Wife absolutely refuses to give me a say in home decor.

[SliceOfLife]

So I was married 2.5 yrs ago. Moved into her home, turned mine into a rental. She has a HEAVY handed "Paris" theme. All the cheap chinese "Paris" pieces of decor you see at places like TJ Maxx and homegoods. I don't really care. I'm not particularly interested in home decor. But here's the thing. I'm a former chef. I have a LOT of kitchen equipment I use and need. Most of it is stuff that belongs on the counter. Most of it gets veto'ed for not matching decor... so every time I cook, I must dig out an entire kitchen of instruments, set them up, use them, clean them, and store them. Again, I dealt with it.

Over time, the few pieces of decor I left out (mostly gifts or family heirlooms) have gone missing. Given away, thrown out or sold without a word said to me until I asked about them.

During quarantine, she was bored and so decided to redecorate the second floor of our home. She asked me what I wanted. I told her the things I'd do. She told me what theme/style she wanted. Basically paint everything white and then use copper, glass and vintage wood accent pieces. I like copper, glass and wood (not thrilled about white, but whatever) so I started buying pieces of actual vintage copper cookware and glass and wooden decor. She got mad, told me to leave it to the Interior decorator (oh she hired an interior decorator who has been paid literally THOUSANDS of dollars to decorate two rooms... one being the kitchen).

So, she and the decorator buy several EXTREMELY poorly made Chinese light fixtures with cheap/bad wiring. I had to fix the wiring and install them... these fixtures cost hundreds of dollars each. Another ~10 G's spent on a new couch (similar to our old couch but white instead of grey and smaller) and various tables. And finally the decorator comes back for a final install of art pieces/decor.

She literally bought virtually identical pieces to everything I had bought and my wife got upset about and made me get rid of. The decor is 90% the same as what I had bought for <$200... she won't even tell me what it cost, but I'd guess, minimum $5000. There's three vintage carboys (giant glass bottles for beer brewing). I found these SAME items for $10/... she said no... I asked what the decorator charged her (again, for the EXACT SAME THINGS SHE REFUSED WHEN I SUGGESTED THEM)... she won't even tell me.

Now I assume this is partly my wife telling her what I like and trying to get a nice compromise in the decor... but buying cheap chinese "retro" pieces instead of actual vintage pieces that are made well... and paying dozens of times as much for them is not a compromise in my eyes.

So... I find a piece that is exactly what my wife wants for $10-50... suggest it to my wife and am told "I'm paying a decorator to buy this stuff, stop looking for it"... then the decorator (billing $100/hr) finds the same pieces, but cheaper and crummier for hundreds of dollars, buys them and tacks on a fat finders fee... and suddenly my wife LOVES them.

Case in point... part of the decor is half-dead Rosemary... everywhere. I have THRIVING Rosemary plants on the porch that for three years I've tried to get my wife to let me put inside the house... absolutely not. Decorator, goes out and buys half dead ones and charges god-knows what for them... and now they're not only fine to be in the house, they're a vital element of our home decor. I'm not kidding Rosemary every direction I look.


Anyone been in a similar situation? Is there some trick to getting a wife to not implicitly assume you know nothing about home decor and that paying some kid to tell her what looks good is better than actually deciding what you like for yourself?

 

[EclipseRedRing]

Whether you know anything of interior decor or not is irrelevant; there is a right and wrong way to treat anyone, let alone your partner, and that is the wrong way. I love and respect my wife and she feels the same way about me. We may disagree on some things but we discuss them and reach a compromise that pleases us both because we are a partnership of equals. I would not expect or accept that behaviour from my wife and she would not respect me if I did. Likewise I would not treat my wife in that way because I love her dearly and would not do anything which might upset her. I do not know what to advise but explaining how you feel might be a good place to start, maybe tell your wife what you just told your friends at B&B. Good luck.

 

[Bakker1964]

You and your partner would be better off talking about this, rather than seeking an endorsement of your feelings here.

I am not telling you that your frustration is "out of line", or that you are being unreasonable.

What I am saying is that you clearly seem frustrated, if not outright angry, with this entire situation and the things in your relationship which have led to this point. Bringing this here can go one of two ways . . .

1) You receive a lot of support for "your position" and it only further entrenches your frustration/anger about the whole matter, which you will take with you into any follow-on discussions about it with your wife, usually with poor results.

2) You receive a bunch of "happy wife, happy life" responses, which only serve to frustrate you further for their seeming lack of support of your logically presented argument.

Neither of these results helps YOU, and they certainly do not help you resolve this issue with your spouse. Because it does need to be resolved, or it will continue to be a source of anger and resentment.

I would suggest printing what you wrote here. Perhaps editing it first to soften some of the wording, but leaving the basic points intact. Then, you need to sit down with your spouse and have an honest and forthright discussion about this redecorating project (JUST this one). You need a CLEAR ACCOUNTING of what was paid, and what it would have cost doing things "your way". This allows you to point out the savings involved with "your position", and how those savings could have been spent in furthering one of her other projects. You could even suggest that, since you (I'm assuming) spend more time in the kitchen, that it would have only been more logical to have you take a more prominent role in how things were done. This approach does not have to be antagonistic, and you should do everything you can to avoid the appearance of that.

BUT THE TWO OF YOU DO NEED TO WORK THIS OUT YOURSELVES.

 

[alla2465]

Pull out the divorce papers ))

 

[Atlantic59]

I don't know your wife, but if I had to guess, I would say she has been influenced by "shelter" magazines or websites. This is a modern sickness.


Some of the key messages are:

• A home is not a comfortable place to live, but a stage on which to display your good taste and refinement to others
• You cannot rely on your own taste, but need to have your things and their arrangement curated and arranged for you in the "correct" way
• Everything must fit into some coordinated theme
• Money is no object

Your own wishes and ideas are not likely to be accepted unless you can demonstrate an "authoritative" source. Otherwise, they will be considered "tacky", "middle class", or worse.

You might be able to carve off an area of the house, well away from visitor's eyes, as your own turf. If you show her pretty pictures of your ideas from an "approved" magazine she might think they were OK.

 

[KeenDogg]

I'm not a good candidate for marital advice but I will say communicate. Talk softly and speak in feelings. Listen to her side. If it's not a financial burden, I wouldn't worry about it. If you love her, you must accept her everything. Lesson I have learned recently. It's no fun, believe me. The woman in my life is not perfect, but perfect does not exist. A wise man told me recently, dont let the great be the enemy of the good. Very best of luck.

 

[Bakker1964]

Now, for my story.

We bought our house 25 years ago. I told my wife I wanted to decide on the décor for our finished basement, and she could take care of the rest of the house. I picked what I liked for the walls, a lovely shade of wedgewood blue. From the start, she said she did not care for it, that it felt "cold". I held to my point that I liked it and she had the rest of the house to do as she pleased, so my choice should hold sway in the basement.

I came home from work at the end of the week to find my wife, her sister, and her Mother in the basement, repainting the walls to something she preferred. To say that I lost my temper would be like saying the Hatfield's and McCoy's was a "neighbourhood tiff". But we worked it out.

These days, I provide input, but generally let my wife have her way on decorating and most other things. I stick to the finances and nix ideas based on cost (if necessary), so that she can alter her plans to keep things within reason (and budget). she understands that, when I do "put my foot down", that I am not doing so out of pettiness or spite, and accepts that decision. It may not be perfect, but it works for us.

Next spring will be interesting, as I will be constructing my outdoor "man-cave", and she has been told that she will have no "say" in the end product.

 

[MntnMan62]

As someone who is on the way out of a 27 year marriage, I have to say there is literally no excuse to put up with your partner (isn't that what they are supposed to be?) throwing out your stuff without asking. It's a complete and total lack of respect. I've dealt with that and have had enough. Hearing you talk about your prior profession as a chef and having to deal with storing it all away tells me your wife is more interested in appearances than functionality. A kitchen needs to be functional and who nows better how to make a kitchen functional than a former chef? I spent 10 years working in restaurants in various capacities when I was younger and gained an appreciation for how to properly operate in a kitchen. And you need everything to be easily accessible. And I've spent my entire career in the real estate industry advising the ultra wealthy. And I can't tell you how many of these rich people would hire decorators. It's a complete waste. They spend top dollar buying from favored vendors who probably kick back a portion of the sales to the decorator plus the decorator charges you a fat fee for finding the stuff on top of the fee they are charging you to "decorate". Probably one of the biggest rip offs I've ever seen. I feel your pain. Fortunately you're only 2.5 years into this. Frankly, I'd tell her how you feel. After all she's spending half your money. And it is supposed to be a partnerhip, not a dictatorship. If she isn't willing to hear you about her thowing out your stuff and spending gobs of money on stuff you already had before then she isn't listening and isn't respecting you or your opinion. I understand the whole happy wife happy life thing. But that shouldn't come at the expense of miserable husband. Have the conversation. If she isn't receptive, move on. Meaning find someone of substance and who isn't so concerned about what's on the surface. Trust me, it doesn't get better over time. Only worse.

 

[Polarbeard]

My first wife came from a very wealthy background and after she'd graduated from the university she took it for granted that we'd move to a "proper" place and live live the life she'd grown up with with her kind of people and their set of values. The funny, beautiful, sexy and adventurous girl with a black leather jacket I once had fallen in love with soon became a woman that wouldn't go to buy a cartoon of milk in the local store without being perfectly dressed and with full make up. Of course everything I liked had by then been discarded as being "not of best taste" or even funny (and not in a good way) and had been replaced by very selected items and furniture. Soon I had no where to go except out the door, and I left.
She never understood why I left her after more than ten years together and I guess that now, 20 years later, she still might see me as a traitor. Personally I know the divorce saved me from becoming something dull matching the wallpaper.
My advice is to get out while you still have your self respect.

 

[MntnMan62]

I'm not a good candidate for marital advice but I will say communicate. Talk softly and speak in feelings. Listen to her side. If it's not a financial burden, I wouldn't worry about it. If you love her, you must accept her everything. Lesson I have learned recently. It's no fun, believe me. The woman in my life is not perfect, but perfect does not exist. A wise man told me recently, dont let the great be the enemy of the good. Very best of luck.

This is good advice. Somewhat different than my advice but not wrong by any means. It's a balance. Kind of like a business deal or transaction. When both parties walk away a little unhappy, that's a good deal. But when one party feels like they've been taken, then the balance is thrown off. It all depends on how unhappy you find yourself feeling. There is compromise and then there is being run over by a freight train. We just need to be aware enough to understand which one we are experiencing.

 

[Raven Koenes]

I caved on that one ages ago.

 

[ChiefHA]

Life is too long to live in misery..

 

[Owen Bawn]

When my friend got divorced he and his wife split the house down the middle. She got the inside and he got the outside.

 

[JCarr]

Communication is key to a good relationship. I think you have to let her know how you feel about the interior decorator thing. Try to communicate it in a way that isn't accusatory or hurtful. Be open to what she has to say in reply. Remember...your marriage is important. She's important. But communicate.

 

[Billski]

That @ackvil should be here for this problem.

 

[shavefan]

This thread makes me appreciate my wife and partner even more.

 

[Esox]

It seems to me 'communication' doesnt exist. From what I read, you dont have a voice and your opinion and feelings carry no weight.

Over time, the few pieces of decor I left out (mostly gifts or family heirlooms) have gone missing. Given away, thrown out or sold without a word said to me until I asked about them.

I have to say there is literally no excuse to put up with your partner (isn't that what they are supposed to be?) throwing out your stuff without asking. It's a complete and total lack of respect.

I'm with him ^^^. Compromise is a two way street. Not valuing your spouses opinion and disregarding their feelings is to me the height of disrespect. Ask yourself what would happen if you did the same with her cherished items.

I can understand the desire to vent, it helps to reason and understand, but based solely on what you've stated, if communication cant get things to a place you're happy with, seek outside help with a mutually agreed on professional third party if you want your relationship to continue without becoming bitter, resentful and angry.

 

[SliceOfLife]

I don't know your wife, but if I had to guess, I would say she has been influenced by "shelter" magazines or websites. This is a modern sickness.


Some of the key messages are:

• A home is not a comfortable place to live, but a stage on which to display your good taste and refinement to others
• You cannot rely on your own taste, but need to have your things and their arrangement curated and arranged for you in the "correct" way
• Everything must fit into some coordinated theme
• Money is no object

Your own wishes and ideas are not likely to be accepted unless you can demonstrate an "authoritative" source. Otherwise, they will be considered "tacky", "middle class", or worse.

You might be able to carve off an area of the house, well away from visitor's eyes, as your own turf. If you show her pretty pictures of your ideas from an "approved" magazine she might think they were OK.

This is honestly the impression I got. It doesn't surprise me that this is a thing. Her choices and behavior strongly implied something like what you suggest was at the root of this redecoration.


Thank you everyone. I appreciate the opinions and insight.

I've brought it up with my wife a few times, but I am not particularly tactful I suppose. I generally approach it from a cost perspective (as I mentioned, I don't have particularly strong feelings about decor beyond the lack of functionality in our kitchen... but spending thousands of dollars on "interior decoration" is insane to me)... which offends her. She grew up wealthy, I grew up poor. She pays $300 for a hairdo, I pay $8 for a student to cut my hair. There is a big disconnect on these issues, and I get the feeling she views my position on these things as a character flaw on my part... which always puts this conversation on a bad footing.


I left my career to return to school at her request (didn't like me working chef's hours) and contribute very little to our home financially consequently, so she's obviously viewing it as her spending her disposable income... meanwhile I'm borrowing money to pay for my school, and I don't feel it's right to bring up that the $20k she spent on interior decor because she was bored could have prevented us having to take on student loan debt... but that's another issue; and will resolve itself once I graduate and have a real income again (less than a year out now).

There have been some times bringing it up accomplished something. She bought a set of copper pans for $800. I got her to return them and bought the same pans for <$200. But mostly it just irritates her. She takes it very personally, and often 'misremembers'... claiming that the decorators purchases were made only because I didn't contribute towards the planning and purchasing (which is completely false, I spent months finding things and either being told not to buy them or having her insist I return or otherwise get rid of them). Almost every time we have a discussion about it, I leave with the idea that resounds the "Key Messages," Atlantic59 mentioned above almost exactly. One statement she's repeated is: "You don't know what looks good, (The decorator) went to college for it".

It's completed at this point, anyway. But I don't doubt that we'll redecorate again eventually; and I'm hoping that at that time, as I'll be a more significant financial contributor to our household budget, I'll have that additional weight in my arguments that I didn't have this time; but I'm wondering if maybe I approached the discussion entirely wrong to begin with.

 

[cleanshaved]

This thread makes me appreciate my wife and partner even more.

I try and keep my wife away from my partner.

 

[MrSpeedy]

I hate to tell you this, but her behavior won't change. It was redecorating this time; next it will be the car you drive, the clothes you wear, your friends, or how to raise the kids. She already changed your occupation. You don't have a partnership - you are in a dictatorship. Call the lawyer and cut your losses.