Jokes that make you groan

[KeithS]

Three junior executives, all old friends, were out carousing on Christmas Eve. On the way to the third bar of the evening, they were all struck by a car and died. When they reached the Golden Gates, St. Peter welcomed them and said they would need to show something that represents the spirit of the season.
The first guy dug through his pockets and all he had was a set of keys. St. Peter asked how they related to Christmas. The guy replied "If you shake them, they sound like Jingle Bells". St. Peter smiled, nodded and let him in.
The next guy pulled out a cigarette lighter. St. peter had a disappointed look on his face , but the guy said ":If you light it and hold it up high, it shines like the Star of Bethlehem." St. Peter was impressed and let him in.
The last guy was STILL digging through ALL of his pockets. The only thing he had was a stripper's G-string. Now, St. Peter looked disgusted. When asked what pray tell they could have to do with Christmas, the guy said "Well, they're CAROL'S.

 

[DunEdinRanger]

How do you measure the length of a sneeze?

By the Gesundheit of course.

 

[TonyH]

Did you hear about the three nuns that were accosted by a flasher?

The first nun had a stroke.

The second nun had a stroke.

The third nun wouldn't touch it.

 

[DunEdinRanger]

What's the cross product of an elephant and a mountain climber?

Zero. The Mountain Climber is a Scalar.

 

[DunEdinRanger]

If someone were to steal a cat, would that be considered a Feliny?

 

[Pkrankow]

I ordered the egg salad sandwich, and the chicken salad sandwich at the diner to see which came first...

Phil

 

[kimfella]

Circle Flies
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, the policeman started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. Then he started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer asked "Having some trouble with circle flies there are ya?"
The cop paused to take another swat and said "Yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."
The cop continued writing for a moment, then says "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing." The officer says, and goes back to writing out the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer added "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

[Go West Young Man]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"​

 

[oc_in_fw]

Sister Mary is visiting a friend at a monastery. She is really impressed with the work they do, and decided to talk to the head priest about joining. He says "We would love to have you, but you have to know up front- you must take a vow of silence". Sister Mary mulls it over for a few minutes and decides to join.

On her fifth anniversary, the priest says "For the last five years you have really worked hard. As a reward, you may now say two words". She says "Hard bed". The priest says "Okay sister, we will get you another bed".

On her 10th anniversary, the priest says "For the last ten years you have really worked hard. As a reward, you may again say two words". She says "Cold food". The priest says "Okay sister, we will ensure your food is served hotter".

On her 15th anniversary, the priest says "For the last fifteen years you have really worked hard. As a reward, you may now say two words". She says "I quit". The priest sighs and says "Well, it is probably for the best. You have done nothing but complain since you got here"

 

[Kentos]

OK, this is a link for the longest joke in the world. It is far to long to post outright. Hence the link. Trust me, if you are a fan of this thread, especially the first half of it, you're going to love this joke. Trust me, it is well worth your time, do not skip ahead!

enjoy...
http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

I read it all...

 

[bkfist]

FRANCE: President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss’s surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin’s tour. Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, "I bet you don’t know the pope." Morton shrugs. "We play golf together." The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who’s the guy in white standing with Morton?"

 

[bkfist]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

 

[oc_in_fw]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sees an old man at the end of the counter, and on the counter in front of him is a really small man playing a really small piano. He decides to go down and find out the story. After pleasantries, the old man begins telling his tale-

"So, I am rummaging through an antique shop, and find this lamp. It was a bit dusty, so I started to wipe it off..."

Not waiting to hear more, the other man grabs the lamp and begins to rub. The old man tries to protest, but the young guy is not listening. Suddenly, a genie appears. "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only" says the genie. The young man says "I want a million bucks"

All of a sudden, the bar become almost a solid mass of ducks. For 20 minutes it is pure and utter chaos, until, at last, the bar tender gets the last duck out of the bar.

The young man gasps "What the hell was that?"

The old man says "I was trying to tell you- the genie is a bit hard of hearing. I mean, do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

 

[bkfist]

Reminded me of:

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I ll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What s your s?"
"I ll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I ll have a half beer, but I m not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I ll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I ll have the same," and the cat says "I ll have a half glass of beer but I m not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it`s close to last call, so I ll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I ll have a small scotch but I m not paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can`t hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That s brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That s right! Whether it s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what s with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight ....."

 

[oc_in_fw]

Reminded me of:

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I ll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What s your s?"
"I ll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I ll have a half beer, but I m not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I ll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I ll have the same," and the cat says "I ll have a half glass of beer but I m not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it`s close to last call, so I ll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I ll have a small scotch but I m not paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can`t hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That s brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That s right! Whether it s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there." says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what s with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight ....."

alright- I am off to tell my co-workers

 

[rajagra]

A Buddhist Monk saved up is money and went for a trip to New York City.
While walking down the street he thought he'd have himself a hot dog from a street vendor.
"I'll have a hot dog please" says the Monk.
"Sure, what'll ya have on it?" replies the vendor.
"Make me one with everything" replies the Monk (get it???)

The Monk chuckles to himself for being so clever. The vendor rolls his eyes and gives him a hot dog.
The Monk pays with a $20 bill and waits patiently for his change from the vendor.
"Excuse me sir, I believe you owe me some money" says the Monk.
The vendor replies "Change must come from within"

 

[polardude1983]

What did the sign say at the drug rehab center? "Stay off the grass"

What did the bunny draw in art class? His Carrotcature

My last job I worked at an orange juice factory, but I got canned, because I could not concentrate.

 

[Price]

Resurrecting this because I was just told a joke that made me actually audibly groan:


What does a nosy pepper do?

Spoiler

It gets jalapeno business.

 

[jd_1138]

A man in the 1940's came in from work and saw a hot pot of something that his wife was cooking up. He grabbed a spoon and had a taste. Just then his wife walked in.

"Um, honey, that is some kinda odd, well I will be honest, that's some bad soup."

"It's not soup, I was boiling the baby's diapers!"

 

[Smott]

Q: Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?
A: Because if it were small, white, and smooth, it'd be an aspirin!

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Q: Where does the king keep his little armies?
A: Up his little sleevies!