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My apologies

Hi everybody. I'm not a newbie anymore, But I feel this is the right place for this post as I have been missing for a few years. Some of you may remember me from "The old days" And it's to those people I'd like to apologize. Mainly in concerns to my poor attitude, And seemingly un sportsman like behavior. Looking back on some of my comments especially in the gold dollar competitions I can now see I behaved rather poorly, And for that I am truly sorry. I just hope I didn't effect any of you to badly with my sometimes negative comments.

For those of you who would like to read on I will try and explain my situation, And why my behavior was so poor at times..

Please don't look at this as a sob story, As that is not my intention at all. I am healthy and happier than I have ever been.

I recently turned 40 So it's been almost 10 years since I joined B&B. In these years and long before I have had a hard time controlling my behavior. I have lost friends, Destroyed relationships both personal and professionally. I have under achieved in almost all aspects of my life, And as a result I fell into a deep depression which lasted almost 20 years. I really did try to seek help, And over the years I have tried and failed more times than I can remember. I have seen so many professionals seeking help, Or answers without any real success. That all started to change about 5 years ago when I was forced to change doctors as my old Dr basically told me I was a lost cause and he no longer wanted to waste his time on me..

At age 35ish that was a big blow.. But looking back this was the best thing he ever did for me. I found a new Dr who I still see once a month to this day. She is an amazing person! She put up with my on/off behavior and still maintained a level of care I had never experienced before. Over the next 3 years she got to know me quite well which led to an actual diagnosis, Well a few.. With her help we found a Psychiatrist that suited my personality and together we began to make progress. He diagnosed me with ADHD. A process that took around a year, along with a few other personality disorders PTSD, and OCD being the main issues. I was shocked ADHD??. "No way, That's just a made up thing for naughty children". "I was never a naughty child, And certainly hadn't been hyperactive". Turns out I was wrong (as usual) I thought hyperactive meant running up walls, you all know "those kids". He explained to me that hyperactivity can show itself in many ways, And reminded me of the story's I had told him over the past year. The story's of how I start a project (Like a razor restoration) and I become hyper focused, to a point that I forget to eat as an example.. This hyper focus only happens if I'm passionate about something. Understanding this 1 part of it started to change my life. I now had 1 of the answers, a big one "What's wrong with me".. "why can I do so well with some things, but fail with others".. Now I know I have a bit of a "super power" If harnessed correctly.

Another Problem I have and am still working on is communication. I'm a very visual person. I use hand gestures, facial expressions, etc. to get my point across. I often say the wrong words, Which often upsets people.. I don't mean to do it, most of the time the words I say are not the words I mean.. It's tough to explain in person, let alone text. This problem has been one of the most detrimental problems in regards to relationships. But now that I know it's a neurological disorder, And not just my personality I'm learning ways to express myself better than before.

There are many other aspects to this that I'm still working through, compulsiveness, easily distracted, un motivated etc etc. But just knowing there is an actual reason why has helped me move forward. Life has become fun again, I have rebuilt relationships, finished long put away projects, And most importantly I'm learning to forgive myself for the years of "failure" (now lessons) I still have a long way to go, I understand that. but I'm also quite proud of how far I have already come.

I'm sorry this is so long, It's taken me almost 4 hours to write this.. I hope it makes sense. And if anybody reading this has had similar problems I hope this can help?? The bottom line here is please don't give up on your self. No matter how hard things might be if you stay strong and keep trying there is help out there. Sometimes we just need to look in a different place.

Thats the thing about people..you have no idea what they have been through...when i was young my best friends (who is no longer) mother molested me..through my whole life people have abused me or tried to beat me up ( i have epilepsy from somebody) or gang on me ...only recently in the past couple of years life has calmed down ..i went through my own depression and still am in reality it never really goes away..but i am in a much better place now than what i was in ...life may not be perfect and i tried to kill myself many times but glad i am alive now..ive lost track of thought but you get the drift...ive never really been a nasty person but i understand how crappy life can be..chin up friend :)
I recently had to fire a very well educated professional, early 40s, kids, wife, etc. his behavior was creating a horrible atmosphere.....I tried for months to get through to him. Ultimately I had to fire him, which I hated. I’m 100% positive he has undiagnosed or untreated mental health issues, with OCD and ADHD being in my list of guesses (we are both medical professionals).

it’s good that you have had the wake up call to address it. Despite my efforts, I could not do that for him. We are all the walking wounded, we all have our stuff.
Yeah unfortunately these issues seem to be very common now days. I think part of the solution is talking about them, I understand that can be very difficult in some cases, especially where ego's are involved. I was beaten up at school almost daily, And I mean beaten.. Kids would hold me down while other kids punched me.. I was always told not to fight back by my parents and I was a very well disciplined child. So I never fought back.. When I was in high school it continued, not as regular but still enough. One day I just snapped while I was being beaten in front of a big crowd who were cheering at the other kid when he hit me. I was 6 foot tall in grade 8 so when I fought back it was a fast end.. From that day until around age 30 I was never beaten up again.. I became the bad guy, And my ego grew way out of control. That made me very hard to approach. People were afraid to tell me I was wrong etc, which made things so much worse for everybody involved.. The truth was and is that I was afraid, So I created a front to scare people out of trying to hurt me.. That really didn't help. Dropping that ego is something I will be working on the rest of my life. Every now and then "that guy" trys to come back out. But the scared little boy is in charge now.

I was always told I was a great worker, But I always had issues with work mates and started getting sacked around the 1 year mark. My attitude fueled by my ego must have made the work place similar to your situation, Impossible to deal with.

Getting proper help was such a long road. Men especially can be quite stubborn and don't like to open up about their true feelings.. (In general) Even around our mates.. But just talking, letting go, can be so powerful.

To be clear I am in a really good place now, I will be working on things for the rest of my life. As we all have to. But I am well out of the woods so to speak.

hcoop, mate I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that. You are correct none of us know what may be going on in other peoples lives. I really try to keep that in mind.. It helps me keep a cool head. I sincerely hope you can find what ever it is that's suited to your own case to continue moving forward. Keep positive mate, and treat yourself. Be proud of what you have already overcome because it's huge! Talk to your mates, don't bottle anything up. To have made it this far you are strong, keep reminding yourself of that daily if you have to.

Finally Tarak thanks for giving that guy some extra time, Sadly this time it hasn't worked out. But maybe this could be the push he needs to take responsibility for his actions and work on a positive change. I hope everything works out for you at work, But give yourself some credit for giving him those extra chances. Sounds like you really tried.
Talking kinda helps somewhat..cant talk atm cus im tired and about to pass out 😂 some people here are war vets and have done some horrid things that will damage them mentally for life ....all you can do is take it one day at a time step by step and do the best you can with what you have even if it doesnt seem like much
We can all make mistakes, screw up, and let ourselves and those around us down. But the measure of a person is if they decide to take responsibility and work to put life back on track; and facing up to the truth and reaching out even in small ways is a big part in that. When someone else has let us down, we can, with some inner strength, and if necessary help from others, see that it’s our choice whether or not we let their actions define the rest of our lives. And when we’ve let others down, we can likewise make a choice whether or not to go on hurting everyone, blaming others, and repeat our behaviour, or whether we look ourselves in the eye and work hard to be better each day. It’s so much easier said than done - but if we can turn it around, the rewards are great.

I wholeheartedly respect and salute those here who have faced down these demons, and are fighting back. All strength and power to you all. Talking’s an important piece of the jigsaw.
Keep on that right road brothers!
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