Press Release
Dateline: April 1, 2014, Cincinnati, Ohio
Procter & Gamble announced today that it has acquired 100% of the stock of Kwan & Sons Hand Laundry, a two-store chain located in Queens, New York. Shirley Diluted, the CEO of P&G's personal care division, speaking at a press conference at P&G headquarters, discussed the acquisition, stating that the company wanted to build on the "formidable success of our Art of Shaving brand by branching into new premium sectors." PB&J she said, would also be acquiring the former men's room attendant concession from the Plaza Hotel. Procto & Grumbling would be rebranding both businesses to address the changing tastes of consumers.
Ms. Diluted explained:
"High end consumers expect high end products with prices to match. For the premium customer, it's not about performance; it's about price. The higher the better. They want prestige and bragging rights -- the kind of attention that can only come from buying the most expensive product in the marketplace. We understand that."
According to Ms. Dilution, the new brands will each launch with about 500 stores nationwide.
The Art of Laundry will specialize in "ultra premium detergents under the brand name Tide Heritage." The new line of laundry soaps will be priced at $450.00 per quart and will be packaged in Lalique and Waterford crystal jugs. Subscription packages are in the works that will include a monthly delivery of soap accompanied by "an ethnic-type employee from Hollywood central casting circa the 1940s who will wash and fold for a nominal [sub-minimum wage] fee. These laborers will be based on stereotypes from old Charlie Chan movies" said Lady Dilution.
The Art of Handwashing will focus its first product rollout on ultra premium liquid hand soaps marketed under the brand name "Dial of Downtun Abbey." Said Diluted of the new Dial offerings, "Our market research and focus groups have demonstrated that high net worth Americans simply want to feel that they are members of the British peerage and all the comes with it. So, we will be offering various levels of soapy sophistication, including the Baron/Baroness, Duchy and Lord lines. From our perspective, if you can't be born into it, we feel that if you spend enough you ought to be able to buy your way into it."
As with the Tide Heritage line, Princess Dilettante said a special subscription plan would be offered in the fourth quarter of 2014 that "will entitle our most important customers to have an attendant conduct the actual hand-washing -- ladies in waiting for our female clients and valets for the gentlemen." She noted that the attendants would be attired after the style of downstairs help in as depicted in numerous "English period piece bodice-ripping costume dramas of the sort that liberals might watch on PBS."
Madame Distingué said that the pricing for the Dial line would be provided "on request only after a thorough genealogical analysis and credit check." She noted, "Obviously, for a product such as this, clients who actually need or use credit would of course be disqualified."
Dateline: April 1, 2014, Cincinnati, Ohio
Procter & Gamble announced today that it has acquired 100% of the stock of Kwan & Sons Hand Laundry, a two-store chain located in Queens, New York. Shirley Diluted, the CEO of P&G's personal care division, speaking at a press conference at P&G headquarters, discussed the acquisition, stating that the company wanted to build on the "formidable success of our Art of Shaving brand by branching into new premium sectors." PB&J she said, would also be acquiring the former men's room attendant concession from the Plaza Hotel. Procto & Grumbling would be rebranding both businesses to address the changing tastes of consumers.
Ms. Diluted explained:
"High end consumers expect high end products with prices to match. For the premium customer, it's not about performance; it's about price. The higher the better. They want prestige and bragging rights -- the kind of attention that can only come from buying the most expensive product in the marketplace. We understand that."
According to Ms. Dilution, the new brands will each launch with about 500 stores nationwide.
The Art of Laundry will specialize in "ultra premium detergents under the brand name Tide Heritage." The new line of laundry soaps will be priced at $450.00 per quart and will be packaged in Lalique and Waterford crystal jugs. Subscription packages are in the works that will include a monthly delivery of soap accompanied by "an ethnic-type employee from Hollywood central casting circa the 1940s who will wash and fold for a nominal [sub-minimum wage] fee. These laborers will be based on stereotypes from old Charlie Chan movies" said Lady Dilution.
The Art of Handwashing will focus its first product rollout on ultra premium liquid hand soaps marketed under the brand name "Dial of Downtun Abbey." Said Diluted of the new Dial offerings, "Our market research and focus groups have demonstrated that high net worth Americans simply want to feel that they are members of the British peerage and all the comes with it. So, we will be offering various levels of soapy sophistication, including the Baron/Baroness, Duchy and Lord lines. From our perspective, if you can't be born into it, we feel that if you spend enough you ought to be able to buy your way into it."
As with the Tide Heritage line, Princess Dilettante said a special subscription plan would be offered in the fourth quarter of 2014 that "will entitle our most important customers to have an attendant conduct the actual hand-washing -- ladies in waiting for our female clients and valets for the gentlemen." She noted that the attendants would be attired after the style of downstairs help in as depicted in numerous "English period piece bodice-ripping costume dramas of the sort that liberals might watch on PBS."
Madame Distingué said that the pricing for the Dial line would be provided "on request only after a thorough genealogical analysis and credit check." She noted, "Obviously, for a product such as this, clients who actually need or use credit would of course be disqualified."
Last edited:
