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The unique challenges of a large mustache

For those of us who sport a rather large or flamboyant mustache, also known as a mustachio, you know there are certain challenges that go with the territory. And by this I mean challenges associated with basic daily activities such as eating, grooming the beast, sleeping, being out in very cold weather and even kissing. I have a large handlebar mustache. And while I do get flattering comments from admirers, I also have to live with the challenges of wearing this fine hairy beast.

Perhaps one of the biggest challenges is eating in restaurants. At home, I don't have to worry about biting into a sandwich and having a large smear of mustard invade my mustache. I'm home, so I can clean up easily enough. But eating in public is a different story. For example, I have learned when I go to a restaurant to always ask for extra napkins. And I have learned that when eating a hamburger with all the fixins' it is better to invert the burger and eat it upside down to minimize the sloppiness of getting mustard, ketchup, onions and whatever else I have used for condiments splattered in my mustache. And smaller bites also helps. It does require some forethought and planning....and eating food at odd angles also helps, something non-mustachioed men don't have to worry about. Drinking draft beer with a good head on it requires a bit of post drinking slurping to mop up the suds from the mustache. Using a straw does help, but be prepared for some hard stares. My family is always good about tipping me the nod when something is hanging from, or in, my mustache and I am blissfully unaware. Not very polite when carrying on a conversation with a guest and having a bit of soup dripping from one of the handlebars. I have not used a mustache cup (I have several), so I have to rely on a quick swipe of a napkin after each sip or bite of food to ensure I am not making a mess.

Being out in cold or windy weather can be a problem as well. If it is really cold ice can build up on the handlebars and can lead to some embarrassing redesigns of the standard handlebar configuration. When coming in from the cold it is always important to catch a quick glance in a mirror to ensure the mustache is properly aligned. There is nothing worse than a lopsided or misaligned handlebar mustache. A quick run through with a pocket comb or a touch up with a bit of wax is all that is necessary. And never leave home without a pocket mustache comb and a tin of wax. Avoid water-based gels on rainy days -- while they have great holding power for those ultra fine curls and tips, nothing will make you look like a walrus or a wet sheepdog quicker than water based gel in a rainstorm.

And for heavens sake, when someone yells gather round for a group photo, you must remember to do a quick balance check to ensure both handlebars are properly situated. Otherwise be prepared for the ribbing you will get when the photo is distributed among the group and you earn the nickname 'Lopsided" from that day forward.

Sleeping is not too much of a problem, but there again be prepared for all manner of disarray when you look at yourself in the mirror come morning. I sleep with a towel on my pillow to catch stray mustache wax after my wife complained bitterly about having to scrub my pillow cases to get the wax out.

Kissing is not too much of a problem with your wife or steady girlfriend. They have grown accustomed to the beast and know how to adapt. Or they kiss the tip of their index finger and then reach out and touch your puckered lips. A polite way of saying, no kiss from me until the mustache is gone. But when kissing someone for the first time it can be a bit of a shock and no matter how hard you try to get your puckered lips to outdistance your mustache it still comes as a hairy surprise to the one on the receiving end.

I am certain others among us with large mustaches have their own stories to tell about their mustaches and mishaps of various sorts. Please share...we all need a good laugh.
When I had a big, untamed Garibaldi, I used to get things stuck in it. That was okay at the time because I lived in a backwater town and nobody seemed to care. But, after it got damaged (got stuck in some machinery and was partially yanked out), I trimmed it way down to a much lower-profile circle beard and never worried again about the challenges that you mentioned.

However, one of my Uncles had prominent mustachios all his life and constantly experienced the issues that you named. He was in the same industry as me, so we hung around quite a bit. I always found it amusing when we'd go to a fast food joint and he'd ask for a knife and fork. He'd "dissect" his burger/pizza/etc. into tiny pieces to avoid any chance of contacting his facial hair. :biggrin1:
I have a bunch of kids. My youngest is 2. And yes. They'll see any kind of facial hair as something new to explore. Little hands will grab, pull, and even try to eat your mustache and beard. And those little fingers can easily grip onto one single hair!

I've also had people stop me in hardware stores to ask me homeowner project questions. I suppose a thick mustache with full beard inspires confidence in trades related activities. On one hand, it's a nice feeling. On the other, I'm not a carpenter and I don't know how to do what you're trying to do.

You're absolutely right about eating. BBQ is the worst, probably because I love it so. If it's really that good, I'll nibble at the restaurant and bring the ribs home to enjoy properly.

I'm also going to toss out hiking in the woods. 85% of the time, not a problem. Like the hardware store, a mustache looks like it belongs amongst the trees whose scents we adorn our facial fur. But the other 15% of the times is walking through a spiderweb and spending the next 12 hours aggressively combing out what you're afraid is more spiderweb. Or the occasional pricker bushes that throw out those seeds that get stuck on your clothes and any kind of hair you're sporting.

I've learned to make a beeline for the nearest restroom when getting off my motorcycle in warm weather. My mustache does a good job keeping bugs from my teeth, but well, yeah.
I should add that I, too, will often request a fork and knife when I go to a fast food place for a burger, or pizza, or anything messy. It is less work to cut smaller pieces off a burger and eat it carefully rather than trying to keep all the condiments out of my mustache. I get a few stares, but it comes with the territory.
I didnt really let my mustache grow out until recently and I discovered recently when I had a cold what a mess it can be when you blow your nose and half of the junk gets in your mustache.
I discovered that mustache wax helps. I find that it helps to give some control over it and kind of part it to the side a bit so that it doesnt hang over my lip so much. Between that and the technique of kind of puckering my lips when I eat and drink, its become manageable.
Snot running into my moustache was always my big bugaboo. Working outside in the cold meant a constantly running nose. There were times when I just couldn't wipe or blow it and I'd end up with long "snotsicles" hanging off my face.

What a terrible memory. Thanks for reminding me! :laugh:


The Aussie Bulldog
Do you use the moustache coffee mug to drink your coffee? The one that quite often gets mistaken for a shaving mug?
Do you use the moustache coffee mug to drink your coffee? The one that quite often gets mistaken for a shaving mug?
I have one but rarely use it because I prefer larger cups of coffee, so at home I just dunk my 'stache. While on the go, travel mugs are pretty much a mustache cup! They work better than mustache cups though.


Even more clueless than you
Since pandemic I trimmed my large moustache down to a pencil mo because of Covid.
Went through some regret but I have come to be cool with it now.
The problems of the larger mo that have been mentioned in this thread are no longer an issue.
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