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Wife absolutely refuses to give me a say in home decor.

I, for one, am thrilled that there are people who gladly drop tens of thousands of dollars on interior design and decoration. It's how I feed my family! But I've worked for many clients who were either in the midst of a divorce or who began divorce proceedings while a project was underway. Those are very uncomfortable jobs.
 
I hate to tell you this, but her behavior won't change. It was redecorating this time; next it will be the car you drive, the clothes you wear, your friends, or how to raise the kids. She already changed your occupation. You don't have a partnership - you are in a dictatorship. Call the lawyer and cut your losses.
Money and how to spend it is the #1 thing married people disagree on and fight about. Thankfully, there are many other things they usually can agree on.
 
Money and how to spend it is the #1 thing married people disagree on and fight about. Thankfully, there are many other things they usually can agree on.

But this isn't about the money - they can (presumably) afford it. This is about how she treats him. Not allowing him to have any of his chef's equipment visible in the kitchen, discounting his ideas (but liking the same ideas from someone else), "misremembering" so she looks better in the story, and the big one - "Over time, the few pieces of decor I left out (mostly gifts or family heirlooms) have gone missing. Given away, thrown out or sold without a word said to me until I asked about them."
 
50+ years married here. We don't agree on most things, especially home decor. I pick my battles. She can do what she wants with bedroom furniture, even if I keep bruising my thigh on that damned footboard of the bed she chose. I'm happy getting my way by insisting on only sleeping on Egyptian cotton sheets. The love of me life is also not fond of the size & shape of my side/stomach pillow, but she still manages making the bed without complaining (too much).

She also doesn't understand why I need a dozen different copies of The Count of Monte Cristo on the book shelf, along with multiple, different copies of Dracula, too many James Thurber books to count, and at least 3 different Sherlock Holmes complete editions. To win that argument, I need only point out she has 40 Mary Higgins Clark HC books on the shelves.

On a more serious note, marriage needs to be a give and take. Family heirlooms, even if they are not displayed, were always sacred to both of us and untouchable in our marriage. When I was doing genealogy in the late 1990's, we spent weekends visiting my family's grave sites in NJ and the coal regions of Pa., and while visiting my wife's family in KY, we made side trips to her family's grave sites in Ind and Ky. They were fun family trips.

Even today, my wife still allows a 1920-30 picture of my grandmother (who I fondly remember) in an old glass and metal beveled frame to hang on our living room wall, and we have a portrait of my wife's great-grandmother, Mary Holmes Singleton Brown (1863-1956) sitting on a pedestal in our living room. Our 3rd bedroom (unused) has 2 dressers left to us by my parents, made in Jamestown, NY in the late 40s or early 50s. My wife has wanted to get rid of them for many years, but when our grandkids visit, they think it's cool to store their clothes in their great-grand parent's furniture that's 70 years old.
 
I would have her pay for your schooling, and once done and paid off, leave, it is not going to get better, sorry to say.
There seems to be no respect for you or your opinions.
 
Good lord! I would hate to be in quite a pickle like that with my wife, thank goodness we can’t afford having such a problem (literally, financially we can’t afford having our house decorated...whatever that means😂)

Marital problems are difficult to overcome if one or both are not willing to compromise and make decisions taking each other into account, throw money into the mix, even if they can afford it, and it becomes recipe for disaster.

Is very sad to see that nowadays people, specially married people, have become egocentric and sometimes downright narcissistic and believe that to be happy they have to cater to their personal desires and if their “beloved partner” gets in the way they just drop them like dead weight.

My wife and I have being married for 10 years, we have 3 beautiful children, have our little humble house that despite not being “professionally decorated” (excuse my sarcasm but I still think having someone else decorate your house is the stupidest idea, or the most brilliant one, depending if you are the decorator or the decoree!😂) is filled with love and laughter, and kids jumping and screaming, running all over the place, and my wife and I couldn't be happier.

“The river doesn't drink its own water, the tree doesn't eat its own fruit, the sun doesn't shine to itself, even the flowers don't produce their wonderful perfume for them to enjoy. It is in nature to give, thats how we are made, there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving”
 
I read through your original post as well as your response above. I have to say that there a few things about your wife's behavior that I really find troubling. First, the idea that she is so cavalier about money that she'd rather spend thousands on junky stuff that you already had bought good quality examples of for hundreds and made you return is only partly about money. But it's also about her discounting your contribution. In fact you later one says she doesn't even acknowledge that you did make a contribution only for her to brush it aside as inadequate. That shows a complete lack of respect for you as a person. Forget about the money for the moment.

The whole rosemary thing just has me scratching my head. Again, the money aspect doesn't matter so much but the sheer fact that you already have all sorts of rosemary plants around the house in pots outside and she wouldn't let you bring them in yet then pays a decorator for a bunch of mostly dead rosemary plants to bring inside, again she's shown you zero respect. And let's not ignore the practical aspects of this rosemary "project". You had them right there. I hate to say it but not only is she showing you no respect but she's acting like many of my clients who were born into money and whose parents never bothered to teach them the value of a dollar. As a result they literally throw money away. That kind of behavior is often what gets those very same people in trouble because that pile of money is not bottomless and once their parents are gone and no longer making gobs of money, the pile of money is quickly depleted and all of a sudden they are faced with the reality of making major lifestyle changes. Worse, they have no idea why.

The fact that she just gets irritated when you attempt to discuss these things is also a huge red flag. It means from the get go she is dismissing the importance of what you wish to discuss. If she doesn't feel it is worth discussing, then she won't discuss it. What does that say about you and your feelings? I'll tell you. No respect.

Not only does she not show you respect but it seems you are both extremely different and see the world very differently. She likes to hire people and pay people to do things so she can just snap her fingers and say it's done while you like to roll up your sleeves and do things yourself like buying the vintage stuff. Those two approaches show a large difference in how you each view the world. Frankly, you gave up your career for her and went back to school. That means she owes you for having made that major change for her. Yet she isn't showing you one bit of gratitude for having done so. She should be capitulating on something. Anything. Instead, based on what you've told us, she's capitulated on nothing. Since you are married and have taken on student loan debt, that debt is one half hers now. So in essence she's paying for half of your education. Unless you've signed a prenup and gave up some rights to financial assets. Let's hope taht's not the case. But, dude, as others have pointed out, she's not even willing to discuss this stuff with you. Which means there is no possible way for you to have your perspective considered and for you to see some satisfactory resolution that gives credence and validity to your view of things. You have asked us for our thoughts on this situation and you are definitely getting some blunt yet very real and valid responses. I hope you are listening very carefully and are willing to acknowledge the points being made. Don't take the comments as just tonuge in cheek. They aren't being delivered that way. I definitely wish you luck in this. Just promise us you will approach this entire situation with open eyes.
 
That @ackvil should be here for this problem.


Here I am. I have been married three times and each wife has been different.

My first wife would never offer a strong opinion. If I saw something I liked I would ask her what she thought and she would say "it's nice." I had strong feelings about things and she resented my saying what I thought. For example, if she asked me how this particular dish tasted I could say I didn't like it. That years later turned out to be unacceptable. I should have said I don't care for it.

My second wife had very strong views but not the best taste - except for marrying me! :c1: We had to settle any decorating differences by talking to a decorator. Back then, furniture and other stores had decorators on staff and you could ask them any questions. Usually, the decorator would agree with what I was proposing. We bought a home in Florida and at the time I was traveling on business quite often. On one trip I was away for two weeks. When I returned I saw that my wife had re-decorated the house. The kitchen cabinets went from oak to pink. The kitchen walls: pink. Our bedroom was all in pink including the carpet. She was proud of what she did and apparently engaged the services of a decorator but told the decorator she wanted everything in pink. It was hideous. I had a discussion with her about mutual agreement before spending money but it fell on deaf ears. What I learned was that under no circumstances pay a decorator a percentage fee! Also, don't give them a set amount of money to decorate, which is what she had done. We went for marriage counseling but when the psychologist talked to me ex about communication, etc., she walked out of the session and refused to attend any additional sessions.

I now have been married since 2008. Before we got married we had an excellent discussion about mutual decisions and agreement. My wife had been single for almost 20 years and was very independent. So, she was used to do things her way. However, we talked about what makes a good marriage: respect and communication. We don't make unilateral decisions about purchases. We talk and agree.

My wife has excellent taste but we always discuss things before making purchases for the home. There are times when we may not agree but keep looking for more items and then reach an agreement. When we moved in AZ we had a free consultation with a decorator who gave us some ideas. We both agreed: no thanks. But the key to it is a discussion - calm and peaceful - and agreement. Many times we go for a walk or just have a drink at home and talk about our plans. I have learned to be more tactful and wait to offer an opinion until she has stopped presenting her ideas. However, she will always listen to me.

Perhaps you may want to consider a good marriage counselor. You both seem to need help in the communication department.
 
There's many red flags in this. Without unpacking really any of this, in the end your choices are limited.

You can walk. You're obviously not being listened to. Take a few bottles over to a friend's house and start looking at divorce lawyers' Yelp ratings.

You can keep silent. Vent here and there, sure, but mostly keeping your opinions to yourself. Keep on keeping on.

You both can seek counseling. There's obviously a misfire in communication or expectations there. You can try to have a professional take a look.

You can sit down and talk it out calmly and rationally. Not accusing. No fault no blame. This is how I feel when this happens. That's how I feel when that happens. Of course, either things will change or not. If not, you're back to the previous three.

And for the record, it was one of Mrs. Rookie's happiest days the day after I clocked out of the restaurant game for good. With the hours, we never saw each other. Added to that was the stress of work. And while the rumors of the seedy lifestyle professional kitchen personnel practice is exaggerated, those exaggerations come from somewhere. That was for everyone who mentioned OP changed careers. The life of a professional chef is not at all conducive to family life.
 
I personally don‘t have time to worry about decor. My wife and I have an understanding that she can pick anything she wants but we both have to agree on whether we like it or not. I’m in the process of finishing our basement and will have a home office and my own bathroom. I’m outnumbered by girls in the house, girl stuff everywhere.

In the meantime we’re tearing out carpet on the main floor and putting in new vinyl plank. She brought home the samples she liked and we agreed on which one we like the most. Cabinets and counter tops next.

Pick your battles I say, but don’t let anyone make you their doormat.
 
First off, I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope you can find a resolution. Second, I'm also impressed with the quality of advice and commentary you have received from others on here- much more than the typical "wow, I can't beleive she's doing that, what a $^&%*, get rid of her and do what you want." I'm not going to particularly quote anyone's posts in particular, but I would emphasise that I agree with most of the points from almost everyone above.

I'm going to first point out a few assumptions/perceptions that I have made in my response.

1. You are unhappy with how things are going.
2. You still want/hope to continue a relationship with your wife.
3. You two haven't had a serious discussion about these issues in a wholistic way, rather than dealing with each individual conflict as it comes up.
4. I don't know much about your current financial situation, how past finances have been dealt with, or what the current financial dynamic between you two is.
5. I can be a very difficult person to deal with, particularly with the opposite gender and with issues like what you are discussing. I had intentionally thought I would never get married, but happened to find my wife who was "perfect" at about the 2-3 year mark of us being together, issues started coming up, but we have been able to solve them for the most part, but not without significant effort and emotional investment and discussion from both parties. We are now going on ~10 years going strong, but not without various conflict throughout the process, especially about "stuff" and money. I am EXTREMELY cheap, and like to hoard money as a "safety net" and take pleasure in doing things in the cheapest way possible and not wasting anything (for both financial and environmental reasons) and doing things myself (even if it doesn't really save any money).


I would say your first step is to determine what your options and "dealbreakers" are. It seems like this is a serious issue between you two, and so you need to approach this carefully and methodically to determine the best solution for you two.

I would consider drafting a two collumn document for yourself first to organize your thoughts. On one side, write out all of the things she has done or not done in the near past that have bothered you (at least those that have bothered you seriously). On the otherside, draft out why these things have bothered you and hopefully a possible resolution that you think would work for the two of you.

For example (and this may not correct for your exact sitauation):

1. You threw out my kitchen equiptment and replaced it with what I beleive looks similar to me.
2. I feel it is disrespectful to discrard my items without at least consulting me first; I use the kitchen and have professional experience in this area, therefore I see a lot of characteristics in items that will not be immediately apparent to others; my items are expensive and meant to be functional and durable; In my opinion, these items were discarded and replaced with items that looked very similar, but do not have the functional attributese or the durability of what I already had; by disregarding my opinions on decoration, I feel that you are placing a greater value on the opinion of a third party than your husband. For me, I attempt to value, respect, and place a greater weight on your opinions that that of any third party. Whether or not that is the case here, I feel like you are placing a greater emphasis on the designers opinions than mine; I have had less money than you growing up, so for me, it is difficult to see items thrown away that are still functional, especially when it takes additional money to replace those items.


In my experience, once you have arranged your own thoughts, have taken the time to organize them coherently, and attempt to approach your wife with a very tactful approach (which I will explain more below) with the intent of making things better for the two you, hopefully it will strengthen your relationship and help both of you move forward in a way that is more satisfying for both of you.




Once you have organized your thoughts, and decided exactly what you want to say to her, I would suggest approaching her at a convenient time, when both of you are already in a relatively good mood, starting with something along the lines, of "I feel like we have been having some difficulties lately with ____ (the "redecorating process?") I have some thoughts this that I think would make the process better for both of us. Is now a good time to discuss some of these items?" Depending on how contentious the process is, you could also start with something along the lines of, "I have some thoughts I would like to share with you, if you can listen to what I have to say, I am more than happy to listen to what you have to say afterwards- either now, or after you have had some time to think about it and organize your own thoughts. I will listen to whatever you have to say when you are ready to share."



In the end, you really have a few remedies:

1. Declare the relationship unsustainable and end it.
2. Determine that you can "deal with" whatever issues that are bugging you, and continue on just being frustrated about what is done with or without confronting her about them.
3. Try understand what the "problems" are for you AND for her and try and find a solution that works for the two of you. You try and understand her, and do things thing in the best way for her, and she tries to do the same. Where you have a conflict in "what is best," you two try and find a compromise that works for both.

IMHO, the reality is that in a two party relationship that you are trying to continue, there really is no "right or wrong," only what the overall good is. As extemely difficult as it can be, the best outcome is likely to be acheived by understanding of each party's opinions and both parties trying to act in each others best interest, and compromising on matters where the interests don't allign, regardless of who is "right" or "wrong."

Hope this is helpful.
 
Over time, the few pieces of decor I left out (mostly gifts or family heirlooms) have gone missing. Given away, thrown out or sold without a word said to me until I asked about them.

See that part? That is a direct correlation to what she feels about you, as a person.

You need to end it now, because it will NOT get better next week, next month, or next year, or ever.
Get out while it's only you that can get hurt.
 
To be fair, she didn't know they were heirlooms when she got rid of them and she was apologetic when I explained to her that was why I was mad about it. But I never felt I should have to justify the existence of my things in our home. When I moved in, we got rid of a massive amount of my stuff together because of overlap and the fact that decor and furniture (other than heirlooms and gifts) from my old home didn't matter to me. I guess that put her in the mindset that the things we didn't get rid of had just slipped through the cracks; but I can't presume to know. It happened more than once and from my perspective, that's the kind of mistake you don't make twice, and yes, going through this remodeling has kind of brought back the consciousness of that lack of concern for "my things".
 
To be fair, she didn't know they were heirlooms when she got rid of them and she was apologetic when I explained to her that was why I was mad about it. But I never felt I should have to justify the existence of my things in our home. When I moved in, we got rid of a massive amount of my stuff together because of overlap and the fact that decor and furniture (other than heirlooms and gifts) from my old home didn't matter to me. I guess that put her in the mindset that the things we didn't get rid of had just slipped through the cracks; but I can't presume to know. It happened more than once and from my perspective, that's the kind of mistake you don't make twice, and yes, going through this remodeling has kind of brought back the consciousness of that lack of concern for "my things".

It's good to see you realize the significance of the issue. Tell us where things are? Are you seeking couples counseling with a professional? If not, what are your thoughts about the future with this woman?
 
To be fair, she didn't know they were heirlooms when she got rid of them and she was apologetic when I explained to her that was why I was mad about it. But I never felt I should have to justify the existence of my things in our home. When I moved in, we got rid of a massive amount of my stuff together because of overlap and the fact that decor and furniture (other than heirlooms and gifts) from my old home didn't matter to me. I guess that put her in the mindset that the things we didn't get rid of had just slipped through the cracks; but I can't presume to know. It happened more than once and from my perspective, that's the kind of mistake you don't make twice, and yes, going through this remodeling has kind of brought back the consciousness of that lack of concern for "my things".

If she was wholly unaware that the things you had were gifts or heirlooms, she has zero interest in you.
I cannot imagine how she could see something she 'hadn't seen' before and not had the basic courtesy to ask you about it. Especially regarding the heirlooms. And you admit she has done it multiple time.

Based on what you have said, she would go ballistic if you randomly threw out something of 'hers', yet you make excuses for her actions.

I can understand you choosing to make a career change because the hours cause problems, but I cannot fathom allowing her to trash your cooking gear knowing that you sunk a lot of money into it. You cannot say she didn't know what that stuff meant to you, and how much time, energy, and money you spent to acquire it. And then to replace it with substandard garbage?

If you really want to try to make this work, put your foot down and demand that she attend couples therapy so you can get help to try and save the marriage. She has serious control issues, and they will not get better unless she wants them to.

I made the mistake of trying to make a failed marriage work, but we had a kid that was my primary concern. I ended up raising our daughter when we finally split. And it was terrible, because how do you explain to a child that one of their parents don't care enough about them to stay in touch?
You haven't mentioned if you have kids, so I'm assuming you don't. And if that's the case, I still say walk away before you do have one.
 
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