I live with two unemployed college grads (class of 2008 and 2010, respectively), and a third who’s an internship away from earning his degree. We rent a nice, 4-bedroom house in a quiet neighborhood. I now work full-time (how else could I have survived the ADs!?) and don't spend as much time at home as the rest of them.
I lived with one of the guys in my previous residence – let’s just call him “Bob” - and he’s established himself as quite a lazy fella, but unfortunately also as a self-centered and controlling/manipulative one; no offense to any of you, but the fact that he’s the youngest of his siblings is quite clear.
When we relocated to this place, all of a sudden he showed enthusiasm for keeping the house clean, and wanted all four of us to clean together every other weekend, normally on Saturday or Sunday mornings. While a good idea, our schedules don’t always line up, but I would commit to a task and complete it either before or within hours of returning home after the scheduled date. This continued until around the end of the Fall semester, as final exams approached and studying trumped cleaning.
Time passes, and the laziness reaches new levels. The basic concept of cleaning up after oneself seems increasingly foreign. We eventually meet up and I express my disgust at the amount of filth in the kitchen, so we agree to get back in to scheduled house cleanings. However, my suggestion that we do it on the following Sunday (now this weekend; said meeting was last week) was met with claims of unavailability and the thought that we shouldn’t clean unless we’re all there working together. I had had enough waiting around, and refused to bite the bullet and clean up my roommates’ crumbs and now-molding drips/spills after how many times I’ve had to previously, so I laid out some tasks and encouraged the guys to take care of it before the end of the week. The end result would be a clean house by Sunday, working together if not simultaneously. Here’s the email I sent from work on my break:
And here’s what “Bob” replied (to all):
Okay…I’m following up on something that was “his idea” in spite of the laziness he displayed at our old residence and was slipping into more recently, and he effectively calls me a drill sergeant. I don’t think I’m crazy for detecting a negative undertone in there, so I asked him about it in the morning. As predicted, he claimed that it was a ‘good email’ and was only joking.
I was running too late for work to unload on him, plus I wanted to control my anger before slapping down his immaturity, so at work I typed up this reply-to-all:
I was going to type more but inadvertently clicked “send”, but regardless I feel that it’s really clear and to the point, without “screaming.” He then sent this to me:
A few points about this reply:
I’m not really sure what more I can do here. I don’t see him changing or ever admitting fault. In fact, at the last house, he left his bathroom window open and burglars ransacked his room, took a couple things from my then-roommate’s room, and left me scared ****less as I was asleep in my room the whole time during the break-in (no possessions of mine were taken, but my sense of safety was gone). He has never admitted that he could have left the window open, and dismissed my emotions, saying that he had it worse than me. I was never trying to one-up him, but he insisted that I would only understand if I had $15000 worth of stuff stolen. It’s a different kind of ****ty feeling, indeed, but by refusing my support and blasting my own feelings, I lost a lot of respect for him following that incident.
ANYWAY, like I started to say, I don’t see him ever changing, but I’ve lived with far dirtier people before. And he actually does – e v e n t u a l l y – clean things up. His band bought their own PA system and the lock on my door protects the only other boundary I assert. Nobody says you have to be friends with your roommates, and I can peacefully coexist with him around. These spats won’t go away though, and it’s tiring to have been positioned as the ‘mom’ or the ‘bad cop’, a title which I did not request.
Incidentally, when I got home yesterday the kitchen was allll shiny and clean, and a porcelain butter dish had replaced the broken glass one. I tried to talk to "bob" but he preferred we wait until all 4 of us can talk. As much as I don't want to let his feelings linger, I respect his request for mediation (something which I would prefer too, even though he refused my request the last time he and I had a 'chat'). Interestingly, when I tried to thank another roommate for cleaning the kitchen, he claimed it was all "Bob"'s work. I'm not really sure how I feel about that.
Am I overreacting here? Am I displaying some worse traits or equally bad ones? Admittedly, I will counter his inactions and use passive-aggressive techniques against him, but I find that it’s the only thing that works.
Geez…If you actually read this entire thing, bravo! Hopefully I'm not alone here and someone else can take something from this, if not offer their own personal experiences and insight.
I lived with one of the guys in my previous residence – let’s just call him “Bob” - and he’s established himself as quite a lazy fella, but unfortunately also as a self-centered and controlling/manipulative one; no offense to any of you, but the fact that he’s the youngest of his siblings is quite clear.
When we relocated to this place, all of a sudden he showed enthusiasm for keeping the house clean, and wanted all four of us to clean together every other weekend, normally on Saturday or Sunday mornings. While a good idea, our schedules don’t always line up, but I would commit to a task and complete it either before or within hours of returning home after the scheduled date. This continued until around the end of the Fall semester, as final exams approached and studying trumped cleaning.
Time passes, and the laziness reaches new levels. The basic concept of cleaning up after oneself seems increasingly foreign. We eventually meet up and I express my disgust at the amount of filth in the kitchen, so we agree to get back in to scheduled house cleanings. However, my suggestion that we do it on the following Sunday (now this weekend; said meeting was last week) was met with claims of unavailability and the thought that we shouldn’t clean unless we’re all there working together. I had had enough waiting around, and refused to bite the bullet and clean up my roommates’ crumbs and now-molding drips/spills after how many times I’ve had to previously, so I laid out some tasks and encouraged the guys to take care of it before the end of the week. The end result would be a clean house by Sunday, working together if not simultaneously. Here’s the email I sent from work on my break:
And here’s what “Bob” replied (to all):
Okay…I’m following up on something that was “his idea” in spite of the laziness he displayed at our old residence and was slipping into more recently, and he effectively calls me a drill sergeant. I don’t think I’m crazy for detecting a negative undertone in there, so I asked him about it in the morning. As predicted, he claimed that it was a ‘good email’ and was only joking.
FLASHBACK: about a week prior he dropped my glass butter dish and the base shattered. Apparently the roommates saw him do it, and described his broken glass cleanup effort as “quarter-assed”. He flipped over the top part, left the butter in, and never said a word to me about it.
Next I asked about my butter dish “…soooo what happened with my butter dish?” He said “oh yeah, it broke, but you sound like you knew about that already.” ***?!? Um, YOU obviously knew about it and deliberately avoided owning up to your mistake, Bob! (I didn’t say any of that)I was running too late for work to unload on him, plus I wanted to control my anger before slapping down his immaturity, so at work I typed up this reply-to-all:
I was going to type more but inadvertently clicked “send”, but regardless I feel that it’s really clear and to the point, without “screaming.” He then sent this to me:
Keep in mind that if any of us sent an email like yours, you would take offense. Please just come to us personally if you have something to say because you come off passive and angry and that hasn't changed. It's one sided and you should have the balls to approach your friends instead of spilling your insecurity over not being appreciated. In addition, we are cleaning on Sunday so just because we didn't clean early like you doesn't make us dicks. I don't know about the other fellas, but I always clean after myself and my friends. I'm doing what you do by ranting right now. Just talk to me and the fellas when you get back. Seriously, enough of your emails because it will always be taken the wrong way. Talk To Us.
A few points about this reply:
- He throws around the term “passive” every time we mix it up. If he means passive-aggressive, I think he’d be surprised to learn that such a broad term includes things such as procrastination, obstruction, and ambiguity, all of which he exhibits regularly.
- The reason I avoid face-to-face confrontation with him is because it’s ineffective. “Bob” doesn’t listen to me. He may appear to enthusiastically support my ideas and requests, but then his actions/inactions negate his words (see above re: passive-aggressive). He’s very manipulative and good at getting people to do things they don’t want to do, and he lies to my face. He feels that my emails show a lack of balls, but I feel I’m just picking my battles and not wasting time fighting pointless ones. The other guys are more responsive to these requests, so I talk to them in person. Or for full-house matters, I find it a time-saver to email the three of them, and none of the other two make a fuss. I’m far more eloquent on paper than orally, too, so that’s my take on it.
- It’s not insecurity, it’s the damn truth! My requests (and bans, in the case of my musical equipment being damaged / misused) are simply brushed aside, them assuming I won’t care or won’t find out. It’s the trend of disregarding my boundaries that irritates me.
- I wasn’t calling anyone a dick for not doing it early. I’m fed up with brushing someone else’s crumbs into the sink before I cook a meal, working around piled-up dishes in the sink when I need to clean my own dishes afterwards, etc, and want it done by the weekend. I won’t have this “oh, I’m not cleaning because we can’t all do it simultaneously” crap anymore.
- “I don't know about the other fellas, but I always clean after myself and my friends” – Lie, lie, LIE! But I think he might actually believe that; he may have a higher perception of himself than reality.
I’m not really sure what more I can do here. I don’t see him changing or ever admitting fault. In fact, at the last house, he left his bathroom window open and burglars ransacked his room, took a couple things from my then-roommate’s room, and left me scared ****less as I was asleep in my room the whole time during the break-in (no possessions of mine were taken, but my sense of safety was gone). He has never admitted that he could have left the window open, and dismissed my emotions, saying that he had it worse than me. I was never trying to one-up him, but he insisted that I would only understand if I had $15000 worth of stuff stolen. It’s a different kind of ****ty feeling, indeed, but by refusing my support and blasting my own feelings, I lost a lot of respect for him following that incident.
ANYWAY, like I started to say, I don’t see him ever changing, but I’ve lived with far dirtier people before. And he actually does – e v e n t u a l l y – clean things up. His band bought their own PA system and the lock on my door protects the only other boundary I assert. Nobody says you have to be friends with your roommates, and I can peacefully coexist with him around. These spats won’t go away though, and it’s tiring to have been positioned as the ‘mom’ or the ‘bad cop’, a title which I did not request.
Incidentally, when I got home yesterday the kitchen was allll shiny and clean, and a porcelain butter dish had replaced the broken glass one. I tried to talk to "bob" but he preferred we wait until all 4 of us can talk. As much as I don't want to let his feelings linger, I respect his request for mediation (something which I would prefer too, even though he refused my request the last time he and I had a 'chat'). Interestingly, when I tried to thank another roommate for cleaning the kitchen, he claimed it was all "Bob"'s work. I'm not really sure how I feel about that.
Am I overreacting here? Am I displaying some worse traits or equally bad ones? Admittedly, I will counter his inactions and use passive-aggressive techniques against him, but I find that it’s the only thing that works.
Geez…If you actually read this entire thing, bravo! Hopefully I'm not alone here and someone else can take something from this, if not offer their own personal experiences and insight.
Last edited:
.
) I went to school with because we were spending too much time at either apartment. Then, he asked to have his best mate (Let's call him Will) coming in with us, fine, don't really care. Will was lazy, we had a few talks and in the end Bob told me that we need to have a sit down and I need to tell Will to leave as he did all the heavy talking. I should have said no because it was his mate and I didn't really care.
