Is this a forum where we can share excerpts from our novels?
What are people writing about?
- Thread starter EL SOFA
- Start date
Oooh oooh oooh! Reading material! I approve! 
- Thread starter
- #3
Rat... Okay but take it easy on me. I wrote this a while back and only got six chapters in..
I thinks it's a place to share absolutely anything (given that it's appropriate in nature) related to pen/writing/etc. And personally, I am quite intrigued!
Additionally, there are tons of readers that hang out and talk about literature in the "Barber Shop."
Additionally, there are tons of readers that hang out and talk about literature in the "Barber Shop."
- Thread starter
- #5
Here is one of the chapters of this fiction....
High anxiety…. I was feeling worried about my shoes. Were they genuine ostrich or just lizard skin? The guy at the shoe store must have promised me twenty times that they were real ostrich. I made him keep promising me – and how could you blame me? I can’t tell lizard from ostrich from alligator and I’m supposed to just take this *******’s word for it? Please. So I was trying to calm down by telling myself it didn’t really matter because ostrich and lizard are both very nice shoes and comparable in price (about $1200 USD), but since EVERYONE seemed to be wearing ostrich these days, I took them off and tried yet again to make sure mine were ostrich too. There was absolutely nothing written on either ******* shoe so I finally just decided I’d tell people they’re real ostrich when they ask. Rare ostrich in fact. From Southeastern Australia. That’s of course where all the rare ostriches are usually nabbed by the poachers. Makes perfect sense because it’s about the only ******* place where ostrich still exist period. They’re practically extinct. Honestly I could not ******* believe the absurd line of crap the shoe guy was feeding me about how he only deals only with legitimate bird hunters and they all have their certification permits, whatever. Who does he think he’s trying to impress? Of course he deals only with ******* illegal poachers and he should have just told me that; you think I give a rat’s *** who whacks the birds or how they do it? Hell, I’d go ahead and nab one myself and give it right over to the ******* shoemaker if the opportunity arose. Doesn’t make one **** of difference in the quality of my shoes, right?
And take my seal skin overcoat for example. Let me guess: the seal lived a nice full life and died of natural causes and then luckily someone was able to salvage the skin and make my coat? Sounds nice if it were true, buy it’s not. Here’s the real story. I made all the arrangements over the internet. Seriously. I typed “seal skin overcoat” into Google and I just clicked on the first site that came up. I entered my corporate AMEX account number and date of expiry and then clicked on the seal overcoat picture. So with a few clicks of a mouse button I was able to arrange for some corrupt-*** Eskimo to get out of his crappy little igloo and club some idiotic seal over the head with a block of ice. That’s how I got this nice *** coat. But I might have to get another one because this one’s a little ****** up around the arm pits. I can’t exactly take it back, either. You get what you pay for. I was actually surprised that - not only was I was able to contact some crazy-*** Eskimo man via cyberspace, but that he accepted AMEX. Christ, he was irritated with me for not knowing about some Pay Pal™ system or whatever. I still don’t have a clue as to what the **** he was talking about; I had to hand the phone over to Kathy. Before I got this damn overcoat I just assumed Eskimo’s were still using the barter system and building simple canoes. I bet they’ll never stop clubbing seals though. Hope not.
Oh, and the desk. I wanted to be positive the wood was real Mahogany. When those Amish first delivered the damned thing I kept trying to tell them I didn’t know crap about wood and even I could tell that they’d swapped it with cheap oak. I got so pissed off and told em’ I could spot a rip-off artist from a mile away, the whole shebang. I basically told them the desk was a piece of crap. But actually, I found out that it IS the real deal because one day I brought a crow bar to work and pried up a small piece from the inside of one of the drawers. I took it and showed it to a few different woodworkers and they all said it was obviously mahogany. One of them said he’d been working with mahogany for twenty years and he was absolutely 100% positive it was genuine. I checked with a few other woodshops too, and everyone said it was definitely mahogany, no doubt about it. So now I’m somewhat convinced and I’ll ask Kathy to go ahead and pay those the Amish dick heads. Over the last six months they’ve sent so many pathetic invoices and late payment notifications it was getting ridiculous.
I should also think about paying those ******* at the shoe store because they’ve been just as bad hounding me about their $1200 friggin’ bucks, and when were they ever gonna see the money, and lawyers this, law suit that. Boo-hoo, I’m shaking in my boots, NOT. They’ve been totally pathetic; these ******* shoes don’t even keep their shine for more than a week. I seriously have to go to a shoe shine about once a week. Anyways, I decided to just pay the jerks for them so they’d quit the endless bitching.
It’s not like I don’t have enough money for Christ’s sake; I’m ******* rich out the *** with cash! I’ve got massive amounts of dough not only from my whopping inheritance thanks to my rich dead gramps, but also from this piece of crap corporate exec job. Joke of a job. When I first signed on, my Jewish lawyer totally ****** them over with all this small wording in my contract regarding my bonus structure. Tons of legal mumbo jumbo that’s extremely long and totally boring. The damn thing’s about 65 pages long I think. Anyway, the nerds down in Legal misinterpreted one of the clauses on page 59 and now it’s impossible for the company NOT to give me these insanely huge bonuses each quarter. And it gets better! My lawyer - Allen Goldstein, or Goldblatt, whatever, set it up so the bonus keeps growing exponentially each quarter. When he first told me about it we both went to tears laughing at those poor nerds down in legal. I think they got fired fore that. Goldstein says I’m set for life without ever doing a lick of work. Guy’s a ******* genius.
Getting back to the point, I’m raking in WAY more dough than the guy selling endangered species shoes could ever imagine. Just to make my point, I just bought a brand new Porsche and another wine vineyard in northern France. So if the piddly $1200 bucks will get those bird poaching shoe assholes off my ***, then I’ll gladly have Kathy cut them a check and write it off as a miscellaneous business expense. Probably not even real ostrich. So totally pathetic, those shoe store jerks.
High anxiety…. I was feeling worried about my shoes. Were they genuine ostrich or just lizard skin? The guy at the shoe store must have promised me twenty times that they were real ostrich. I made him keep promising me – and how could you blame me? I can’t tell lizard from ostrich from alligator and I’m supposed to just take this *******’s word for it? Please. So I was trying to calm down by telling myself it didn’t really matter because ostrich and lizard are both very nice shoes and comparable in price (about $1200 USD), but since EVERYONE seemed to be wearing ostrich these days, I took them off and tried yet again to make sure mine were ostrich too. There was absolutely nothing written on either ******* shoe so I finally just decided I’d tell people they’re real ostrich when they ask. Rare ostrich in fact. From Southeastern Australia. That’s of course where all the rare ostriches are usually nabbed by the poachers. Makes perfect sense because it’s about the only ******* place where ostrich still exist period. They’re practically extinct. Honestly I could not ******* believe the absurd line of crap the shoe guy was feeding me about how he only deals only with legitimate bird hunters and they all have their certification permits, whatever. Who does he think he’s trying to impress? Of course he deals only with ******* illegal poachers and he should have just told me that; you think I give a rat’s *** who whacks the birds or how they do it? Hell, I’d go ahead and nab one myself and give it right over to the ******* shoemaker if the opportunity arose. Doesn’t make one **** of difference in the quality of my shoes, right?
And take my seal skin overcoat for example. Let me guess: the seal lived a nice full life and died of natural causes and then luckily someone was able to salvage the skin and make my coat? Sounds nice if it were true, buy it’s not. Here’s the real story. I made all the arrangements over the internet. Seriously. I typed “seal skin overcoat” into Google and I just clicked on the first site that came up. I entered my corporate AMEX account number and date of expiry and then clicked on the seal overcoat picture. So with a few clicks of a mouse button I was able to arrange for some corrupt-*** Eskimo to get out of his crappy little igloo and club some idiotic seal over the head with a block of ice. That’s how I got this nice *** coat. But I might have to get another one because this one’s a little ****** up around the arm pits. I can’t exactly take it back, either. You get what you pay for. I was actually surprised that - not only was I was able to contact some crazy-*** Eskimo man via cyberspace, but that he accepted AMEX. Christ, he was irritated with me for not knowing about some Pay Pal™ system or whatever. I still don’t have a clue as to what the **** he was talking about; I had to hand the phone over to Kathy. Before I got this damn overcoat I just assumed Eskimo’s were still using the barter system and building simple canoes. I bet they’ll never stop clubbing seals though. Hope not.
Oh, and the desk. I wanted to be positive the wood was real Mahogany. When those Amish first delivered the damned thing I kept trying to tell them I didn’t know crap about wood and even I could tell that they’d swapped it with cheap oak. I got so pissed off and told em’ I could spot a rip-off artist from a mile away, the whole shebang. I basically told them the desk was a piece of crap. But actually, I found out that it IS the real deal because one day I brought a crow bar to work and pried up a small piece from the inside of one of the drawers. I took it and showed it to a few different woodworkers and they all said it was obviously mahogany. One of them said he’d been working with mahogany for twenty years and he was absolutely 100% positive it was genuine. I checked with a few other woodshops too, and everyone said it was definitely mahogany, no doubt about it. So now I’m somewhat convinced and I’ll ask Kathy to go ahead and pay those the Amish dick heads. Over the last six months they’ve sent so many pathetic invoices and late payment notifications it was getting ridiculous.
I should also think about paying those ******* at the shoe store because they’ve been just as bad hounding me about their $1200 friggin’ bucks, and when were they ever gonna see the money, and lawyers this, law suit that. Boo-hoo, I’m shaking in my boots, NOT. They’ve been totally pathetic; these ******* shoes don’t even keep their shine for more than a week. I seriously have to go to a shoe shine about once a week. Anyways, I decided to just pay the jerks for them so they’d quit the endless bitching.
It’s not like I don’t have enough money for Christ’s sake; I’m ******* rich out the *** with cash! I’ve got massive amounts of dough not only from my whopping inheritance thanks to my rich dead gramps, but also from this piece of crap corporate exec job. Joke of a job. When I first signed on, my Jewish lawyer totally ****** them over with all this small wording in my contract regarding my bonus structure. Tons of legal mumbo jumbo that’s extremely long and totally boring. The damn thing’s about 65 pages long I think. Anyway, the nerds down in Legal misinterpreted one of the clauses on page 59 and now it’s impossible for the company NOT to give me these insanely huge bonuses each quarter. And it gets better! My lawyer - Allen Goldstein, or Goldblatt, whatever, set it up so the bonus keeps growing exponentially each quarter. When he first told me about it we both went to tears laughing at those poor nerds down in legal. I think they got fired fore that. Goldstein says I’m set for life without ever doing a lick of work. Guy’s a ******* genius.
Getting back to the point, I’m raking in WAY more dough than the guy selling endangered species shoes could ever imagine. Just to make my point, I just bought a brand new Porsche and another wine vineyard in northern France. So if the piddly $1200 bucks will get those bird poaching shoe assholes off my ***, then I’ll gladly have Kathy cut them a check and write it off as a miscellaneous business expense. Probably not even real ostrich. So totally pathetic, those shoe store jerks.
- Thread starter
- #6
^^^ This is the character people are supposed to hate (obviously).
I thought that was from your journal 
- Thread starter
- #8
I know..it's amateur hour and that was my stuff when I was younger. Now I do know the difference between exotic leathers and accept that eskimo's take paypal. It's a nice world now!I thought that was from your journal
- Thread starter
- #9
I can release more chapters if people are interested. Although, I doubt that will be the case. I've shown people these and they encourage me to see a shrink and/or recommend a good mental institution. I'd like to put "lol" but that would sound thin and warbly.
Your expression is YOUR expression, don't down-play it. Be proud that you've written, most do not even try out of fear of failure. We grow, we learn, we succeed, and we fail - but only if we try.
- Thread starter
- #11
Thanks Treadway. Trouble is, I wrote this novel about a year before "American Psycho" was released. So now people say my book is "a fun read" but a copy idea... It's not! But oh well. I shall move on to the next! I am thinking to combine a downtrodden but bright philosopher (that's truly onto something huge) that's working against "the system"..
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Made me choke on my coffee.I thought that was from your journal
- Thread starter
- #13
I thought that was from your journal
I should name that book My Journal. Lol
