Thanks. I not smart today.
Jokes that make you groan
- Thread starter Captain Pre-Capsize
- Start date
We all have those days.
This is NOT a dirty joke ... keep an open mind, and don't jump to any conclusions until you hear the punchline.
A 98yo man married an 18yo girl, and no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't seem to have any children.
So they went to see a doctor, and he examined them both. Husband and wife seemed to be in good health, but the doctor wanted to be sure ...
So he said to the old man "I want to run a Sperm count test on you. Take this bottle, go into the next room, and, uhhhh ... do whatever you have to do to produce a sample."
An hour goes by, and the old man is still in the next room. The doctor knocks on the door and says "Any luck yet?" and the old man replies "I'm doing the best I can, doc." The doctor tells him "Try using your other hand."
Another hour goes by, and still nothing. The doctor knocks on the door, and the old man says "I'm doing the best I can, doc." The doctor says "Try using BOTH hands on it."
Another hour goes by, and the doctor says to the young wife "Why don't you go in there and see if you can help him?" The wife says "What should I do?" And the doctor tells her "Look, you're husband and wife. I'm sure you'll figure it out together."
So another hour goes by, and the old man comes out of the room. He's drenched in sweat, he's out of breath, his clothes are disheveled, and his wife isn't in much better shape. He handles the bottle to the doctor and its EMPTY.
The old man says "Gee, doc. I'm really sorry. I tried it with my left hand, and it didn't work. I tried it with my right hand, and it didn't work. I tried using BOTH hands on it, and it still didn't work. My wife even tried using her mouth on it, but no matter what we did, we just can't get the cap off of this child-proof bottle."
See? I told you it wasn't a dirty joke.
A 98yo man married an 18yo girl, and no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't seem to have any children.
So they went to see a doctor, and he examined them both. Husband and wife seemed to be in good health, but the doctor wanted to be sure ...
So he said to the old man "I want to run a Sperm count test on you. Take this bottle, go into the next room, and, uhhhh ... do whatever you have to do to produce a sample."
An hour goes by, and the old man is still in the next room. The doctor knocks on the door and says "Any luck yet?" and the old man replies "I'm doing the best I can, doc." The doctor tells him "Try using your other hand."
Another hour goes by, and still nothing. The doctor knocks on the door, and the old man says "I'm doing the best I can, doc." The doctor says "Try using BOTH hands on it."
Another hour goes by, and the doctor says to the young wife "Why don't you go in there and see if you can help him?" The wife says "What should I do?" And the doctor tells her "Look, you're husband and wife. I'm sure you'll figure it out together."
So another hour goes by, and the old man comes out of the room. He's drenched in sweat, he's out of breath, his clothes are disheveled, and his wife isn't in much better shape. He handles the bottle to the doctor and its EMPTY.
The old man says "Gee, doc. I'm really sorry. I tried it with my left hand, and it didn't work. I tried it with my right hand, and it didn't work. I tried using BOTH hands on it, and it still didn't work. My wife even tried using her mouth on it, but no matter what we did, we just can't get the cap off of this child-proof bottle."
See? I told you it wasn't a dirty joke.
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar, jumps up on a stool and orders a beer.
The bartender says "look I'll serve you, but don't you start anything".
The bartender says "look I'll serve you, but don't you start anything".
when does a cop smell?
when hes on duty...
when hes on duty...
What smells the most in a bakery?
Your nose.
Your nose.
Slash McCoy
I freehand dog rockets
Ronald McDonald finally got fed up with his old job, and found employment driving the school bus for Sesame Street. His supervisor rode with him on a dry run and taught him his route, and the next morning, he reports for work and starts his morning pickups. At the first stop, a porcine young lady hefts her considerable bulk aboard and introduces herself as Patty. Ronald acknowledges, and heads for the next stop, where he picks up a retarded kid, who grins and says, "Hi, Mr. bus driver! I'm Ross, and I'm Special". Ronald goes, Okay, fine, kid. Take a seat."
He makes his next stop, and a kid in a doo-rag with a boombox on his shoulder comes pop-locking up the steps and greets Ronald with, "Yo, Homes! Lester G's the name!" and offers a high five, which Ronald grumply declines as he puts the bus in gear.
At his next stop, another fat chick comes aboard, and says her name is Patty, Ronald grunts an acknowledgement and drives off. Looking back in the rear view, he sees the two fat chicks boppin to the latest hip-hop on Lester's boom box, while Lester pulls out a switchblade and starts trimming a corn on his foot and Ross just sits there smiling and drooling and looking all retarded. Suddenly, Ronald brings the bus to a screeching halt, gruffly orders the confused kids off the bus, and zooms to the depot. He stomps in a huff off the bus and shoves the keys into the supervisor's hands.
"Hey, what's going on there, McDonald? How did you finish your route so quick? You DID finish it, right? Where's the kids?"
"You out of your mind?" bellows Ronald, "I took this job to get a break from all that hamburger crap, and there I was, driving down the road, and I looked in the mirror back at those stupid kids and what do I see? Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester G's picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus!"
He makes his next stop, and a kid in a doo-rag with a boombox on his shoulder comes pop-locking up the steps and greets Ronald with, "Yo, Homes! Lester G's the name!" and offers a high five, which Ronald grumply declines as he puts the bus in gear.
At his next stop, another fat chick comes aboard, and says her name is Patty, Ronald grunts an acknowledgement and drives off. Looking back in the rear view, he sees the two fat chicks boppin to the latest hip-hop on Lester's boom box, while Lester pulls out a switchblade and starts trimming a corn on his foot and Ross just sits there smiling and drooling and looking all retarded. Suddenly, Ronald brings the bus to a screeching halt, gruffly orders the confused kids off the bus, and zooms to the depot. He stomps in a huff off the bus and shoves the keys into the supervisor's hands.
"Hey, what's going on there, McDonald? How did you finish your route so quick? You DID finish it, right? Where's the kids?"
"You out of your mind?" bellows Ronald, "I took this job to get a break from all that hamburger crap, and there I was, driving down the road, and I looked in the mirror back at those stupid kids and what do I see? Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester G's picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus!"
Two spoons are talking. One says to the other, "hey, who was that ladle I saw you with last night". To which the other replied, "that was no ladle, that was my knife"
When they sit down at the bar,
the bartender pours the man his regular drink.
But he's never seen the giraffe before,
so he asks "What can I get you?"
and the giraffe replies
"Pour me a tall one."
Slash McCoy
I freehand dog rockets
Guy walks in a bar and orders a drink. Down the bar, he sees a sad-faced man staring gloomily at a tiny elf-like being seated at a toy piano, hammering out some boogie woogie. A small brass object on the bar looks vaguely like a middle eastern style oil lamp. He asks the bartender whats up with that guy. The bartender says, "Look, I don't know. All I know is he pays for the drinks and the music is okay and him and his little buddy don't bother nobody."
So, the man goes down the bar and starts trying to make small talk, and finally he can't help himself. He asks the sad man what the deal is with the little piano playing leprechuan and the old brass lamp.
"Look, I found this lamp at the goodwill, and when I was trying to polish it up to sell on ebay, a genie materialized and told me that because I rubbed that lamp, I was entitled to a wish. Next thing you know, well, I found myself in the sorry state I am now."
"Whoa... a genie? Here lemme see that lamp," he blurts as he quickly grabs it. The sad man tries to shout a warning, but too late... the guy had already rubbed the lamp, and the genie begins to appear.
"To you who have rubbed the magic lamp, I will grant any wish you desire," intones the genie. The man hastily blurts out, "I want a MILLION BUCKS!"
Poof. Suddenly, the air is filled with a multitude of ducks, and the bartender opens the door and after a half hour or so, gets enough of the flapping, quacking birds out of the bar that the new guy could talk to the sad man.
"***... I asked for a million bucks, and I got, it looked like, a million DUCKS! What's wrong with that genie... is he deaf, or what?"
"Of course he's deaf, you ignorant @$$," wails the sad man. "Do you really think I would have asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Ba-da-BOOM!
So, the man goes down the bar and starts trying to make small talk, and finally he can't help himself. He asks the sad man what the deal is with the little piano playing leprechuan and the old brass lamp.
"Look, I found this lamp at the goodwill, and when I was trying to polish it up to sell on ebay, a genie materialized and told me that because I rubbed that lamp, I was entitled to a wish. Next thing you know, well, I found myself in the sorry state I am now."
"Whoa... a genie? Here lemme see that lamp," he blurts as he quickly grabs it. The sad man tries to shout a warning, but too late... the guy had already rubbed the lamp, and the genie begins to appear.
"To you who have rubbed the magic lamp, I will grant any wish you desire," intones the genie. The man hastily blurts out, "I want a MILLION BUCKS!"
Poof. Suddenly, the air is filled with a multitude of ducks, and the bartender opens the door and after a half hour or so, gets enough of the flapping, quacking birds out of the bar that the new guy could talk to the sad man.
"***... I asked for a million bucks, and I got, it looked like, a million DUCKS! What's wrong with that genie... is he deaf, or what?"
"Of course he's deaf, you ignorant @$$," wails the sad man. "Do you really think I would have asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Ba-da-BOOM!
Okay, that one made me laugh.
Slash McCoy
I freehand dog rockets
The Jews and the Arabs were just about to fight the final war between them, winner take all, once and for all, when the U.N. steps in and orders that the two sides settle their differences by proxy, with a dog fight. The two sides agree to meet at a certain place in 10 years and let their best fighting dogs have it out.
The appointed day comes. The Arabs bring out a huge, snarling beast with bloodshot eyes and great big teeth. It is part wolf, part pit bull, part mastiff, part doberman, and all mean. The Jews bring into the ring a giant, waddling Dachshund. Everyone except the Jewish dog handler and the representative of the Israeli government are rolling with laughter. The Arab dog, used to quickly dispatching ferocious and formidable beasts, whines in curiousity at this benign, helpless creature before him.
Suddenly, the Jewish dog swallows the Arab dog whole, lets out a small belch, and goes to sleep.
"I don't believe it!" cries the head of the Arab delegation to the head of the victorious Israelis. "As Allah is my witness, we spent billions of dollars breeding and training the perfect killing machine of a dog to defeat you and remove your wretched nation from the map!"
The Jewish leader replies, "Ve zpent billions of dollars too, on plastic surgery to transform an alligator into a dachshund."
The appointed day comes. The Arabs bring out a huge, snarling beast with bloodshot eyes and great big teeth. It is part wolf, part pit bull, part mastiff, part doberman, and all mean. The Jews bring into the ring a giant, waddling Dachshund. Everyone except the Jewish dog handler and the representative of the Israeli government are rolling with laughter. The Arab dog, used to quickly dispatching ferocious and formidable beasts, whines in curiousity at this benign, helpless creature before him.
Suddenly, the Jewish dog swallows the Arab dog whole, lets out a small belch, and goes to sleep.
"I don't believe it!" cries the head of the Arab delegation to the head of the victorious Israelis. "As Allah is my witness, we spent billions of dollars breeding and training the perfect killing machine of a dog to defeat you and remove your wretched nation from the map!"
The Jewish leader replies, "Ve zpent billions of dollars too, on plastic surgery to transform an alligator into a dachshund."
- Thread starter
- #54
Heaven help us all, what have I started???
I have opened the FLOOD GATES OF JOKEDOM!!!!!
I have opened the FLOOD GATES OF JOKEDOM!!!!!
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Slash McCoy
I freehand dog rockets
In the African jungle, one explorer is startled to see his colleague urinating into his hat. His buddy looks up, shrugs, and says, "Well, Thtanley, ith called a pith helmet, ithn't it?"
Slash McCoy
I freehand dog rockets
Q: What do you call a male belly dancer from the Himalayas?
A: The Abdominal Showman!
A: The Abdominal Showman!
What about the Indian who drank too much Lipton?
He drowned in his own Tea Pee.
He drowned in his own Tea Pee.
You know air conditioning was invented by a team of Jewish scientists...
Hy, Max and Norm.
Hy, Max and Norm.
And why Italian men sport mustaches..
So they look like their mothers.
So they look like their mothers.
Went to a Chinese restaurant last night. Great food but it was really bright in there. I asked the waiter if he could "dim sum" lights.
