B&B I need relationship advice!

[Cygnus]

I need advice from people who have more wisdom in the realm of relationships than a young whippersnapper like me.

This is a relatively convoluted story, but I'll do the best I can to explain it well...essentially, there's this girl whom I've been emotionally involved with for about two years now. We dated for about a year (on and off, she broke up with me a number of times, I broke up with her once), though the formal term of our relationship ended around December of last year when I found out she had cheated on me at a party at her house after I had left...with a mutual friend nonetheless. She had lied to me about that event for all of two or three months...with the help of all of my closest friends...even my best friend. I found out after an acquaintance had the decency to tell me after he got word of it. We never formally dated after that point (not to mention the wounds never healed...like we're not even at the point of them being emotional "scars" yet.) For the past 6 or 7 months, we've been in this weird pseudo relationship...where there's no formal commitment, but we're essentially dating. Just not officially. While we dated, she flirted with other guys on a regular basis, which made me feel unwanted. She also punched me several during an argument we had...for something I never said. She would always talk about how she found other people so attractive...and never talked about how she found me attractive. She also had a lot of personal issues that, though I cannot blame her for, were and are very draining emotionally. I was never perfect, but I did the best I could to be good to her and to make her happy. I made a lot of mistakes of my own...but that's human nature. Still, I know this isn't healthy for me...

But for some reason I can't let go. This is a big problem because we're both going off to college next year, on different sides of the country. I love her very much, I would do anything I could to make her happy, but I just don't have the trust in me to make a long distance relationship work. I just can't do it. It would rip me up inside worrying about what might be happening...I mean that's already happening, and we live an hour away from each other. I tried explaining this to her...but she got angry...said I was playing her and I never should have gotten back with her after she cheated on me. I don't know what I can say to her so that it will make sense...I don't think that I'm being unreasonable...Any suggestions there?

Also, how do I let go?

 

[pspdonatelli]

You need some tough love right now.

She cheated on YOU and you want to make her happy????? It sounds like she's leading you on (gets attention from you when SHE wants it).

Date one of her best friends or something (or one of her enemies)...joking, but seriously...

You're going to off to college, it's a big world....don't get tied down to early, etc etc.

Keep your head up, do something constructive like working out.

Don't get caught up in explaining things to her (that's more attention)....she just sounds pissed that she won't be able to toy around with you.

Am I a dating expert? No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night

 

[Arctic]

I need advice...

 

[RF1963]

You have been involved with a woman who is a nightmare. She won't commit, has assaulted you, has slept with another man and and accuses you of playing games with her.

There is no relationship now. There will be no relationship next year. She is playing games; the hitting you, the breaking up with you then getting back together, the flirting with other men, the talking about other men.

You have to break up with her - finally and irrevocably. You have to say very plainly that you want her out of your life, that you want nothing more to do with her. You don't have to explain, you don't owe her anything. Just get away from her and stay away from her.

Just remember she cheated on you, co-opted your friends into covering up, assaulted you and denigrated you. Why would you want to be with someone who does that to you?

You know it's not healthy, that's the first step. The second is recognising that her problems are not your responsibility. Her happiness is not your responsibility.

Just get this woman out of your life. Don't agree to meet for coffee, for a chat, we can still be friends etc. just get her out of your life.

 

[Cygnus]

I guess I just got too caught up in the moment to really see that. Man I feel like a fool B&B

 

[Luc]

My advice is worth whatever is worth. It's my personal opinion and as always, YMMV!

Stop it right there. With the information that you provided, she's not ready for a committed relationship with you. Time to cut the bridge and look elsewhere. Stop answering the phone, stop seeing her, change number, etc. That's what I would do...

Good luck!

 

[RF1963]

Man I feel like a fool B&B

I doubt there's a man on this site who hasn't felt a fool because of a woman!

Look on the bright side. You now know some things you won't tolerate in a future relationship

 

[rm71]

look on the bright side. You now know some things you won't tolerate in a future relationship

+1

 

[KarthVader]

That kind of relationship is not worth you time or trouble.

 

[wrl]

I doubt there's a man on this site who hasn't felt a fool because of a woman!

Epic wisdom.

 

[Big Kev]

Run. Far away from her.

Women will have a way of making you feel like a fool, it happens to every one, you are not alone.

From what you posted she is not treating you right. I have been there. I had a very similar girl friend...

I now have a wife that treats me better than I could ever ask for, seriously I do not deserve her and I am very lucky to have her.

Best advice I can give you. Learn from your current relationship. Don't let your self get into another situation like that again. There are lots of girls that will treat you better, find one you like. College is an excellent place to "move on" from a previous girl friend. I went to an engineering school and it even worked for me there. The ratio was not the best but you can make it work.

Good luck, and run fast.

 

[Slash McCoy]

The doctor is <IN>

She is a power tripper. She is using a lot of the tricks that some men instinctively use to try to control their women. She is trying to make you feel unworthy. She is trying to make herself feel good by making you feel bad, and down on yourself. She is trying to build herself up by pushing you down. She is challenging you, and reveling in the power, taking pleasure in having her challenge go unanswered. She is amusing herself at your expense.

Repeat after me... "I don't have any more time for the b!tch... I don't have any more time for the b!tch... I don't... " well, you get the picture. Cut the strings. Don't do it in a mean way... that acknowledges that she is still important to you. Trying to hurt her means it matters to you what she thinks and how she feels. Just don't acknowledge her. When she gets in your face, it should be like, "oh. You again." You are too busy for her, dig? She is't important. Not worth stopping to speak to. That approach will have you feeling better in no time. Of course, she will be steamed, but remember, that isn't important, either way. You don't CARE.

10 cents, please.

 

[brianw]

Turn around 180 degrees, is she staring at your back? RUN....RUN.... donot stop until she is at least 4,000 miles away.... do not look back

 

[Edcculus]

Let her go. Go to college. Either you both will realize you want to be with eachother later on in college...or you wont. If you ever want this relationship to work out, the ONLY it will is with a clean break. Broken up for good. No late night calls when you are both at college on opposite sides of the country. No facebooking, IM'ing, texting etc. Clean break. Who knows what the future holds. You are both young. If she is ever going to see the worth in you, she has to loose you first.

 

[ouch]

You're first going off to college and you're worrying about nonsense such as this? My friend, you haven't even scratched the surface regarding intergender relationships, but if you think this is the way things are supposed to work, you're digging yourself a hole from which no amount of experience will allow you to extricate yourself.

The next cute girl who talks to you will make forgetting this high maintenance albatross easier than you think.

 

[gaseousclay]

ditch her and don't look back. I can tell you that if she's cheated on you and is known for sleeping around then this is someone you don't want or need in your life. also, you're going to college and believe me when I say there will be a ton of new, impressionable young women there for you to meet. I fail to see why you've developed an emotional attachment to her when she clearly isn't reciprocating.

 

[DavyRay]

The doctor is <IN>

She is a power tripper. She is using a lot of the tricks that some men instinctively use to try to control their women. She is trying to make you feel unworthy. She is trying to make herself feel good by making you feel bad, and down on yourself. She is trying to build herself up by pushing you down. She is challenging you, and reveling in the power, taking pleasure in having her challenge go unanswered. She is amusing herself at your expense.

Repeat after me... "I don't have any more time for the b!tch... I don't have any more time for the b!tch... I don't... " well, you get the picture. Cut the strings. Don't do it in a mean way... that acknowledges that she is still important to you. Trying to hurt her means it matters to you what she thinks and how she feels. Just don't acknowledge her. When she gets in your face, it should be like, "oh. You again." You are too busy for her, dig? She is't important. Not worth stopping to speak to. That approach will have you feeling better in no time. Of course, she will be steamed, but remember, that isn't important, either way. You don't CARE.

10 cents, please.

I was too lazy to type all this for you, but am glad that Slash covered it quite well. Be the cat, not the bird.

 

[Jesus of Baghdad]

Deja vu... I was in a similar situation when I entered college (now 38, married).
First of all, YOU must be the one to end it. Don't wait for her to do it. It MUST be your words that slam the door shut. MUST. Otherwise sadness and depression will ensue if she dumps you after all of that, and entering college is enough of a shock in itself.
Next, to get over her quickly, there is no way easier than simply finding someone else. Quick. While your confidence is still where it is, before it sinks. Take too long and you might turn into a self-doubting nincompoop when it comes to approaching women.
The prettier she is the better, but hopefully you'll meet a great girl you can stick with. But it is college, so something brief wouldn't be unusual. If that fades, also be the one to end it. Just thinking about you here, and male ego in a time of great change (mixed with the betrayals you mentioned) can be very fragile, much as we may not want to admit.
There are so many really nice, smart, beautiful girls out there and there is NO PLACE IN THE WORLD like college where it is easier to meet them. Live that life and enjoy the variety of great women you'll meet, and find yourself a winner.
This other girl's beauty is probably the only thing she has going for her, and she has proven her lack of character. Enjoy yourself, find someone new (even if it's temporary... rebounds can be, and you will be, volatile), and meet yourself a good girl who will treat you right.
And let her accidentally discover your shaving habits. I've not met a woman who didn't think it was an attractive, masculine thing that we shave the old-fashioned way.

Good luck, brother.

 

[gaseousclay]

This other girl's beauty is probably the only thing she has going for her

this will eventually fade, and then you're stuck with a miserable old bag for the rest of your life

 

[KarthVader]

Also, I'd like to add that her actions will turn habitual. She enjoys manipulating people, especially men. If you play her game, you are likely to be hurt and she'll make you believe that it was all YOUR fault.

Listen to the erudite advice being given to you. Cut your losses and her cut her out of your life.