shaving in poetry - do you know of any?

[chilliman64]

I know there are topics on these boards about shaving in movies but I'm not sure if there are many poems about shaving - well here's one. it's a famous Australian poem by a bush poet called Banjo Paterson, it's called The Man From Ironbark. essentially it tells the tale of a country fella who travels to the big smoke. a larrikin barber decides to play a trick on him and pretends to cut his throat with the back of a straight razor while shaving him, it's worth a read. it would have been hilarious back in the day.

note: a 'peeler man' is a policeman. if you need any Aussie slang interpreted let know.


THE MAN FROM IRONBARK - first published in The Bulletin 17th December 1892
by Andrew Barton 'Banjo' Paterson (1864-1941)

It was the man from Ironbark who struck the Sydney town,
He wandered over street and park, he wandered up and down.
He loitered here he loitered there, till he was like to drop,
Until at last in sheer despair he sought a barber's shop.
"Ere! shave my beard and whiskers off, I'll be a man of mark,
I'll go and do the Sydney toff up home in Ironbark."
The barber man was small and flash, as barbers mostly are,
He wore a strike-your-fancy sash he smoked a huge cigar;
He was a humorist of note and keen at repartee,
He laid the odds and kept a "tote", whatever that may be,
And when he saw our friend arrive, he whispered, "Here's a lark!
Just watch me catch him all alive, this man from Ironbark."

There were some gilded youths that sat along the barber's wall.
Their eyes were dull, their heads were flat, they had no brains at all;
To them the barber passed the wink his dexter eyelid shut,
"I'll make this bloomin' yokel think his bloomin' throat is cut."
And as he soaped and rubbed it in he made a rude remark:
"I s'pose the flats is pretty green up there in Ironbark."

A grunt was all reply he got; he shaved the bushman's chin,
Then made the water boiling hot and dipped the razor in.
He raised his hand, his brow grew black, he paused awhile to gloat,
Then slashed the red-hot razor-back across his victim's throat;
Upon the newly-shaven skin it made a livid mark
No doubt, it fairly took him in — the man from Ironbark.

He fetched a wild up-country yell might wake the dead to hear,
And though his throat, he knew full well, was cut from ear to ear,
He struggled gamely to his feet, and faced the murd'rous foe:
"You've done for me! you dog, I'm beat! One hit before I go!
I only wish I had a knife, you blessed murdering shark!
But you'll remember all your life the man from Ironbark."

He lifted up his hairy paw, with one tremendous clout
He landed on the barber's jaw, and knocked the barber out.
He set to work with nail and tooth, he made the place a wreck;
He grabbed the nearest gilded youth, and tried to break his neck.
And all the while his throat he held to save his vital spark,
And "Murder! Bloody murder!" yelled the man from Ironbark.

A peeler man who heard the din came in to see the show;
He tried to run the bushman in, but he refused to go.
And when at last the barber spoke, and said "'Twas all in fun'
T’was just a little harmless joke, a trifle overdone."
"A joke!" he cried, "By George, that's fine; a lively sort of lark;
I'd like to catch that murdering swine some night in Ironbark."

And now while round the shearing floor the list'ning shearers gape,
He tells the story o'er and o'er, and brags of his escape.
"Them barber chaps what keeps a tote, By George, I've had enough,
One tried to cut my bloomin' throat, but thank the Lord it's tough."
And whether he's believed or no, there's one thing to remark,
That flowing beards are all the go way up in Ironbark.

 

[Shutterbug57]

Here is one:

Shaving in the Dark - William J Poppen

Metal softly clinks on ceramic.
Fingers joggle embossed grip,
elevate blades toward moistened hide.


Darkness covers the corner
opposite antique coaster bed
disheveled by fitful sleepers.


Her hair, twirled into tangles
flows on the pillow, nasal noises
cover the music of his movements.


Any light might arouse her,
awakening her to revive
last night's squabble.


Their endless feud
over contentions long forgotten
encircles their days.


Blades glide over chin and cheeks.
Shaving quietly in darkness
avoids anger in the morning.


And then of course there are the Burma Shave poems.

 

[franz]

I figured Ogden Nash would have something to say on this subject. Didn't disappoint.


AND THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX IN LEAP YEAR
Published in The New Yorker, 8/29/1942

Some people shave before bathing.
And about people who bathe before shaving they are scathing.
While those who bathe before shaving,
Well, they imply that those who shave before bathing are misbehaving.
Suppose you shave before bathing, well the advantage is that you don’t
have to make a special job of washing the lather afterwards, it
just floats off with the rest of your accumulations in the tub.
But the disadvantage is that before bathing your skin is hard and dry
and your beard confronts the razor like a grizzly bear defending its cub.
Well then, suppose you bathe before shaving, well the advantage is that
after bathing your skin is soft and moist and your beard positively
begs for the blade.
But the disadvantage is that to get the lather off you have to wash your
face all over again at the basin almost immediately after washing
in the tub, which is a duplication of effort that leaves me spotless
but dismayed.
The referee reports, gentlemen, that Fate has loaded the dice,
Since your only choice is between walking around all day with a sore
chin or washing your face twice.
So I will now go and get a shave from a smug man in a crisp white coat,
And I will disrupt his smugness by asking him about his private life, does
he bathe before shaving or shave before bathing, and then I will die
either of laughing or of a clean cut throat.


For the record, I'm a shave before bathing kind of guy.

 

[jzuzphreek]

Wow! They were having this argument even way back then?!

 

[Shutterbug57]

Here is another one - its about shaving and its about life.

Daddy's Little Girl

© Christie C. Adams
Waiting patiently to enter the bathroom.
The doorknob at my eye level...finally unlocks.
Daddy lets me in...knowing...I don't need to be in there.
I just want to be in there, with HIM.
He wipes the misty mirror to see.
His Daddy smell is all in the steam,
from his soap on a rope that we got him for Christmas.
I watch in silent anticipation.
He shaves, then rinses the last of the fluffy white cream from his face.
He picks up the bottle from the shelf (the one with the ship on it)
that came with the soap on a rope that we got him for Christmas.
He splashes the aftershave with slaps and taps all over his face.
He leans down for me to inspect and I place an approving kiss on it.
Old Spice, nothing smells like it.
Now, I’m grown and alone, in the store, shopping for Christmas.
I get a whiff, from an old man standing by.
I want to cry and I want to buy some soap on a rope,
with the bottle with the ship on it.
I want my Daddy back alive.
I want to, again to be that size.
The little girl, eye level to the doorknob.
I take a moment.
Just one more sniff.
So I can walk away with my memories of,
Daddy's smell and Daddy's Little Girl!



Source: Watching Daddy Shave, Daddy's Little Girl, Father and Child Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/watching-daddy-shave#ixzz2NXz2vjp7
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

 

[Shutterbug57]

Here is one for the girls - and it is quite funny.

Unwanted Hair

When we're born our small bodies are perfect
Whether our skin's dark or fair
It's only much later we get in a state
When our follicles start growing hair

On your head well you probably have some
and over that you have some control
You can cut it or wave it, perm it or shave it
without too much fuss on the whole

But hair is a fast growing substance
be it blond be it black grey or red
be it natural or styled but what drives me wild
is it doesn't just grow on your head

When you're thirteen you're desperate to have some
To show you got puberty right
so you check every hour, in the bath, in the shower
and in bed with a torch late at night

By your twenties it's started to bore you
shaving your legs takes such time
you cut and you hack but the stuff still grows back
and the worst is the bikini line

It grows back like a beard if you shave it
so you make an appointment for waxing
If you've never before had your skin peeled 'til raw
you might find this experience taxing

You are in the hands of a sadist
as you lie on your back on the bed
she's rough and she's careless the result will be hairless
and swollen and sore and bright red

Out you limp looking like a plucked chicken
glancing under your arms as you're dressing
suppressing a scream you decide to buy cream
coz the waxing thing's just too depressing

Later in life it's not better
Just when you're getting a grip
When you're looking your best it sprouts from your chest
down your nostrils and it coats your top lip

Well you've tried everything on the market
but enough is enough so it's said
so to save all the mess you start to cross dress
buy a trilby and you call yourself Fred

Copyright; Liz Garrad
Web Site: http://www.laughterlines.net

 

[Shutterbug57]

Here is a shorty. If you have had a beard and removed it, it may ring a bell.

Upon Shaving Off One's Beard

John Updike
The scissors cut the long-grown hair;
The razor scrapes the remnant fuzz,
small-jawed, weak-chinned, big-eyed, I stare
At the forgotten boy I was.

 

[Shutterbug57]

Y, una mas

Santa's Beard

He wasn't too good with a razor and every time he would try Kris Kringle would cut himself shaving, so badly it caused him to cry. The townspeople laughed when they saw him with cut marks all over his face. He felt so embarrassed and foolish he'd lower his head in disgrace. So one day he threw out his razor, and all of the townspeople cheered! No longer would Santa be shaving. Instead he was growing a beard! But though he has given up shaving and grown out a beard white and thick, most folks still remember those cut marks and that's why they call him "Saint Nick." --Kenn Nesbitt

 

[jzuzphreek]

Here is another one - its about shaving and its about life.

Daddy's Little Girl

© Christie C. Adams

Ok that's not fair! You should have prefaced with a "tear jerker" alert. I don't even have a daughter, and my son is only 3! And all my parents are still alive!

 

[Shutterbug57]

Here is one that is kind of fitting for the time of year it now is.

Winter's Shave
Lynn Brown

Old man winter should shave his face,

Which is white with the season's growth,

But he howls very loudly whenever the blade,

Cuts too closely to his icey throat.

He blows so fiercely, the barber shivers,

And scarcely finds a reason,

To make a fine and shaven face,

That's ready for a new season.

Spring must come and you must sit,

And let the barber shave,

Away the frosty winter air,

To springtime you must waive.

 

[mblakele]

Are lyrics fair game? And head shaving?

http://lyrics.wikia.com/Shirley_Manson:Samson_And_Delilah

Delilah was a woman, she was fine and fair
She had good looks and coal black hair
Delilah, she gained old Samson's mind
When he saw this woman and she looked so fine
Delilah, she climbed up on Samson's knee
Said tell me where your strength lies, if you please
Then she spoke so kind and she talked so fair
Till Samson said, Delilah, Cut off my hair
You can shave my head, clean as my hand
And my strength becomes as natural as any man.

 

[ChiefBroom]

The Owl-Critic by James Thomas Fields

"Who stuffed that white owl?"
No one spoke in the shop,
The barber was busy, and he couldn't stop;
The customers, waiting their turns, were all reading
The "Daily," the "Herald," the "Post," little heeding
The young man who blurted out such a blunt question;
Not one raised a head, or even made a suggestion;
And the barber kept on shaving.

"Don't you see, Mr. Brown,"
Cried the youth, with a frown,
"How wrong the whole thing is,
How preposterous each wing is,
How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is --
In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 't is!
I make no apology;
I've learned owl-eology.

I've passed days and nights in a hundred collections,
And cannot be blinded to any deflections
Arising from unskilful fingers that fail
To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail.
Mister Brown! Mr. Brown!
Do take that bird down,
Or you'll soon be the laughingstock all over town!"
And the barber kept on shaving.

"I've studied owls,
And other night-fowls,
And I tell you
What I know to be true;
An owl cannot roost
With his limbs so unloosed;
No owl in this world
Ever had his claws curled,
Ever had his legs slanted,
Ever had his bill canted,
Ever had his neck screwed
Into that attitude.
He cant do it, because
'Tis against all bird-laws.

Anatomy teaches,
Ornithology preaches,
An owl has a toe
That can't turn out so!
I've made the white owl my study for years,
And to see such a job almost moves me to tears!
Mr. Brown, I'm amazed
You should be so gone crazed
As to put up a bird
In that posture absurd!
To look at that owl really brings on a dizziness;
The man who stuffed him don't half know his business!"
And the barber kept shaving.

"Examine those eyes
I'm filled with surprise
Taxidermists should pass
Off on you such poor glass;
So unnatural they seem
They'd make Audubon scream,
And John Burroughs laugh
To encounter such chaff.
Do take that bird down;
Have him stuffed again, Brown!"
And the barber kept on shaving!

"With some sawdust and bark
I could stuff in the dark
An owl better than that.
I could make an old hat
Look more like an owl
Than that horrid fowl,
Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coarse leather.
In fact, about him there's not one natural feather."

Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch,
The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch,
Walked around, and regarded his fault-finding critic
(Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance analytic,
And then fairly hooted, as if he should say:
"Your learning's at fault this time, anyway:
Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray.
I'm an owl; you're another. Sir Critic, good day!"
And the barber kept on shaving.

 

[Paludatus]

Wow, these are amazing! Thanks a lot!
Especially "Upon Shaving Off One's Beard" definitely rings a bell