So I have been broken up with my ex for almost 3 years now and I have even been with my current girlfriend for around that time but I just can't seem to get my mind off my ex. I just recently found out that she is with someone and it looks like it may be for the long haul and it is really bugging me.......I keep thinking that it may just mean that my current girlfriend just doesn't do it for me but it seems to me that it always come to that point after a few years even with that ex that I am now losing sleep over........Any advice would be appreciated.......I truly am thankful for the great people on this site..........I am 27 years old and I am in school full time in a DPT(doctorate in Physical Therapy) program at NSU..........just so you understand where I am in my life.......
"Not Quite Over it!"
- Thread starter waitasecun
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No advice for you, but I know what it's like.
I think some people have that one person they just never get over. Like Titanic.
Sorry that wasn't much help.
I think some people have that one person they just never get over. Like Titanic.
Sorry that wasn't much help.
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- #3
No advice for you, but I know what it's like.
I think some people have that one person they just never get over. Like Titanic.
Sorry that wasn't much help.
That's ok. It is good to know I am not the only one.....
I, and many many others have been in your shoes when it comes to getting over someone they dated. The best advice I can give you is to be happy that shes with someone who she truly loves. No, I'm not trying to say that you didn't 'love' her and vice versa, but be happy that she's happy. One of my ex's who I was with for two years just got engaged 2 weeks back.
As I sit here and type this I can truly say that I am happy for her, because we we're in love, and seeing her happy was the greatest feeling. Even if it means that she is with someone else and is getting married. Personally, I think the reason you feel the way you do about your current girlfriend is because you are too caught up with what your ex is doing, and who she's with. Losing sleep over someone is never a good thing, especially someone who you haven't been with in 3 years. Live life to the fullest and always smile, don't let things that are out of your control get you down. You're doing good and have your whole life to look forward to.
People come and go, but theirs a reason people from your past didn't make it to your future.
Good Luck.
As I sit here and type this I can truly say that I am happy for her, because we we're in love, and seeing her happy was the greatest feeling. Even if it means that she is with someone else and is getting married. Personally, I think the reason you feel the way you do about your current girlfriend is because you are too caught up with what your ex is doing, and who she's with. Losing sleep over someone is never a good thing, especially someone who you haven't been with in 3 years. Live life to the fullest and always smile, don't let things that are out of your control get you down. You're doing good and have your whole life to look forward to.
People come and go, but theirs a reason people from your past didn't make it to your future.
Good Luck.
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- #5
I appreciate you taking the time to tell me about your current situation and how it pertains to mine. I do want her to be happy but I guess I am not in that stage where I can accept that she can be happy without me.....Oh well.......You know, it's funny. My current girlfriend's mother just left her significant other(not married though) whom she was with for 10 years......that's a damn long time.........I find it odd that she is breaking a relationship and my ex whom I am still not over is starting one......Either way, her and I are in similar boats when it comes to our emotions. I try to be there for her as much as I can without letting her know why I am relating so well to her situation especially since she is the mother of my girlfriend lol! As always, your responses are highly appreciated! This is turning out to be quite the cathartic experience........
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- #6
on another note, I am very happy that you are happy for her.....that means that you are your ex which is more than I can say for myself.....
You haven't told us the circumstances of your breaking up with your ex, the nature of that relationship, the length of the relationship, whether she was your first 'serious' relationship. These, and a number of other things I suspect, will explain why this lady is so much "under your skin".
I agree with Rebelson's comment, 'there's a reason why people from your past didn't make it to your future'. My view is that an ex is an ex for a reason: you seem to be remembering this ex through rose tinted spectacles. Maybe you could look for the reason the relationship ended, accept that the relationship wasn't meant to be because either you or her couldn't get beyond whatever it was that caused the break up and you'll be able to regard the whole thing good and bad as part of life's roller coaster. You could then focus on the lady now in your life rather than dwelling on the past.
I agree with Rebelson's comment, 'there's a reason why people from your past didn't make it to your future'. My view is that an ex is an ex for a reason: you seem to be remembering this ex through rose tinted spectacles. Maybe you could look for the reason the relationship ended, accept that the relationship wasn't meant to be because either you or her couldn't get beyond whatever it was that caused the break up and you'll be able to regard the whole thing good and bad as part of life's roller coaster. You could then focus on the lady now in your life rather than dwelling on the past.
I went through something similar at your age. That was a long, long time ago.
None of the wonderful and not-so-wonderful things that have occurred in my life since then would have happened if I had stayed in that relationship. Life takes different paths sometimes, and we can't control it. But I never get tired of looking forward to what's going to happen next.
I was thinking of a similar post as yours this morning. About 4 months ago, a 2 year relationship ended and I thought I was over it, but I'm not and I really miss her. I've gone out on a few dates, but I just can't get past missing her and each time I go out, I'm reminded of her. I'm actually going to stop dating for awhile.
There are milestones to pass in ex relationships. Seeing them find someone else and taking a step to make that relationship permanent is one of them, a painful one. You don't have to be happy for her, just don't feel bitter. Take some time and grieve.
I know you maybe don't want to hear this, but you mentioned the current girlfriend and that you two had been together for about that same time. Did you get into this relationship before you were ready? I mention it because rebounds are common.
There are milestones to pass in ex relationships. Seeing them find someone else and taking a step to make that relationship permanent is one of them, a painful one. You don't have to be happy for her, just don't feel bitter. Take some time and grieve.
I know you maybe don't want to hear this, but you mentioned the current girlfriend and that you two had been together for about that same time. Did you get into this relationship before you were ready? I mention it because rebounds are common.
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If you were the one to break up with her, try to remember why you did that. You already have a nice approach towards life - one who remembers the good things about life, people and relationships. Take this as a positive. Remember that you chose to leave her for a reason - you weren't meant to be together.
If she was the one to break up with you, no matter how you approach life, I don't see how you could have really enjoyed being with someone who didn't enjoy being with you. In that case, you still retain obvious scars of rejection.
Try to blank her out of your life. Don't try to find out things about her. You will heal.
It really helped me to write this, I'm going through something similar, so allow me to thank you for your help.
+1 to this.
I think it's easier for some of us to look back on things and just remember the good times. This is usually pretty harmless but when you do it with a past relationship you can get hung up on someone and not be able to get over them. You need to take another hard look at what happened in that relationship and why it ended. Remember the bad as well as the good and it will probably give you some perspective on your current relationship. Heck your current relationship may look much much better after that.
Another thing is I'm an advocate of not keeping tabs on exes. Either you or they have made a decision that moved them out of your life. There is no point in keeping track of where their life has gone and what they're up to now. You have your own life to keep track of.
+1 and I'd even go further and suggest that the end of this particular relationship was akin to a bereavement for you. In bereavement there are several stages: sorrow, disbelief, anger, denial, acceptance and others I can't remember. You don't have to go through them all or in any particular order but I would suggest you certainly haven't reached acceptance and could even be in denial. Maybe, given the time elapsed since the relationship ended, it would be worth seeing a councillor to work through this. I'm mindful you're a student but maybe such facilities are available on campus.
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- #13
Truth be told, I broke up with her. I was sick of her attitude which was poor needless to say. But it is not all her fault. We fed into eachother's negative points like no body's business.......I think the problem that I have with it is that I feel we should have "tried one more time" before I really took that step out the door as she was the first girl I have ever lived with. It was a leap of faith that the future would bring me something better and I took it but I have regretted it ever since. As to those who commented and keep commenting, I can't and I repeat cannot thank you enough. I truly am happy to hear that my situation and the words that you all have written for me may have in-turn helped yourselves with your own situations. I couldn't ask for a better forum. I will try to "not keep tabs" on her anymore as you are correct, it's not helpful. Maybe now I can try to see if my current girl is the right one for me or not. Truth be told, with my ex on my mind, it is hard to know whether she is right for me or not. And to answer a question that was asked.....yes she was a rebound..........but that doesn't mean it has to end up the way all rebounds do.........I have devoted a lot of time and effort into my current relationship and the only reason we aren't further ahead with it is that my past keeps holding me back. A good saying that was told to me years ago was this..."If you have one step in the past and one step in the future, you are pissing on today........" Hopefully those simple words of wisdom will engrain themselves once again into my heart........and perhaps if you haven't heard it already before, help a few of you. Thanks again. I will continue to stay current on this post for as long as it gets responses....I think I am in the PIF'ing mood.......anyone want a fix-me up straight..............just pay the postage and I will pick one with a decent handle and decent blade.......not sharpened or cleaned though. I don't have the time for that anymore........First one to respond saying that want it gets it.......Lets try and give it to a newbie folks........
I've always been under the impression that with relationships, you should keep your mind in the present. Maybe I'm just idealistic. You've been with your current girlfriend for a while now, right? Take her out this weekend, maybe Cafe Prima Pasta in Miami. Both of you dress up a little and just have a wonderful night. Really excellent food, by the way.
I'm in no way saying you aren't appreciating your current girlfriend, regardless of whether she is a rebound or not. It's just that we all need a reminder about what is precious to us in the present, not what was significant in the past.
Good luck to you. I'm a young guy (at NSU as well) like you and sometimes in our youth, we think about some crazy things.
I'm in no way saying you aren't appreciating your current girlfriend, regardless of whether she is a rebound or not. It's just that we all need a reminder about what is precious to us in the present, not what was significant in the past.
Good luck to you. I'm a young guy (at NSU as well) like you and sometimes in our youth, we think about some crazy things.
In effect you were married. The marriage ended and you are possibly feeling guilty about the fact of ending it, thinking maybe we (I) should have given it one more try.
I married at 24. Despite having 2 kids we grew apart. In the end after 15 years I made the decision to split up and to stay separated (we too were feeding into each other's bad points). It was damned difficult. However life came through. I had a horrendous relationship which ended badly but I then met an extremely special lady to whom I'm now married and very happily so. Age, maturity, wisdom, whatever has made this easier. I met Billy Connolly in an ice cream parlour here in Auckland. I couldn't make his show because of the wedding. We had a chat about second marriages (he also divorced and rewed) and agreed that to make it work you need to be older and a bit kicked around by life.
In short: At a young age a particular 24/7 relationship didn't work. Put it down to experience, learn from it, decide what are deal breakers and what is small stuff and try to move forward with your life. It's got to be better to look at what could be with your present lady than what might have been with an ex.
You will always have those thoughts, wondering if you did the right thing, whether you did enough, whether you were too selfish or inconsiderate. Almost every man who has an ex has had those thoughts. Those are usually balanced, though, with the other thoughts, and you know which ones they are.
Realistically, you should know that people who get back together after really breaking up are either trying to change the past or get revenge. I am not joking here. If you know any older women you trust, run this by one of them. A reality check would end these longings for the ex gf.
Realistically, you should know that people who get back together after really breaking up are either trying to change the past or get revenge. I am not joking here. If you know any older women you trust, run this by one of them. A reality check would end these longings for the ex gf.
It sounds like you must have fought a lot and that it must have been intense. Fiery. Maybe the absence of that in your present relationship is what you miss? I'm not a psychologist, but I know that people are addicted to things they know are not good for them - alcohol, drugs, speed (as in driving fast), violence. It's an adrenaline rush. Think of the couples who fight hard and love even harder. The intensity is addicting. Maybe I'm way off. Just a thought.
I haven't gotten over the girl I loved forty years ago so to answer your question, there is no answer.
In my case, if I saw her now I would probably get over it because she would be my age and I doubt she would be quite so lovely as I remember her.
In my case, if I saw her now I would probably get over it because she would be my age and I doubt she would be quite so lovely as I remember her.
I suggest everyone in here watch the Italian film Cinema Paradiso. Watch the director's cut version. It's a lovely, touching film that relates to this.
Question for you: Would you prefer to see her and have the illusion, or magic shattered, but free yourself, or go on loving her as you remember her?
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