My girl question

[perry]

I've sworn to myself that I wouldn't ask for dating advice on an online forum, but I'm confused.

I met this gal online in October. We went out to dinner twice in a week then just chatted over text messaging until Thanksgiving, about 6 weeks. We planned stuff but life got in the way and things got canceled. Thousands of text messages went back and forth! For Thanksgiving, she was going to be alone, so I insisted she come w/ ma and I to lunch, and she did. She came to my house the next day for dinner and we've hung out pretty much every weekend since. Still chatting over text messaging through the week. Most of the time she comes to my house for me to cook and either go to a movie or watch a movie, but I took her to my company Xmas party and to a party at a buddy's house. We exchanged simple Xmas presents.

The most we've done is hug at the end of eat outing. No cuddling on the couch, no hand holding, none of that.

Here is where I'm confused. In October / early November when we were emailing / texting she told me "friends first," and to just relax. I was ready to just say whatever and go on with life, but I've kept talking to her because I think she's a pretty cool gal.

Over the past week, she's told me a couple times that she considers me to be a good friend now. Normally, this would be a bad thing, right? But, what about the previous paragraph?

I'll add a couple things that have me wondering and making me feel like it's now or never. She went to a football game last weekend with a guy that was her loan originator for her house a couple years ago. She lost her job a few days prior and he felt sorry for her, and he had a spare ticket.. She was at my house on Wednesday for dinner. Friday we were talking on the phone (a REAL rarity!) and she mentioned going out to dinner w/ him on Tuesday. Then today, Saturday, after lunch, on her Facebook some other guy posted something like, "hey you're a cheap date, hope you had fun because I did." And she responded, "that was a date? next time take me somewhere nice." And then today she also posted a picture on her Facebook of the football ticket guy w/ his arm around her - a week later! So that's two dudes just on her Facebook!

So I am at a point where I want to either file her away as a gal I know, or take her on a date. She's a nice enough person that I don't want to just file her away, and I also don't want to ruin our friendship.

I think what I need is for someone to tell me to just grow a pair and use the word "date" when asking about our next outing to make my intentions clear. She's coming over on Sunday for me to cook and watch a movie (we're going through the Saw series). I guess I fancy her enough to not want to ruin our friendship with the awkwardness if she says no. The thing is, I don't want to be the "other guy" and put her to in to a weird situation. Do I just say *** it and ask her knowing that whatever friendship will be ruined if it doesn't go my way? Nothing ventured, nothing gained? Is it too late and I just throw in the towel? So, what say ye B&B?

 

[airplanedoc]

I think you got Just friended. But the only way to know is ask, See if she wants to go out on a proper date, and make sure she knows it is a Date, not dinner with a friend. Worst she can say is no.

 

[luvmysuper]

Tell her how you feel, and that you'd like to take the relationship to a more serious and committed level.
Either she'll respond positively and you'll be happy or she'll say no and that she just considers you a friend.
From the sound of your post, it doesn't sound like you are happy being friends with her, and in fact, your reluctance to tell her how you really feel is based on a fear of not having her around at all. You're fooling yourself if you think that you can ever be happy with her just being around as a friend.
Ask her out, make a gentlemanly move and let things develop - or move on and find that someone special who is out there for you.

 

[CCMphysician]

I think you got Just friended. But the only way to know is ask, See if she wants to go out on a proper date, and make sure she knows it is a Date, not dinner with a friend. Worst she can say is no.

Yeah, sorry, mein friend. There's not a whole lot of good news I have for you. The best I can offer you is that you probably would not want to deal with her either. If she goes out with two different guys at the same time, she would do the same with you. Don't put yourself through it.

Push on, we're all there with you,
CCM

 

[mparker762]

Maybe friend zone, maybe she's trying to goad you into moving into dating mode, maybe you're just backup material for her. I'd ask her out on an unequivocal date, but wouldn't be surprised if she declines and reiterates the "friends" bit, accepts and you switch to courting mode, or accepts but keeps dating other guys. But whichever way it goes you'll likely get good information from her response. The question is whether you'll like the implications of that information. But ultimately asking the question won't change her feelings, it just brings a measure of clarity to the issue. Sometimes it's more fun to agonize over the unknown than mourn over the certainty of loss. It's up to you.

 

[perry]

First reactions are usually right and there's three of them. Shoulda acted quicker. I wanna say that's cool, ya know, but it's not. I'll cook her dinner tomorrow as planned and ask. Prepared for the worst, hope for the best.

And we already have plans for next weekend to go to a party at the same buddy's house again - he hosts UFC parties and she likes to watch UFC... Maybe I can weasel my way out.

I'll sack up on Sunday and see what happens. She got the flu on Thursday and was throwing up the food I cooked her on Wednesday.. and still wants to eat more of whatever I cook on Sunday. And lemme tell ya, I ain't the greatest cook. She's been here more to eat than we've been out someplace. Something keeps bringing her back. Free food while she shops around? Shrug. Oh well. At least I've enjoyed her company for a couple months, huh?

 

[mparker762]

Free food while she shops around?

Could be, unfortunately. I've known women that did that sort of thing. Plus you help keep her from being bored, plus she likes the attention.

 

[The Nid Hog]

Man, I haven't been on a date since the end of the Reagan administration. Are we being friends with girls now?

 

[luvmysuper]

First reactions are usually right and there's three of them. Shoulda acted quicker. I wanna say that's cool, ya know, but it's not. I'll cook her dinner tomorrow as planned and ask. Prepared for the worst, hope for the best.

And we already have plans for next weekend to go to a party at the same buddy's house again - he hosts UFC parties and she likes to watch UFC... Maybe I can weasel my way out.

I'll sack up on Sunday and see what happens. She got the flu on Thursday and was throwing up the food I cooked her on Wednesday.. and still wants to eat more of whatever I cook on Sunday. And lemme tell ya, I ain't the greatest cook. She's been here more to eat than we've been out someplace. Something keeps bringing her back. Free food while she shops around? Shrug. Oh well. At least I've enjoyed her company for a couple months, huh?

Don't be down yet, things could go superbly, and she could be asking you "What took you so long?".
You just can't know until you ask and get an answer.

 

[mparker762]

Man, I haven't been on a date since the end of the Reagan administration. Are we being friends with girls now?

Some girls are old-fashioned and want to be friends before going to bed. Never understood it myself, but then I'm not a girl.

 

[CCMphysician]

Could be, unfortunately. I've known women that did that sort of thing. Plus you help keep her from being bored, plus she likes the attention.

Unfortunately, I agree with you. The fact that you are accompanying her to this party of a guy who she's dated means that you probably are in the friend territory. I agree with the above assessment, she probably likes the attention which means there is some insecurity there. Couldn't hurt to ask her out on an actual date though; just be prepared to amputate.

-CCM

 

[perry]

Could be, unfortunately. I've known women that did that sort of thing. Plus you help keep her from being bored, plus she likes the attention.

More info. I met her about 2 weeks after she moves in to an apartment from a house. She had lived in that house w/ a guy she had been with for 4.5 years. So she obviously isn't a flake that hops from guy to guy. I told her from the get go that I didn't want to be the rebound... That was one of my first three emails to her!

Agonizing over the unknown is what drives nuts!!! I guess that is my answer, huh? Sack up and ask. I think the Facebook nonsense is what has messed with me the most. Stupid website.

Oh, I mentioned I was applying for a new job at work about two weeks ago and she said, "maybe then you could afford to take me on a real date."

I sooooo wanna think she ain't playing games with me. I soooooo wanna think she is "different," whatever that means. I didn't want to get lured in to the dating games. Bah.

 

[luvmysuper]

Some girls are old-fashioned and want to be friends before going to bed. Never understood it myself, but then I'm not a girl.

There's a difference between being friendly and being friends.
Being Friendly leads to possible relationships.
Being Friends leads to long lonely nights.

 

[The Nid Hog]

Some girls are old-fashioned and want to be friends before going to bed. Never understood it myself, but then I'm not a girl.

I feel so old now. I guess that I've outgrown more than my Magnum PI OP shorts.

 

[Strikermike]

Tell her friends is okay as long as it has "benefits".

 

[mparker762]

The fact that you are accompanying her to this party of a guy who she's dated means that you probably are in the friend territory.

Depends on if she thought of this date with the other guy as a date - we don't know if the girl actually called that a date or it was the OP's description. It's possible the other guys is friend-zoned, or both of them are. OP, you gotta ask her out using the word date to try to flush out her intentions.

 

[CCMphysician]

There's a difference between being friendly and being friends.
Being Friendly leads to possible relationships.
Being Friends leads to long lonely nights.

As much as it pains me to admit it, luvmysuper is usually right.

-CCM

 

[perry]

Unfortunately, I agree with you. The fact that you are accompanying her to this party of a guy who she's dated means that you probably are in the friend territory. I agree with the above assessment, she probably likes the attention which means there is some insecurity there. Couldn't hurt to ask her out on an actual date though; just be prepared to amputate.

Na, the buddy's house is my buddy. She knows none of the people. She hasn't invited me to anything w/ her friends.

"date" shall be used on Sunday. I guess that's what I needed to hear

 

[CCMphysician]

Tell her friends is okay as long as it has "benefits".

Sorry, I actually find that rather offensive.

-CCM

 

[CCMphysician]

Na, the buddy's house is my buddy. She knows none of the people. She hasn't invited me to anything w/ her friends.

"date" shall be used on Sunday. I guess that's what I needed to hear

Ah! Excellent then! I wish you the best of luck. Just ignore me, I tend to be a debbie downer.

-CCM