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Please don't flame me.

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I'm still fairly new to the forum and I'm not sure if it's ok to post and ask for some peronal advice on something I'm struggling with. My marriage.


I've had a severely rocky past with women, starting from my adoption when I was 6. Every serious relationship I've had after high school, has led me to be heartbroken and cheated on. 4 to be exact. I was single from 2008 until 2011 when I met my wife. I started a new career and actually met her at work. After getting to know each other we fell fast, and eloped. I do not regret that decision one bit and to my knowledge neither does she. We have been married now for a year and a half. She has a 6 year old from a previous boyfriend, and we just had a son that was born 12/4/2013.

To be completely honest, I have been hard on my wife from the get go. I had some insecurity issues that played into my relationship with her. I felt because of my past, I always had to watch my back, be on gaurd, and on look out to make sure nothing was going on behind my back. Not that my wife was doing anything, but because over the course of my adult dating life, I had become trianed to do so by my poor choice in women resulting in me being competely taken advantage of. Things finally started to mello out as time went on and I have become more trusting of my wife. Again, she never gave me a concrete reason to not trust her. There were a couple flaky conversations bewteen her a a couple different people way back in the begining when we we first got together. She has explained those to me, although I still don't see her side, I choose to just let it go. She's never given me a reason not to believe what she has said.

So, I've always been weary about the ex. When it's time to do the kid exchange, I've been present 90% of the time. I have a low opinion of this guy, mainly because he puts the bare mininum into the relationship with the child. He sees her a total of 3 days a month, and isn't activly involved in her life. In my opinion, he's more of a baby sitter. I have never expressd my opinion of him in from of my step daughter and never will. I always speak highly of him in front of her when the he is brought up. That being said, I still think he has it for my wife and lately they have been in contact more than normal. She says it all buisness and I know she would show me the text if I ask but I dont want to ask. I'm trying to be more trusting and grow in that department. About a month ago he randomly sent her a picture of his face, saying "look what the dentist did" then said the point of the picture was to remind her to let him know teh color of the dress their daughter was going to wear to the father daughter dance so he could match. I was furious. In no way what so ever was that meant to remind her if a dress. She became upset because I was upset, and felt like I was taking it out on her because he sent it. She choose to ignore the picture, and not say anything to him about it. Her reasoning, she didn't want to make us seem weak as if we couldn't handle some stupid like that. The picture was not flattering at all. After we both calmed down, she understood why it would make me upset, adn agreed, she would be upset too. The night of the dance, he sent her anotehr picture of their daughter and him followed with a text saying their daughter wanted him to send it. She said out loud, " why is he doing this". They contact each other through work email, which is completely off limits to me and they text. We have been talking about getting KI passes and somehow he got involved in it also. He is wanting to know if we were really getting them so he could buy on as well and take her when it was his weekend. He and my wife have been chit chatting about this for 2 weeks now. Why? I'm affraid to ask her about it because It's usually a sore subject and ends in an argument. She had to write him this morning to ask if their daughter left her bathing suit top over there. She has been looking for it and couldn't find it. This is burning me up. I have no idea what to do. My wife has reassured me in the past that nothing would ever come of them and that she loves me very much, and I am her second half. I feel so much conviction because half of me is like wth is going on, why would they chit chat for 2 weeks about this crap and the other half is like well I should let it go and trust my wife. I know, regardless I can't control what could possibly happen. Things between my wife and I have been rough ever since our son was born. We have been arguing more than ever. I just don't know what to do. I know what I want to do but I feel like I need to be more trusting of my wife.

Ugh, this sucks.
 
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Now it is YOUR turn to not flame me

You need professional counseling. You are not going to find the help you need on a shaving forum. A sympathetic ear but not help.

You and your wife BOTH need to sit together with a professional and have the conversation you need to have.

It would be the best thing for both of you.

Do it before it is too late
 
+1, you won't get flamed for this at all in a community as warm as B&B. That said, something as serious as this should involve the both of you and a professional.

That said, I wish you the best .
 
Hi Jason. First, don't expect to get flamed here at B&B--ever! That's just not the kind of place it is here. We're a community of ladies and gentlemen, and act accordingly, no matter the nature of the conversation.

I can feel your anguish over this problem--it's really tearing you up, isn't it?

I agree with what you said at the end of your post: you need to trust your wife to do the right thing--and from all that you said so far, she has been acting appropriately in this matter. It's hard, knowing that her ex- will be in the picture for at least the next 10 years or so. However, I really believe that the trust issue is yours to own here. It can be hard, especially with a track record like yours, to learn to trust someone. However, that lack of trust has driven a wedge into many a marriage before, and the results are never pretty.

Now, I know that this is a shaving forum, so take my advice above or not as you choose. One bit of advice that you SHOULD take, however, is to see a marriage counselor to try to deal with the issues before they are unrecoverable. That would be a tragedy for the whole family, but most especially for your son. If for no other reason than for his sake, SEE A PROFESSIONAL MARRIAGE COUNSELOR so that your son can have both his Mommy and Daddy for the rest of his life and not grow up with the same issues that you're battling right now.
 
Okay; Just so I am understanding this.

You get upset when your wife talks to her ex?

You have explained your reasoning behind why you may be hesitant to trust your wife. Here's the $64,000 Question: Has she ever done anything to make you NOT trust her? Has any action on her part warranted you to NOT trust her?

The picture from the Daddy/Daughter dance was likely sent to her by her ex...BECAUSE their daughter wanted to send it. She wanted to show Mommy what a nice time she's having, and how pretty she looked.

IF you can sit down and have a rational conversation with your wife, do so. That means no arguing, no interrupting. You state your point, she paraphrase what she heard, so you're both on the same page. Then she responds. Then YOU paraphrase what SHE said, and respond. Don't do this if you're tired or if you've been drinking...that will only cause more issues.

IN MY OPINION (only my opinion)...work email should be off-limits. Your wife and her ex NEED to be able to communicate for the best interests of that little girl. BUT...there should be ground rules. No work email. No 'meetings', where they would be alone. (NOT because you don't trust her...but more likely that you don't trust HIM). -- I have the same issue with my wife and my ex, and it's a perfectly reasonable rule (IMHO).

Texting is fine, as well as phone calls...when it is based upon the welfare of the daughter. In my opinion, it should be "business only". No chatting about their work/personal lives.

There should be transparency. She should not only be willing to show you emails/text or tell you when he calls, but she should do this without you asking. (In my opinion, that will go a LONG way with trust).

NOW...all things stated here...they are MY opinions. BUT, they are things that have worked in my marriage. Other things that may help are couples/marriage counseling, and establishing yourself with a church.

And, as Jason stated in the title, please don't flame me either....

Josh
 
Now it is YOUR turn to not flame me

You need professional counseling. You are not going to find the help you need on a shaving forum. A sympathetic ear but not help.

You and your wife BOTH need to sit together with a professional and have the conversation you need to have.

It would be the best thing for both of you.

Do it before it is too late

+1000000000000000000000000

TOTALLY agree with Turtle
 
Jason, you've gotten some great advice here;

You and your spouse should seek the care and advice of a professional.

No one here is going to be able to help you with this issue, and the advice you'd get on a Gentlemens Site is as likely to be wrong as it is right.

Best of luck to you.
 
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