Jokes that make you groan

[jackgoldman123]

God is creating the Earth while St. Peter watches.
St. Peter asks: "What are you making now? "
God says: "I'm creating a vast wilderness filled with streams, rivers, mountains, animals of many types, beautiful sky and fresh air."
St. Peter asks: "What are you naming it?"
God says: "Canada"
St. Peter says: "You'll spoil these Canadians."
God says: "Wait til you see who I give them as neighbors."

 

[Go West Young Man]

Best joke on Twitter this week is people mixing one shot of Moderna and one of Pfizer, and calling it an Arnold Pharma.

 

[emwolf]

Best joke on Twitter this week is people mixing one shot of Moderna and one of Pfizer, and calling it an Arnold Pharma.

or tell them you want the funky cold Moderna

 

[jackgoldman123]

During the great depression in the 1930's, a man sold shoelaces for ten cents at the steps of the stock exchange.
Every morning a man walked from his limo up the steps and dropped a dime into the box of the shoelace salesman but never took a shoelace.
This dime dropping combined with no shoelace taking continued thru the height of the depression for weeks, months, years.
One day the man dropped a dime into the shoelace box and was told the price of shoelaces was now 15 cents.

 

[TonyTheRazorMan]

Where was Moses when the lights went out?
In the dark.

What did Moses say on Mount Sinai?
“Wouldnt this be a great place to build a hospital?”

 

[jackgoldman123]

How many grandmothers to change a lightbulb?
Zero. I'll sit in the dark.

 

[jackgoldman123]

God asked Moses to come forth.
Moses came fifth and was disqualified.

 

[TonyTheRazorMan]

My wife wanted to look better, so she got a mud pack. She looked great for 2 days, then the mud fell off.

 

[TonyTheRazorMan]

Me:”Doc, it hurts when I go like that.”
Doc: “Don’t go like that.”

 

[TonyTheRazorMan]

The other day I met the Surgeon General. He offerred me a cigarette!

 

[2Vu5_T]

Caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.

 

[jackgoldman123]

A business man went to Tokyo for a negotiation which took all week.
When the meetings concluded he went back to his hotel and asked the concierge if there was an unusual entertainment he could see that evening.
The concierge put him in a taxi and told the taxi driver to take him to a special nightclub.
He goes into the club and says to himself, this looks like the usual club.
He is seated.
The lights dim and the curtain goes up.
On a small table are 3 walnuts.
A sumo wrestler arrives on stage and with his private part with 3 quick moves breaks all three walnuts.
The business man is amused.
When he gets back to the hotel he thanks the concierge.
Years pass.
The same business man re-visits Tokyo.
He wonders if the special nightclub still exists.
He goes to the address and sees the special nightclub!
He enters and is seated.
The lights dim.
The curtain opens.
A small table has 3 large watermelons.
A grey haired sumo wrestler arrives on stage and with 3 quick moves proceeds to break all 3 watermelons with his private part. They guy is amazed!
He goes backstage and says to the sumo wrestler, I was in Tokyo years ago and you broke walnuts. Why now watermelons?
Sumo wrestler says, "After so many years, eyesight not so good"

 

[Bosh Hog]

Let me start us out:

An insurance agent at the Garden of Eden takes one look at Adam and Eve and says, I can see that you are not covered."

Cheesy

 

[Mr. Bonney]

The Marines - when it positively, absolutely has to be destroyed overnight!

 

[jackgoldman123]

Rancher places an ad for a helper.
Helper arrives 7am at the ranch and is told the fence around the property needs mending.
Rancher says he'll return at 5pm to check the work.
at 5pm the fence is mended so the rancher asks the helper to return tomorrow.
7am next day rancher tells helper he needs firewood cut for winter.
Rancher shows the helper a roped off area in the forest and asks helper to cut down the trees and split the logs.
Rancher says he'll return at 5pm to check progress.
5pm rancher sees all trees cut and all logs split.
Rancher asks helper to return next day.
7am next day rancher brings helper to a barn and shows helper a huge pile of potatoes.
Rancher asks helper to make 2 piles - one of good potatoes, one of bad potatoes.
Rancher says he'll return at 5pm to see progress.
5pm rolls around and rancher returns to the barn but not one potato has moved.
Rancher asks helper: "How could this happen? You fixed the fence in 1 day, you cut the wood in 1 day."
Helper replies, "Too many decisions"

 

[2Vu5_T]

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student says G. The teacher asks - Why is that, Angus?

 

[jackgoldman123]

A man goes into a pet store and says to the owner I want an unusual pet, not the typical cat or dog or bird.
Pet store owner says I have the perfect pet - porpoises - and they will live forever under 1 condition - feed them daily with baby seagulls.
Porpoises are delivered to the guys house and he feeds them daily for 50 years.
One day the man get to his front door with the bag of baby seagulls and finds 2 lions asleep on the porch.
The man is terrified for 2 reasons.
One reason is he will be eaten by the lions if he tries to get into the house.
The 2nd reason is realizes the porpoises will die if not fed.
The 2nd reason overrules the first and he tiptoes into his house past the sleeping lions.
As he enters the house, he is arrested by the FBI.
The charges: crossing staid lions with young gulls for immortal porpoises.

 

[StuMcB]

I hear nostalgia is making a come back

 

[emwolf]

I hear nostalgia is making a come back

I WISH!

 

[VerbaVolant]