My father in law passed away yesterday.my wife and mother in law are having an emotional time with his passing.I however am indifferent on the situation so I don't know how to comfort them.have any of your significant others lost a parentand how did you help them deal with the loss.
losing a loved one
- Thread starter spanx
- Start date
Just be there, and be available for them.
+1 That's the best thing you can do. Trying to rush the natural mourning process or offer up 'solutions' doesn't work. They will work through the grief at their own pace and simply having you there as a caring presence will do much to help them get through this difficult time.
My grandfather's death was the only time my father ever cried. It comforted him a lot that I was willing to be a pallbearer at the funeral.
Just let them know you are there and are willing to talk about it should the need arise.
Just let them know you are there and are willing to talk about it should the need arise.
+1
This should go without saying, but try as much as possible not to show how "indifferent on the situation" you are.
The grieving process can last a long time. Death of a loved one is not an easy thing to "get over", in fact I think it is impossible. You just learn to accept and live with the giant hole left in your heart. In the past 5 1/2 years I have lost my first wife after giving birth to my son, my current wife's father commited suicide in feb 09, my Mother passed on Aug 24th from ovarian cancer. So just lend a shoulder to cry on. And you should find oneone to talk to about your feelings too, indifferent or not.
A listening ear, an understanding attitude and a warm embrace, the finality of loss dictates that there is little more that you can do. To attempt more may be more awkward and uncomfortable than helpful.
My condolences on your family's loss. +1 on just listen.
- Thread starter
- #10
Thank you for all of your kind responses.
I was 25 when my mother passed and 27 when my father passed. Those were 2 very difficult years, that seemed to go on forever. A few weeks after my father passed I was told it would be good for me to go on a bus trip to a baseball game. I was told by one person,"You just need to go and have some fun." Needless to say it was miserable when people found out. I couldn't wait for the trip to be over.
Time and space are the best things to give someone, everyone grieves in a different manner. For me I wanted to be with my wife and son and stay out of large social situations for a couple months. Don't pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do.
Time and space are the best things to give someone, everyone grieves in a different manner. For me I wanted to be with my wife and son and stay out of large social situations for a couple months. Don't pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do.
Be there for support and offer to make calls or run errands then you are somewhat removed but appear to be very involved.
My Grandmother passed away a fortnight ago and my Grandfather is devastated. They were together for over 70 years, separated only once , by WWII. My Grandfather is staying with us and he needs comfort every day. I find that just being there to talk seems to help. I don't think you ever get over an event like that, but with time the pain becomes less and hopefully he will be able to go on for a while longer (he is 88). It's hard sometimes to be compassionate when you are working through your own grief, but as hard as it is for me, it is far harder for my Grandad.
Pete
Pete
Listen.
Cook.
Run errands.
Hug.
Listen.
Cook.
Run errands.
Hug.
Listen.
Most importantly LISTEN! No need to talk too much. In the meantime, put yourself in her shoes; try to fully understand her suffering which will help you relate.
My FTL passed a few years ago after a long illness. I felt mostly relief for the poor man, but as you can imagine my wife was considerably more affected. Instead of attempting to grieve with her I focused on her well being as well as well as offering what help I could to her family.
The only thing you can do is be there for them. Everyone grieves in a different manner and the length of time it takes for people to move on may not be finite. I also echo the sentiment that you never "get over" it. I feel you never should "get over" it, only better with it. When my one Uncle (Mom's brother) died my Dad told me that every time you lose a love one you lose a little of yourself. He's right.
It just dawned on me what day it is. As I was typing the last two sentences above I started to well up and get pretty emotional, then I remembered. My Grandfather died in my arms nine years ago today. Every year it sneaks up on me. All this week I had been aware that it was coming and today I was just in my own little world thinking about what has to be done and then it hit me like a ton of bricks...just like every year. The bottom line is, when he left us, he took piece of me w/ him. I'm nowhere near over it, just better with it.
Here's another sad / love story. My Dad's parents were married for ~68 years or something. My Grandmother died in March '06. One month later my Grandfather asked my Uncle to give him a shave because he wanted to look nice. He went to bed and never woke up. He had the most peaceful and serence look on his face, almost happy. His soul was at rest because he had passed away on the love of his life's birthday. While it was traumatic for the family two lose its matriarc and patriarc w/in a month, I can't help but find the beauty in what occurred as those two soul mates now get to spend an eternity together..
It just dawned on me what day it is. As I was typing the last two sentences above I started to well up and get pretty emotional, then I remembered. My Grandfather died in my arms nine years ago today. Every year it sneaks up on me. All this week I had been aware that it was coming and today I was just in my own little world thinking about what has to be done and then it hit me like a ton of bricks...just like every year. The bottom line is, when he left us, he took piece of me w/ him. I'm nowhere near over it, just better with it.
Here's another sad / love story. My Dad's parents were married for ~68 years or something. My Grandmother died in March '06. One month later my Grandfather asked my Uncle to give him a shave because he wanted to look nice. He went to bed and never woke up. He had the most peaceful and serence look on his face, almost happy. His soul was at rest because he had passed away on the love of his life's birthday. While it was traumatic for the family two lose its matriarc and patriarc w/in a month, I can't help but find the beauty in what occurred as those two soul mates now get to spend an eternity together..
Just be there for them like others say. my father in law just been told he has 3 more months and my mother in law just had a blood clot and had to have 4 blood transfusions. Life can hit you hard.
The death of a loved one is a very difficult time. Everyone grieves differently. Be there and cognizant that they are in pain, the pain is real and will last for some time.
Hide the fact that you are "indifferent on the situation"; not caring will cause them further pain. You can't make people care but if a loved one would have conveyed that they didn't care when my parents or husband died, my feelings for them would have been forever changed.
Sue
Hide the fact that you are "indifferent on the situation"; not caring will cause them further pain. You can't make people care but if a loved one would have conveyed that they didn't care when my parents or husband died, my feelings for them would have been forever changed.
Sue
As clergy I can only underscore the correctness of everything that has been said here. Let your wife know that you care, be there for her. Deal with your own feelings of indifference, but not now, and not with her. Right now she needs you, and especially she needs to know how much you care.
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