Well, I think I may be getting a divorce.

[AvariCe]

Stay strong man and may everything work out for the best.
Just do whatever you think will make you happy.

 

[hydro-magic]

I went through the same thing a little over 10 years ago. Be glad there aren't any kids to make this much more difficult. But before you make the final decision, if financial issues are the main concern, see if you can resolve them. If selling the house and going back to renting can make you both happy again, it's worth a try. It sounds like there may be more to it than financial issues though. If you know it's just never going to work out, I definitely agree with trying to do an amicable split. Paying lawyers to fight over how things split is counter-productive for both of you so even if you have to give a little more than you think is fair, you might still be better off in the long run to agree on the split and be done with it.

 

[Seraphim]

Fenris,

Many of us have been exactly where you are now including me. I had, what I now affectionately refer to as, a practice wife. We got married for bad reasons and divorced for good ones and as a result are still friends. We had no kids and so we divided what little property we had between ourselves with no rancor and no attorneys and though I got stuck taking the loss for our house, it only proved the old saying to me that "Divorce is expensive because it's worth it." You're going to come out of this experience a whole lot smarter and if you use what you learned the second time around, then you might just meet somebody with whom you can genuinely share the rest of your life with. I did. With all respect and affection to my first wife, I traded up. We celebrated 20 years married this past August and I'll tell anyone who doesn't have something better to do that I love her even more now than then. Seriously. It blows my mind.

As for the suggestion that in the "good old days" people stuck it out for 50 years, those days may have been old, but they were not particularly good. The average man, prior to the 20th Century, lived to their late 40's and somewhere between 25-50% of births resulted in the mother dying (I've heard both figures. Don't know enough to know which is more accurate, but both are startling.) A marriage that lasted 50 years prior to the widespread use of antibiotics and the general acceptance of germ theory was a rarity. And all this ignores the limited choices for women and for whom marriage, even to a miserable perhaps abusive man, was preferable to the uncertainty outside of it.

You may or may not be right that the marriage is irreconcilable, but you'll never have a definitive answer to that question. That's not knowledge we get to have. You have to make the best judgement you can with the information and wisdom you have and make a decision. I can say with certainty, however, that divorce is not just the end of something but the beginning also. It's incredibly difficult and painful, but it does end. That's not nothing.

Best of luck and no matter how tempted you may be during the process, remain a gentleman and above petty rancor or spite.

Men had such short lifespans because they were married.

 

[Anigai]

I'm 21 now but my parents separated before my father went to prison when I was 15. The prison part is a long story but the trust was gone nonetheless which i believe is one of the most important parts of any relationship. Although kids were involved (me & 1 sister) my mother had to take on everything because he ended up in prison. I still love and respect my father don't get me wrong because blood is thicker than water to me but he's been dragging out the divorce that my mother filed for 2 years ago out of spite. It's killing him and my mother because he's the type to not want to let go and move on.

My point is pretty much the same as many others here, don't drag it out because it's not a nice thing to go through. To quote a wise man I read earlier in here but don't remember the name of "It's like ripping off a band-aid."

 

[gibsonx4]

See a marriage counselor.

 

[ColtRevolver]

Divorce isn't fun. 15 years ago, a I went thru a friendly divorce because we were two different people and knew it. We remained close during the divorce and even for a couple of years afterwards. It was a mourning process. Now, that's over I know I ended up better for it. I haven't seen her in 13 years and don't miss what is gone.

 

[BlueLineWarrior]

See a marriage counselor.

DO this before you throw in the towel. If the bills are mounting ditch the debt. Get rid of everything else first before you go through with the divorce. If you absolutely cannot stay married, you can still be friends AND have a lot less debt to start over financially.

 

[BriDroid]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Don't fear the "D" word though. I divorced my first wife after 10 years of marriage almost 6 years ago now. Starting over is scarey for sure, but it's not the end of the world. Luckily we didn't have any kids, that would have really complicated things! All we had is a house, which it sounds like you do.

Things will get better, I promise. It might not seem like it now, but trust me. Stay strong and keep your head up!

 

[PugslyCat]

I went through an ugly divorce in Maryland about 15 years ago. My advice is as follows:

• Take the high road - No matter how well you are getting along, one party will always wind up being considered the crazy, unreasonable one. Don't be that guy. It will only cause a death spiral.
• Go to marriage counseling - Be ready for some tough advice and be willing to follow through on that advice, even if you don't like it but it's not a deal breaker. I didn't take the advice to get out immediately and am still scarred by the whole ordeal.
• Go to financial counseling - You identified debt as a big stress on the marriage. Same advice as above as far as taking the advice of the people you pay to know more about this than you. If we had done the financial counseling it probably would have gotten my head straight about the divorce a lot earlier. It actually saved my second marriage.
• Be quick about it - If you do go through with the divorce, get through it as quickly as possible. Relations may be pleasant enough now, but things aren't going to improve any during the process. If things go bad, they will go very bad very quickly. Maryland required a year of legal separation before scheduling a divorce hearing. It was like one of those movie fights where the combatants have a knife in one hand and their other hands are tied together.
• Your lawyer is not your marriage counseler - Don't rack up billable hours using him as a shoulder to cry on.
• Do what you can yourselves - Keep your lawyer in the loop and get his blessing, but do as much as you can between the two of you as long as you are still on good enough terms. It costs less for you to hand her a car title to be signed than for his office to prepare documents and send it registered mail.
• It's a trap! - If things get ugly, cut off all communications with your spouse and do the minimal required communications through your attorney.
• Save your golf clubs now - If you have any hobbies or special interests, get anything related to those interests into storage now. You may wind up spending a ton of money on legal fees, get a judgement that property is returned to you, and still never see it again.

 

[MrSpeedy]

I am sorry this is happening. I've been in your shoes and it's no fun.

Only you know if your marriage is broken beyond repair or if a marriage counselor could help. You need to be honest with yourself, and your wife, about this. Are you unhappy in your marriage or just unhappy? Again, only you know this. If you are just unhappy, getting divorced won't change this.

I ultimately chose to get divorced because I didn't like the person I was when I was married. I had changed - not for the better - and was losing sight of the person I had been.

Best of luck.

 

[oc_in_fw]

I'm sorry about this situation, but I couldn't quite understand what the problems are that lead you both to consider divorce.
I think that once people get married, they should stuck to it through thick and thin, because it's not any type of trouble that make it impossible for folks to stay together, but their lack of will to get through them whatever it takes and their lack of belief that they actually can. That's why today people divorce left and right, while in the good old times they made it through and after some 50 years of marriage in most cases thought it was worth it. My advice is - try your best to make it work, cause it's worth it.

My grandmother stuck through it, until (fortunately) my paternal father had a heart attack and died in his early 50's. He was an abusive SOB. Not everything was better in the "good old days"

 

[oc_in_fw]

See a marriage counselor.

and I would suggest a financial one, too. That is the #1 cause of marital friction.

 

[Redzone]

Good advice here as usual. Been married for 23 years and my advice would be seek counseling first (marriage and financial)
We are all with you and feel for your situation.

All the best.

 

[Columbus]

At first glance, it might seem strange to post such a situation on what is essentially a shaving (grooming) forum. However, there really isn't a better community to be found on the web. Outstanding individuals from all walks of life. I commend B&B for providing a section such as "The Barber Shop."

Listen carefully to those who have walked a similar path, and learn from their experiences. In the end, the path you take is your own, and only you know what is right. Best of luck, brother.

 

[Deltaboy]

Prayers sent for this couple.

 

[RJ 5280]

I'm not a marriage counselor but the 4 things that I see most common in divorce are money, infidelity, alcohol/drug abuse, and mental instability.
My parents have been together for 34 years now. There was times when I grew up that I wished they had gotten a divorce. Would it made them happy? Sure but so would going to marriage counseling. Not sure why they stuck it out but it was rough childhood for me.

Me and my wife have been married about 4 years now. In order to get married where we were at we had to attend premarital counseling. The chaplain there gave us some tools to help us with fighting. Yes you will fight, its normal, just like being intimate. After we were married we had a couple sessions with him. He helped us realize who was "right" in arguments, and helped me with some behavior modifications. I had to leave for Korea a year after we got married and was shutting her out about 2 months from my departure date. Knowing that I do that and trying harder to be closer to her when I left this last time it really made it easier for us to leave.

There is a movie that came out a few years ago called Fireproof. You might want to check it out. I also do recommend marriage counseling, its cheaper than a lawyer. Also some debt counseling, cause even if you get a divorce someone is still stuck paying for the house. We did Financial Peace university. It has some good and bad sides. Suzie Orman also has some good strategies.

+1 on Financial Peace University

First things first, if you are looking to her to make you happy you will never be happy and vice versa, you are the only one that can truley make yourself happy. This may sound selfish, but looking for happiness outside yourself is foolish.

Second, pickup Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey, or better yet take the Financial Peace University. My wife and I took this class and it changed out marriage. It showed us that we were not the only one in our situation, and by doing the budget we developed a level of communication that was never there before. Also by paying of debts one by one it give you as a couple small victories to celebrate with each other.

Here is the link:
http://www.daveramsey.com/store/fin...dvd-home-study-kit-9-week-course/prod163.html


I truly hope you consider this option. I don't know the full situation, however, I do think this class could change you life and your marriage.

 

[Usascot]

I went through an ugly divorce in Maryland about 15 years ago. My advice is as follows:

• Take the high road - No matter how well you are getting along, one party will always wind up being considered the crazy, unreasonable one. Don't be that guy. It will only cause a death spiral.
• Go to marriage counseling - Be ready for some tough advice and be willing to follow through on that advice, even if you don't like it but it's not a deal breaker. I didn't take the advice to get out immediately and am still scarred by the whole ordeal.
• Go to financial counseling - You identified debt as a big stress on the marriage. Same advice as above as far as taking the advice of the people you pay to know more about this than you. If we had done the financial counseling it probably would have gotten my head straight about the divorce a lot earlier. It actually saved my second marriage.
• Be quick about it - If you do go through with the divorce, get through it as quickly as possible. Relations may be pleasant enough now, but things aren't going to improve any during the process. If things go bad, they will go very bad very quickly. Maryland required a year of legal separation before scheduling a divorce hearing. It was like one of those movie fights where the combatants have a knife in one hand and their other hands are tied together.
• Your lawyer is not your marriage counseler - Don't rack up billable hours using him as a shoulder to cry on.
• Do what you can yourselves - Keep your lawyer in the loop and get his blessing, but do as much as you can between the two of you as long as you are still on good enough terms. It costs less for you to hand her a car title to be signed than for his office to prepare documents and send it registered mail.
• It's a trap! - If things get ugly, cut off all communications with your spouse and do the minimal required communications through your attorney.
• Save your golf clubs now - If you have any hobbies or special interests, get anything related to those interests into storage now. You may wind up spending a ton of money on legal fees, get a judgement that property is returned to you, and still never see it again.

Not enough details on OP's specific situation.

i had a friend who got involved with a sociopath. Court was the only way. It turned into a big joke.
Worthless court, lawyers and procedure. Just a moneymaking thing.

I hope things go better for you..

 

[Andy77]

I'm no expert, but my wife and I have had our share over the last 10+ years - so this is my 2 cents.

Like many have said, see a counselor and take it seriously. Heck, see two or three and really identify what the REAL problems are and if you can reconcile them.

Also simplify your financial life. Sell the house even if you lose money in the process. Rent, have fewer and smaller bills and live simply. I've been underneath a big home payment and I know how insidious financial troubles can be to the rest of your life.

Take care of yourself.

 

[snowman]

+1 with making every effort possible to fix things. If you cant and it comes to the Big D, no matter how well you think you get along or how you agreed to handle a divroce when you were still married, toss it all out the window, dont sign a thing, and get a lwayer as fast as you can. I have never in my life spoken to a single soul that went thru a good divorce or an easy divorce. They all turned ugly before it was over.

 

[fine wine]

Don't make the lawyers rich.

What he said