Dad Jokes
- Thread starter dws
- Start date
I once had a horse that was very difficult to control.
She wouldn't let me put on a saddle or ride her during the daytime.
In fact, she was so stubborn, she wouldn't even come out of the barn until the sun went down,
and then she was as good as could be.
But I could never figure out why she was acting difficult in the morning.
That horse was a real Nightmare.
She wouldn't let me put on a saddle or ride her during the daytime.
In fact, she was so stubborn, she wouldn't even come out of the barn until the sun went down,
and then she was as good as could be.
But I could never figure out why she was acting difficult in the morning.
That horse was a real Nightmare.
What kind of teeth can you get for a dollar?
Buck teeth!
(I had to post one immediately after the poster above so we could get the two Groucho pictures together.)
Buck teeth!
(I had to post one immediately after the poster above so we could get the two Groucho pictures together.)
Bravo to you, sir, for recognizing my avatar.
Few people today know what Julius H. Marx looked like sans make-up and props,
but this is how he appeared to family and close friends.
And as long as we're doing Dad jokes ...
Q: How much does it cost to feed a family of four on Venison for a month?
A: One Buck.
Q: How much do pirates for pay for their earrings?
A: A Buck an ear.
Q: Did you know it only costs $1 to be an astronaut?
A: Go ask Buck Rogers.
If you ever go to London, There's lots of money and pork at Buck-in-ham Palace.
Ohhhhh SNAP! My Dad jokes are infamous around my family.
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Rhody
I'm a Lumberjack.
what has one thumb and 4 fingers but is not alive.
[a glove]
[a glove]
My dad was a huge fan of shaggy dog stories (such as @WildWest74 submission above), but I'll never forget the first dirty joke I ever heard him tell (it's relatively clean and only funny if you're of a certain age). What does Gary Hart like to eat? Rice.
Try this one on for size. Next time you are at the grocery store and the clerk asks you if want your milk in a bag, tell them "No, it can stay in the jug".
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Did someone say #ShaggyDogStories?
During the time of the American Civil War,
there was an old man who worked in a textile factory deep in the South.
It was his job to take the bolts of white cotton cloth off the looms,
and dye them whatever color was needed for the day's production.
One day, he is called into the Foreman's office,
where he is face to face with a Confederate General and two of his aides.
The General says:
"Now looky here, boy. We've got us a captured trainload full of Union Blue Uniforms.
We need you to put them out in the sun and fade them until they're Confederate Gray."
The old man says:
"Nope. I ain't gonna do it."
The General says:
"That ain't the right answer, boy. You'll be doing Ol' Dixie a great service.
A lot of our boys are fighting in rags right now.
If they have 'em some proper uniforms, it would be great for morale,
and good morale leads to Victory!"
The old man says:
"Nope. I ain't gonna do it."
The General says:
"Last chance, boy.
Either you take these uniforms and fade them to serve the Confederacy,
or I'll have my aides put a rifle in your hands,
take you off to the front lines,
and you can show your love for the South by putting your life on the line!
Now what's it going to be?"
The old man says:
"Nope. I ain't gonna do it."
The General nods to his aides, then they take him off the front lines of battle.
The old man was killed in action a few weeks later.
The moral of the story is:
During the time of the American Civil War,
there was an old man who worked in a textile factory deep in the South.
It was his job to take the bolts of white cotton cloth off the looms,
and dye them whatever color was needed for the day's production.
One day, he is called into the Foreman's office,
where he is face to face with a Confederate General and two of his aides.
The General says:
"Now looky here, boy. We've got us a captured trainload full of Union Blue Uniforms.
We need you to put them out in the sun and fade them until they're Confederate Gray."
The old man says:
"Nope. I ain't gonna do it."
The General says:
"That ain't the right answer, boy. You'll be doing Ol' Dixie a great service.
A lot of our boys are fighting in rags right now.
If they have 'em some proper uniforms, it would be great for morale,
and good morale leads to Victory!"
The old man says:
"Nope. I ain't gonna do it."
The General says:
"Last chance, boy.
Either you take these uniforms and fade them to serve the Confederacy,
or I'll have my aides put a rifle in your hands,
take you off to the front lines,
and you can show your love for the South by putting your life on the line!
Now what's it going to be?"
The old man says:
"Nope. I ain't gonna do it."
The General nods to his aides, then they take him off the front lines of battle.
The old man was killed in action a few weeks later.
The moral of the story is:
"Old Dyers never Fade, they just Soldier away."
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This may be the first thread I ever put on my ignore list.
I'm a big fan of the Marx Brothers. I've seen/own all of their movies and I've read several books on the brothers and the main three as individuals. They were quite an interesting and colorful crew.
With a lot of celebrities, I'm more interested in their private lives than what they do as part of their public acts.
Julius H. Marx has long been one of my role models.
Leonard A. Schneider (Lenny Bruce) led a dramatic life beyond the obscenities and social muck-raking.
Moses, Jerome and Samuel Horvitz and Louis Feinberg
(Moe, Curly, Shemp and Larry)
are also much more interesting off-stage.
From all that I've read about Groucho/Julius I can't help but wonder if he was a very happy man. If you haven't already you should read, "Harpo Speaks!" by Harpo Marx with Rowland Barber. He lead quite a remarkable life (He was so enchanted that he once offered to buy the young Shirley Temple from her parents!) and fell into a crowd of friends that Groucho would aspire to have that would seemingly be out of Harpo's reach. Despite some rough edges at times, I think that Harpo was regarded as a very dear man and was very much loved.
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Back to the matter at hand:
I used to work at a calendar factory. I got fired just because I took a few days off!
Two antennas got married the other day. The service was kind of boring but they had a great reception!
What did the buddist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!
I used to work at a calendar factory. I got fired just because I took a few days off!
Two antennas got married the other day. The service was kind of boring but they had a great reception!
What did the buddist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!
After he paid the for his hot dog, the buddhist asked the vendor for his change.
The vendor said "Change must come from within."
my dad would have loved that.
I listened to a BBC fictionalized radio play of Harpo on his tour through the Soviet Union as an American spy. It was funny and suspenseful. I don't know how realistic it was.
A toothless old termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
I do remember reading about the experience of his time in the Soviet Union. This is from Wikipedia:
In 1933, following U.S. diplomatic recognition of the Soviet Union, he spent six weeks in Moscow as a performer and goodwill ambassador....... During this time he served as a secret courier; delivering communiques to and from the US embassy in Moscow at the request of Ambassador William Christian Bullitt, Jr., smuggling the messages in and out of Russia by taping a sealed envelope to his leg beneath his trousers, an event described in David Fromkin's 1995 book In the Time of the Americans.[12][13] In Harpo Speaks, Marx describes his relief at making it out of the Soviet Union, recalling how "I pulled up my pants, ripped off the tape, unwound the straps, handed over the dispatches from Ambassador Bullitt, and gave my leg its first scratch in ten days."[14]
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