Hi everybody. I'm not a newbie anymore, But I feel this is the right place for this post as I have been missing for a few years. Some of you may remember me from "The old days" And it's to those people I'd like to apologize. Mainly in concerns to my poor attitude, And seemingly un sportsman like behavior. Looking back on some of my comments especially in the gold dollar competitions I can now see I behaved rather poorly, And for that I am truly sorry. I just hope I didn't effect any of you to badly with my sometimes negative comments.
For those of you who would like to read on I will try and explain my situation, And why my behavior was so poor at times..
Please don't look at this as a sob story, As that is not my intention at all. I am healthy and happier than I have ever been.
I recently turned 40 So it's been almost 10 years since I joined B&B. In these years and long before I have had a hard time controlling my behavior. I have lost friends, Destroyed relationships both personal and professionally. I have under achieved in almost all aspects of my life, And as a result I fell into a deep depression which lasted almost 20 years. I really did try to seek help, And over the years I have tried and failed more times than I can remember. I have seen so many professionals seeking help, Or answers without any real success. That all started to change about 5 years ago when I was forced to change doctors as my old Dr basically told me I was a lost cause and he no longer wanted to waste his time on me..
At age 35ish that was a big blow.. But looking back this was the best thing he ever did for me. I found a new Dr who I still see once a month to this day. She is an amazing person! She put up with my on/off behavior and still maintained a level of care I had never experienced before. Over the next 3 years she got to know me quite well which led to an actual diagnosis, Well a few.. With her help we found a Psychiatrist that suited my personality and together we began to make progress. He diagnosed me with ADHD. A process that took around a year, along with a few other personality disorders PTSD, and OCD being the main issues. I was shocked ADHD??. "No way, That's just a made up thing for naughty children". "I was never a naughty child, And certainly hadn't been hyperactive". Turns out I was wrong (as usual) I thought hyperactive meant running up walls, you all know "those kids". He explained to me that hyperactivity can show itself in many ways, And reminded me of the story's I had told him over the past year. The story's of how I start a project (Like a razor restoration) and I become hyper focused, to a point that I forget to eat as an example.. This hyper focus only happens if I'm passionate about something. Understanding this 1 part of it started to change my life. I now had 1 of the answers, a big one "What's wrong with me".. "why can I do so well with some things, but fail with others".. Now I know I have a bit of a "super power" If harnessed correctly.
Another Problem I have and am still working on is communication. I'm a very visual person. I use hand gestures, facial expressions, etc. to get my point across. I often say the wrong words, Which often upsets people.. I don't mean to do it, most of the time the words I say are not the words I mean.. It's tough to explain in person, let alone text. This problem has been one of the most detrimental problems in regards to relationships. But now that I know it's a neurological disorder, And not just my personality I'm learning ways to express myself better than before.
There are many other aspects to this that I'm still working through, compulsiveness, easily distracted, un motivated etc etc. But just knowing there is an actual reason why has helped me move forward. Life has become fun again, I have rebuilt relationships, finished long put away projects, And most importantly I'm learning to forgive myself for the years of "failure" (now lessons) I still have a long way to go, I understand that. but I'm also quite proud of how far I have already come.
I'm sorry this is so long, It's taken me almost 4 hours to write this.. I hope it makes sense. And if anybody reading this has had similar problems I hope this can help?? The bottom line here is please don't give up on your self. No matter how hard things might be if you stay strong and keep trying there is help out there. Sometimes we just need to look in a different place.
Dan.
For those of you who would like to read on I will try and explain my situation, And why my behavior was so poor at times..
Please don't look at this as a sob story, As that is not my intention at all. I am healthy and happier than I have ever been.
I recently turned 40 So it's been almost 10 years since I joined B&B. In these years and long before I have had a hard time controlling my behavior. I have lost friends, Destroyed relationships both personal and professionally. I have under achieved in almost all aspects of my life, And as a result I fell into a deep depression which lasted almost 20 years. I really did try to seek help, And over the years I have tried and failed more times than I can remember. I have seen so many professionals seeking help, Or answers without any real success. That all started to change about 5 years ago when I was forced to change doctors as my old Dr basically told me I was a lost cause and he no longer wanted to waste his time on me..
At age 35ish that was a big blow.. But looking back this was the best thing he ever did for me. I found a new Dr who I still see once a month to this day. She is an amazing person! She put up with my on/off behavior and still maintained a level of care I had never experienced before. Over the next 3 years she got to know me quite well which led to an actual diagnosis, Well a few.. With her help we found a Psychiatrist that suited my personality and together we began to make progress. He diagnosed me with ADHD. A process that took around a year, along with a few other personality disorders PTSD, and OCD being the main issues. I was shocked ADHD??. "No way, That's just a made up thing for naughty children". "I was never a naughty child, And certainly hadn't been hyperactive". Turns out I was wrong (as usual) I thought hyperactive meant running up walls, you all know "those kids". He explained to me that hyperactivity can show itself in many ways, And reminded me of the story's I had told him over the past year. The story's of how I start a project (Like a razor restoration) and I become hyper focused, to a point that I forget to eat as an example.. This hyper focus only happens if I'm passionate about something. Understanding this 1 part of it started to change my life. I now had 1 of the answers, a big one "What's wrong with me".. "why can I do so well with some things, but fail with others".. Now I know I have a bit of a "super power" If harnessed correctly.
Another Problem I have and am still working on is communication. I'm a very visual person. I use hand gestures, facial expressions, etc. to get my point across. I often say the wrong words, Which often upsets people.. I don't mean to do it, most of the time the words I say are not the words I mean.. It's tough to explain in person, let alone text. This problem has been one of the most detrimental problems in regards to relationships. But now that I know it's a neurological disorder, And not just my personality I'm learning ways to express myself better than before.
There are many other aspects to this that I'm still working through, compulsiveness, easily distracted, un motivated etc etc. But just knowing there is an actual reason why has helped me move forward. Life has become fun again, I have rebuilt relationships, finished long put away projects, And most importantly I'm learning to forgive myself for the years of "failure" (now lessons) I still have a long way to go, I understand that. but I'm also quite proud of how far I have already come.
I'm sorry this is so long, It's taken me almost 4 hours to write this.. I hope it makes sense. And if anybody reading this has had similar problems I hope this can help?? The bottom line here is please don't give up on your self. No matter how hard things might be if you stay strong and keep trying there is help out there. Sometimes we just need to look in a different place.
Dan.