Jokes that make you groan

[Captain Pre-Capsize]

Let me start us out:

An insurance agent at the Garden of Eden takes one look at Adam and Eve and says, “I can see that you are not covered."

 

[luvmysuper]

Twin brothers, one named Emal and the other Juan, grew up and moved away from home.
A year later, their mother receives a letter from Juan with his picture included.
His mother sighs and mentions she wishes she also had a picture from Emal.
'Why,' replies her husband, 'if you've seen Juan, you've seen Emal.'

 

[Kentos]

Groan!!

 

[valleyrider]

Man wakes up one morning with an ear ache so he goes to the doctor. Doctor says what's wrong, man says my ear hurts. Doctor takes a look and says there's money in your ear, man says pull it out. Doctor starts pulling out 5s, 10s, 50s then 100s. After the last bill was pulled out man asks how much was in there? Doctor replies with about nineteen hundred or so. Man says, ahh I knew I was feeling two grand.

 

[valleyrider]

That's the best one I have, works every time I need a lame joke for quick smile.

 

[BurkDarkpatches]

Why was Jesus able to turn water into wine? He was the King of the Juice.

Steve

 

[TheVez2]

Buford, a fairly handsome Southern Bullfrog, hops into a bank lobby one day, brief case neatly tucked under his right foreleg. Buford hops up to the first open teller window and sits down in front of a teller, Miss Mary Greene. He announces, "I need a loan."

Miss Greene, not wanting to look too uncool with this frog talking to her, pauses only briefly to reflect on this situation, then says, "Well, the Everglades Savings and Loan doesn't usually give loans to amphibians." Quickly opening the brief case, Buford produces construction permits and blueprints. Showing them to Miss Greene, he says, "But I need a loan. You see I have this construction project in mind. Down in the swamp, we need affordable housing for all my in-laws and out-laws. I have the permits. Freddy, an architect newt friend of mine has drawn up the plans. Everything is approved and in order. So you see, all I need is the financing."

For Miss Greene, this is getting stranger by the moment. It isn't enough that there is this talking frog only inches in front of her, but now he is talking about plans, permits and a newt architect. Just before she loses it completely, Miss Greene blurts out, "I can't help you. You must see our loan officer, Miss Black. Wait here for a moment and I'll get her."

Miss Greene is gone for a while. After several minutes of animated conversation at the other side of the bank she returns with the loan officer. "Hello, I'm Miss Patricia Black, the Loan Officer here. How can I help you?" Well, Buford goes through his speach once again, tells her about the plans and permits, about the housing and his friend Freddy the newt architect. Thinking she could put an end to this foolishness quickly, Miss Black asks, "What do you have to put up for collateral for a loan? You must have something of value to mortgage against a loan like this." Buford digs into his brief case once more. "I have this!" he exclaims as he draws forth a crystal trinket on a silver chain. "I can't give you a loan based on this THING," Miss Black says, pointing at Buford's treasure.

Buford begs. He pleads. Finally, Buford demands to see the bank manager. Miss Greene, the teller, leaves for a moment to get the bank manager. Another animated conversation ensues at the other side of the bank. The manager comes over and asks "What's the problem, Miss Black?" "Well, Mr. Brown..." and the Loan Manager explains that the frog wants to take out a loan, to construct housing in the swamp for his in-laws and out-laws and he has plans and permits, but all he has is this trinket as collateral. The manager bemused by this whole situation, takes the trinket in hand, examines it carefully, then hands it back to Buford saying, "It's a knick knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

 

[captp]

A priest, a rabbi and a Methodist minister walked into a bar. The bartender says. "Is this a joke?"

 

[TonyH]

Two boll weevils are working a cotton field. The first one says, "I'm going to move to the city and become a famous scientist and change the world"!

The second one says "I's too scared to do anything like that".

So the first one goes away and, sure enough, becomes famous.

The second stayed home, and remained the lesser of two weevils.

 

[Not The Original Kermit]

The other day I walked into a bar, the stitches come off tomorrow.

They just opened a dairy store in Jeruselum, its called "The Cheeses of Nazerus"

 

[TonyH]

A guy goes into a bar with his friend, a giraffe.

They sit down at the bar and begin ordering round after round of shots. The carry on until finally the giraffe can't take it any more and ends up passed out, sprawled on the floor. The man slams down his last shot glass on the bar and turns to walk out when the barkeep interrupts him...

"Mister! You just going to leave that lying there?!"

The guy replies, "Hey man - that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

 

[Walter Sobchak]

Rope walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, sorry, we don't serve ropes here."
Rope says, "OK, can I borrow a pair of scissors?"
Bartender gives him scissors. Rope cuts himself in half and ties himself back together.
Rope then says, "OK, about that drink."
Bartender says, "Didn't I just tell you no ropes in here?!"
Rope says, "I'm a frayed knot"

 

[craig87c]

Any joke that DunEdinRanger makes!

 

[Walter Sobchak]

Here's the first dirty joke I learned. I didn't get it until I was in my teens.

Two white horses jumped in a mud puddle. Three came out.

 

[jdto]

Here's the first dirty joke I learned. I didn't get it until I was in my teens.

Two white horses jumped in a mud puddle. Three came out.

I'm well past my teens and I still don't get it

 

[raisindot]

I just made this one up.

The black limousine brought talent agent Jose Garcia and his wife and star client, Lucy, a prize-winning kite flyer, to the stately home of the elderly Luigi Salvatore, the patriarch of the notorious Salvatore crime family. A huge, grim-faced capo met them at the door and pushed the trembling couple through the spacious corridors of the mansion to the backyard, where Salvatore was being chased around the yard by a huge dragon-shaped kite that seemed bent on dive bombing the old mafioso every time he tried to get it airborne. Finally, the kite circled three times and crashed into the ground.

The capo grabbed the young couple firmly by the shoulders and said, "Mr. Salvatore is very disappointed in his purchase of this troublesome $1,000 kite. In fact, he has threatened to kill the artisan who made it, whom we have imprisoned in the basement, if it does not become airborne. We understand that Mrs. Garcia has won many kite-flying tournaments and is an expert instructor."

He turned to Lucy. "Is this true?"

Before she could answer, Jose cut her off and bravely replied to the capo, "As my wife's agent, you must direct all your questions through me."

The capo fingered his Glock, nodded, and then asked, "Jose, can Lucy fly the Don's surly kite?"

 

[Argonaut]

I just made this one up.

The black limousine brought talent agent Jose Garcia and his wife and star client, Lucy, a prize-winning kite flyer, to the stately home of the elderly Luigi Salvatore, the patriarch of the notorious Salvatore crime family. A huge, grim-faced capo met them at the door and pushed the trembling couple through the spacious corridors of the mansion to the backyard, where Salvatore was being chased around the yard by a huge dragon-shaped kite that seemed bent on dive bombing the old mafioso every time he tried to get it airborne. Finally, the kite circled three times and crashed into the ground.

The capo grabbed the young couple firmly by the shoulders and said, "Mr. Salvatore is very disappointed in his purchase of this troublesome $1,000 kite. In fact, he has threatened to kill the artisan who made it, whom we have imprisoned in the basement, if it does not become airborne. We understand that Mrs. Garcia has won many kite-flying tournaments and is an expert instructor."

He turned to Lucy. "Is this true?"

Before she could answer, Jose cut her off and bravely replied to the capo, "As my wife's agent, you must direct all your questions through me."

The capo fingered his Glock, nodded, and then asked, "Jose, can Lucy fly the Don's surly kite?"

Groan!

 

[noahpictures]

Jay Leno called, he wants his jokes back!


I know, I know...GROAN.

 

[SuperJew]

Somewhere in a small town in middle America, a church and a synagogue (Jewish temple) share a parking lot. For years, the rabbi and the priest were close friends, often going golfing or fishing together. The communities of the two religious institutions were close as well, sometimes doing joint charity work, carnivals, and other events.

Neither the church nor the synagogue have their own van, for youth programs and the like, but neither has the funds available in their budget. After a long discussion, the rabbi and the priest decide to go halvsies on the van, painting the name of the church on one side, and the synagogue on the other. On the day the van is delivered, the rabbi looks out of his office window to the shared parking lot and sees the priest sprinkling water on the hood and tires of the car. Confused, the rabbi goes outside.

"Why are you washing the van, its brand new!" asked the Rabbi.
The priest replied, "I'm not washing it, I'm blessing it. This is holy water. This is how my people bless something new."
The rabbi said, "I think I understand the concept. We too have a similar tradition."

The rabbi heads back into the synagogue and comes back out with a hacksaw, and proceeds to cut an inch off of the tailpipe.

 

[Commander Quan]

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up by it's self?

A: It's two tired.



Q. What does one karate master say when he meets another karate master

A: "Hi-Yah"