Got it together?

[miamijuggler]

This may be a bit of a rant, so fair warning.

Despite the fact that I hate posting any kind of personal information about myself on the internet, I suppose it's kind of crucial to provide my ramblings with some context in this case.

As it happens, I am twenty-seven years old. Now for whatever reason, twenty-seven always sounded to me like the age where everything starts coming together. Regardless of how politically incorrect it may or may not be, we each have certain assumptions about a person who is twenty-seven years old. Or any age, for that matter. A fourteen-year-old probably doesn't know how to drive. A seventy-five year old is probably retired. A thirty-five year old has probably already chosen a career, a spouse (or lack of one), and a more-or-less permanent living arrangement.

I will even go so far as to posit that these assumptions are not just social stereotypes, but are statistical averages that cover the simple majority of the population in so-called "developed" nations.

And I know that as we like to say in the forums, your mileage may vary, so I'm sure there are a lot of statistical outliers: people who are just starting college at age twenty-five, or who already are already married, have a family, and have kids.

My aim here is not to compare myself (or anyone else, for that matter) against some mythical socioeconomic barometer of "progress" (whatever that means), but instead to ask a question that deals with more fundamental elements of what it means to be an adult in our society.

In short (and pardon my deleted expletive):

Does anyone else know what the %*@! they're doing?

Seriously, I don't feel intellectually or emotionally more ready to face the world every morning than I did when I was fourteen. The condition was accurately paraphrased (albeit with a bit of humorous hyperbole) in the webcomic XKCD recently.

http://www.xkcd.com/616/

Now granted, my late-model car payment, my rent, my credit cards are all paid on time, I have a wonderful girlfriend of five years, I have stable job (thank goodness), and am working on finishing up my undergraduate degree part time. By my own standards, it would seem like I pretty much "have it together." But the more I think about it, the more it seems to me that being an adult is simply being able to convince everybody else that you actually know what you're doing.

Which brings me to the reason why I'm bringing this up at all, and of all places on the what the kids call "The InterWebs."

After being a member here for a couple weeks, digging through various threads, reviews, and advice, I've come to realize that this place is an Eden among Internet Forums. The people that populate this forum are far more positive, understanding, patient, and (dare I say) cultured and intelligent than on any other internet forum I've encountered to date. In addition, it appears that we have a good cross-section of age ranges among our members, as opposed to the hyper-masculine, antagonistic 18-25 demographic that usually populates the PlayStation breed of internet forums.

So I ask again, to anyone who is still reading this far down the page: Does anyone actually feel confident that they what they're doing?

Does anyone else in my age group feel this way? Does anyone else younger than me feel like this? To the "more experienced" gentlemen: does this go away? Is it just a normal part of the transition from youth to adulthood?

Or is this perhaps a comment on the extension of youth that our consumerist society is bent on pursuing? Is the ultimate result of the pursuit of youth and excess merely to be eventually stuck in the middle?

There is of course, more to discuss here, but I feel like I've ranted long enough, and I want to hold something back so that I can respond to your comments intelligently.

Also, one last thing: I'm not taking this thing TOO seriously, so feel free to chime in with obnoxious one-liners and witty retorts. Extra points for bad puns. More points for good ones.

So with that, I'm off to go shave my existential stubble.

Thank you for your time.



Feathers and Personnas,

--Miamijuggler

 

[Gruder]

My witty retort: Isn't this how Fight Club started?

My serious advice: Your life is your own. Own it. I've gone through the sorts of crises of consciousness you describe before. What tends to help me emerge from these is the thought that a: there are things I am good at, and b) I can use those things to make the lives of others better. I hope that helps, even slightly.

For what it's worth, I'd say that your feelings are a normal by-product of a society that has a vastly extended period of child-rearing (some 21 years, in many cases), even as compared to 100 years ago. Social science-types (of which I'm one) back me up on this.

 

[luvmysuper]

I'm closer to 52 than 51 years old, I started working full time to support myself when I was 16. I have traveled all over the world, and been fired upon and returned fire in hostile lands.
My bosses have always promoted me early, and were always full of praise with words like reliable, innovative, loyal and others that you would tend to associate with someone who knows where the next step falls.
But the truth of the matter is that few of us are certain what that next step is. We have dreams of what we perceive would be the next logical step, but it seldom works out as we had planned.
I think to some extent, we all just muddle along, and those with some modicum of integrity just try to do the best they can given the often bizarre situations that life is so adamant about thrusting upon us.
I have known and worked with people of all ages, and rash immaturity is no stranger to the elderly as rational, experienced and well thought out action is no stranger to the young.
To do the best, truly - to do the best with what you have been dealt is the most that you can hope for.
In the end, it's how people remember you when they are sitting alone and thinking of you that is the measure of your mark.

 

[Lynchmeister]

Miamijuggler, I think we have all been there at more than one occasion in our lives. I believe you do, in fact, have it together.

Phil, very well said. Thank you.

 

[castlecraver]

MiamiJ,

As a fellow 27-year-old, I feel the same way most of the time. I don't really have a goddamned clue to be perfectly honest. I was actually lamenting to a friend just today how when you get to be our age, you have to face up to some pretty blunt truths about life in general. It's disconcerting to say the least.

I wish I had a good answer for you. But in fitting with the theme of the thread, I don't. Sometimes it feels like we almost have to make a concious decision whether to obfuscate or admit my shortcomings, and it's not an easy choice when the expectations start to stack up.

I feel like I'm in the same boat in many ways -- strangely, my life is pretty much exactly like I saw myself now ten years ago. But I'm nowhere near as comfortable with things as I thought I'd be. This sort of leads me to the hypothesis that what we're feeling is more universal than most folks care to acknowledge. And I do find a small bit of solace having (perhaps fooling myself into beleving I've) tapped into that shared aspect of our human nature, failings and fragility.

All we can do is use our best judgement and push ahead, because really, what's the alternative? Never venture outside your comfort zone? Cower away from every challenge? No. Fortune favors the bold.

 

[wedwards]

If I understand correctly, I think what you are saying is that you have all the tools for life, you have had the education in how to use the tools, but you lack the comparative "experience" of a 50, 60, 70 year old who has seen the world over a few times.

A somewhat more experienced person would be able to rely on those experiences to better understand what "works" and what doesnt work in life (although, in my opinion I think its possible to get to a ripe old age and still not have actual experiences upon which to base certain decisions).

Having said that, I am 32 and can relate to what you are saying. I dont believe when I am 100 that I would feel too much different either - i would just have more years of experience to use as a basis for what to do/not to do (if I still have all my sandwiches in the basket at that stage, which frankly is unlikely ).

 

[FreezerBurns]

Keep doing what you're doing my friend. And to repeat advice previously stated: push ahead.

Here's why:
Opportunites present themselves at unexpected, unlooked for, and unpredictable times. The key is recognizing an opportunity when it knocks.

I'm similar to your age and my life has changed DRASTICALLY in the past couple of years thanks to opportunity.

 

[KarthVader]

I'm closer to 52 than 51 years old, I started working full time to support myself when I was 16. I have traveled all over the world, and been fired upon and returned fire in hostile lands.
My bosses have always promoted me early, and were always full of praise with words like reliable, innovative, loyal and others that you would tend to associate with someone who knows where the next step falls.
But the truth of the matter is that few of us are certain what that next step is. We have dreams of what we perceive would be the next logical step, but it seldom works out as we had planned.
I think to some extent, we all just muddle along, and those with some modicum of integrity just try to do the best they can given the often bizarre situations that life is so adamant about thrusting upon us.
I have known and worked with people of all ages, and rash immaturity is no stranger to the elderly as rational, experienced and well thought out action is no stranger to the young.
To do the best, truly - to do the best with what you have been dealt is the most that you can hope for.
In the end, it's how people remember you when they are sitting alone and thinking of you that is the measure of your mark.

The exact pick-me-up I needed. Luvmysuper, you're words are timeless.

 

[KarthVader]

Although I'm younger than the OP, I'm right there with him, although I'm in much more dire straights. I recently received a letter from myself that I had written as a high school senior in 2004. I read it and I weeped. I realized how much I had changed in 5 years. I used to be relentless, always positive and tireless. I am none of those things now. As some of you might know, I am currently looking for a job; I'm two weeks in and I don't have much to look forward to. I never thought I would be jobless, girlfriendless and living with my parents at age 23.

The world has a pretty crappy way of making fun of you.

The letter I wrote to myself pointed out that I had strayed very far from what I actually wanted out of life. I am now slowly rebuilding myself and my dreams. So, just like I got advice from younger self, I would say to you, the OP, that you should enjoy life while it's good. If it goes bad, then just remember the good times and hold on for dear life.

 

[TimmyBoston]

As a 28 year old. I feel just as lost as you.

 

[Cutter]

Everyone feels lost sometimes. All you can do is put family first, try to keep a sense of humor, and remember who your friends are. Every day you wake up is a good day. Wow, that`s deep. Think i`ll go act silly for a while.

 

[saltypete]

Although I'm younger than the OP, I'm right there with him, although I'm in much more dire straights. I recently received a letter from myself that I had written as a high school senior in 2004. I read it and I weeped. I realized how much I had changed in 5 years. I used to be relentless, always positive and tireless. I am none of those things now. As some of you might know, I am currently looking for a job; I'm two weeks in and I don't have much to look forward to. I never thought I would be jobless, girlfriendless and living with my parents at age 23.

The world has a pretty crappy way of making fun of you.

The letter I wrote to myself pointed out that I had strayed very far from what I actually wanted out of life. I am now slowly rebuilding myself and my dreams. So, just like I got advice from younger self, I would say to you, the OP, that you should enjoy life while it's good. If it goes bad, then just remember the good times and hold on for dear life.

Mate stick at it. I know things can seem bad. I am in a situation not dissimilar to yours (and I am nearly 30). It sounds like you are doing it tough but when I think of all I have gone through and I am proud of where I've come from exactly because I had to do it tough. Plenty of people don't make it, and the fact that you are hanging in there is important. You WILL be a better person because of the hardships you are enduring now. Churchill is quoted as saying 'When you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!!'. I keep that quote on my study wall and have found it to be excellent advice.

Respectfully
Pete

 

[RBE17]

My witty retort: Isn't this how Fight Club started?

Careful, you might break the first rule.

 

[Chimensch]

I'm 61. A lot of years ago I read one of those humorous items that they used to post on bulletin boards. It said, "This life is a test. It is only a test. If this were an actual life, you would have been given more precise instructions about what to do and who to listen to."

In more philosphical terms, for me it's about the meaning and purpose of life. So far I haven't discovered either so I assume that we were put here to invent them.

I've read that in ancient societies, children were required by law to follow their father's occupation. Today, we have much more freedom and don't have our lives laid out for us by others and this profusion of choices leads to that sense of not knowing what to do next.

What happens is that we make a series of choices and find ourselves in a routine that more or less works. We then go with the flow because it's easy until something happens (divorce, loss of a job, etc.) that derails the train. At a certain point we realize that we're not getting and younger and that we're losing our best faculties. That the end of life is closer than the beginning. At that point, we stop worrying about we should be doing and just concentrate on trying to keep doing what we've been doing.

But I don't think that we ever get a totally satisfactory answer as to what it's all about.

My two cents. Oh, and...

 

[Emmett]

I felt like this during most of high school and through college and my first post-college job. I'm 26 now and have (I hope) mostly moved beyond it. I think the feeling is very common, and has to do with realizing that the things we are taught about being an adult don't really have anything to do with it beyond the most shallow superficial level. Keep trying, man, talk to people who care, figure out what's really important to you, and you will get through and someday be the man you want to be.

 

[82R100]

I'm closer to 53 than 52 years old (hah!) and am positively baffled by this passage of time thing. Unlike the OP and some of the ensuing posters, I didn't dwell much on my lack of maturity or connectedness. I wasn't mature enough to do so. Instead, I got married straight out of college (well, actually, three days later) moved across the country and started work at a large impersonal manufacturer of commercial airplanes located somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. With all of this change in my life, with my personal freedom vastly curtailed to married life and corporate slavery I, perhaps, should have been anxious and depressed. Not me. Didn't have a clue. Ignorance was bliss.

At my most recent job, I was in the unfortunate habit of periodically marvelling at how much older I was than many of my coworkers. I wasn't trying to point out their lack of experience (or my surplus of the same). I was flat out amazed to find out that I was getting old. Hell, even Sally Field (Gidget, in my mind) is starting to look a little old. The older you get, the faster it starts to fly by.

I guess my point is: if you're that concerned about your lack of preparedness and maturity, then you're a heck of a lot more self-aware than the rest of us.

- Chris

 

[Confuzius]

I'm 26. Decent job, decent apartment, great girlfriend, and I have absolutely no clue when I'm supposed to be "a grown-up". I feel the same as I did when I was 16. I've been working since I was 12, that may play a part in it...

Things used to be a lot worse, I went through a mini quarter-life crisis when I was 20, living at home, marginally employed and girlfriendless, but things have picked up since then.

I had another mini crisis when I turned 24 and realized that by 24 my parents were married, owned a house and had their first kid, me.

Even though my parents are 50 now, the more I know them as friends, the less "grown-up" and "together" they seem, so who knows, maybe it is all just some sort of societal illusion.

I figure just keep taking advantages of opportunities that come your way, and occasionally (or more often) make opportunities happen for yourself and everything will work out and remember it's the journey, not the destination, or something else suitably zen and quotable.

 

[sol92258]

My serious advice: Your life is your own. Own it. I've gone through the sorts of crises of consciousness you describe before. What tends to help me emerge from these is the thought that a: there are things I am good at, and b) I can use those things to make the lives of others better. I hope that helps, even slightly.

For what it's worth, I'd say that your feelings are a normal by-product of a society that has a vastly extended period of child-rearing (some 21 years, in many cases), even as compared to 100 years ago. Social science-types (of which I'm one) back me up on this.

I'll agree with the "age of making children accept responsibility and accountability" remark
that is a big problem, kids at 21 still behaving in a manner they should have abandoned at 14....and they're now able to vote, drink, drive, smoke, etc. - BIG PROBLEM!

but I don't think this is particularly the OP's issue (not saying you do, just trying to stay on course...neither of us know the OP personally)

I'm 61. A lot of years ago I read one of those humorous items that they used to post on bulletin boards. It said, "This life is a test. It is only a test. If this were an actual life, you would have been given more precise instructions about what to do and who to listen to."

I like that quote!
I'm going to use it!

okay, as a closer_to_33_than_32_year_old, I will say:
A) I don't have it together
B) I seldom know what the next step is
C) AAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

I love that LKCD, by the way, I posted it several places that morning it came out

1) keep living your life, step by step, as best you can. plan for the future, live in the now. be responsible, accountable, dependable.
be the best you can be, and live right. we're all just trying this at this thing. anyone that tells you they have it all down is lying, or deceiving themselves.
true, some have it figured out more than others, but no one has it totally down.
life throws lots of curveballs - but the ones that are doing the day to day things will be the best prepared to adjust, as opposed to the ones that have it down according to their own minds.

2) personally, I believe there is more to life than "us". I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, and believe there is higher calling to all people, and in the chain of events the big part that we see as "missing" is a restored relationship with God. I believe that is an integral part of making our way through life.
not everyone believes that way, that's fine. I'm not trying to sway anyone here, just putting my experience out to maybe help a little. perhaps that is something you're struggling with, perhaps not, but there it is.
For me personally, it is those times that I'm most unsure, and have walked in faith through the times I've been unsure of myself that God has directed me through and blessed me more than I could imagine.

So, no, you're not at all alone in this thing, or in your feelings about it. Don't force yourself to fit into any kind of stereotype, that may not be your path in life. Anyone who tries to make themselves fit a social standard is setting themselves up for disaster. I know men and women who never married until their 40's, never went to college til their 50's, never decided what they wanted in life til after they retired. Did they miss some opportunities? possibly. but they went about as best they knew and were happy.
when we try to fit social norms - either in our teens for the "right" clothes, events, gear, etc; or as young adults for the "right" cars, jobs, social activites; or whatever - we usually make ourselves miserable for not being ourselves.

just my 2/100ths of a $

 

[O.G.]

Im near your age I'm thrity and I just have started to understand what is going on. Sometimes its more science than art for some but you need both. What is going on is all in your mind!!!! Really the world your viewing is based on your expectations. If you want something you MUST focus upon that and have faith that it will be. Dont worry about the way that it will happen, just know without a doubt that it will. Find opportunities to be thankful for what you have and thankful for what you are focused on that you know you will have. What going on is all in yor mind and you cannot allow other channels that are brodcast by other minds to keep reprograming your life.

Whats going on is there is no spoon?!

Gentelman and Ladies who read this, tell me can this outlook change ones life since really we only complain about nothing. Some complain cause things aren't the way they want but they could and can be with a new way of thought that doesnt cause any hardship for other.

 

[blackfoot]

You know, I am 31. I, too, had images of what life was like for 30-somethings. Guess what, I was wrong. I have no clue. I try not to truly bare my soul like this in public often, but here goes. Towards the end of January, I went through one of the worst times of my life. As mentioned, you have to face some basic truths. I didn't handle this well. I have worked at a place for six years. I can receive one more promotion, maybe, and then I am at the top. This isn't a job people intend to do all of their lives. I have no college education and no skills that are in demand. My little brother makes quite a bit more than me. I will probably never make a whole lot more than I am now. There are a lot of things I thought I would do and never did. I wanted to have kids before I was 30, and didn't.

Like I said, I didn't handle this well. I was very foolish and it nearly cost me my marriage and life. My job was even affected. I went into a deep depression. I was in a very dark place.

When I was at the lowest point of my life, I realised something. When I say lowest, I don't mean week or month. I mean five minutes. At that moment, I remembered my Grandma. Of everyone in the family, we understood each other more than anyone else. When I was going through some problems, I spoke to her. She said that she couldn't do what I did and that if you endure, you will come out stronger. She told me, from what she saw, life could never throw anything at me I couldn't handle. I'm not done fighting yet.

It was during this that I found B&B. This place gave me a positive place to focus my energies for a little while. I rebooted and started putting my life back together. I still work the same job, still have no money, and no kids. I still don't know where I am going. But I do know this. I am going to have one hell of a time getting there! And I will be the best shaven guy there, too.

You said you aren't taking this too seriously. Good, don't. There is nothing worthwhile down that road. Like it or not, life is a game. The goal isn't to win. The goal is to get to the end with panache and to live a life upright, honourable and worthy for being proud of. I am leaving religion out of this strictly for neutrality's sake. That is the closest thing I have to advice. Not knowing where you are at or where you are going doesn't mean you are lost.