smoking girlfriend

[Latherdude]

and not in the good way...


gentlemen, i'm in a lot of pain right now. to make a really long story short, my girlfriend has fallen back in to her habit of smoking cigarettes. the act of smoking and the lingering smell afterwords is a huge turn-off, and having lost a couple relatives to cancer and heart disease i just don't know if i can deal.

now i have heard about how incredibly hard it is to quit. i cannot relate as i have never smoked, and i've also heard how annoying it is to be nagged about quitting.

i'm kind of stuck between hoping that she'll quit with my encouragement and that it's maybe a cig or two per day (when she's not planning to see me), or just letting her go as it's often foolish to hope that one will change for you.

your thoughts/questions are welcomed and very much appreciated.

 

[Sluggo]

My girlfriend used to be a smoker, and I was in the same boat (lost a bunch of family to cancer). I used to empathy and I will admit that I did a lot of pleading...long story short, she realized how much it worried me that she smoked (not to mention it stinks)

Anyways, she has been smoke free for about 5 years...and she is now my wife

 

[The Nid Hog]

When I saw the title to this thread, I thought that it should be in the Mess Hall.

Giver her space, be supportive. Think of positive ways to help her out with this. Talk with her about but don't be a pill. I completely understand your concernts and agree with your reservations about smoking. At the same time, we all have our faults and our flaws--many of which will probably lead us to the grave too. Give some thought to that and to her. If smoking is a dealbreaker, keep her feelings in mind too.

 

[Mr_Amazing]

Just dump her. Problem solved.

 

[ouch]

The great Fred Stoller once quipped, "They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. That's good to know if I ever get really desperate."

 

[Bertilak]

I'd say it's time for tough love. Offer to help in any way you can but let her know smoking is not something you will accept -- for her own good.

She will probably need professional counseling and some sort of retreat -- at least a week long. It is probably a good idea to plan all this ahead of time.

"Trick" aids (patches, fake cigarettes, etc.) will likely not help. It requires enough of a personal commitment that things like that simply make no difference. If they do have any effect it will more likely be along the lines of prolonging the process.

I mention counseling and a retreat because you need to be mentally prepared ahead of time (the counseling) and in a supportive environment.

I say this as an ex-smoker who knows how hard it is to quit. I did it cold-turkey by hiking into the wilderness without any cigarettes. It took me some time to prepare my self-image to make that possible and to make it stick once out of the woods a week later. I almost failed when I met a smoker in the woods who offered me his half-full pack. It was my psychological prep that gave me the will power to refuse.

It (quiting) was the most difficult thing I ever did up to that point in my life. Not sure about afterwards because the mind plays tricks and one tends to forget.

 

[The Nid Hog]

I'd say it's time for tough love. Offer to help in any way you can but let her know smoking is not something you will accept -- for her own good.

She will probably need professional counseling and some sort of retreat -- at least a week long. It is probably a good idea to plan all this ahead of time.

"Trick" aids (patches, fake cigarettes, etc.) will likely not help. It requires enough of a personal commitment that things like that simply make no difference. If they do have any effect it will more likely be along the lines of prolonging the process.

I mention counseling and a retreat because you need to be mentally prepared ahead of time (the counseling) and in a supportive environment.

I say this as an ex-smoker who knows how hard it is to quit. I did it cold-turkey by hiking into the wilderness without any cigarettes. It took me some time to prepare my self-image to make that possible and to make it stick once out of the woods a week later. I almost failed when I met a smoker in the woods who offered me his half-full pack. It was my psychological prep that gave me the will power to refuse.

It (quiting) was the most difficult thing I ever did up to that point in my life. Not sure about afterwards because the mind plays tricks and one tends to forget.

That's a very impressive story. I think that it's fantastic to come out of something with a renewed sense of what you can do.

 

[Moe]

Obviously, she cares more about tobacco than she does about herself, much less you. Here's another "dump her."

 

[Bertilak]

That's a very impressive story. I think that it's fantastic to come out of something with a renewed sense of what you can do.

Maybe not quite as impressive when I tell you he offered me menthols!

But yes, I am still proud of that and it still boosts my willpower on occasion.

 

[Legion]

Am I the only one who clicked on this hoping there would be pictures of someones "smoking hot" girlfriend?

Speaking as someone who spent more years of my life smoking than I have not smoking, she will probably never stop because she is being nagged. If she has quit and then taken it up again it is quite possibly because of some stress in her life and she feels she needs a familiar "security blanket" which smoking provides to some people.

Perhaps the idea, rather than just "dumping her" like some people suggested, is to find out what caused her to go back to her old habit in the first place. If you are supportive, and she knows you are not a fan of the smoking, she will want to quit herself when she is ready. Despite what a lot of smokers say, not many actually enjoy smoking that much. They do it because it is a lot easier than quitting.

When I stopped I did it for a girl. And it was not because she nagged me. It was because I liked her and that motivated me to make the effort.

 

[ouch]

Am I the only one who clicked on this hoping there would be pictures of someones "smoking hot" girlfriend?

Why do you think it has so many replies already? Health concerns?

 

[SalvadorMontenegro]

Would you date a woman who smokes? If no, you have to make her choose between you and the cigarettes. If yes, then your problem is solved.

I know it's more complicated than that, but there aren't that many options.

 

[SUMMERSRL]

I smoked for way too many years. I quite cold turkey for 10 years and then STARTED AGAIN. I managed to quit a second time and have been tobacco free for the past five years. That should give you a sense of what her addiction may be like. As with any other drug the physical and psychological aspects are not to be minimized.

All that said... the question really is about you, not her. Are you willing to put up with a smoker should she not be able to stop? If not, accept that and move on when it becomes apparent she won't stop. IF you are willing to put up with the habit - well... you're a better man than I.

Good luck, my friend. Being in love with an addict is a very difficult situation to be in....

 

[DFrancis]

If she actually cares enough about you and your concerns then it should not be all that hard for her to quit. My father quit cold turkey and had no problems.

 

[Newfie]

Work with her. If you love her and she feels the same, (sorry for the cliché, but......) love will conquer all.

SNIP<<<"Trick" aids (patches, fake cigarettes, etc.) will likely not help. It requires enough of a personal commitment that things like that simply make no difference. If they do have any effect it will more likely be along the lines of prolonging the process.>>>>SNIP

With all due respect, I beg to differ with a part of this part of your post my friend.

While I do agree with the vast majority of your whole post, I believe in the patch, from my own personal experience.

There are many physical issues with quitting smoking; something in your fingers, something in your mouth, the physical cravings caused my withdrawal from nicotine, etc.

However, for me, the mental aspect was too much. I was a bear, extremely moody, and admittedly impossible to live with, or work with. My temper often got the better of me.

The patch took the edge off and while you say it prolongs the process (which it does), it's a means to an end.

If someone is committed to quitting, and can keep that frame of mind, it will be easier to quit weeks down the road when you've weaned yourself off high levels of nicotine.

 

[BCatl]

Some people can put down the cigarettes right away, and some can't.

I had a hard time quitting, and I still use Copenhagen when I get stressed. The cigarette smell is finally out of my house I think.

Commit (TM) is a great product. I stuck with it after many failures, and it finally worked. It also helped that cigarettes are over $5.00 a pack now (down here).

I'd advise patience.

 

[Bertilak]

Re patches:

With all due respect, I beg to differ with a part of this part of your post my friend.

I guess we are all somewhat different. To be honest I never tried a patch but I could tell that my biggest problem was working up the gumption and that mostly involved self image. I knew that "easing off" did not work for me as I had tried that a number of times.

Others (like you) may have dealt with the physical addiction differently. Perhaps this is where counseling could help -- identify the techniques one might be most compatible with.

 

[citizensoldierny]

I'd love to be able to offer some positive advice as my wife smokes cigarettes to the tune of a pack a day but I don't have any. I have tried everything to get her to quit but to no avail. She has went cigarette less for 10 months x2 while pregnant with our girls just to pick up the habit again. I have tried enlisting the help of family and friends, have tried the education route warning her about emphysema/ copd, and cancer, have begged, had our kids beg, got her to get the patch etc. If her smoking is going to be a deal breaker, let her know. If you like her and can live with it all the better because as noted from my and others experience some people can't or won't quit.

 

[BladeRunner001]

You need to answer this question for yourself: Will you marry her if she still smoked?

Is no, you need to let her know so she can make that determination and come to the realization that for you two to have a future, "no smoking" has to be the motto of the relationship...now and forever. If you have anything that you are doing that she doesn't like, be prepared to give that up (hopefully not wet shaving)...she won't feel that she's the only one making a compromise.

No ifs and butts (pun intended)

-Robert

and not in the good way...


gentlemen, i'm in a lot of pain right now. to make a really long story short, my girlfriend has fallen back in to her habit of smoking cigarettes. the act of smoking and the lingering smell afterwords is a huge turn-off, and having lost a couple relatives to cancer and heart disease i just don't know if i can deal.

now i have heard about how incredibly hard it is to quit. i cannot relate as i have never smoked, and i've also heard how annoying it is to be nagged about quitting.

i'm kind of stuck between hoping that she'll quit with my encouragement and that it's maybe a cig or two per day (when she's not planning to see me), or just letting her go as it's often foolish to hope that one will change for you.

your thoughts/questions are welcomed and very much appreciated.

 

[BCatl]

I strongly advise she take at least 3 days off work (probably 4) if she is serious about stopping. If she's heavily addicted, the Commit lozenge 4mg is strong. I've tried the gums, patches and everything else, but the lozenge killed the withdrawal better because it seems to satisfy the oral fixation.

I smoked Marlboro (reds) so I had a lot of withdrawal to work out of my system!

By the way, Commit and all this stuff comes in a store brand that is cheaper than the original of course, and when I say Commit I actually used the store brand knock-off.