Networking for extreme introverts

[krynd]

I've been very unfulfilled with my job lately, and have been looking for another job. I've applied to some jobs I found online, but as we all know, networking is the best way to get a job.

The problem I have is that I am "extremely introverted". I have few friends (none outside of my current job) and no professional "contacts". I don't consider myself antisocial or anything like that. I simply don't care to talk to people because I find it emotionally draining (and in some cases, physically. I've been known to yawn a lot during long conversations; not because I'm bored, but because I'm tired). I don't even use Facebook that much (and don't use LinkedIn at all), for similar reasons. When I do use Facebook, it's usually just to read some posts by groups I subscribe to, and to post some nonsense status update for all 3 people I have (occasionally) reading it.

So, any advice on overcoming this, or at least how to build a solid network in spite of this? (beyond "standard networking tips". I've read a ton of networking books, and none have helped me all that much. I guess I'm just not a naturally "outgoing" kind of a guy and no book will ever fix that)

 

[gaj90027]

Fake it until you make it my friend!

Force yourself to be a more friendly, sociable, interesting and likeable guy. There is no magic switch to make you an extrovert so pretend to be one until it starts feeling more natural. Start by engaging the friends you currently have at work more often, invite them for happy hour, or throw a Taco Tuesday party at your place or BBQ on the weekend etc. Become known for doing something fun and encourage your friends to bring their friends.

If any of your current friends are more social than you are, confide in them and ask for their help as well.

Once you can socialize with people without yawning in their face networking should come naturally. "Hey Bob, thanks for coming to my BBQ again, you work at such and such place right?...got any openings over there, what about John, he works in accounting right, doesn't he know so and so from that awesome company I really want to work at" etc.

It's not something you can nail in a few weeks but give yourself a few months to a year of practice and you will surprise yourself.

Try to talk to one stranger every day, even if it's the person that serves you coffee every day that you don't know their name or where they're from.

If you don't try to change your introverted habits you won't change. Instead of over analyzing the advice just try it.

 

[raisindot]

Unless you're a salesperson, a politician, or an extrovert, job-related networking is extremely difficult for most people, and excruciating for shy people. But the fact that you realize that you do need to do it means that you are willing to give it a try.

Since you do seem to be a shy person, it's really important for you to improve your communication skills and gain a higher level of comfort in talking to people you don't know.

In terms of 'in-person' networking, you would probably be better off getting your feet when in a group setting. If there are local networking groups in your area for your particular field, go to these meetings, and try very hard to talk to people. Chances are, these people are looking for new jobs as well, but they may have people they can recommend you talk to. At the very least, it will help you practice your communication skills and get more comfortable about talking to people.

Next, I would highly recommend that you join a local Toastmaster's club, either at work or in your community. There really is no better organization around to help you hone your communication skills and get over your hesitation about speaking in front of other people. Since many will be in the same boat as you, they'll be extremely supportive and, most importantly, they'll offer suggestions on how you can improve the way you communicate with others.

While you're doing those other things, you should immediately set up a populate a Linkedin account. Create a very robust profile for yourself, add a photo, and then immediately ask everyone you've every worked with (and who would have positive things to say about you) to join your network. If they're willing, ask them to give you recommendations. If anything, recruiters who use LI as a recruiting tool may find you in a search for a position. Secondly, by adding your friends and coworkers to your network, you'll see who they're connected to. Maybe they'll be willing to connect you to talk with their contacts on a completely informal basis.

It's highly unlikely that you'll ever go from being an introvert to an extrovert. Even when you've done it many times, network can still be excruciating, because for most people the hardest thing to do is to talk about themselves. But the more practice you get doing it, the better you'll hopefully get at it. And, most importantly, the more you do, the more people will know who you are.

 

[_JP_]

Sign up on LinkedIn.com. It is a networking site that can help you. You might find yourself with more network contacts than you dreamed of because you'll be linked to other peoples networks as well.

 

[ackvil]

Are there any professional groups or associations in your area of expertise? If so, that is the first place to look.

 

[Musical Shaving]

Ditto on all of the good advice already given. From "What Color is your Parachute" by Bolles (2007): "...first go out and talk to people about anything just to get good at talking to people." Being rather shy myself, I found this to be quite the challenge. Practice, in this case, does make perfect. I looked up the local chess club, joined it and then visited with anyone who would. Of course, I played chess too. No pressure and nothing on the line. Eventually, there was improvement. One small step at a time.

As an aside, consider buying a copy of "What Color is your Parachute" from whatever year you can get. Read it and apply it. There is lots of practical advice to be had in it.

Best of luck!

 

[luvmysuper]

Toastmasters

 

[scottish steve]

I think the key phrase in your original post is "I simply don't care to talk to people because I find it emotionally draining (and in some cases, physically......"

I suggest you look at that. I think anyone who walks around remembering their florist's kids' birthdaysetc is a player and you find people who can strike up a bond with others in seconds, particularly of the opposite sex, tend to be more manipulative than altruistic, but I feel you should look at what is draining about simply talking to someone. Is it your own constant second-guessing or lack of confidence?

 

[krynd]

Thanks for all the advice.

I think the key phrase in your original post is "I simply don't care to talk to people because I find it emotionally draining (and in some cases, physically......"

I suggest you look at that... Is it your own constant second-guessing or lack of confidence?

I'm not sure what it is, exactly. I tend to think of conversations as "verbal jousting" (similar to Khan from Star Trek ("It has been said that, uh, "social occasions" are only warfare concealed.")). As such, I'm constantly thinking of where the conversation's going, what I'm going to say next, what any possible replies are, how I'd respond to them, etc.

Regarding Toastmasters: unfortunately, the local group meets while I'm working, and I doubt I could re-arrange my work schedule to work around this. I'm having enough trouble convincing them to rearrange my work schedule for when I return to college this fall (took a 3-year sabbatical from school for personal reasons, and became the de facto "company man" at work as a result). I'll have to look into other professional groups in my area, but I'm not hopeful as to my ability to attend any of them. Hopefully I'll find something on campus this fall that I can squeeze into between classes (or I may just start a club of my own).

Likewise with outside-of-work socializing. I work while everyone else is at happy hour, and get off work just before the bars close. My "weekends" are Mondays and Wednesdays, so "weekend BBQs" aren't likely either. "Taco Tuesday" (well, Monday/Wednesday), and the like, might be a good idea. I'll ask my coworkers what they'd be interested in.

I'll set up a LinkedIn account on my next day off. Even if I don't update it that often, it's better than not having anything, I suppose.

I've read "What color is your parachute?", but I mostly skimmed it; and the few chapters I've read, I read only from a job-hunters point of view. I'll read a chapter or two after work, reading it as if it were a networking book.

I guess, in the end, I'll just have to "fake it" for a while. C'est la vie.

 

[Captain Pre-Capsize]

Set yourself a simple goal of saying hello to a total stranger each day. That’s it, just hello with a grin. This can be in line at Starbucks or the dry cleaner or wherever. Do it for two weeks. Mark it on the calendar that you have done it. So for two weeks you have a simple hash mark indicating you said hello to one person that day.

Week three begins with saying hello with a grin to one person a day and followed up. So it might sound like, “Good morning.” They respond likewise. “Their dark roast coffee here gets my day off on the right foot.” OR “How do the Cubs sell out Wrigley with such a record?” Etc. Most folks will not engage and that is fine. The best ones are behind the counter at a coffee shop - it is their JOB to engage so start there.

So week three to week six is hello and follow up with one person a day - you can DO that! At the seven week point you ramp it up to two people a day and keep track literally on your calendar. It will be reaffirming and hold you accountable to yourself. You might just be surprised how easy it will become. This is not a skill that goes to the smartest, it is only a question of desire. Do you have the desire to do it? If you do, it becomes easier as you go and will be very fulfilling for you.

I see you having a terrific opportunity here.

 

[riooso]

Toastmasters is very sound advise and has been good advice for many decades.



R

 

[Go West Young Man]

"Networking" is just fancytalk for "making friends", so there are no shortcuts - you have to put in the time and effort to get to know someone on a personal level.

Luckily for you, in the business sense it's a bit easier, you have a built-in set of conversational topics : your job/industry. First, identify your suppliers and your customers - those could be internal (ie anyone who gives you work, and anyone who you give work to) or external to your company. Go to coffee or lunch with them, and ask a lot of questions about their job - shy people don't realize it, but almost everyone likes talking about themselves and will go on forever if you let them! Be like a 2-year old and keep asking "why why why", you'll end up learning a lot!

Get comfortable doing that, then one day go to a social event in your industry. By then you should know a few people on sight; tell them you don't know anyone else there and ask them to introduce you to someone who might be hiring, then start the "what do you do, why do you do it" conversation with that person. Follow up with a "nice to have met you" email the next day, invite them to lunch the next month, the cycle starts all over.

 

[professorchaos]

100GbE over multimode fiber if money isn't an option...

 

[krynd]

Set yourself a simple goal of saying hello to a total stranger each day. That’s it, just hello with a grin. This can be in line at Starbucks or the dry cleaner or wherever. Do it for two weeks. Mark it on the calendar that you have done it. So for two weeks you have a simple hash mark indicating you said hello to one person that day.

Week three begins with saying hello with a grin to one person a day and followed up. So it might sound like, “Good morning.” They respond likewise. “Their dark roast coffee here gets my day off on the right foot.” OR “How do the Cubs sell out Wrigley with such a record?” Etc. Most folks will not engage and that is fine. The best ones are behind the counter at a coffee shop - it is their JOB to engage so start there.

So week three to week six is hello and follow up with one person a day - you can DO that! At the seven week point you ramp it up to two people a day and keep track literally on your calendar. It will be reaffirming and hold you accountable to yourself. You might just be surprised how easy it will become. This is not a skill that goes to the smartest, it is only a question of desire. Do you have the desire to do it? If you do, it becomes easier as you go and will be very fulfilling for you.

I see you having a terrific opportunity here.

I never thought of it that way. For all the video games I play, I'm surprised I didn't draw a parallel to grinding/leveling-up. Thanks for the new perspective!

100GbE over multimode fiber if money isn't an option...

LOL. My wireless router handles everything quite well. If I ever start hosting LAN parties, I'll remember this. Thanks anyway

 

[scottish steve]

Krynd, it sounds like you are seriously lacking in confidence and being too hard on yourself. Most people are perfectly happy to just shoot the breeze, especially in a work situation. You don't need to have them rolling in the aisles or oohing and aahing over your brilliance. Just be nice and don't try too hard. Several things to remember...

It doesn't matter if someone doesn't like you!
The more time you spend thinking about what people think about you, the less time you can spend on figuring out whether you like them or in making the effort to connect with them.
It's ok to not like someone else.
Your colleagues will almost certainly spend very little time analysing your every word after they get home to their families. It's quite clear when somebody has crossed the line and I am sure you will not do that. There is a huge difference between making little impression and being thought antisocial or bad news. So just say the right things and if the conversation comes round to something you're interested in, so much the better.
Another thing to keep clearly in your mind is that other people are of immense value. There is almost certainly at least one person you know who is as honest, hardworking and generous as they come- this might be the cleaner or the boss. It's up to you as a human being to engage with your fellows and see the good and the bad, the whole tapestry of human life before you. The more you are aware of the thousands of dramas, tragedies and little victories taking place all around you, the more you should want to be learn from them.
By a camera and just go out shooting snaps. Get interested in faces and conversations going on.

 

[professorchaos]

LOL. My wireless router handles everything quite well. If I ever start hosting LAN parties, I'll remember this. Thanks anyway

Just adding a little lame humor . FWIIW - Meyers Briggs contends that I am an introvert by nature. If that is the case, I've learned to become an extrovert. I blame an alcohol induced willingness to make an *** of myself.