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Hey, would you guys read this for me?

I've got a process essay due for my composition class tomorrow, and I was hoping some of you guys could check over it for me and make sure it sounds good. I had to cut alot of stuff because I was about 500 words over the limit. I tried to throw out a simple into into the world of wet shaving, and found it hard to do with a goal of 800 to 1000 words. I just figured that this bunch would the the group to ask for input on it, so here it is.

An Introduction to Wet Shaving
Stop! Are you really about to shave with that canned goo and cheep disposable razor? Don’t you know that’s not good for your skin? The propellants in that canned shaving cream can dry your skin and those disposable razors simply cannot deliver a satisfactory shave without causing unnecessary irritation. What are you supposed to do, you ask? Well, Sir, today is your lucky day. I’m going to tell you a bit about a far superior way to shave, and even the misses will be able to benefit it. It’s called wet shaving.

What is wet shaving? Well, have you ever seen an old film or been to a barber shop and seen someone applying shaving lather with a brush? Well, that lather is amazing for hydrating the skin and lubricates the razor’s travel to reduce irritation. I’m going to tell you how to build a proper shave lather, but first let’s talk about what you’ll need.

To start off you’ll need to get yourself a shaving brush. These can be purchased online and in various retail outlets and there are many to choose from and many are easily obtained in the shaving goods section at virtually any pharmacy, grocery store, or general merchandise store.

Next you’re going to need a mug or bowl to build your lather in. This can be an old coffee mug, soup bowl, or even a specialty mug made specifically for shaving. The key points are to make sure you can grip the vessel firmly, the sides aren’t so shallow that you’ll lose your lather over the sides, and that the opening is wide enough that you can get your brush in there to work up the lather without beating up your knuckles.

Now, of course you’re going to need a shave medium from which to build the later. There is a world of possibilities when it comes to soaps and creams, but for the purposes of your initial outing I suggest picking up one of the old standards available at most major retailers. You can go with a shaving soap like Williams Mug Soap or Van Der Hagen, or a cream such as Prorasso, Head Slick, or Clubman. None of these will cost very much and any of them will serve you well.

Begin building your lather by letting your brush soak in hot water for about ten minutes to soften up the bristles. This softens up the bristles and allows them to soak up some water. Now if you’re using a cream squeeze an almond-sized amount into the bottom of your mug or bowl. If you’re using soap simply drop the puck into the dish and build the lather on the puck. Remove your brush from the hot water, and allow all the extra water to run out of it. Next begin working your shave medium in a circular, in-and-out motion to work up lather similar in consistency to whipped cream. This usually takes about thirty seconds to a minute. If you’re not getting the right volume add more water a drop or two at a time, however; if you’re getting volume but the texture is loose and bubbly you’ll want to add a bit more cream or soap to the mix, because you’ve got too much water. After building your own lather regularly for a while it becomes easier to judge the amount of medium and water needed. Now you’ve got a quality shaving lather.

Apply the lather to your skin by moving the brush over the area in a circular motion for about thirty seconds (I am assuming you’ve washed the area to be shaved diligently). This helps stand the hairs up and distributes the lather fairly evenly. When you’re satisfied that the area is well covered you are ready to shave.

What do you shave with if you’re not supposed to use the cheep disposables? Well, I shave with a straight razor, but I’m not recommending that you make that kind of commitment. You would however do well to get a traditional safety razor. These are the kind that uses the double edged razor blades. You can find them in antiques stores or at various online retailers including eBay. Just make sure you’re getting a trusted brand such as Merkur, Gillette, or Weishi. If you’re not sure about safety razors get yourself a cartridge style razor, but remember…the fewer blades the better. More blades equal more skin irritation no matter what the advertisements say.

During your shave remember to apply as little pressure as possible, and keep the razor at roughly a thirty-degree angle with your skin. Stretch the skin slightly in the opposite direction you are shaving and use short strokes about a half an inch at a time. Rinse your razor after every stroke or two to keep the blade clean of hair, skin, and lather build-up. When you’re done shaving rinse the area with cold water to help close the pores.

Now let’s talk about aftershave. Even women should apply some form of aftershave treatment to help soothe and tone the skin. Alcohol based aftershave splashes are very popular, and there are many aftershave balms on the market. I find that the best aftershave is a home-made balm consisting of fifty percent witch hazel and fifty percent aloe gel. This soothes tones and helps heal the skin.

Welcome to the world of wet shaving! You’ve broken free of wasting your time and money torturing your skin. Pretty soon you’ll start noticing how much better your skin is feeling and looking. Once you’ve gotten comfortable with the process I advise you to do some research. One of the best places to learn more about wet shaving is at the Badger and Blade forum at www.badgerandblade.com. There are many friendly and helpful members there who will be happy to help you out by answering questions about techniques and products or by offering advice.
 
very good, nice intro to everything.

Two things I noticed though - you typo'd cheap as cheep in line 1 and you repeated 'I’m going to tell you' in paragraphs 2 & 3 and it reads a little strangely because of it.
 
I'm too tired to read this in it's entirely at the moment, and I'm no English major, but you've got four instance of "well," in here, which is probably one or two too many. I do like your topic and your voice. :wink2:
 
I would not mention B&B in an essay because it sounds like you are trying to advertise (this is purely my opinion). Get rid of the contractions and write the word "sir" with a lowercase "s" (the one in the first paragraph). Otherwise, excellent work. Depending on which form you are following, you may want to not use first person or to be verbs.
 
An Introduction to Wet Shaving
Stop! Are you really about to shave with that canned goo and cheap disposable razor? Don’t you know that’s not good for your skin? The propellants in that canned shaving cream can dry your skin and those disposable razors simply cannot deliver a satisfactory shave without causing unnecessary irritation. What are you supposed to do, you ask? Well, today is your lucky day. I am going to introduce you to a far superior way to shave, and even the missus will be able to benefit from it. It’s called wet shaving.

What is wet shaving? Have you ever seen an old film or been to a barber shop and seen someone applying shaving lather with a brush? Well, that lather is amazing for hydrating the skin and lubricates the razor to reduce irritation. I’m going to tell you how to build a proper shave lather, but first let’s talk about what you’ll need.

To start off you’ll need to get yourself a shaving brush. These can be purchased online and in various retail outlets. There are many to choose from and many are easily obtained in the shaving goods section at virtually any pharmacy, grocery store, or general merchandise store.

Next you’re going to need a mug or bowl to build your lather in. This can be an old coffee mug, soup bowl, or even a specialty mug made specifically for shaving. The key points are to make sure you can grip the vessel firmly, the sides aren’t so shallow that you’ll lose your lather over the sides, and that the opening is wide enough that you can get your brush in there to work up the lather without beating up your knuckles.

Now, of course you’re going to need a shave medium from which to build the later. There are a world of possibilities when it comes to soaps and creams, but for the purposes of your initial outing I suggest picking up one of the old standards available at most major retailers. You can go with a shaving soap like Williams Mug Soap or Van Der Hagen, or a cream such as Prorasso, Head Slick, or Clubman. None of these will cost very much and any of them will serve you well.

Begin building your lather by letting your brush soak in hot water for about ten minutes to soften up the bristles. Now if you’re using a cream squeeze an almond-sized amount into the bottom of your mug or bowl. If you’re using soap simply drop the puck into the dish and build the lather on the puck. Remove your brush from the hot water, and allow all the extra water to run out of it. Next begin working your shave medium in a circular, in-and-out motion to work up lather similar in consistency to whipped cream. This usually takes about thirty seconds to a minute. If you’re not getting the right volume add more water a drop or two at a time. However, if you’re getting volume but the texture is loose and bubbly you’ll want to add a bit more cream or soap to the mix, because you’ve got too much water. After building your own lather regularly for a while it becomes easier to judge the amount of medium and water needed. Now you’ve got a quality shaving lather.

Apply the lather to your skin by moving the brush over the area in a circular motion for about thirty seconds (I am assuming you’ve washed the area to be shaved diligently). This helps stand the hairs up and distributes the lather fairly evenly. When you’re satisfied that the area is well covered you are ready to shave.

What do you shave with if you’re not supposed to use the cheep disposables? Well, I shave with a straight razor, but I’m not recommending that you make that kind of commitment. You would however do well to get a traditional safety razor. These are the kind that uses the double edged razor blades. You can find them in antiques stores or at various online retailers including eBay. Just make sure you’re getting a trusted brand such as Merkur, Gillette, or Weishi. If you’re not sure about safety razors get yourself a cartridge style razor, but remember…the fewer blades the better. More blades equal more skin irritation no matter what the advertisements say.

During your shave remember to apply as little pressure as possible, and keep the razor at roughly a thirty-degree angle against your skin. Stretch the skin slightly in the opposite direction you are shaving and use short strokes about a half an inch at a time. Rinse your razor after every stroke or two to keep the blade clean of hair, skin, and lather build-up. When you’re done shaving rinse the area with cold water to help close the pores.

Now let’s talk about aftershave. Even women should apply some form of aftershave treatment to help soothe and tone the skin. Alcohol based aftershave splashes are very popular, and there are many aftershave balms on the market as well. I find that the best aftershave is a homemade balm consisting of fifty percent witch hazel and fifty percent aloe gel. This soothes and tones and helps heal the skin.

Welcome to the world of wet shaving! You’ve broken free of wasting your time and money torturing your skin. Pretty soon you’ll start noticing how much better your skin is looking and feeling. Once you’ve gotten comfortable with the process I advise you to do some research. One of the best places to learn more about wet shaving is at the Badger and Blade forum at www.badgerandblade.com. There are many friendly and helpful members there who will be happy to help you out by answering your questions about techniques and products or by offering sage advice.
Not too bad. I could pick it apart for a while, but lets not go there. I have bolded any areas where a small change in spelling or phrasing occurred. I would recommend you use a few less contractions. Instead of you'll, you've, and you're go with you will, you have, you are instead.

Best of luck.
 
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I've got a process essay due for my composition class tomorrow, and I was hoping some of you guys could check over it for me and make sure it sounds good. I had to cut alot of stuff because I was about 500 words over the limit. I tried to throw out a simple into into the world of wet shaving, and found it hard to do with a goal of 800 to 1000 words. I just figured that this bunch would the the group to ask for input on it, so here it is.

An Introduction to Wet Shaving
Stop! Are you really about to shave with that canned goo and cheap disposable razor? Don’t you know thats not good for your skin? The propellants in that canned shaving cream can dry your skin. and those Disposable razors simply cannot deliver a satisfactory shave without causing unnecessary irritation. What are can you supposed to do you ask? Well, Sir, today is your lucky day. I’m going to tell you a bit about a far superior way to shave, and even the missesLadies will be able to enjoy the process. benefit frit.It is called "Wet shaving".

What is wet shaving? Well have you ever seen an In old films or have you been to a barber shop and seen someone applying shaving lather with a brush? Well, That lather is amazing for hydrating the skin and lubricates the razor blade travel to reduce irritation. I’m going to tell you how to build a proper shave lather. but first Let’s talk about what you’ll need.

To start off You’ll need to get yourself a shaving brush. These can be purchased online and in various retail outlets. and There are many to choose from, and many are easily obtained in the shaving goods section at virtually any pharmacy, grocery store, or general merchandise store.

Next you’re going to need a mug or bowl to build your lather in. This can be an old coffee mug, soup bowl, or even a specialty mug made specifically for shaving. The key points are to make sure you can grip the vessel firmly, the sides aren’t so shallow that you’ll lose your lather over the sides, and that the opening is wide enough that you can get your brush in there to work up the lather without beating up your knuckles.

Now, of course you’re going to need a shavesoap or cream medium from which to build the lather. There is a world of are many possibilities when it comes to soaps and creams, but for the purposes of your initial outing I suggest picking up one of the old standardscommonly available at most major retailers. You can go with a shaving soap like Williams Mug Soap or Van Der Hagen, or a cream such as Prorasso, Head Slick, or Clubman. None of these will cost very much and any of them will serve you well.

To begin building your lather, by letting Have your brush soaking in hot water for about ten minutes to soften up the bristles. This softens up the bristles and allows them to soak up some water. Now if you’re using a cream squeeze an almond-sized amount into the bottom of your mug or bowl. If you’re using soap simply drop the puck into the dish and build the lather on the puck. Remove your brush from the hot water, and allow all the extra water to run out of it. Next begin working your shave medium in a circular, in-and-out motion to work up lather similar in consistency to whipped cream. This usually takes about thirty seconds to a minute. If you’re not getting the right volume add more water a drop or two at a time, however; if you’re getting volume but the texture is loose and bubbly you’ll want to add a bit more cream or soap to the mix, because you’ve got too much water. After building your own lather regularly for a while it becomes easier to judge the amount of medium and water needed. Now you’ve got a quality shaving lather.

Apply the lather to your skin by moving the brush over the area in a circular motion for about thirty seconds (I am assuming you’ve washed the area to be shaved diligently). This helps stand the hairs up and distributes the lather fairly evenly. When you’re satisfied that the area is well covered you are ready to shave.

What do you shave with if you’re not supposed to use the cheap disposables? Well, I shave with a straight razor, but I’m not recommending that you make that kind of commitment. You would however do well to get a traditional safety razor. These are the kind that uses the double edged razor blades. You can find them in antiques stores or at various online retailers including eBay. Just make sure you’re getting a trusted brand such as Merkur, Gillette, or Weishi. If you’re not sure about safety razors get yourself a cartridge style razor, but remember…the fewer blades the better. More blades equal more skin irritation no matter what the advertisements say.

During your shave remember to apply as little pressure as possible, and keep the razor at roughly a thirty-degree angle with your skin. Stretch the skin slightly in the opposite direction you are shaving and use short strokes about a half an inch at a time. Rinse your razor after every stroke or two to keep the blade clean of hair, skin, and lather build-up. When you’re done shaving rinse the area with cold water to help close the pores.

Now let’s talk about aftershave. EvenBoth men and women should apply some form of aftershave treatment to help soothe and tone the skin. Alcohol based aftershave splashes are very popular. and there are many aftershave balms on the market. I find that the best aftershave is a home-made balm consisting of fifty percent witch hazel and fifty percent aloe gel. This soothes tones and helps heal the skin.

Welcome to the world of wet shaving! You’ve broken free of wasting your time and money torturing your skin. Pretty soon you’ll start noticing how much better your skin is feeling and looking. Once you’ve gotten comfortable with the process I advise suggest you to do some research. One of the best places to learn more about wet shaving is at the Badger & Blade forum at www.badgerandblade.com. There are many The members are friendly and helpful members there who and would be happy to help you out by answering your questions about techniques and products. or by offering advice.


Here is a start, ran out of steam.
 
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Lots I could do to tighten that up for you, but it's your work and if it gets doctored by too many hands, it won't be.

Just agreeing with many others here. Watch your contractions (isn't/won't etc) depending on the acedemic assessment you're subjecto, they may not be approporaiate.

Look for repetition and excessive description, there's a fair bit in there and it makes for laboured reading. But the info is good.
 
Lots I could do to tighten that up for you, but it's your work and if it gets doctored by too many hands, it won't be.

Just agreeing with many others here. Watch your contractions (isn't/won't etc) depending on the acedemic assessment you're subjecto, they may not be approporaiate.

Look for repetition and excessive description, there's a fair bit in there and it makes for laboured reading. But the info is good.

I can't remember the exact quote, but I believe it was attributed to Mark Twain and went something along the lines of: "when you are tempted to use the word 'very' in your writing, replace it with 'damn.' Your editor will remove it, and your writing will be as it should have been to begin with."
 
I can't remember the exact quote, but I believe it was attributed to Mark Twain and went something along the lines of: "when you are tempted to use the word 'very' in your writing, replace it with 'damn.' Your editor will remove it, and your writing will be as it should have been to begin with."
Another fine one from Twain was "Sorry for the long letter, but I didn't have time for a shorter one."

The inference being, good writing starts with a first draft, and gets whittled down to all that is needed, and no more.
 
Hi,

Is it for a University level or lower piece? (No idea on your age, sorry....)

I've gone through it (what does one more add to the 50 I've already got to mark :D).......

Just my opinion, so don't take this as a final edit or anything.... read the other suggestions, none of us are infallible, use all the essay re-writes to get close to something you are happy with and that reads correctly. Remember your essay needs to be neat, tidy and conform to your rubric. Good Luck

I teach essay writing as a foundation course, and the above tips are spot on; NO: It's, They're, Don't etc. always the full words. Try getting hold of the Chicago manual of Style (If you are university level your Uni' may well have a free subscription to it). Does your essay need to be referenced and bibliographied? I've cut where I can but added elsewhere, so be aware, but I generally give my students 10% either way (over or under). Don't be colloquial either unless it is strictly in line with either your rubric or part of your argument (i.e if the essay is about 19th century shaving slang).

Here you go (Word count is now under 900....):

An Introduction to Wet Shaving:

Stop! Are you really about to shave with that “canned goo” and cheap disposable razor? Do you not know that it is not good for your skin? The propellants in canned shaving cream can dry your skin and disposable razors cannot deliver a satisfactory shave without causing irritation. What are you supposed to do, you ask? I am going to introduce you to a far superior way to shave, and even your wife will benefit from it. It’s called wet shaving.

What is wet shaving? In old films or have you ever been to a barber shop and seen someone applying shaving lather with a brush? Lather is amazing for hydrating the skin and lubricates the razor’s blade, which reduces irritation. I am going to tell you how to build a proper shave lather, but first let’s talk about what you’ll need.

You will need a shaving brush; these can be purchased online and in various retail outlets. There are many styles and makes to choose from and they are easily obtained in the shaving section at any pharmacy, grocery store, or even your local Wal-Mart.

Next you are going to need a mug or bowl to build your lather in. This can be an old coffee mug, soup bowl, or even a specialty ‘Scuttle’ made for shaving. Make sure you can grip the vessel firmly, it is important that the sides are not so shallow that you will lose your lather over the sides, and that the opening is wide enough that you can get your brush in there to work up the lather without catching your knuckles.

You are going to need a shaving soap or cream from which to build the lather. When it comes to soaps and creams, there are many types to choose from, but for the purposes of your initial outing I suggest picking up one of the commonly available creams or soaps. You can try a shaving soap like Williams Mug Soap or Van Der Hagen; or a cream such as Prorasso, Head Slick, or Clubman. These are versatile, perform well and are affordable.

To begin building your lather you need to soak your brush in hot water for around ten minutes to soften up the bristles, I suggest using this time to shower to soften your stubble at the same time. If you are using a cream squeeze an almond-sized amount into the bottom of your mug or bowl. If you are using soap, simply drop the puck into the dish and build the lather on the puck. Remove your brush from the hot water, and allow all the extra water to run out of it. Then begin working your shave medium, in a circular, in-and-out motion to work up lather similar in consistency similar to whipped cream [PERHAPS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN APPENDIX AND ADD A FEW "YOUTUBE" RIPS OF "MANTICS" VIDEOS, TO ILLUSTRATE THE HARDER TO DESCRIBE POINTS?]. This usually takes thirty seconds to a minute. [If you are not getting the right volume add more water a drop or two at a time, however; if you are getting volume but the texture is loose and bubbly you will want to add a bit more cream or soap to the mix, because you have got too much water. After building your own lather regularly for a while it becomes easier to judge the amount of medium and water needed. – I WOULD SUGGEST DUMPING THIS BIT ALTOGETHER]
Apply the lather by moving the brush over your beard area in a circular motion for about thirty seconds. This motion helps stand the hair to stand up; when you are satisfied that the area is well covered you are ready to shave.

What do you shave with if you are not supposed to use cheap disposable razors? You would do well to get a traditional safety razor, these use double edged razor blades, you can later, graduate to a straight razor if you wish. You can find them readily online from retailers such as eBay, or through spe......t shaving sites. If you are not sure about safety razors get yourself a cartridge razor, remember though… the fewer blades the better; more blades equal more skin irritation no matter what the advertisements say.

During your shave remember to apply as little pressure as possible, and keep the razor at roughly a thirty-degree angle with your skin. Stretch the skin slightly in the opposite direction you are shaving and use short strokes about a half an inch at a time. Rinse your razor after every stroke or two to keep the blade clean of hair, skin, and lather build-up. When you’re done shaving rinse the area with cold water to help close the pores.

Now let us talk about aftershave. Men and women should apply some form of aftershave treatment to help soothe and tone the skin after a shave. Alcohol based aftershave splashes are very popular. I find that the best aftershave is a home-made balm consisting of fifty percent witch hazel and fifty percent aloe gel. This soothes, tones and helps to heal the skin.

Welcome to the world of wet shaving! You have broken free of wasting your time and money, and of torturing your skin; you will start to notice how much better your skin is feeling and looking. [Sorry I had to remove the link – Try adding a link in a couple of places as a footnote to denote where you have got material from, otherwise the whole thing looks like a B&B advert]

Read it back through, out loud :D

ATB,
Tom
 
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It's a well written essay, but I wondered at times if you are assuming your target audience knows things they don't.

This was especially apparent in the section where you talked about pulling the skin during the shave.

Remember, your target audience uses canned goo, and the cheapest razors they can find.

They have likely never heard of wet shaving, and are 100% oblivious to anything related to technique.

Also, your target audience has likely never seen true Whipped Cream. So when you say whipped cream, they are going to be thinking of Cool Whip, which has an entirely different consistency. This is why most of the time, we tell newbies the consistency should be that of yogurt.
 
Surprising what your brain tells you it says, then you read it aloud and realise your talking total gobbledygook.... LOL

Tom

I find that reading a paper silently, my brain just ads words or punctuation as needed. I don't magically edit as needed when I read aloud. :001_smile
 
I can't remember the exact quote, but I believe it was attributed to Mark Twain and went something along the lines of: "when you are tempted to use the word 'very' in your writing, replace it with 'damn.' Your editor will remove it, and your writing will be as it should have been to begin with."
One of my damn favorite Twain quotes.
 
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