this is a rant about the ugly side of charity

[amishmotorboat]

First, I would like to thank my fellow B&B members. When you offered to help and I said I didn't need it, you didn't press the issue. I am grateful for that.

The giving, caring, loving characters in my hometown are an altogether different story.

Forgive me for what I'm about to say, but I liken their efforts to date rape.

I am a proud man. I provide for my family and loathe depending on anyone else.
Yes, in the first few moments after our fire, it was nice that they were there. We were cold. No coats, no shoes. Our neighbors, bless them, provided. These things can be given back in short order and without much ado.

I meet with the adjuster. We have good insurance. All will be fine. I say so. Nobody listens.

Churches call and offer help. Friends, relatives, friends of friends, relatives of friends of friends. They all call and offer help. Offering money, tv's, couches. We're ok, I say. If you don't take it, I'll just be giving it to Goodwill, so you might as well take it. Ok, I say.

Local newspaper front page. Look at that poor family. Give to that poor family. Here are the locations where you can give to that poor family.

Radio station saying the same.

Trying to say no. Nobody listens. Sister says they're going to do it anyways, you might as well let them like they did for that other family. Violated.

Sitting in church. Around goes the offering plate. Afterward, without my permission, pastor says they're taking up a second offering for that poor family. Sitting right there. Feel eyes on me and mine. Ambushed. Can't say anything. Would look like an ***.

Heat dying down. Starting to feel like a normal guy. Fewer people I meet starting sentences with 'sorry to hear about'. Fewer times I want to say 'sorry you caught me today'. Son's school calls. They took up a coin drive. A what? Nobody asked me. Stuff done in my name. Begging done in my name. LAMINATED PICTURE OF MY SON on a flier asking for coins. Feel sick. Violated. Pressured to come down to school and attend presentation, accept check from children and pose for picture in paper. Last nerve. Remain calm but speak mind. Response is more pressure, made to feel like an ***. You should come anyways, kids wanted to help, this is a good thing, like we did for that other family.
Great. That other family. We'll be that other family to the next family.
Give in. Let the kids feel good about themselves, but no picture. No article. Enough.

It was just stuff. Aside from a few sentimental items, insurance can buy it back. The fire only took stuff.

The community took my dignity.

I feel grateful because my upbringing tells me I should. I feel angry because I do.

 

[Spacegeezer]

I heard an anecdote about a church (?) or perhaps orphanage (?) in Mexico, just across from the U.S. border that has begun requesting missions trips give it a miss because it being repainted every few weeks has become a major inconvenience.

Perhaps, if you are "requested" to appear and speak at something similar again you can take the time to talk about the importance of insuring your home and how you'll be passing the "gift" along to an actual charity as your insurance is covering your actual loss.

 

[Silk]

Hmm, I hear what you're saying, but I don't think you realise how blessed you are to live in a civilised community. There are places in the world where people have to live in fortresses because their "neighbours" are more savage and malevolent than animals.

 

[raisindot]

Frankly, while I have the utmost sympathy for your situation and are glad to hear you are coming out of this okay, I find your attitude to be a bit arrogant.

Comparing a community's philanthropic efforts--however misguided they might be--to date rape is incredibly insensitive. I doubt any man or woman who has ever suffered through rape would compare this experience to one of others offering financial assistance out of a concern for your welfare.

Given that everyone in your community is going overboard, didn't you start in the first place by accepting help from your neighbors? By doing you created the impression that you needed this help and your neighbors felt that they could continue to help by bringing others in.

Did you go to the pastor of your church and tell him/her that you didn't want your parishioners to provide aid to you? Did you go to your children's school? In short, did you make it very, very clear that you didn't want any more help of this kind?

Admittedly, some of the things that your fellow parishioners and your children's schoolfriends are doing are a bit whacked and may be done more out of their own desire to "do good" than out of sensitivity for your situation, but so what? In this age of transient populations when people don't speak with their neighbors and are totally self-absorbed, you, and anyone else who lives in your town, are damned lucky to have people there who actually care about others, even if their efforts go to extremes.

If you really feel put off by all of this, email all of your friends, send letters to your local newspaper, contact your kids' school and your church, thank them for their generous support but tell then you're all set, and then declare you are doing to give all the "extra" money you have received from them to your local homeless shelter or food pantry.

Jeff in Boston

 

[Baloosh]

This looks more like a rant by the ugly side of a recipient of generosity and philanthropy.

 

[Gruder]

Beautifully stated, amishmotorboat, and certainly understandable. Charitable traditions in many global cultures stipulate that giving should be both sincere on the part of the giver and needed on the part of the recipient (the onus is on the giver, typically, to make both determinations). Alas, U.S. charity sometimes misses the part about need.

My favorite (?) such story is the tale of a cargo container full of fur coats sent to Indonesia shortly after the 2004 tsunami. Um, thanks. (The tax write-off was no doubt far more beneficial to the donor than the coats were to folks living on the equator.)

Of course, your neighbors aren't doing what they're doing for tax benefits, so if there's some solace to be found (other than your well-expressed thankfulness for safety and insurance), it's that, through your graciousness and patient nature, lots of kids and community members have had an opportunity to think outside of themselves for a few moments. Those learning opportunities, particularly for kids, are wonderful, and may inspire lifetimes of giving. (Better still if they found folks who actually needed the help, I'll grant.)

As for moving forward, have you considered a letter to the editor, thanking the community and reminding them of the importance of both insurance and the power of a town unified in giving? I'm sure you've thought about channeling the money to more needy folks, as well, whether anonymously or not. A conversation in person with your pastor, a school leader, and perhaps the newspaper editor may also be helpful in helping you move on, dignity restored. The passion and clarity with which you wrote your post left me with a great respect for you (respect, not pity -- a crucial distinction!). I'm guessing they might feel the same way if approached.

Thanks for sharing this. It's important for all of us to think about need as we consider giving. My best to you as you seek restored dignity and calmer days ahead.

 

[Topgumby]

I can't say I've walked that mile in your moccasins, but the closest I've come is getting a lot of props and people buying and doing stuff for me and my family because of a mostly uneventful tour of duty in OIF. I was a well paid volunteer, and while I felt slightly embarrassed at the attention, to this day I am grateful for it, and I understand the motivations of those who were helping out were far more important to recognize than any sense of pride I had at "going it alone".

If you feel the help is unjustified and not needed, simply pass the money and goods on to somebody else that does need it, all while saying "thank you so much, we are managing quite well now but this is appreciated, I'll pass it on".

I'm glad that that you've recovered so well.

 

[tg16]

The most important thing you can do in a tragedy or loss is listen to the folks who have suffered that loss and have the courtesy to ask before giving or having an offering at church. From my experience, and I deal a lot with people giving, some will ignore the wishes of the family and do whatever makes them (the giver) feel good. At that point, they've made it all about themselves and there's not much charitable in their heart.

 

[valmara1971]

Hmm I remember reading your thread describing the fire and the outpouring of well wishing and offers of support from B&B members. I also remember you very clearly stating you didn't require anything.
Now B&B members don't know you on a personal level so direction from you would be easy to follow and of course many of the members live thousands of miles away like me.
I felt and explained to you about how I empathised with you and your family and of course tried to put myself in your headspace. That's easy to do whilst I'm sat reading your post about your home 1000's of miles away.
Now imagine how someone who knows you and your family feels. They also put themselves in your shoes BUT they can not stop thinking about you as they know you, live near you and see you every day.
I understand your a proud man and like to stand on your own feet. Now just imagine if the insurance had told you hmmm actually we think you did it on purpose or something equally stupid and there was a massive argument about getting paid out. If you had turned down every offer of help you would have looked really dumb going around saying oh you knowwhat on second thoughts yes please give me anything you can spare I just got nailed by the insurance company.
Folks want to help and that's great, don't hate them for doing something good. There are so many places where nobody would have offered you a coat to keep you warm that night. Your comparrison of your situation to date rape is way off base and not inkeeping with your usual tone. If your pride was bruised by others good intentions then you better deal with it. I'm not a religious man by any means but I'm sure pride is seen as a bad thing by the church, humility and grace are much more favored are they not?

 

[RichGem]

The most important thing you can do in a tragedy or loss is listen to the folks who have suffered that loss and have the courtesy to ask before giving or having an offering at church. From my experience, and I deal a lot with people giving, some will ignore the wishes of the family and do whatever makes them (the giver) feel good. At that point, they've made it all about themselves and there's not much charitable in their heart.

+1. Charity, no matter how well-intended, should never be forced on a recipient, nor should the need be brought before the public without the intended recipient's go ahead. The recipient's dignity and pride (in the good sense) need to be respected as much as possible.

 

[LarryAndro]

Our house burned to the ground in 1994, and we went thru the insurance process and recovery. Ended up in better shape than before the fire. But, it seemed like we lost 9 months out of our lives.

And, you are right. The clothes are nice the first day. After that, the physical part falls into place rapidly. Not much need for Goodwill stuff. (I'm not hoity toity. Insurance is a business, and they want to sell me their product. And, I used their product as advertised and intended.)

I have one comment on your experience based on my family and my wife's family...

My clan will die for you, give you their house and home, but only if you need it and want it and ask for it. We will open the conversation and topic and give you a graceful way to ask for something. But, if you don't ask, we honor your dignity. Dignity is everything to us.

My wife's clan is no more nor less dedicated than mine. But, they would act just like your town acted. The clan would have descended on you like a horde of locusts, offering you everything they had amassed thru the years from Goodwill and Salvation Army. Food would have continually shown up. Etc, etc.

Another contrast between the two clans is hospital stays. We designate someone to stay with the person. But, often give the person space, sitting in the waiting room. The person in bed knows everyone loves them, but would feel badly if everyone showed up, preferring everyone to "just keep working... you have your life too."

On the other hand, my wife's whole tribe descends on a hospital and practically lives there!

Too late, my friend! But, you should have moved to a town full of Scandinavians (my clan) instead of a town full of Scotch-Irish-German-Indians (my wife's clan.)

... Like how I "trashed" four nationalities with one comment? I'm good!

 

[amishmotorboat]

Thank you - all of you - for your insights.
There are things I could have handled better, from the beginning, but lacked the courage to do so.

LarryAndro, you've nailed the heritage guessing game. Norwegian, through and through. Our town is a mix of Scandinavian, German, some blend of the two, and 'not from around here'.

It is all about pride. I know it's not a virtue, but neither is it something I'm capable of letting go of.
It is like the test of need. If the need is not great enough that you overcome your pride and ask for help, then you don't need it badly enough.

 

[Walt Whitman]

I can't say I've walked that mile in your moccasins, but the closest I've come is getting a lot of props and people buying and doing stuff for me and my family because of a mostly uneventful tour of duty in OIF. I was a well paid volunteer, and while I felt slightly embarrassed at the attention, to this day I am grateful for it, and I understand the motivations of those who were helping out were far more important to recognize than any sense of pride I had at "going it alone".

If you feel the help is unjustified and not needed, simply pass the money and goods on to somebody else that does need it, all while saying "thank you so much, we are managing quite well now but this is appreciated, I'll pass it on".

I'm glad that that you've recovered so well.

A most gentlemanly and classy way of handling the situation; this is sage advice.

 

[Buck]

I hear what you are saying. In my line of work I handle a great deal of charitable efforts from people - all of which is well intentioned - much of it is misguided. During the earthquake in Pakistan a few years back, many sea containers of used clothing were sent to help out. The people however did not need the clothing - still the containers came. Soon there were piles of clothing clogging much needed roads becoming health hazzards and health traps. They had to be burned (using fuel that WAS needed). Thus dotted all along the countryside were smoking heaps of well intentioned help from North America.

Like wise in Afghanistan - western style clothing was sent - who does one think the Taliban would target when passing through a village - those wearing traditional wear which was plentiful and cheap - or those who were wearing dukes of Hazzard T shirts and Jeans.

I've seen generators dropped off at an orphanage by some country and after the photo op - they go off without hooking it up or helping to find a source of diesel fuel to actually run it. When we sat down and had tea and got to know the people of the orphanage they asked us for mattresses so the children could sleep. Not as flashy, much cheaper and far more needed than a 200,000 generator. Which the Taliban would have blown up if given half a chance.

I also hear the predicament that you are in - that when you have some pride some dignity to try to NOT be a charity case and object of pity - you are seen as being ungrateful. This is not the case. My Friend it's hard to be gracious when people paint you up to be pathetic and needy. You are not! It also bears witness to the intentions of some people when they offer help and then become angry or lash out when you try to politely refuse. I applaud your dignity! Most of the time we need a hand up and a hand out. Continue to be strong. Your rant is heard and understood.

 

[hypo_style]

Amish,

I commend you for your honesty, and willingness to admit to emotions in this scenario that many would consider uncharitable or ungentlemanly. These are your feelings, and I think it is far healthier for you to "own" them, reflect on them and understand where they come from than to do what many men in your situation would do, which is to bury them and judge yourself for them, turn your anger inward. I don't think you should be judged for these emotions. I'm sure you come by them honestly.

As someone who has a lot of anger myself, especially in situations where I feel a loss of control and the assumption (by others) of what my feelings are or should be, your reaction is not so strange to me. I could easily see myself feeling the same way, and I know that I have in past situations, situations far less stressful than yours. I would feel boxed in, acting out a role that is prescribed for me by others, and I would bristle and bridle at the feeling of confinement, judgment, assumption.

But I am slowly learning for myself that the only way out of these feelings is through mutual communication and understanding, and I second the recommendations of others in this thread who have suggested as much.

I am glad to hear that your situation is getting better, and I hope that the experience overall proves someday to have been an opportunity to know yourself a little better, and hopefully leaves you a stronger person because of it.

 

[Intrigued]

+1. Charity, no matter how well-intended, should never be forced on a recipient, nor should the need be brought before the public without the intended recipient's go ahead. The recipient's dignity and pride (in the good sense) need to be respected as much as possible.

++1

 

[Stubblefield]

If you feel the help is unjustified and not needed, simply pass the money and goods on to somebody else that does need it, all while saying "thank you so much, we are managing quite well now but this is appreciated, I'll pass it on".

I'm glad that that you've recovered so well.

I agree with both thoughts. If you are back on your feet, donate whatever has been given in excess to a local charity.

Glad to hear things have worked out.

 

[knlgskr]

Sometimes we intrude into others lives with good intentions not understanding what is appropriate for the time, place, circumstance. Pity from others to you can be difficult to deal with and can do more harm than good. Asking those knowledgeable about the situation can alleviate improper action toward others and result in doing more that is positive with less expenditure of resources. Asking those involved what would be appropriate for the situation is always better than deciding for others what you think is best for them.

 

[The Nid Hog]

I'm glad to hear that you're getting back on your feet and you live in a town full of kind and generous people. Frankly I think that it says a lot for your neighbors if the worst complaint you can muster is that they didn't take the finer details of your feelings into account when they opened their hearts to you.

I'm also glad you have a place like this to air this out. Hopefully, having had your say, you can get on with things.

 

[BetterSense]

In defense of the OP, his attitude is ok and normal. Some people feel a certain amount of shame from receiving charity...I know that in my family, charity was something that was never, ever to be accepted willingly...what that means in real life is that it would only be accepted when there was no other alternative. This is a healthy attitude because it keeps charity flowing only to where it is needed. The donors should have been more sensitive to the possibility of that shame and instead were more concerned with making themselves feel good. The OP's attitude might seem ungrateful but I see it as a righteous insistence on efficiency. Charity doesn't work if everyone is a shameless taker. The opposite attitude, that where people think they are owed something, is the one to be loathed.