How to Win Friends and Influence People

[aodenkou]

I have noticed that this section of B&B seems to have some nice discussions about being a gentleman, and the finer things in life. Lord only knows I need a push here and there in my every day life.

So here is food for thought: Several years back I picked up a copy of this book and found it to be an impressive piece of work. Later, I found this brief outline of his book, while it's not the same as reading the book it does present key points.

How to Win Friends and Influence People
This is Dale Carnegie's summary of his book, from 1936

Part One
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Part Two
Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Part Three
Win people to your way of thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.

Part Four
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

 

[toucanlamp]

That sounds pretty good and genuine, there are a ton of books out today on that sort of thing which are just sickeningly cynical, just really about manipulation, being an expert con artist, etc. etc.

 

[richmondesi]

That's a fantastic book... I'm really a naturally introverted person, and this book really helped me open up a lot. As if you guys couldn't tell that

 

[Alacrity59]

yes pretty much works for me . . . down a fair few notches

 

[aodenkou]

For me one area I truly try to work on is:
Part Two
Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

#3 is one of the hardest things for me, esp if there are a number of people at an event of some sort. I know politicians are supposed to be very good at this (I have read that Bill Clinton was a master of this) but this is really hard!

Are there any tricks to remembering names? I "try" to use a persons name as often as possible as soon as I am introduced and that helps a bit.

Thoughts?

 

[bearbear]

For me one area I truly try to work on is:
Part Two
Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

#3 is one of the hardest things for me, esp if there are a number of people at an event of some sort. I know politicians are supposed to be very good at this (I have read that Bill Clinton was a master of this) but this is really hard!

Are there any tricks to remembering names? I "try" to use a persons name as often as possible as soon as I am introduced and that helps a bit.

Thoughts?

I always had problems with number 3, then i went and got myself a head injury, and i'm completely hopeless. One thing i tend to do during a conversation, if i forget their name is "please don't take this personally, i'm terrible with names and dates, and getting smashed by an suv didn't help. what was it again? ok if ii ask you again before the night is through, don't take it personally, i forgot my own mother's birthday this year, and i'm a huge mamma's boy etc. " tell them something funny, talk jokingly about an awkward situation in which you forgot some ones name, and ran into them at lunch every day for the past year, getting by with cheif/boss/buddy/brother. It shows honesty, character, and everyone remembers a good laugh. It gives them something to relate to, we've all been there. We've all crutched on the exaggerated "HEeeeey....yoooou!! hows the.... life?"

If they're put off by your honesty, or offended you forgot their name, its better off that you did, you don't want people like that around you. They're a drag.

and above all, 9/10 number 2 can fill a gap of awkward silence, diffuse an akward/stressful/intimidating situation, or even just make some ones day on its own.

One thing i don't see on there that i think is important is eye contact. It makes a world of difference.

 

[tsmba]

Excellent post, thanks for putting it up here!

 

[**Bingo_Bob**]

Excellent post, thanks for putting it up here!

+1 great stuff!

 

[chainfire]

This combined with Napoleon Hill's 16 Laws of Success are the some of the best self-help advise books ever put together. The core ideas of these books have just been rehashed in different formats from different gurus since.

 

[DunEdinRanger]

Excellent post.

I would add just a few things in the age of the internet:

The Helgesen Rule, named in honor of Marty Helgesen: "Never attribute to malice, what you can attribute to ignorance." In other words, don't jump to conclusions, and don't immediately suspect the other person is out to get you.

Ask what they meant by that statement, and seek clarification in a civilized, courteous way. People will often view things through the prism of their own experience, and that experience may be limited.

Also remember that ignorance is curable with knowledge, and even if the person with opposing viewpoints does not come around to your way of thinking, at least they will have gained a better understanding for your views, and a deeper respect for them.

 

[zoom]

For me one area I truly try to work on is:

Thoughts?

Associate something about the name with the person. Once for a guy named Scot, I simply imagined him in a kilt. Never forgot that name again. Mickey, I imagined mouse ears. Solved that problem. If you will have problems with the last name, associate something with that to that person, preferably something that you can also relate to the first name.

Trouble is that you can't tell them your short cut.

 

[profsaffel]

That's a fantastic book... I'm really a naturally introverted person, and this book really helped me open up a lot. As if you guys couldn't tell that

I didn't realize this about you!

Anyway, yes it's an outstanding book, and for those that have to get up in front of people and speak, whether naturally good at it or not, I recommend Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People Through Public Speaking. It's equally as insightful, yet focuses on speaking, of course.

 

[rm71]

A friend of mine gave a copy of that book when I was in university. A great worthwile read. May have to buy my own copy

 

[tsmba]

My father told me that the company he worked for (37 years) used to send their execs to a Dale Carnegie course. He thought it was one of the most worthwhile things he ever did. Another training tool was something called the "Freedom Forum". I think that kind of investment in employees may be a thing of the past, though. Whatever they presented at that Forum must have been something, because Dad turned from being a lifelong Democrat to a staunch Conservative.

 

[castlecraver]

I had a friend who became a hardcore proselytizing devotee of this book in 8th grade after his dad made him read it. And it messed him up bigtime. Turned him into an insincere sycophant with a hugely inflated sense of self-importance, and definitely resulted in him having fewer real friends and less influence through high school.

Clearly, professional adults can do a better job applying those principles more sensibly to their daily interactions, but my experience with my friend gave me some measure of familiarity with it and kind of turned me off to the book then, and my opinion hasn't really changed. I know enough "business school" types now who (probably again applying the principles the wrong way) instead of being direct with making requests and stating their opinion, try to "win people to their way of thinking" through the methods outlined in the Carnegie book, which quite frankly can come off as rather manipulative and patronizing if you're smart enough to see through them.

Regardless, I definitely wouldn't put it on my teenager's recommended reading list.

 

[sol92258]

...
and above all, 9/10 number 2 can fill a gap of awkward silence, diffuse an akward/stressful/intimidating situation, or even just make some ones day on its own......

you know, out of context that statement is rather hilarious....

I've heard good things about this book, both hear and otherwise, I may have to put it on my to-read list (a rather short list by most folks' estimations, but it'll take me longer to get through than most others, too)

on the other hand, sometimes these books can come off as creating non-genuine, insincere used car salesmen-stereotypes...as already mentioned, the mis-guided application of the concepts can really turn people off to you, so I always read/listen to these things with a grain of salt, even when it's someone I personally trust, i.e. Zig Ziglar

thanks for sharing!

 

[richmondesi]

I had a friend who became a hardcore proselytizing devotee of this book in 8th grade after his dad made him read it. And it messed him up bigtime. Turned him into an insincere sycophant with a hugely inflated sense of self-importance, and definitely resulted in him having fewer real friends and less influence through high school.

Clearly, professional adults can do a better job applying those principles more sensibly to their daily interactions, but my experience with my friend gave me some measure of familiarity with it and kind of turned me off to the book then, and my opinion hasn't really changed. I know enough "business school" types now who (probably again applying the principles the wrong way) instead of being direct with making requests and stating their opinion, try to "win people to their way of thinking" through the methods outlined in the Carnegie book, which quite frankly can come off as rather manipulative and patronizing with you're smart enough to see through them.

Regardless, I definitely wouldn't put it on my teenager's recommended reading list.

I agree. With people who are using these tactics in an attempt to manipulate others while being insincere, it is quite obnoxious and obvious. The only way it works is if you really are sincere in your approach to people. This book helped me with ways to deal with my introverted tendencies effectively. However, I've never liked the used-car sales people types that this book can create.

Carnegie tried to stress the need for genuine concern, but some people never get that.

 

[ClubmanRob]

I agree. With people who are using these tactics in an attempt to manipulate others while being insincere, it is quite obnoxious and obvious. The only way it works is if you really are sincere in your approach to people. This book helped me with ways to deal with my introverted tendencies effectively. However, I've never liked the used-car sales people types that this book can create.

Carnegie tried to stress the need for genuine concern, but some people never get that.

When I first started watching Mad Men, Don Draper struck me as someone who took a Carnegie course or two in his day and took it to heart. However, most used car salesmen I've met seem to have read the same book.

I read the book when I was younger, and I can definitely say it made me more self conscious of my actions, for the better.

 

[Tolduonce]

For me one area I truly try to work on is:
Part Two
Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

#3 is one of the hardest things for me, esp if there are a number of people at an event of some sort. I know politicians are supposed to be very good at this (I have read that Bill Clinton was a master of this) but this is really hard!

Are there any tricks to remembering names? I "try" to use a persons name as often as possible as soon as I am introduced and that helps a bit.

Thoughts?

One thing that works for me, although it isn't always possible to do it, is to write the person's name down after hearing it. Actually, slowly printing it seems to work best. This isn't so that I can refer to the name if I get stuck. It's more like the fact that writing it out slowly seems to firmly implant it into my memory. A note card and pen are all that are necessary for this, however one can't do this in the presence of the person. That's the disadvantage. I have done this exercise mentally with similar results too, just by envisioning myself writing the name in large letters on a blackboard.