Alright so here is the deal. I am in a predicament and all of my friends here aren't really any help when comes down to the matter of relationships and I could really use some advice as to what to do in this situation. In my core group of friends we have a few of them that are girls and only one of them is a lady. I am 25 years old and I am not in the mood for dating someone who is a child. I am past that part of my life and I would like to date someone that is more mature. This one particular lady who from this point on will be named "Z" has caught my eye and well she is so smart and funny and is selfless and oh by the way she is really beautiful. Now I am really good friends with her and I figured that I was never thought of anything more than a friend and the fact that she had a boyfriend when I first met her I never thought anything would come of it. Now the thing is that her boyfriend and her have been having problems and they have been for a long time and now they are "taking a break" only thing is that the guy is like a little puppy and is useless and cant do anything for himself that she had been doing so they are still "a couple" but more like she is being a mom to this guy. Anyway she had told one of her girlfriends that if she didnt have a boyfriend that she could see herself dating ME!!! Now when I first heard this I thought they were being really mean and pulling a prank on me. But I confronted Z and she was embarrassed that her friend told me and said that I wasnt supposed to know that. So I thought man that is awesome I could finally have a real girlfriend for once and I wouldnt be settling for someone that I wasnt really interested in. Well this weekend she went out with her family to lake whitney and there she met a random guy that doesnt go to school with us and is rather far away. Now she said that she had fun this weekend and that it was amazing to be out in nature. So I just asked what did you do and I was told that she couldnt tell me because it was only for her girlfriends to know. Now I am not dating her or anything but I feel like she was just toying with me and is now just stringing me along for a backup plan if things dont work out or dont go as planned. Now I didnt tell her that I how I felt when I told her that her friend told me because well apparently everyone in our group and even people not in our group see that I like her. I wanted to talk to her and basically tell her how I feel and that I just want to know if we will ever be together or basically does she want to be with me. Ill wait an appropriate amount of time before making anything official so to speak so that it doesnt reflect badly on her with her previous boyfriend. I just want to know if this is the right thing and or what I should do if this isnt the answer. I just feel like if there isnt going to be anything between us I would rather cut my losses and try to move on so that I can get over her. Any help would be amazing and I appreciate it in advance.
Need some life advice for a confused college student
- Thread starter mannyshaver
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Yeah, I did this when I was 17 and it didn't turn out well. I don't want to guarantee anything, but most likely she is toying with you to amuse herself.
first of all, you were not supposed to confront her about anything. let alone it was girl talk about you! huge faux pa there...and now you're confused why she isnt saying anything to you about her weekend?
sorry to say it man, but whatever she may or may not have felt for you may be gone. you may have just as well handed her a note that read "do you like me? yes, no, or maybe". you were supposed to be a man, walk up to her, grab her by the waist and passionately kiss her.
your biggest peeve is the maturity level, and it may have been your lack of that ruined it for you.
sorry to say it man, but whatever she may or may not have felt for you may be gone. you may have just as well handed her a note that read "do you like me? yes, no, or maybe". you were supposed to be a man, walk up to her, grab her by the waist and passionately kiss her.
your biggest peeve is the maturity level, and it may have been your lack of that ruined it for you.
Based on just this information, this actually doesn't sound like a good situation to be honest. She is basically stringing along 3 different guys (or at least 2, was the long distance dude a 1 weekend thing or what), either way, it's not good.
And by confronting her about liking you, and planning to talk to her about how you feel, you will just allow her to string you along as 1 option. As it stands right now, she has no reason to choose.
For now, I would not do anything, or show her any interest. Go do some things outside the group, singles get-togethers, etc. Meet a girl outside this circle. If this girl really likes you, she will notice, and will know she can't string you along. And if she doesn't really like you and just wanted to play games. Then at least by being out and about, you may meet someone better.
And by confronting her about liking you, and planning to talk to her about how you feel, you will just allow her to string you along as 1 option. As it stands right now, she has no reason to choose.
For now, I would not do anything, or show her any interest. Go do some things outside the group, singles get-togethers, etc. Meet a girl outside this circle. If this girl really likes you, she will notice, and will know she can't string you along. And if she doesn't really like you and just wanted to play games. Then at least by being out and about, you may meet someone better.
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- #5
I can understand that I handled it wrong at first but I mean I see her every day since she in our core group of friends I just want to know what to do to get past this. My parents had pushed me to do good in school it was never for me to go have relationships during my highschool years. So unfortunately I am not very well developed or mature when it comes to things like that. I have a house and a job and I am a full time student finishing my degree. I just as you said am not mature in the social aspect of things.
Rather than laying all your cards on the table right away, I would just ask her on a few one on one dates, away from all the other people, and see if the relationship develops naturally. It either will or it won't, but if it doesn't neither of you will have to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable around each other. If you come out and say "I love you!!!!" and she does not feel the same, or even that she is not 100% sure how she feels because she is just coming out of another relationship, it will always be weird.
Don't worry about that weekend with the other guy. She is not your girlfriend yet, and her fooling around a little bit will just confirm in her own mind whether you are the guy for her or not.
Don't worry about that weekend with the other guy. She is not your girlfriend yet, and her fooling around a little bit will just confirm in her own mind whether you are the guy for her or not.
yeah!!!!
If you actually like her and don't want to be friends, ask her out. I'm with the other guys though, you may have messed this one up and/or she's kind of a crappy girl to like. Really, you need to stay out of young folk drama that you're stuck in now. You like her, go get her.
Ignore her with anything other than friendship. If it is a game you have the upper hand. If it is nothing then you are still friends. If it is meant to be more, then it will happen in time. Do not close your eyes to the rest of the world. The right one could be right next to you while you play this game. Try a legitimate online network while you are single. Let the net weed out some prospects. I met my wife online and we just celebrated our tenth anniversary. 25 is a good age. Enjoy yourself. Good luck and good shaves to you.
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- #10
thanks guys I appreciate this wisdom like I said I am not very good with these kinds of things and it seems that I have messed things up but I will try and stay hopeful. At least my new puppy will be there for me when I want something to keep me company
I agree with Craig.
take your pup for a walk on campus - they are incredible icebreakers and you can start asking OTHER gals out on casual dates (sounds like you can use the experiences - and the puppy will do most of the initial work, trust me).
Meanwhile,focus on YOU, not on Z. Remain 'friends' with Z but work on your self-esteem and let it take it's natural course.... good luck!
take your pup for a walk on campus - they are incredible icebreakers and you can start asking OTHER gals out on casual dates (sounds like you can use the experiences - and the puppy will do most of the initial work, trust me).
Meanwhile,focus on YOU, not on Z. Remain 'friends' with Z but work on your self-esteem and let it take it's natural course.... good luck!
That doesn't really sound all that mature. If neither of you have "other plans", proceed with caution... Trust me, I wrote the book about picking up ladies.
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Been there with the confusion with the ladies. What does your Dad say about this? Do you have good male role models? I would be very cautious about dating within circle of friends if not 100% sure it's mutual. A simple coffee with "just us" is either yea or nay. If nay, don't give voice to it - move on. If yea, then its your game. It's very difficult to read a situation but from the pure matter of facts which you stated, she may want guys she can "fix" (take that as you wish). She also might be holding on until there's something better.
I'm saying none of that "if" stuff matters. Coffee - yes or no. Go from there. State your intentions with her if things are going well. Friend zone is forever. You owe it to yourself as a man to not "hope" that she'll "come around" . These are the best years of your life. Find someone to build confidence with if you need to. You'll look back at your college years and 20s either with appreciation for all the women with mutual respect and attraction that you met or all the time you wasted. Also, an easy choice.
Do your dude friends do dude things? You can also build your confidence with the various male rites of passage, comraderie and experience. And you can learn a few moves.
I'm saying none of that "if" stuff matters. Coffee - yes or no. Go from there. State your intentions with her if things are going well. Friend zone is forever. You owe it to yourself as a man to not "hope" that she'll "come around" . These are the best years of your life. Find someone to build confidence with if you need to. You'll look back at your college years and 20s either with appreciation for all the women with mutual respect and attraction that you met or all the time you wasted. Also, an easy choice.
Do your dude friends do dude things? You can also build your confidence with the various male rites of passage, comraderie and experience. And you can learn a few moves.
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- #15
Thanks matt_bloodletter, I think that what you have given me is a good piece of advise and it is something that I can actually handle at my level of comfort doing. My dad isnt the best person to seek advice from when it comes down to things like this. He also doesnt really care what happens and doesnt give anything that is useful. Last time I asked about something like this all he said was girls are nothing but trouble and you dont need to waste your time or efforts on any of them who dont just come to you on their own. Sorry dad been waiting for 25 years and nothing has happened yet so I think I need something else in terms as a back up plan.
How old is the dame? ;-).
All I know is you don't want to be the rebound dude if you are looking for a long term relationship.
IMO the best women (and men )are the ones who have been single by choice for a while. They will be emotionally independent, know who they are and know what they want. You want to avoid those who can't be alone for a second so they are habitually in a relationship. YMMV of course.
All I know is you don't want to be the rebound dude if you are looking for a long term relationship.
IMO the best women (and men )are the ones who have been single by choice for a while. They will be emotionally independent, know who they are and know what they want. You want to avoid those who can't be alone for a second so they are habitually in a relationship. YMMV of course.
- Thread starter
- #19
Well guys I appreciate the advice I will have to use it for the next one because one of her friends came up to me shortly after I was finished reading Matt_bloodletters advice and she began to tell me that she really does like me but she feels like she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now and that she just didnt have the heart to tell me this in person cause she didnt want to see me cry. Well guys guess what I am a man and I dont cry over things like this, I told her friend that I am so sorry that I had caused them drama and that they didnt need to worry because she can have all the space and freedom to do what she wants. I am sorry but the whole line of I dont want to be in a relationship right now is BULL. That isnt the reason and girls need to finish off the statement and then guys wouldnt be strung along for months or heck even longer. If they only said "I dont want to be in a relationship WITH YOU " then it wouldnt be misinterpreted. Maybe I am wrong but frankly I am a little too old and I have gotten that line thrown at me more than once before so I am done I will just focus on my studies and get out of this college so I can go get on with my life and not have to deal with this drama that plague schools now. Not sure what happened to the maturity level of people from my age group to this younger one but man these kids. Anyway like I said thanks a lot for the insight you all have provided me. I will see how best to apply this to future more adult relationships.
Ah well. Roll with the punches. I wish I could tell you it gets easier when you are older, but that really isn't true.
All you can do is keep a stiff upper lip and stay classy. Be nice about it to her and her friends. Make like it is not a big deal, because in one, two, ten years it won't be, and you will struggle to remember this girls name. Acting any other way is just going to create drama with no benefit to anyone.
All you can do is keep a stiff upper lip and stay classy. Be nice about it to her and her friends. Make like it is not a big deal, because in one, two, ten years it won't be, and you will struggle to remember this girls name. Acting any other way is just going to create drama with no benefit to anyone.
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