PIF: Make me Roll On the Floor Laughing: Phase 2 for SE is active. Post here for the Schick Auto C-3

[slybrewguy]

I'm totally in on the generous injector pif!

My only family friendly contribution:

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra..."

Ahahahahaha, that one gets me every time!

There also is a great one about garbanzo beans vs chick peas and a specific current US "politician" that I can't really post here, look it up...

 

[Fordfather]

Not in, but I must take a shot at a few of my neighbors.

Breaking News: A twin seat, private plane has crashed into the Bismarck, North Dakota cemetery. Emergency personnel are currently digging through the wreckage, and have discovered 65 bodies. The search for survivors continues.

 

[imatabor]

Mom to son, "Allen, do you think I'm a bad mom?"
Son to Mom, "My name is Paul!"

 

[Ricksplace]

Not in.
True story. My stepson's wedding. Swmbo and I had to do a little speech. Swmbo's went something like this: (after the usual stuff about his childhood, university, etc)
"Seriously now, it is a wonderful thing for a mother to know that her son is marrying the right person. I'm sure Evan won't mind if I share with the folks here, the motherly words that I whispered to him when he first introduced me to his intended bride. I leaned in very close and whispered, Evan, she's a wonderful girl. (pause) Don't f--- it up."

First time I ever heard applause for a wedding speech.

 

[Ricksplace]

DAM -Mothers Against Dyslexia.

 

[HDSledge]

DAM -Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra...

 

[HDSledge]

I'm totally in on the generous injector pif!

My only family friendly contribution:

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra..."

Ahahahahaha, that one gets me every time!

There also is a great one about garbanzo beans vs chick peas and a specific current US "politician" that I can't really post here, look it up...

Darnitall you stole my favorite joke!!

 

[emwolf]

Not in but loving these two PIFs.

 

[Ricksplace]

Bartender to a seriously drunk Scottish man: "Do you know you have a steering wheel stuck in your pants?"
Drunk: "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

 

[emwolf]

A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, but don't start anything."
And if you want to get trippy try this one:

 

[YKMV]

Excellent @emwolf

 

[ReapersBlade]

I love a bad dad joke.

 

[bberg100]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool-proof!

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Holding front and rear paws ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on it with cat’s head just visible from beneath spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch a new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat’s mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store and order a new table.

15. Arrange for a vet to make a house call.

--- Not in---

 

[HDSledge]

Where's the beef SE fans? Need. More. Funny. Material. Posts are great so far though. Here's one to keep it going:

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

 

[rudyt]

Where's the beef SE fans?

Can't have beef without potatoes.

 

[imatabor]

Please disregard this as an entry:

 

[HDSledge]

Funny I saw that exact same pic in a firearms forum. The OP asked "Why did you decide to not have kids?" That pic was one response.

 

[Ricksplace]

The College at which I taught serves an area in Northern Ontario the size of France. We were always on the cutting edge of distance education technologies. I would have a regular class of 25 students in front of me, with a video link with three other classrooms in different towns in the service area. I wore a wireless headset much the same as entertainers use. One of my colleagues did not remove her headset when she took a bathroom break. That would have been OK if she had turned off the little switch on the box on her waist that turned off the headset. She did not. Several minutes of farting, peeing, pooping, grunting and sundry other bowel type noises were broadcast to four different classrooms in four different towns. She became an overnight sensation. We gave her a standing ovation at the next faculty meeting.

 

[Fortran]

 

[KeenDogg]

I once had my MIL believing the "Mel" in Mel Gibson was short for caramel. I also had her believing I had been to jail and my nick name was "White Bread". What makes it funny is that she knew me before I was an adult.

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