dSo Drew Brees retires, and Sean Payton is desperate for a quarterback to fill his shoes. A news report on CNN catches his eye. A kid in a turban, shalwar kameez and sandals is lobbing IEDs and molly cocktails with devastating accuracy into the blown out windows of a police station in Iraq from a half block away. Sean Payton sees the New Orleans Saints' next quarterback in that kid, and pulls out all the stops to find him. Finally through intermediaries the kid agrees to come to America and throw footballs instead of explosives and incendiaries, for 7mil/year.
The former Al Quaeda insurgent picks up the game quickly and enjoys it immensely. His incredible throwing arm takes the Saints to the Superbowl, which they win with the biggest spread in history. Sean Payton presents a huge bonus check to the kid, along with the keys to a custom Bentley, and invites him out to his camp for some duck hunting and fishing. The kid doesn't want anything, he says, except to call his Mother on the telephone, the first time he has ever used one. The Coach ushers him to a phone and places the call.
"Mom, guess what? I just won the Superbowl!"
"And you want me to rejoice with you, while me and your brothers and sisters living in this hell on earth?"
"But Mom, the SUPERBOWL! The biggest athletic event in the world! Aren't you proud of me?"
"What good has it done? All of your new found fame and riches, how have they helped us? I hear gunfire out in the street every night and some days, too. Your younger brothers were both beaten nearly to death yesterday right in front of our house. I cannot allow your sister to go out to buy food, for fear she will be raped. The heat when the electricity goes out is unbearable, and with that, and all the sounds of violence outside, I am a nervous wreck from lack of sleep. The government police can do nothing, it seems. We are surrounded by savage, vicious people. I will never as long as I live, forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"
Hey, I grew up there. It used to be just fine. All we had to do was mind the rules as established by the Mafia (I am not kidding). Otherwise New Orleans was quite safe. No more. Things have changed.
Great story, Slash. What's the new New Orleans Saints QB called?
I love college football and don't really follow the NFL, but even I know the story's fake news.
Still, it's a great story. Loved it.