Jokes that make you laugh?

[DEgeezer]

Any good jokes, funny stories, etc.? I'll start it off:

The wise old Mother Superior of the convent was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed, hoping to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk, but she refused it.
As one nun returned the still full glass of milk to the kitchen, she remembered that the previous Christmas they had received a bottle of brandy as a gift.
She dumped out some milk, poured in a generous helping of the brandy, and returned to Mother Superior's bedside.
Mother took a little sip, then a little more, and soon polished off the whole glass.
"Mother," said the nuns, "give us some words of wisdom before you pass!"

She looked up and said, "Don't sell the cow!"

 

[emwolf]

Any good jokes, funny stories, etc.? I'll start it off:

The wise old Mother Superior of the convent was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed, hoping to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk, but she refused it.
As one nun returned the still full glass of milk to the kitchen, she remembered that the previous Christmas they had received a bottle of brandy as a gift.
She dumped out some milk, poured in a generous helping of the brandy, and returned to Mother Superior's bedside.
Mother took a little sip, then a little more, and soon polished off the whole glass.
"Mother," said the nuns, "give us some words of wisdom before you pass!"

She looked up and said, "Don't sell the cow!"

They use just the punch line in Bonnie and Clyde. Heard one that is great if you're a Spider-Man movie fan:
When Andrew Garfield, Tobey McGuire, and Tom Holland drove to a friend's house they wanted to leave the car on the street but got into an accident trying. It turns out they're terrible parallel parkers.

 

[TinyTim]

At my age, getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

 

[BigLeegr]

At my age, getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

At my age food has replaced sex. Now I can't even get into my own pants.

 

[TinyTim]

At my age food has replaced sex. Now I can't even get into my own pants.

My doctor asked if I did any balance exercises and I said " Yeah, getting into my pants every morning without falling over"

 

[DEgeezer]

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag by his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked at her and said: "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

 

[Mysterious Mose]

Ha!

 

[Dalejr]

One of my co-workers is full of dirty jokes mostly cringe worthy but I'll still share one I overheard him telling today.

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? :

*He was looking for a tight seal*.....

 

[SparkyLB]

87 year-old man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc--I've got a new 27 year-old bride and just got her pregnant! What do you think of that?"
Doctor replies, "That's reminiscent of a hunting trip I heard about where an old man spots a large beaver on the shoreline when he realizes he's forgotten his rifle. He raises his walking cane and mouths 'BOOM, BOOM' and states the beaver dropped like a rock.
The 87 year-old man states, "Sounds to me like there was a second hunter who pumped two into the beaver just as the old man was gesturing with his cane."
Doctor replies, "My point exactly."

 

[Ratso]

911 what’s your emergency?
I just witnessed a horrific accident. There is a man laying unconscious bleeding profusely.
What’s your location?
Eucalyptus and Main St.
Can you spell Eucalyptus for me?
Wait, I’ll drag him over to Pine street.

 

[DEgeezer]

This guy lives in the country. He gets up in the morning, goes outside and sees a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad entitled 'Critter Gitters'. Sure enough the guy says that he can get rid of the bear.
He shows up with a cage on his truck. He also has a ladder, club, shotgun, and a Pit Bull. He tells the owner he will chase the bear off the roof and the Pit Bull is trained to grab the bear by the testicles, which will subdue the bear, so he can winch it into the cage.
The owner asks; "why did you hand me the shotgun? " The guy replies; "if the bear manages to push me off instead, you're to shoot the dog! "

 

[SparkyLB]

A magician works in the Grand Ballroom aboard a cruise ship, he has for years.
There's a parrot that lives in the rafters of the room, and is always giving away the magician's jokes at the most inopportune times. "They're all the Jack of Hearts!," or, "The ace is in his back pocket!"
The magician hates the parrot.
As fate would have it, the boat hits an iceberg, breaks in half and sinks.
Everyone dies. Everyone except the magician and parrot--who are clinging to a piece of debris in the icy water. They stare each other down in the windless, full-moon night as they freeze to death. The hate is palpable. Finally, the parrot says, "OK I give up, what'd ya do with the ship?"

 

[NoahYoung860]

Me: Doc, it hurts when I go like that.
Doc: Don’t go like that.

 

[DEgeezer]

John gets up early on Saturday and goes to the hardware store to pick up some things he needs for some honey-do jobs.
When he gets home his wife meets him at the door wearing a sexy negligee, and holding a rope. In a sultry voice she says; "Johnny baby, it's your birthday, so you can tie me up, and do whatever you like!"
So he ties her up, and goes fishing.

 

[timetofly]

It was sooooo hot in the Chicago area, that i saw bees taking off their yellow jackets.

 

[luvmysuper]

It was sooooo hot in the Chicago area, that i saw bees taking off their yellow jackets.

It's been so hot, I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
The squirrels around here are picking up acorns with oven mitts.

 

[timetofly]

Do you know what the old maid bought the Vaseline for?

$4.99

 

[DEgeezer]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store only once! There are 4 floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store, and on the first floor the sign reads: Floor 1 These men have jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
“That’s nice” she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues. The third floor reads: Floor 3 These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but goes on to the fourth floor.
Where the sign reads: You are visitor 31,456 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. It is solely here to show that women are extremely hard to please.

Across the street the proprietor opened a New Wives Store.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, and have money.

The third floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.

The fourth floor has never been visited.

 

[timetofly]

Just a story from the days when I was a grounds keeper at a cemetery.

I caught this young couple having sex in a very remote part of the cemetery.

I asked them if the did not see the sign at the entrance that reads, No Trespassing.

The young gentleman responds, "We came through the back side of the cemetery! The sign there read, Get A Lot While You Are Young!"

 

[Goatrope]

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the more you appreciate it.