving after feeling your eyelids get heavy and say just 40 miles to go, I can make it? Drive with dirty or fogged mirrors or rear windows? Drink "just" 4 or 5 beers and then drive yourself home? Cut unneccesarily through neighborhood shortcuts instead of stay on major arteries? Drive with stuff tied to the top of your car that is not prpoerly secured, or stuff laying loose in the bed of a pickup? Look only in the direction from which traffic should come, when crossing a one way street at an intersection? Drive in someone's blind spot? Go just a little over the speed limit because just a little over is okay? Fail to consider the possibility that the other guy might run that stop sign or red light? Get angry at another driver for cutting you off? Speed up to get through a yellow light? Fail to check your brake and turn signal lights before driving at night? BTW most of these potential errors are committed by younger, not older drivers. Just sayin.


Yes, maybe he is. Judgement call. Maybe he isn't. Either way it is the family that must decide, and it is NOT always an easy or obvious decision, nor one that can be realistically critiqued online, I am thinking.

And how in the world does this address the situation concerning his 88 year old Grandpa? Of course everyone should try to be the best/safest driver they can. But this has absolutely nothing to with with an 88 year old man who sounds like he might not be capable of safely driving anymore. This response is so silly and detached from the issue the OP raised I am seriously at a loss for words.

Of course it can be realistically critiqued. Call me crazy, but when someone tells me an elderly family member cannot find his car when it is 20 feet from him, can not figure out how to exit a parking lot, and cannot follow speed limits..........yeah, that is all I need to know. If it was a teenage driver with these problems, any half sane parent would take the keys. I am scared to death to know what your criteria is for confiscating keys to motor vehicles.

 

[COHunter]

Sounds like grandpa is an old school straight shooter that doesn't want to take any guff. Don't give him any. Just be brutally honest with the man. Give him the respect and credit he is due and tell him the truth. He's earned that. Don't dance around it and try to be crafty or give a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Tell him his driving days are over and take the keys. He'll probably be mad as hell but he'll also probably respect the cold hard truth more.

 

[T-Box215]

Definitely a tough situation, sadly, but luckily when my grandfather was to this point his Alzheimer's was bad enough that we just took the battery out of the car. Even though he was a mechanic he couldn't figure out why it wouldn't start. Sad, but true.