Jokes that make you groan

[Commander Quan]

There was a bear that walked into a bar in Billings , Montana and slammed his paw on the bar and demanded, “I want a beer.”

The bartender looked the bear squarely in the eye and said, “ I’m sorry but we don’t serve beer to bears in Billings .”
The bear growled angrily and again demanded a beer.
The bartender again stated, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in Billings .”
The bear roared and said, “If you don’t give me a beer I am going to eat that woman at the end of the bar.”
In frustration the bartender again stated, “We do not serve beer to belligerent bears in Billings .”


The bear then got up and went to the end of the bar and ate the woman. After he was done he again demanded a beer.

The bartender stated clearly again, “WE DO NOT SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT BEARS IN BILLINGS THAT ARE ON DRUGS.”

The bear said, “I’m not on drugs.”
The bartender said, “You are now. That was a bar-*****-u-ate.”

 

[SuperJew]

The bartender said, “You are now. That was a bar-*****-u-ate.”

Oy vey.

 

[jtb]

How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal themometer?

The taste!

 

[Kvarten]

Where does the three-legged horse live?
In the unstable.

 

[Argonaut]

A construction company hired a few guys to help move some heavy timbers from a delivery site to the construction area that was inaccessible by equipment. One of the fellows was carrying two timbers at a time, while the rest were struggling to carry one. After a few hours, the supervisor noticed the extra effort being put forth by the man and told the foreman to tell him to take a well deserved break. The foreman approched the big fellow and said "Hey buddy, nice work. Why don't you take five and roll one?" To which the man answered "Screw you! I'm already carrying twice as many as the rest of these guys!"

 

[SuperJew]

A duck waddles into a convenience store.
He waddles down the isle, and up to the counter. He hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says "Got grapes?"
The clerk, a bit confused, stumbles for a minute and then replies, "Sorry no. We don't carry grapes here."
The duck shrugs, jumps off the counter, down the isle, and waddles out the door.

The next day the duck waddles back into the convenience store.
He waddles down the isle, and up to the counter. He hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says "Got grapes?"
The clerk is puzzles by this second exchange and replies, "Sorry, no, we still don't have grapes, and probably never will."
The duck shrugs, jumps off the counter, down the isle, and waddles out the door.

The next day, the duck AGAIN waddles back into the convenience store.
He waddles down the isle, and up to the counter. He hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says "Got grapes?"
The clerk is starting to get upset, and replies, "Look duck, we didn't have them yesterday or the day before. I told you, we do not nor will we ever carry grapes."
The duck shrugs, jumps off the counter, down the isle, and waddles out the door.

The next day, the duck is back in the convenience store.
He waddles down the isle, and up to the counter. He hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says "Got grapes?"
The clerk is furious. "Look duck. We don't have grapes. We never will. STOP ASKING. If you ask me again about grapes, I'll nail your freakin' beak to the counter."
The duck shrugs, jumps off the counter, down the isle, and waddles out the door.

The next day the duck waddles back into the convenience store.
He waddles down the isle, and up to the counter. He hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says "Got nails?"
The clerk, even more confused, replies, "No, we don't have any nails here."
"Good. Got grapes?"

 

[jdto]

There once was a famous pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers named Mel Famie. He was a great relief pitcher, a 0.45 ERA, and averaged 1.6 SO's per inning. He did have one flaw though, he liked to sneak a six pack or two into the bullpen during games.


Setting the stage for an exciting season finish, in the final stretch to the playoffs, the race was tight. It was the last game of the season, and they were tied with the Yankees for the division lead.


It is the bottom of the ninth inning the game is tied at 0-0. Mel had started on his beer at the seventh inning, figuring that he wouldn't be used. One, two, three, four, the cans go by. By now, Mel is feeling a bit heated. The starting pitcher suddenly gets a cramp in his arm and can't continue. The coach calls Mel to the mound to relieve him.


Mel quickly stuffs his beer can into his back pocket, and gets out there. His first batter comes up...BALL ONE! The ump yells. Soon the count is full, and sure enough, Mel loses him. The next batter comes up...Mel has him at 0-2, but then throws four straight balls and walks him too. The coach wants to pull him, but Mel snows him into leaving him in. Mel strikes out the next batter with three straight fastballs.


So, Mel feels confident and sneaks the beer out of his pocket, and sucks the whole thing down, and slyly drops the can behind the mound. He faces his next batter...and can barely see the plate. He throws a ball just a bit outside, and then a strike. Then three more balls in a row. Now the bases are loaded, and only one out, but Mel somehow convinces the coach he can throw a double play ball. He gets the count to 2-2, then 3-2, and then he throws a curveball wide for ball four, walking in the winning run.


One of the Yankees quickly runs out behind the mound and picks up the discarded beer can. One of his teammates says "What on earth do you want that thing for?"


To which he replies, "Don't you know? This is the beer that made Mel Famie walk us!

 

[Not The Original Kermit]

I just went to a transformers convention and boy are my arms tires.

 

[Rjack]

A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Bartender, is this bar tender?"

 

[Mike H]

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?

Dam

 

[ajs2294]

Man wakes up one morning with an ear ache so he goes to the doctor. Doctor says what's wrong, man says my ear hurts. Doctor takes a look and says there's money in your ear, man says pull it out. Doctor starts pulling out 5s, 10s, 50s then 100s. After the last bill was pulled out man asks how much was in there? Doctor replies with about nineteen hundred or so. Man says, ahh I knew I was feeling two grand.

Actually got a chuckle out of that one!

 

[thatguy1807]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender ask why the long face.

The crime rate is soaring in this country, why the other day two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a-salted.

 

[luvmysuper]

Man walks in and tells the doctor that he feels like a Wigwam and a TeePee.
Doc says "Try to relax, it sounds to me like you're two tents"

 

[jdto]

A pony walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "speak up, I can't hear you!"
The pony says "sorry, I'm a little hoarse."

 

[Chairman Nemo]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

 

[TonyH]

This one's tough to pull off in written form, so just pretend you're hearing it live...

Person 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Person 2 always says "Arrrrrrrrhhh".

Person 1: NO! You'd think so, but it's the "C" that they be lovin!

 

[Cityslicker]

What did they call fast and loose women on the beach in olde England ?
A sand wench.

 

[daccpa]

There was a mad scientist that was so busy, he didn't know what to do. He couldn't hire any help because of his eccentric ideas. So, he decided to clone himself. The cloning went well, but there was only one problem. The clone had a foul mouth. The clone was quite a help to the scientist but he would go all around town swearing at people -- and everyone thought it was the mad scientist! So, the mad scientist had to do away with the clone. He decided to take him up to the top of a very large building and push him off. Make it look like an accident. At the top of the building, the mad scientist tried to push the clone over the edge, but the clone recovered and they struggled and struggled until the police arrived. They arrested the mad scientist. Here's what they're charging him with: Trying to make an obscene clone fall.

 

[oc_in_fw]

He waddles down the isle, and up to the counter. He hops up on the counter, looks at the clerk, and says "Got grapes?"
The clerk, even more confused, replies, "No, we don't have any nails here."
"Good. Got grapes?"

May want to change that to "Got nails?"

 

[i_shaved_something]

Tom: I think I may be getting sick, I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Bob: Have you seen a doctor?
Tom: No...just spots..



Q: What did the snail on the back of the turtle say?

A: Whhheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!




Two men walked into a bar....the third one ducked.