Advice for life? Moving on?

[walked]

Let me preface with the fact that I am posting this as the collective life experience on B&B, as well as maturity and insight here, far outdoes any other forum I have ever used, and that is why I am posting this here.

Beyond that, I'm not sure exactly why this is here, I suppose primarily to vent, and secondarily to hear feedback, insight, and any comments (harsh or not) from the members here.

Let the ramble commence:

With that said, my fiancee left me last night. 6 years together, and over in an evening. I did not fight, beg, or struggle with her over it. She was true to her convictions, and whether or not she could explain her reasoning to me (what explanation I got was very poor), I know she has them and I respect that, it is over and that's that from that angle.

I'm a young professional, I have a career with goals, aspirations, and for my age have seen tremendous amounts of success. We jointly own two properties (which we think we've already figure out how to divide) and have two dogs (not yet sorted). This all came along while in the process of changing jobs from private sector, to a federal contractor with a large career advancement - so I hope I can pour some energy into that.

But the fact remains that I am very young (early 20s), and to own two homes and have a successful career frankly does not match with my peers, and that leads to the pickle I am in slightly. I just got the gift of tons of free time, but no social outlet to spend it, and my finances just got tighter as I'm now swinging solo on the house. I live next to a military base in VA, and as such - there is not a whole lot for single guys to do around here, at least not without a hefty drive.

I suppose, in closing - that all that I've written above is nothing outside of backstory, and without a real drive or point. I'm focusing energy and effort into my professional career, and realize what happened cannot be undone, and that I must accept that - which I have done. Life moves on, and as much as it may hurt, or inconvenience myself, that is where I stand and what I must take on.

So, with all that said - please share stories of your past experiences in similar regards, any social outlets you may or may not have found helpful, and doubly so any suggestion for a single guy in his early 20s that does not like bars, and is not really at the same stage in life as his peers. I say this not to put myself above anyone, but to add context to my situation.


Any insight would be appreciated. Harsh, critical, helpful, informative - I am happy to hear it all. Thank you B&B.

 

[SpyvSpy]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I have had a girlfriend for four years and lost her but on the bright side I'm now married with my wife I've been together with for almost 5 years. I suppose my best advice would be to look at the bright side of things (such for you, having a good job and many other successes) keep at it and like many say "there are many fish in the sea." and seeing as successful you are it shouldn't be a problem finding another girl for you.

 

[K9DVM]

I would like to know if you are happy doing what you are doing. You stated that you were a professional and successful but that doesn't mean that you are happy. I would consider going to (or back to) college and exploring new options. If you are happy doing what you do, then I would let at least a month pass before you decide to do anything. The kind of emotional trauma that you have been through does not allow you to think clearly or objectively. I have regretted most of my emotional decisions. Best wishes to you and your future.

 

[walked]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I have had a girlfriend for four years and lost her but on the bright side I'm now married with my wife I've been together with for almost 5 years. I suppose my best advice would be to look at the bright side of things (such for you, having a good job and many other successes) keep at it and like many say "there are many fish in the sea." and seeing as successful you are it shouldn't be a problem finding another girl for you.

Thank you for the kind words and insight. What I do recognize is that I've focused almost solely on professional success - and thats worked fine. But that leaves me with no social outlet, no core of friends I can turn to really, and no real peer group so to speak. Finding that, I presume, is going to be my largest challenge.

I would like to know if you are happy doing what you are doing. You stated that you were a professional and successful but that doesn't mean that you are happy. I would consider going to (or back to) college and exploring new options. If you are happy doing what you do, then I would let at least a month pass before you decide to do anything. The kind of emotional trauma that you have been through does not allow you to think clearly or objectively. I have regretted most of my emotional decisions. Best wishes to you and your future.

Yes, I am extremely happy with my career choices and where I am. I've achieved my goals thus far in life, and am proud of it - but as mentioned above, it does ultimately leave a hole on the personal side which I am aiming to rectify in some manner. I'm probably putting too much thought into it (I have plenty of time right now) and am overprocessing though.

 

[sparkchaser]

Sorry to hear about that. i found myself in a very similar situation in 2003/2004 excerpt it was the end of a marriage. I don't know if continuing to throw yourself into your work is the best solution short, or long term. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

The easiest social outlets to get into are, well, social hobbies. Heck, get your dog(s) (whichever you end up with) and take the lil' guy for walks in your neighborhood or local park and you will meet people.

Where in VA are you? There is almost no shortage of fun and legal things for a single guy to do.

 

[Slamarche]

Under the best of circumstances there is going to be pain. Six years represents commitment and it is hard to let go but you must. Social contacts will develop through your profession, Keep positive.

 

[Confuzius]

To broaden your social spectrum try taking some classes, I'm 26 and just started night school at University and the average age there seems to be 23-29. Granted it's a math class and dosn't leave much room for socializing, but if you pick the right type of class you can probably find something, even it's it's just like a non-university art class.

Also volunteering, if there's something out there that you feel that you can support, and not just as a venue for meeting chicks, volunteering can lead you to all sorts of things, not to mention that it often looks good on a resume.

Granted, at 26 my collective life experience isn't all that much, I read something a while ago that helped me though some interesting times, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the basic premise running though the book is that life is a series of deaths and rebirths happening to each of us all the time and each death brings something new to it with the rebirth, kind of a comforting thought.

 

[walked]

To broaden your social spectrum try taking some classes, I'm 26 and just started night school at University and the average age there seems to be 23-29. Granted it's a math class and dosn't leave much room for socializing, but if you pick the right type of class you can probably find something, even it's it's just like a non-university art class.

Also volunteering, if there's something out there that you feel that you can support, and not just as a venue for meeting chicks, volunteering can lead you to all sorts of things, not to mention that it often looks good on a resume.

Granted, at 26 my collective life experience isn't all that much, I read something a while ago that helped me though some interesting times, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the basic premise running though the book is that life is a series of deaths and rebirths happening to each of us all the time and each death brings something new to it with the rebirth, kind of a comforting thought.

Thank you for the reading material suggestion, it sounds appealing and I'm going to pick it up.

Classes are a good idea, in my career path I somehow more or less skipped out on college, but have been meaning to put some effort into it, mustve slipped my mind as this all went the way it has. Thank you again for the suggestion.

 

[Bill Smith]

That's tough. I think my advice is this, take the high road, be ever the gentleman in dealing with your ex in terms of disposing of mutually held properties. It's going to hurt for a long while so I would take your time before hitting the dating scene, shed the emotional baggage down to carry on.

I guess the next question, what are interested in besides career? I would get inolved with co-ed sports leagues, and get interested in a hobby or a creative pursuit if you are into photography, join a camera club, play guitar, bass or drums start a band. Also interested in travel, if you have the cash and the time, where haven't you been yet? Also going back to school part time is a good idea too.

Living well is the best revenge and look on the bright side, you could have been married and it gets expensive when lawyers get involved.

 

[TimmyBoston]

Fight for the dogs with all your life. I shared two with a former girlfriend and I never get to see them any more and it rips me up every day.

 

[walked]

Fight for the dogs with all your life. I shared two with a former girlfriend and I never get to see them any more and it rips me up every day.

Do not worry, with the living arrangements we're looking at - the dogs look like theyre going to reside with me.

Aside from career, I've got a few interests (cars, typical young guy sorta hobby), but lack the funds to dump into it proper, as I'll be assuming the more expensive of the two properties. I even had $8000 together to put together a new car, but that becomes buffer money for the time being.

Thanks for so much of the insight everyone - I've done everything, absolutely everything in my power to remain a gentleman through all of this. My parents went through a very ugly divorce some years ago where I was even placed on the witness stand, and I will fight with every fiber that I have to avoid anything of that magnitude.

 

[perry]

Check out meetup.com. I don't know if I read about it here or elsewhere, but there's groups for all sorts of interests all over the place on there.

 

[chickpea]

I don't mean to psychoanalyze you here in the midst of a public forum, but I don't wonder if this turn of events was a long time coming. You say that you didn't put up a fight for her despite her miserable excuses for leaving. It sounds to me like she may have wanted to get a "rise" out of you and for you to make some sort of display of desire and passion. It has been my experience that despite all rationality to the contrary, women sometimes need emotional outbursts from their partners just to make sure the partners care.

So my suspicion is this may have been a "test" either you become emotionally charged, beg for her to stay (and she does), or you show no emotion (and she leaves being vindicated in her suspicion that you hold no strong feelings for her).

It may seem shallow, but hey, we all have lizard brains.

It seems to me at least, that you were not so passionate about her and while I am sorry for you and appreciate that the loss of a soon-to-be spouse is a huge blow emotionally, I wonder if this wasn't something that you subconsciously desired on some level.

At the same time, overcoming the loss of a long term and deep emotional relationship is hard. Learn a language, take art classes, learn ju-jitsu anything to get you out of the house.

One issue that I find interesting is your repeated flight from words like "content", "satisfied", "fulfilled" and your use of words like "achieve", "success". While it may be nothing, I wonder if you truly enjoy your work or are simply "happy with your achievement thus far"

 

[walked]

I don't mean to psychoanalyze you here in the midst of a public forum, but I don't wonder if this turn of events was a long time coming. You say that you didn't put up a fight for her despite her miserable excuses for leaving. It sounds to me like she may have wanted to get a "rise" out of you and for you to make some sort of display of desire and passion. It has been my experience that despite all rationality to the contrary, women sometimes need emotional outbursts from their partners just to make sure the partners care.

So my suspicion is this may have been a "test" either you become emotionally charged, beg for her to stay (and she does), or you show no emotion (and she leaves being vindicated in her suspicion that you hold no strong feelings for her).

It may seem shallow, but hey, we all have lizard brains.

It seems to me at least, that you were not so passionate about her and while I am sorry for you and appreciate that the loss of a soon-to-be spouse is a huge blow emotionally, I wonder if this wasn't something that you subconsciously desired on some level.

At the same time, overcoming the loss of a long term and deep emotional relationship is hard. Learn a language, take art classes, learn ju-jitsu anything to get you out of the house.

One issue that I find interesting is your repeated flight from words like "content", "satisfied", "fulfilled" and your use of words like "achieve", "success". While it may be nothing, I wonder if you truly enjoy your work or are simply "happy with your achievement thus far"

Thank you for the insight, its valuable regardless of the content. I do not mind critique, or harsh words - I make no claims that I'm not in the wrong in part.

Per the fight, I simply mean I refused to get angry, or to beg her not to - I feel that if she has decided on something that she wants to do (she had already spoken to her father about how to handle the real estate situation, it was not an on the whim situation), that to drag it out, or to yell or fight with her would be disrespectful. I offered my efforts to correct any and all issues that were addressed, I owned up to my problems and told her that - but I dont know what crying and begging her not to would acheive, aside from making things worse for both of us, again- with the knowledge this was planned in advance.

The one argument I made for myself is that this was the first time she had ever openly addressed any of the issues listed with me (albeit I imagine there were other instigating reasons) and that I was not given an opportunity to address them from my side, which is all true.

Again, I'm kindof rambling, but the point is I didnt just go "okay, youre leaving me, seeya!" - I spoke my part, and owned up to my faults and offered what I could, but when someone is set, there is only so much one can say, any more is just making it more difficult for both parties.

And yes, I am happy - I admit I've got room to improve, and double the time to do it with now, but I am not miserable or un-content with my life - I like who I am both to others and myself, and will continue to be what I want myself to be

 

[stobes21]

I would suggest you find a social outlet that makes you happy with the primary goal of giving you something fun, enlightening or satisfying to do. Don't worry so much about the social aspects; those will come naturally. Join a church, volunteer for a good cause, get active in a sport, take some classes (at a college or elsewhere), or take up a new or old hobby.

Even professional outlets can be very good. But I would suggest if you go this route though to avoid simply working longer and harder. Look for something related to work but separate like getting involved in a professional organization or publication, or by going to seminars or networking events related to your field, etc.

 

[silvertip beard]

Play Disc Golf.

 

[Emmett]

What do you enjoy? Friends for me come through the activities I partake in. Mine are mostly athletic endeavors but there're also things like woodworking, gaming, gardening, etc. If you wish to develop good friendships you will need to put yourself out there and try some things. Whatever you're into, there is sure to be a local club or association that you can join to get to know people.

 

[Brodirt]

My first reaction was/is that 6 years is not over in one night as described. There was something there all along that led to it. I suggest you spend a bit of time contemplating what that was and resolving it or you will not, in fact, move on. You might even seek some advice from your fiance as she is likely the only one that can help you on this. Neither of your analysis will be objective so you might never figure it out, but it will be time well spent in my opinion.

Thereafter if you are looking to consume time socially I think those of us here would have many suggestions...I can tell you that it is easy to devote 15 hours a week to cycling, and I would bet you'll find others suggesting that fishing, golf and tennis can consume the same and still be social.

 

[thunderball]

I don't know the particulars of your situation but if this all just happened last night I would give it some time before you make any kinds of decisions, including the decision about how you really feel about of all this. 6 years? Suddenly last night she ended it? And you're totally fine and have already put this all behind you? You can honestly say to yourself, 'Well, I guess that's that'? Hmmm..... For an outsider looking in, it sounds to me that either:

A) You are in shock at the moment.

B) You (perhaps unconsciously) wanted or at least expected this to happen.

C) You are an incredibly well-rounded, confident, strong, pragmatic, objective, present, mature individual that really can see this from a larger perspective and is truly ready to calmly move on.

In your original post it didn't seem exactly clear what kinds of outlets you were looking for? Did you mean just something to distract your mind for a bit? Something to meet more friends your age? An activity that would put you in contact with other potential girlfriends? I would suggest just taking it easy for a while and not making any big decisions until this huge change has had a chance to sink in. In the meantime, are there any things you've been wanting to do but perhaps haven't gotten around to lately? Some ideas that come to mind:

- start on a project like restoring an old car
- take up a sport
- start reading more
- start a daily journal
- reconnect with old friends or family
- take a short/drive or trip on your own if you can
- exercise/yoga/buy yourself a new bike
- read some self-help books on the subject
- play music you love

When it becomes easier to do so I would also take some time to reflect honestly on what may have gone wrong with your situation. I don't mean list all the ways that your fiance was awful or didn't communicate, I mean the ways in which you could have improved/changed/avoided your relationship suddenly coming to an end. Being honest is important but so is being kind to yourself. Also don't be afraid to feel sad for an appropriate length of time. You have already shown a high level of courage and maturity by reaching out and asking for help on a board like this. There are a lot of people with a lot of life experience here that are willing to help! Good luck mate!

 

[Panter]

Start to RUN