This system has been developed over many years, and has been synthesised down to the absolute sessentials for a superb shave (SSSSS™). My methodology and research has been to feed youtube shaving influencer videos to AI and distill the absolute best wisdom of the greatest minds in shaving, and to present it here to you so that you don't have to bother with any of the mundane business of teaching yourself how to shave: just trust the process!
First, this is tool agnostic. You don't need specific equipment, just substitute your razor, soap and natural hair brush, follow along and reap the rewards. Subscribe and like if you enjoy this content. There is a coupon at the bottom of the post for a special 9 hour seminar where I demonstrate these techniques while also sharing the secrets of an exciting new wet shaving franchise that will triple your investment in only a few decades...
Anyway, let us begin.
Step 1. Remove your brush from the refrigerator, where it has been soaking overnight in a 4:1 solution of distilled water and panda tears. Carry the brush to your shaving station on an aircraft grade titanium salver. Once at the sink, put the brush aside.
Step 2. Heat some water to exactly 24°C, and take 5ml into an autoclaved syringe and deposit it on the face of your soap. This is our blooming water. It will be more effective if it has been blessed by a cleric from an orthodox religion, but let's not get silly with this... Now, set your timer for 8 mins and shower or otherwise occupy yourself while the soap works its magic.
Step 4. Once the soap has bloomed, discared the bloomed water. DO NOT KEEP IT. This is a temptation for many, but I cannot stress enough how deleterious this could be. Catastrophic, even, Your entire shave will be ruined. Now, rinse your face with room temperature de-ionised water for 3 mins. Again, use your phone timer, we are this close now, you don't want to just start winging it at this point...
Step 5. Using your phone's compass app (you have one, right? I mean what sort of person would be reading this that didn't? An embarrassment to the wider B&B community, surely?) to orient yourself to true North, and begin swirling your brush on the luxuriously soft face of the soap. Clockwise if you are an antipodean like me, counter if otheriwise. A dozen swirls, then change direction whilst simultaneously moving smoothly to the South. Repeat this exact process four times. Unless it is a new moon, in which case you will obviously want to move to seven.
Step 6. Begin lathering on your face. If you are right handed, the first strokes should be on the left side of your neck, if you are a lefty, then begin on the upper right cheek. From there, as you hum There is a balm in Gilead move in the following pattern: R1,D2,L2,U1 until your face is covered. Now, wash it all off and do it again, this time in E♭. That's more like it.
Step 7. Now you can begin shaving. Your face is completely prepared. So much so that it is pretty much irrelevant at this point what you shave with. Your whiskers will be so cosmically aligned by now that sunlight through your open bathroom window, refracted through an Egyptian amethyst, will give you a BBS. Congratulations! You are finally a real wet shaver.
Look, I know this is going to be a challenge for some of you, so to make it easier to adopt this simple process, I've prepared a starter kit that includes:
99.99 49.99 for B&B Members!! Call today on 099-SILVER-A55
Friends, say goodbye to frustrating shaves with this simple, tried and tested method. In no time at all your family, acquaintances and even complete strangers will be complementing you on your shaves and remarking on your complexion and posture!
First, this is tool agnostic. You don't need specific equipment, just substitute your razor, soap and natural hair brush, follow along and reap the rewards. Subscribe and like if you enjoy this content. There is a coupon at the bottom of the post for a special 9 hour seminar where I demonstrate these techniques while also sharing the secrets of an exciting new wet shaving franchise that will triple your investment in only a few decades...
Anyway, let us begin.
Step 1. Remove your brush from the refrigerator, where it has been soaking overnight in a 4:1 solution of distilled water and panda tears. Carry the brush to your shaving station on an aircraft grade titanium salver. Once at the sink, put the brush aside.
Step 2. Heat some water to exactly 24°C, and take 5ml into an autoclaved syringe and deposit it on the face of your soap. This is our blooming water. It will be more effective if it has been blessed by a cleric from an orthodox religion, but let's not get silly with this... Now, set your timer for 8 mins and shower or otherwise occupy yourself while the soap works its magic.
Step 4. Once the soap has bloomed, discared the bloomed water. DO NOT KEEP IT. This is a temptation for many, but I cannot stress enough how deleterious this could be. Catastrophic, even, Your entire shave will be ruined. Now, rinse your face with room temperature de-ionised water for 3 mins. Again, use your phone timer, we are this close now, you don't want to just start winging it at this point...
Step 5. Using your phone's compass app (you have one, right? I mean what sort of person would be reading this that didn't? An embarrassment to the wider B&B community, surely?) to orient yourself to true North, and begin swirling your brush on the luxuriously soft face of the soap. Clockwise if you are an antipodean like me, counter if otheriwise. A dozen swirls, then change direction whilst simultaneously moving smoothly to the South. Repeat this exact process four times. Unless it is a new moon, in which case you will obviously want to move to seven.
Step 6. Begin lathering on your face. If you are right handed, the first strokes should be on the left side of your neck, if you are a lefty, then begin on the upper right cheek. From there, as you hum There is a balm in Gilead move in the following pattern: R1,D2,L2,U1 until your face is covered. Now, wash it all off and do it again, this time in E♭. That's more like it.
Step 7. Now you can begin shaving. Your face is completely prepared. So much so that it is pretty much irrelevant at this point what you shave with. Your whiskers will be so cosmically aligned by now that sunlight through your open bathroom window, refracted through an Egyptian amethyst, will give you a BBS. Congratulations! You are finally a real wet shaver.
Look, I know this is going to be a challenge for some of you, so to make it easier to adopt this simple process, I've prepared a starter kit that includes:
- Distilled and de-ionised water, clerical edition, add $9.99
- Panda tears (Vegan not available)
- Titanium salver: engraved with my likeness, add $149.99
- Surgical grade syringe (autoclave available for a modest monthly fee)
- Digital download of me signing There is a balm in Gilead, (free on Spotify for my podcast subscribers)
- Egyptian Amethyst, only available to Platinum Class Members
Friends, say goodbye to frustrating shaves with this simple, tried and tested method. In no time at all your family, acquaintances and even complete strangers will be complementing you on your shaves and remarking on your complexion and posture!
!!
post... needs more Panda tears details on how to apply them... 
