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Jokes that make you groan

That's one of my favorites, here's another:

Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
For those of you who, like me, had no idea what this joke meant, here's an explanation I found after short google search.

Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.The humor lies in the similarity of the abbreviation for October/Octal and December/Decimal, and the coincidence that the two representations equal the same amount (31 Octal is 3*8 + 1 = 25 Decimal).

I'm not groaning, but it does make my head hurt.
 
Four Rabbis were arguing over some obscure point of scripture. Three were in agreement, but one, Rabbi Epstein, stubbornly refused to go along with the others, and would not budge from his position. Finally, one of the three, Rabbi Freidman, suggests prayer, for wisdom enough for Rabbi Epstein to see the light, or at least a sign that the stubborn one might recognize as divine authority. They agree, and they pray. And pray, and pray, and PRAY. They are praying like crazy, pulling their hair, wailing, tearing their clothes, shedding tears of anguish, and generally causing a major uproar While Rabbi Epstein just stands there, arms folded across his chest, eyes rolling in exasperation, one foot tapping impatiently. Then, suddenly, a tremendously powerful voice booms down from the heavens, shaking the very earth beneath the feet of the three. "EPSTEIN IS RIGHT!" booms the voice, that can only have come from Almighty God. They all stand silently, in awe and shock, for a moment.

Then, just when Rabbi Epstein begins to smile in triumph, Rabbi Freidman hollers up at the sky, "Oh yeah? Well, it's still three against two!"
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

In the fourteenth century, a decree came down from the Vatican that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally this caused a huge uproar among the Jewish community, so much so that the Vatican almost reconsidered. After a few days mulling it over, the Vatican added a condition: if a member of the Jewish community could beat the Pope in a theological debate, then they could stay. But if they lost, they had to leave.

Realizing that they were in a bind, the Jewish community had no choice but to accept. The leaders of the community discussed it, and turned to the tailor in their community, an old man named Chaim. With a shrug and "As long as it doesn't get in the way of my work" he agreed to do it.

The day of the debate came. Both sides met in the center of the Jewish quarter, the Pope and his cardinals on one side of the table that had been set out, Chaim and the leaders of the community on the other side. Chaim added one condition to the debate: neither side could talk. With a nod the Pope accepted. Both sides sat down, and the debate began.

Both sides sat staring at each other for a long time before the Pope held up three fingers. Chaim held up one finger. The Pope circled his finger around his head, and Chaim pointed a finger right down at the table. The Pope took out a bottle of wine and a wager, and Chaim set an apple on the table. With an exasperated cry the Pope stood up, "The Jews can stay!" and storms back to the Vatican, his cardinals flying in his wake. Shrugging, Chaim goes back to his shop.

The cardinals, gobsmacked, beg the Pope to tell them how he lost. "That is the most learned, wise man I have ever met. I held up three fingers for the Holy Trinity, and he reminded me we had one god in common. I indicated that God was all around us, and he told me God was right here with us, too. I showed, with wine and wafer, and he produced an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! I couldn't win!"

Meanwhile, back in his shop, the ecstatic leaders of the Jewish community were asking Chaim how he had one. With a dismissive shrug he replied, "Well, he told me the Jews had three days to clear out of Rome, and I told him not one of us was leaving. He said the city would be cleared of Jews, and I told him we were staying right here." He shakes head as he starts to raise a cuff.

"And then?" the leaders prompt.

"I don't know," he says with a sigh. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
 
Q: Why are bikers obsessed with skulls?
A: They can't get them out of there heads.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,
and the police didn't have anything to go on.
 
So, the Buddha walks into his local pizza parlor and says, "Make me One with everything".

"My Dog has no nose"

"How does he smell?"

"Awful!"
 
it was 1934, the Great Depression was in full swing.

Two old friends meet on a street corner.
One is a successful executive,
his friend is poor and ragged and pushing a cart filled with apples.

The poor man asks his rich friend
"Help me out, huh? Buy an apple from me?"

The rich man asks
"How much are they?"

The poor man says
"One Million Dollars."

"One Million Dollars?
You'll never sell all these apples at that price!"

"Yeah, but I only gotta sell ONE, and then I'm set for life!"
 
Dear Abby:

I don't know what's wrong with my wife. She said she wants a divorce, and is calling our lawyer as I write this. She is totally psycho, and flys into a murderous rage at even very sensible, logical statements or observations. For instance, a few minutes ago, she whined about how her watch stopped, and needs to have it fixed, or get a new one. I quite naturally pointed out the totally sensible and obvious fact that there is a perfectly good clock on the stove, and she tried to gouge out my eyes with her fingernails. Then I asked if it was her period causing her fits of violence, and suggested midol and a tranquilizer, and she went bananas, with the veins bulging in her forehead, snarling and clawing. I look like I been sorting wildcats all afternoon, and I'm just responding calmly and logically to her. What do I do? I really like her cooking, but these insane rages of hers are hard to cope with. I try being sweet to her, like telling her she looks better than the new dancer they got down at the KittyKat Club, and she even takes the compliment the wrong way, and I don't even know a compliment COULD be taken the wrong way. What do I do?

signed
the psycho's husband
 

Kentos

Wiped out at 25
Moderator Emeritus
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

Wa-tah!!!


What is his favorite food?

Whop-pah!!!!!
 
"I don't know," he says with a sigh. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
This is my favorite joke of all time. I heard it years ago, and it still sticks with me. It's 100x better if the last line is done with a good NY Yiddush accent.

Also, great avatar.:a14:
 
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? Hey where's my tractor...


My favorite cartoon caption is:

Quick this man just swallowed his nose, don't worry I'm a sheet metal worker get me a bucket of water and a catchers mit
 
This is my favorite joke of all time. I heard it years ago, and it still sticks with me. It's 100x better if the last line is done with a good NY Yiddush accent.
Here's one of my favorite Jewish jokes ...

A man is walking down the street and he notices that his watch has stopped working. He sees a storefront with watches and clocks in the window, so he goes inside and asks the man behind the counter if he can fix his watch.

The man says "I don't know from fixing the vatches ... I'm a Mohel."

"You're a Mohel? So why do you display watches and clocks in your window?"

"Nuuuuu? So vat SHOULD I display in the window?"
 
One day, a pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants and sidles up to the bar.

The bartender is used to seeing strange things, but this one is new to him. He looks, looks at him in confusion, and says, "Hey, uh, buddy... Don't you know you've got a ship's wheel in your pants?"

The pirate says, "Yarrr, it's drrivin' me nuts."
 
One day, a pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants and sidles up to the bar.

The bartender is used to seeing strange things, but this one is new to him. He looks, looks at him in confusion, and says, "Hey, uh, buddy... Don't you know you've got a ship's wheel in your pants?"

The pirate says, "Yarrr, it's drrivin' me nuts."
Ok, that made me groan.:laugh:
 
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